Disclaimer: Kuroko no Basuke and Lord of the Rings are not mine.
Summary: Basically, Kuroko no Basuke as Lord of the Rings characters. Slight parody. Who thought it was a bright idea to assign these lunatics the task of saving Middle Earth again?
Warnings: Crack, parody, slight breaking of the fourth wall, anachronism screws, Tolkein is probably rolling in his grave by now.
Author's Note: For the sake of those who aren't as well-versed in LotR, I tried to keep things as English as possible. Also, this is not canon compliant to the events of LotR. (Duh.)
The Fellowship of the Ring
Kagami Taiga – Man of Gondor, Only Sane Man In the Group
Kuroko Tetsuya – Hobbit of the Shire, Ringbearer Who Doesn't Need the Ring to Turn Invisible
Kise Ryouta – Elf of Lothlórien, Token Airhead, Team Pet
Midorima Shintarou – Elf of Rivendell, Healer, Archer, Walking Anachronism Screw
Aomine Daiki – Ranger of the North, Chieftain, Future King of Gondor, Future Downfall of Gondor
Murasakibara Atsushi – Dwarf of the Lonely Mountain, Doesn't Look Like a Dwarf
Akashi Seijuurou – Elf of Mirkwood, Scariest Creature in Middle Earth
Haizaki Shougo – Hobbit of the Shire, Companion of the Ringbearer, MIA
Nijimura Shuuzou – Wizard, Looks Ten Times Younger Than Gandalf
Other
Shirogane Kouzou – Lord of Rivendell, What Was He Thinking?
Where is That Goddamn Ringbearer?
[ setting: the mines of moria ]
Kagami groaned, collapsing beside a dusty well in the old, worn down chamber. He took off his boots and mourned his blistered feet. Kise sat beside him and massaged his legs. "My legs are aching. Kurokocchi, how many days has it been since we left Rivendell?"
Kuroko, despite being the smallest, didn't look the slightest bit tired. Probably because he spent the last few hours being carried around by Aomine. Akashi had ordered everyone else to carry Kuroko when his short legs couldn't keep up with the group any longer… which was about eighty percent of the time. Who made Akashi the boss, you ask? Well, Kuroko was the Ringbearer, Midorima was the designated healer, Nijimura had his hands full with wizard business, Murasakibara had zero ambition, Kise was too annoying, Haizaki was MIA, Kagami was Bakagami, and no one in their right mind would want Aomine as their leader (poor, poor Gondor). Akashi, the sociopathic elf with a fixation on sharp objects, was, sadly, the best one for the job.
… Who thought it was a bright idea to assign these lunatics the task of saving Middle Earth again?
(Lord Shirogane, that's who.)
But let's get back to Moria.
"I don't know, Kise-kun," Kuroko said calmly, unconsciously patting the Ring hidden under his shirt. He swatted Kagami's concerned hands away. "It feels like it has only been a couple of hours at most, but logically it should've been at least a couple of weeks since then."
Kise groaned. "Two weeks and already we're one man down."
"Hobbit."
Kise pouted at him. "Hobbits are small and cute. Haizaki was not small and cute."
"Rest in peace, Haizaki," Aomine said off-handedly. A while back, Kuroko's Hobbit companion Haizaki Shougo had been dragged into the depths of the lake outside the Mines of Moria by the Watcher. None of them particularly liked him enough to care (except for Nijimura—he tried, he really did, but not even he was willing to dive into a lake that was home to a giant tentacle monster to save Haizaki Shougo).
(Not to mention it was Akashi who orchestrated the entire incident. Murasakibara, the purple-haired dwarf who, for some reason, had no beard and was taller than everyone else, was the only one who saw the elf push Haizaki straight into the Watcher's grasp.)
(Of course, he didn't say anything about it. Sacrifices were necessary, after all.)
(He also valued his life very much. So much snacks, so little time.)
"I'm hungry," said Murasakibara randomly, his thoughts drifting from Haizaki to his favourite topic of all time: food. He ate more food than the stereotypical Hobbit. Notice that we didn't compare him to Kuroko, as the blue-haired Ringbearer ate practically nothing compared to your typical Hobbit's six meals a day.
"We should take a break here," Midorima suggested, frowning at the painful-looking blisters on Kagami's feet. "It seems safe enough."
"We're in the Mines of Moria," Nijimura said flatly. Midorima shrugged.
Akashi set down his pack, signaling that they were indeed taking a break.
Kise clung to Kuroko while Kagami and Aomine tried to pry the blond elf off the much smaller Hobbit.
"Oi, get off of Tetsu!"
"But he's warm!"
"He's not your personal heater, Kise!"
"Yes he is—ahh! I lost him!"
"What! Tetsu!"
"Kuroko! You better not be pulling your disappearing act again! Kuroko! Shit, where is that goddamn Ringbearer?"
"You're sitting on me, Kagami-kun."
Midorima, ignoring the ruckus, fixed his glasses and rifled through his hammerspace, cataloguing his inventory of medical supplies. "Herbs, bandages, clean towels, splints, gloves, disinfectant, scalpel, scissors, flashlight, thermometer, Advil, defibrillator… Where is my lucky item…? Ah, there it is…" His lucky item of the day was a frog statuette, by the way.
Murasakibara sat down beside Akashi and started munching on a piece of lembas.
Nijimura sat down on a stray piece of rock and picked up a random book lying around. He leafed through it, carefully reading the last few passages before snorting and throwing it away. "Idiot dwarves. By the way, a bunch of your relatives are dead, Murasakibara."
"Okay." The dwarf continued to eat.
"Eww there's a skeleton in here!" Shrrk… klink klink klink… crash!
Everyone was silent for a moment. None of them dared look up in fear of the aftermath of Kise's idiocy.
Finally, Akashi, still not looking up, asked quietly, "Ryouta, what did you do?"
"Oh, I just noticed there was this icky-looking skeleton on the well and I kind of panicked and pushed it over… Oh, and it might have been one of Murasakibaracchi's relatives..."
Thump… thump… thump…
"Kise, you fucking idiot," Aomine breathed.
Nijimura stood up and readied his staff. "Orcs! Prepare yourselves!"
"I will punish you later, Ryouta," Akashi hissed, drawing his sword. "Tetsuya, get behind me. The rest of you, barricade the door. We will defeat every single one of them." Everyone scrambled to push heavy things in front of the door. Kise and Midorima had just delicately placed a small pebble on top of the barricade-of-heavy-stuff when the orcs arrived outside the door.
Bang! Bang!
They tensed.
Bang! Bang! Crash!
The orcs burst through the doors.
The Fellowship brandished their weapons and charged at the orcs.
The Fellowship ran away from the orcs.
"We didn't defeat every single one of them," Kagami said calmly.
"I've been meaning to see just how many times I can stab a dagger into a person's body before it dulls," Akashi replied calmly.
Kagami paled and dropped back to run beside Midorima, who snorted at his idiocy before shooting at an orc a distance away. It hit, of course. (Elf proposes, Eru disposes.)
After many trials and tribulations they came upon a wide chasm, the only thing connecting the two sides being a stone bridge—with no handrails. Everyone glared at it incredulously. Who built a bridge with no handrails? Weren't dwarves supposed to be masters of engineering? Were they suicidal too? (Well, they did try to colonize Moria…)
"Murasakibara," Akashi ordered.
"Yes, Aka-chin." Murasakibara lifted Kuroko from Aomine's arms, ignoring the tanned man's protests, and began to cross the bridge. The rest of the Fellowship followed his lead—Aomine, Midorima, Kise, Kagami, Nijimura, and lastly Akashi. Halfway across, the bridge began to shake.
Everyone froze.
Small pieces of stone broke away from the precarious passage.
Then—
"Run!" Aomine shouted.
"You dare order me around, Daiki?"
"N—No, but seriously we gotta run!"
"Your tor—punishment will come later, Daiki."
"You were gonna say 'torture!'" Aomine accused.
"I have a new interrogation method for orcs that I've been meaning to test."
Aomine wisely shut up. It was probably the smartest thing he'd done since saving Kuroko from the Ringwraiths.
Akashi had just crossed to the other side when a huge demon of fire and wings and destruction burst from the abyss, destroying the bridge in the process. The orcs that were chasing them promptly turned tail and ran.
"They've got the right idea," Kagami mumbled. Then, in a more panicked voice, "G—Guys, we should run too."
Everyone ignored him in favour of staring at the humongous figure of death and doom.
"Guys! We should go!" Kagami took Kuroko's hand and tried to drag him away.
"Calm down, Kagami-kun," Kuroko said far too calmly for the situation they were in, tugging his hand free. Kise nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, Akashicchi has this."
Nijimura nodded as well. "Just enjoy the view, Kagami. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience."
"THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE SIGHTSEEING!" Kagami screamed.
Midorima rolled his eyes and sent the man a dirty look. "Keep it down, you're aggravating the Balrog."
"You truly are a Bakagami," Aomine added.
"Who're you calling a Bakagami, Ahomine!"
"You, obviously. What a Bakagami."
"Is Bakagami a noun now?" Kise wondered.
Kagami was on the brink of a mental breakdown when the Balrog cut through their conversation with a roar and a snap of its fire whip. Everyone jumped back—everyone, that is, except Akashi. The tip of the whip missed his head by inches.
Akashi narrowed his heterochromatic eyes at the Balrog. "Did you just snap your whip at me?"
The fearsome Balrog stared down at Akashi… and stared… and stared…
… and whimpered.
Kagami's jaw dropped.
"That's what I thought," Akashi said indifferently. "You shall not pass. Now go back to where you came from."
Shaking like the devil himself was chasing after it, the Balrog turned around and vanished in an explosion of flames.
Akashi – 1, Balrog – 0.
Kagami was still gaping at Akashi. "That… That's not normal."
"It's Akashi-kun," Kuroko said matter-of-factly, as if that was a perfectly reasonable explanation for how a relatively small elf managed to stare down one of the most fearsome creatures on Middle Earth.
"Enough dawdling," Akashi snapped. "Let's get out of here."
Lembas – elvish waybread
Eru - Middle Earth equivalent of God, I guess
Balrog - big fiery demon monster thing, the one that Gandalf went all "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" to.
Author's Note: Yes, the number of hobbits, men, elves, dwarves and wizards don't correspond to canon. Deal with it. Yes, I made Murasakibara a dwarf. I needed a dwarf and I felt like he fits the role the best out of everyone, even though he might've been better off as a hobbit.
Also, I'm sorry I was too mean to Haizaki. I don't actually dislike him, I feel really guilty now, turning him to Watcher-food TT_TT
It's been years since I've watched/read LotR. I couldn't remember if they were being chased by orcs or goblins… or both… and a whole bunch of other stuff... Oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
... I don't really know where this came from... I just had this picture of Akashi facing down the Balrog and I was like, "I NEED TO WRITE THIS RIGHT NOW."