The Mask!

I see the dead look in her eyes everyday, sadness and pain, no happiness and no love; is what I see now. I know she's hurt and for the first time I see her emotions, the ones that she can't control, and even though its sadness and pain, I'm happy to see her emotions.

She's always got the mask on her face. I never know what she's feeling. I guess she's a lot like me, I don't show emotions either, so I can't judge or blame her.

I sit there watching her, stare at her paperwork, trying to act like she's okay. I sigh and finally gather the courage to talk to her. I tell her to come home with me; she hesitates at first but finally agrees.

We leave together and she drives to my apartment, where I'm waiting for her, no emotion on my face.

She's quiet and nervous at first even though she tries to hide it. I offer her a drink but she declines politely.

I get her to sit down next to me and she does but puts some distance between us.

I clear my throat and she looks at me, her face once again unreadable. 'Hey, talk to me' I demand softly and she's surprised at my soft tone.

'Talk about what?' She asks.

'What your feeling' I clarify.

She looks down, as if closing in on herself, feeling ashamed 'I can't' are the only words that come out of her mouth.

'Why can't you?' I ask. 'Is it the case?'

I hear her sigh 'no its not' she looks at me 'what do you want me to say? I'm okay' she says in a whisper, looking down again.

I sit there silently, trying to figure out a way to get her to let me in. 'Look at me' I say as I put my hand on her leg softly and she does, her face still unreadable, mine for the first time, showing emotion. 'I know you're not okay and it is okay not to be…' I said to her softly. 'What is it?'

'No it's not, I'm not supposed to show emotion, plus it seems to make other peoples lives easier, I don't want to bother anyone' she said slowly, getting tears in her eyes, her voice starting to waver.

'Of course you are, you're not bothering anyone and it only makes me worries about you when you don't' I explained to her, trying to make her feel better.

'You don't show your emotions, so what's different with me? Why do I have to?' she answered back.

She had a very good point, I don't show emotions. 'Your right, I don't show emotions, especially not on the job and you have to because I've learnt that it's not good to keep everything in' I told her and then took a deep breath. 'And you're the only one I've shown my emotions to, because I feel safe enough to show them' I added quietly.

She looked up at me quietly, a tear slowly making its way down her face, then a few more; I wiped the tears of her face, then moved closer to her. 'I just want you to feel safe enough to show your emotions and talk with me too'

Emily looked up at me, seeing the truth and care in my eyes. She looked down again, feeling ashamed, then looked up and said quietly 'I just don't know how, I do feel safe enough to show my emotions but to talk about my feelings? I don't know how to do that'

I stayed silent and then said 'you're not alone… I don't know how to do that either… maybe we can learn together' I suggested.

Emily put her head down again; I hate to see her like this. I carefully move closer to her and put my arm around her, bringing her closer to me.

She was quiet but her body was shaking and I knew she was slowly breaking down. 'I'm sorry' she whispered putting her arms around me.

'It's okay, you have nothing to be sorry for' I said to her. I wanted to comfort her but I didn't know how.

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry' she kept whispering into my chest.

'What are you sorry for?' I asked, getting more worried.

'I shouldn't… I shouldn't be… crying…' she cried. 'I should've been… able to save her… I…' I heard her say.

'Hey, its okay, shhh… I've got you' I whispered, tightening my arms around her. 'It's not your fault Emily' I told her, wanting to make sure she knew that. 'Save who?'

She started shaking her head, crying even more. 'It is… I promised her, I would save her and she promised me she'd stop… and I was too late' she said taking a deep breath.

'Hey, no it's not your fault okay, I don't know what she promised you but it's not your fault… you promised who?' I asked.

Still shaking and breathing hard she managed to say 'I should've stayed with her… I promised her I'd be there for her…'

'Okay, Emily what happened?' I asked, she shook her head 'Em, please tell me, I can't help you if you don't' I said, wanting to know. 'Hey calm down… take a deep breath' she finally managed to take a deep breath but her body hadn't stopped shaking.

Emily looked up at me, her eyes filled with pain. 'She didn't have anyone and the only one she did have died…' she started and took another deep breath. 'When I went to Michaela's house to see her the first time… I found her in her room… she was hurting herself and I couldn't do anything… I feel so… so bad… she told me, that she would stop. I've known her since she was little, I knew her parents and they were amazing, so loving… she told me she would get help and that she would talk to someone. She texted me everyday, apart from…' Emily stopped, not being able to say it. I understood and nodded, rubbing her arm, trying to comfort her and get her to carry on.

'That day and I got worried so I went and… oh my god… the way I found her…' Emily said quietly, her body starting to shake again. 'I thought that I could help her you know, but it's too late…' Emily finished.

'Emily, I'm so sorry… don't blame yourself okay because it's not yours or anyone else's fault…' I said, not knowing what else to say.

'I want to believe you, I really do, but I cant, I should've done something straight away' Emily said shaking her head.

'You couldn't have known' I told her.

Emily stayed silent for a few moments and then said 'you know, she texted me the day before and it said "thank you for being there for me Emily, it means the world to me" I didn't know… now I have a picture of us next to my bed to remind me of her, not that I could ever forget… she was making a silly face… she was fun like that, she had a good sense of humor… beautiful smile and deep brown eyes, she was so pretty…' Emily finished with a smile.

I smiled back and then asked 'can I see a picture of her?'

Emily looked at me and nodded her head. 'Yeah I have a picture on my phone' she said, unwrapping her arms around me to get her phone.

She got the picture up and showed me 'she's beautiful… she looks a bit like you' I said looking at the picture.

Emily nodded her head 'yeah, she was, she liked to wear a lot of black… you really think she looks like me?' she asked, a slight smile.

I smiled, nodding my head.

She closed her eyes and sighed, getting tears again. I put my arm around her again and gave her, her phone back. She took it silently and rested her head on my shoulder, feeling tired.

I stayed with her like that, in silence, just holding her precious body in my arms until we both fell asleep.