Warnings- shounen ai/yaoi bits
Disclaimer- Minekura Kazuya owns all that is Wild Adapter
Notes- Just a one-shot. Feedback is always appreciated and thank you. ^_^
In Warm Refuge
He didn't need to know what woke him up. It was obvious to him, even if it wasn't to the person next to him who, from the sound of his easy breathing, still slept.
Tokitoh gritted his teeth and reached down with his left hand to slowly massage his right. He rubbed it silently, pressing in hard over his knuckles where the pain seemed to be emanating from, or that's were it was this time at least. Other times it was his palm, or right above his wrist, or in the tips of his fingers. He didn't understand what was going on underneath his skin. All he knew was that sometimes, it hurt so much he couldn't think straight. Or in this case, he couldn't sleep.
He swallowed and kept rubbing, but it just seemed to push the pain more. He had woken up to a steady throbbing, but now it was almost piercing. He sucked in his breath and curled up into himself. A hissing noise escaped from his lips, and he took his hand from the other and covered his mouth. Damn it. Don't do this. Keep it together. Don't wake him up. He won't be able to do anything, and you won't tell him anyway. And then you'll just sit there and look stupid, and hiding your hand so he doesn't see it shake.
Damn it. He squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted to bite his hand, his good one. Make it more painful than the other, make him think about that instead. At least he would know what was causing that pain, at least he would know how to stop it. He squinted in the dark, and with his glove off, he could make out his claws in the low light from the window. With every muscle aching within, he slowly opened his hand and rested it on the bed, but the claws had barely made an indent into the sheets when he shot it up again. Just touching the bed had brought another wave of pain, like needles in his skin. For a second, he held his breath to see if his movement woke Kubota, but there was no sign of him stirring.
He muffled his breathing with one hand, and he looked at the other hanging motionless in the air above the sheets. He couldn't stay like this all night. He'd either have to put it down and bear it, or…
In the end, the only way he knew how to get out of bed the fastest was to just sit up and slide off the end. Kubota was on his side, blocking him in towards the wall and the window so he couldn't get out that way without climbing over him. While not looking at the other boy, he pushed the sheet off and slipped away as best he could without his right hand touching anything. There was a creaking sound when his feet hit the floor and another as he made his way out of the bedroom. Another creak and he said fuck it. He grabbed for the door and realized too late that he'd used the wrong hand.
He brought his head against the wood, but then his cry out was only echoed by the sound his forehead made when it hit the door. His eyes shot open when he heard the bed squeak behind him. Without looking back, he grabbed the knob again, this time with his left, yanked it open and ran out. Seconds later, he had shut himself into the bath, fully clothed.
It was the first place he thought to go, since the shower turned out to be the best refuge when his hand made everything else shut down. The hot water on his skin and the steam in the air made the throb almost bearable. But this time he didn't turn the water on. Still afraid of waking Kubota up, he just sat there on the tiles and rested his head against the wall. He hadn't even turned on the lights, so the room was lit by only the night glow that came through the small window above the bath.
He felt stupid to be just sitting there, but going back to bed seemed useless. He could go into the living room, maybe watch some TV, but then Kubota would get up, and wonder what was wrong, and he wouldn't know what to say. And those silences that followed were almost less bearable then the pain that made them.
He shivered and hugged one arm around himself. The other he just laid gently on his lap. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine something else than the reality at the moment. He was sitting outside. The sun was out, and he was eating ice cream. He licked his lips as he changed flavors in his mind until he found one he wanted the most. As he deepened his dream, he imagined Kubota next to him, bending down to take a bite from his cone. He was halfway though playing out the argument that followed when he lay down on the tiles, hugging his hand to his chest. He breathed in, slow and steady, and pictured the sun on his back, and Kubota's hand on his, relieving all the pressure that built up inside it.
He didn't need to know what woke him. The click of the door opening filtered into his dream, and he jerked awake as he heard a soft footfall on the tiles. Looking up, he saw a tall shadow standing over him, and he backed quickly away to the wall. A second later and his hand went to his eyes, blocking out the light that Kubota just flicked on.
He squinted up through his fingers to see Kubota looking down at him, his head cocked to the side. His glasses were still off from when he'd gone to bed, and his gaze fell on him, soft and sleepy.
The silence that followed was far heavier than the steady pain that still throbbed in his hand. He looked away and down at the floor. What was he supposed to say now? What could he say? It couldn't be the truth. He couldn't tell that to him. Kubota already had taken care of him so much. This was his fight. He had to carry this for himself, even if he had to carry it in silence. He bit his lip and looked back up, and his eyes widened as he watched Kubota strip out of his clothes.
Wordless and naked, he walked over to the shower head and turned it on. Rolling the knobs back and forth, he reached a temperature he liked, and he sat down on the small bucket they kept. With his back to Tokitoh, he began to wet his hair.
Tokitoh just watched as Kubota slowly took a sponge and began to clean his body. First he soaped up his arms and then dragged the sponge across, wiping them clean. Tokitoh swallowed and looked away. He could feel the heat that had started in his face move across his whole body. He listened to the water hit the floor and to the splashes as Kubota squeezed the sponge over himself. Minutes passed, and the water on the floor reached his feet, even though Kubota had directed the spray away from him. He looked down and watched as the bottom of his pants grew more and more wet.
Finally, he turned around and with his back to Kubota and to the shower, he pulled off his shirt, followed by his pants and underwear. He opened the door to the washroom and threw them on the floor. Closing it, he waited a moment and then turned around. Kubota still was facing away from him. He walked over and kneeled next to him so he too felt the water on his face. He bent his head forward and let it slide through his hair and down his skin. He dropped his hands to his knees and let the warmth flow down onto them. He closed his eyes to the water and to the pain and just listened to the shower run. He felt something warm on his back, and he looked up to see Kubota reaching over. He gently rubbed his shoulders with the sponge and when Tokitoh didn't move away, he moved closer and dropped it further down to his back, and then his arms, and then his chest. Neither said anything. They just sat there and let the shower drown out their breathing. But when Kubota's sponge fell on his hand, he pulled back instantly.
Kubota stopped and their eyes met, and Tokitoh knew that everything he didn't want to say was just said in that movement. He turned away and started to get up. He couldn't hold this in anymore, and if he was going to make noise and cry and let the pain take over, he was going to do it where Kubota couldn't look at him like the way he was looking right now.
But he didn't make it to standing. One of Kubota's hands held him down. He started to fight, to move away, but Kubota's grip just tightened on his side. He then dropped the sponge and reached for something else.
Tokitoh almost fell over right then. Clenching his teeth, he stifled the cry that came out the moment Kubota's hand took his. Through bleary eyes, he looked down to the other's fingers that laced between his.
"Kubo-cha…" He gasped out and felt his knees shake as Kubota's grip hardened.
"…Does that hurt?" he asked.
Tokitoh didn't respond. He simply fell down to his knees and bent away from Kubota. The pain screamed through his body, but he only bit down on his lip, keeping it in.
"It looks like it hurts. Does it?" He heard next to him. He managed to just shake his head slowly. Everything felt hot all over, the water that still fell on his back, his hand that Kubota tightly gripped, his eyes which had started to burn but he couldn't wipe them since he needed to use his other hand to hold him up off the floor.
He felt something on his face, and too late, he realized it was being turned. Through his burning eyes, he saw Kubota looking at him. His earlier soft, sleepy expression had changed. His eyes were more narrowed, and Tokitoh wanted to duck away as they seemed to look right through him, but he couldn't because Kubota's other hand was holding his chin.
"You're bleeding," he said softly, and Tokitoh felt a finger glide across his lower lip. He stuck his tongue out and tasted blood. He had bitten his lip right through the skin. The fingers moved from his mouth to his eyes, and they gently rubbed beneath each, smoothing the wetness across his cheeks. Finally, the hand moved to the back of his head, pulling it forward so he was made to rest it against Kubota's.
"Is it that hard to say?" It was said in a whisper, but in the bath, it seemed to echo across the walls.
Tokitoh swallowed. He was already naked, but attempting to talk about something he worked so hard to keep in seemed like he showing another skin, a layer he had never let anyone see. He closed his eyes to Kubota and to his nakedness, but still he tasted blood on his lips, and still he felt the hand gripping his. It was so hard that it seemed to overpower the pain beating from within. It was sweeping over him, the pain that was hitting him from the outside. It felt like it was crushing him, but when he opened his eyes, he saw Kubota squinting back at him, and when he looked down, he saw how very naked the other boy was.
"I won't let go until you tell me." Still looking at him, Kubota raised Tokitoh's hand to his chest and rested it there, covering it with his own.
It hurt, his hand, and that look. Tokitoh swallowed the blood in his mouth. Beneath the fur and claws on his hand, he could feel Kubota's skin, and very lightly, his heart beneath it. Or was it the pulse through his fingers? He couldn't tell anymore. Everything seemed to be so mixed in the water that sprayed down on them, and in the pain that he no longer knew the origin of. Finally, he put his head to Kubota's shoulder and rested it there. He dropped his lips onto his skin, and spoke.
"I just- can't- just can't-" He started slowly, but once he started, he found the silence slip out and away from him like the water from the nozzle that hung right above. "Nothing I can do. It's just there, always there. It doesn't stop. I can't make it stop." He raised his head and met Kubota's eyes. "And you can't make it stop. It's just always there. I'm sorr-"
He couldn't get the last word out because Kubota's lips took his, stopping them. The next second found his back on the tiles, and he felt the warm water beneath him, and the weight on top.
Kubota pulled back from the kiss and looked down at him and all Tokitoh could do was look back up, his mouth still open. "…Kubo-chan?"
"You're right. I can't stop it for you." Kubota's gaze moved from his face to his body, and he dropped his head so his mouth fell to just below Tokitoh's neck. In between the brief touches of lips on skin, he spoke. "But I can….make you…forget about it…"
"Ah-" Tokitoh gasped out as the outside pressure on his hand increased, and Kubota took that moment to kiss him again. He felt his body slide back against the wet floor, and he grabbed with his free hand for any surface to balance himself against. But he found nothing in reach but the slick tile beneath his fingers. As he felt Kubota's hand move down from his shoulder to his waist, he turned away and looked at the other hand that still grasped his. "…I told you, so leggo, okay?"
Kubota looked down at their hands and then at him and slowly began to shake his head. "No. Sorry."
"…What?"
"Sorry." Kubota repeated, and he brought his head down so his mouth rested right by Tokitoh's ear. "I lied," So close, his voice seemed everywhere, echoing in him like the sound of the water off the floor. "I won't let go."
Tokitoh turned to him, eyes wide, and Kubota looked back, calm and cool, a small smile on his lips. "Even if it never ends, even if there's nothing we can do-" And again, he squeezed his hand. "I'll never let go."
He reached out again, but there was nothing to balance against that, nothing but Kubota. So Tokitoh rose up, grabbed on to him, and kissed him.
It all swept over him, the heat in the room, and the heat that was slowly building inside. It seemed to fog everything, but no matter how thick the air was, he could still feel the pain in his hand and the pressure on top of it that he knew would always be there, never letting go, no matter what happened. There's nothing I can do about it, he thought. And you know...that's okay…
And before he knew it, he was smiling while he was kissing. It made his mouth open wider, and he felt Kubota tongue move inside.
"I guess," He broke away, tugging Kubota's lower lip a little with his teeth as he pulled back. He looked up at him, and his smile broadened. "I'll just have to put up with it." And gritting his teeth, he pushed past the pain and squeezed Kubota's hand back, as hard as he could.
"Ouch." Kubota replied, but he was smiling, his hand massaging his lip. He turned halfway around and reached for the side of the bath. His hand fell upon the dial that turned on the gas to heat the tub.
"Wait, what are you doing?"
"I thought we could get in."
"But," Tokitoh looked up at him, confused. "That's gonna take a while to heat back up."
Kubota winked back at him. "I know." And with that said, he lowered himself to the floor, pulling Tokitoh close to him. "But that's fine. It gives us plenty of time-" He brought Tokitoh's clawed hand up to his mouth and kissed it. "To forget."
----
It surrounded him, the warmth of the bath and Kubota's embrace. He leaned against Kubota's chest, laid his head down, and closed his eyes. The heat of the water was helping to sooth the muscles that had gotten sore from all their forgetting. He was so tired, he could barely feel the arms around him. The pain in his hand was almost a memory, dulled by the warmth and the water.
"Still?" He heard Kubota whisper into his ear. Still what, he wondered, his mind slowed by the steam and the sleep taking over. Still here? Yeah. Still awake? Sorta… Still hurts?
"Mmm." He mumbled, and he turned his face and pressed it into Kubota's neck, feeling the wetness of his skin on his cheeks. He knew he was slipping off, right there in the water, right there between his arms, but before it all fell away, he found his answer. "…s'okay though…This is stronger…"
"Mm." The embrace tightened around him in response, and he relaxed within it.
He didn't remember being taken out of the bath, or being toweled dry, or being pulled back into the bed. All he knew was when he woke, he was curled up in the sheets. The only reminders of the evening were the smell of soap on his skin and the arms still wound around him. He looked down, but his hand was out of sight, buried beneath them and the blankets. It still throbbed, but just a little, reminding him that just because he couldn't see it, it was still there.
"S'okay though," he whispered and put his head back down. He smiled into his pillow, letting the warmth of the bed and everything in it overtake him again.
Because…there was something there…something stronger, something that'll never let go.
And he slept easier, knowing that Kubota was the same.
^^