As the Nose On Your Face

THE KUNO SIBLINGS

Ranma and Akane stood before Tatewaki and Kodachi, in a mockery of the classic showdown scene. The grass rippled in a strong breeze; the sky, lint-grey, briefly flashed with lightning. The flashes of light glinted off the many kettles placed on the ground around the young man.

"Saotome, what foolishness is this?" Tatewaki demanded, pointing his bokken at his oldest foe. "If you've come to water the garden, we do employ the more capable hands of our good Sasuke to tend to such trivial matters."

"Stand down, brother dear," Kodachi warned. "Perhaps darling Ranma has come prepared to cook a most glorious feast for me! Oh, my sweet," she cooed, blushing and clapping a hand to her cheek, "so thoughtful. But it is the bride who should tend to such culinary undertakings for her husband..."

Her eyes lit up, as though comprehension had suddenly dawned on her. "Aha! You've come to mock Akane Tendo, then, is it? To show her what she lacks, what she may never have, why she will never be a true and proper woman?" Her shrieking cackle pierced the heavens, and Akane had to keep herself from tossing the madwoman into her own alligator pond by her damn ponytail.

"Actually, I've come to get the two of you off my ass!" Ranma spat, gesturing to the many kettles before him. The Kuno siblings looked down, and saw that each kettle was labelled - some bore the inscription "Hot", while others read "Cold".

"Saotome, tell me, how do you intend for mere water to put a cessation to our rivalry, when you have not yet relinquished the hand of the fair Akane Tendo, or my pulchritudinous pigtailed girl?" Tatewaki asked, scratching his chin. "Though your crude words do bear a heavy determination, I fail to see how such measures will - as you have so gracelessly put it - 'get us off your ass'."

"Ha! Do you see now, Tendo?" Kodachi laughed. "He has come to pair you with my brother, and claim me as his own! Oh! Tonight, I become a woman!" She blushed again, and pressed a hand to her forehead. "Oh, you naughty boy, we mustn't yet!"

"God, shut up already!" Ranma snapped. He looked to Akane, and she nodded.

"Kuno, Kodachi, pay close attention," she ordered.

Tatewaki complied immediately, while Kodachi sniffed indignantly.

"To take such demands from a filthy wretch like you? I think not!"

"Listen to her, Kodachi!" Ranma growled.

"Whatever you desire, my love!"

Ranma rolled his eyes, but picked up one of the kettles marked "Cold".

"Now, watch, you two, and listen to me. Listen. You got that?"

The siblings nodded.

"When I pour this water onto myself, I will actually transform into a different person entirely. Do you follow me?"

"Ah, so water will change your form?" Tatewaki deduced, taking a defensive stance. Ranma sighed, but a small seed of hope began to sprout in his chest. Maybe they might get it this time...

"Yeah. Pouring cold water on myself will turn me from the boy I am into a girl I don't want to be."

"As though you're... cursed, perhaps?" Kodachi added, cottoning on.

"Exactly! Now watch this!"

Ranma took a deep breath, then poured the water over his body. Shivering, she felt her body shrink, and breasts fill out her now-oversized red shirt. "What'd you do that for?" she shouted at the kettle.

Tatewaki's eyes widened, while Kodachi's narrowed.

"Ah! My sweet Pigtailed Girl!" Tatewaki cried, latching onto her in a flash and nuzzling his face between a horrified Ranma's breasts.

"Relinquish my brother at once, foul whore, and return my darling Ranma to me!" Kodachi bellowed, whipping her deadly gymnastics ribbon from its storage space in her ass, and striking at her red-haired rival.

"I am Ranma!" Ranma protested, darting away and tossing Tatewaki in the ribbon's path. It whirled around him, before Kodachi jerked her wrist back, sending him flying away into a tree.

He was back on his feet in mere seconds.

"Though I know you be cursed to share your name with the vile Saotome, you mustn't go as far as to sully yourself by identifying with him, my love," he soothed, clasping Ranma's hands.

"Kuno, just... just shut up," Akane sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"If you'll let go of me, I'll be able to explain things better," Ranma added, crushing Tatewaki's fingers in her own. He screamed, but then complied, shaking his hands gingerly as Ranma made to pick up another kettle - this time, marked "Hot".

"Now, if you'll just watch, the Ranma Saotome you despise - and that you love," Akane added, nodding to Kodachi, "is going to come back when she pours the water on herself. She's going to turn into Ranma, do you understand?"

"Ah, so water will change your form?" Kodachi asked, snapping her fingers.

"Yes!" Ranma sighed. "This girl's body that you see right now is the body I take when I'm splashed with cold water. When I get splashed with hot water, I'll change back into a guy, body and all. That guy is Ranma. I am Ranma. Ranma changes into this girl's body, and then I change back into Ranma's body. We are the same person."

"As though you're... cursed, perhaps?" Tatewaki asked, tilting his head.

"YES." Ranma ground her teeth, then poured the hot water on herself.

"Darling! You've escaped from that wench's claws!" Kodachi cried, her eyes sparkling with tears of relief.

"To what dark corner of your twisted universe have you confined my pigtailed girl?" Tatewaki roared, leaping at Ranma - only to be stopped with a casual foot to the face.

"You guys aren't following any of this, are you," he stated flatly.

The Kuno siblings looked at each other, then at Ranma, confused. "Following what?"

Ranma slumped to the ground, feeling all the life drain from his body. "Akane. Cold."

Akane didn't see the use, but shrugged and doused Ranma again.

"My love!"

"Unhand Ranma at once, you reprehensible slattern!"

"Akane. Hot."

"Ranma, let's just go home."

"HOT."

Akane rolled her eyes and scowled. "Fine." She doused Ranma again.

"Saotome! I shall cast your foul soul into Hell itself!"

"Not a finger upon my darling! Not a finger, I tell you!"

"Just... just... fuck this." Ranma stood up unsteadily, approached the two quarreling siblings, and kicked them both into the alligator pond. As Akane gaped in shock and horror - at his rage, and at the fact that he'd actually willingly hit a girl - Ranma turned around and headed for the gate to the Kuno estate. "Fuck this up the ass sideways. C'mon, Akane."

"Shouldn't we make sure Mr. Green Turtle doesn't hurt them?" she asked uncertainly.

A crunch and an anguished scream from the pond answered her question. Kodachi's arm shot up into the air, followed by a spray of bloody water, before being dragged back down beneath the surface.

"Oh. Wow. Umm, hey, Ranma! Wait up!" she called, running after her fiancé.

Author's Notes: I'm planning this to be a two-shot. Next up, Akane vs. P-chan! And I don't hate the Kuno siblings or anything - in fact, Tatewaki is hilarious and Kodachi has a FUCKING ALLIGATOR as a PET - but, hey, I think this would solve some of Ranma and Akane's problems short of pairing the siblings up with other people. Plus, let's face it - they really are that stupid. Akane, I can just excuse with willful denial.

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