Disclaimer –
Characters owned by JK Rowling and I thank her for letting me borrow them for now.
Songs – Nat King Cole "Nature Boy", Paula Abdul "Opposites Attract", Abba, "When All is Said and Done", Aaliyah "I Miss You", Michael Peterson "From Here to Eternity".
The Greatest Thing
The greatest thing you'll ever learn...Is just to love, and be loved in return
Four very different women are in four very different situations after the final battle ends…
Don't think we'll ever get our differences patched
Don't really matter, cause we're perfectly matched
"It's over". That's the only thought going through my head right now, although I realise I should be thinking of so much more. There are funerals to consider, before we can fully get on with our lives, injured to care for, families, friendships and fixtures to rebuild in equal measures. Yet I can't think of those right now. I can think of him though. I never thought the first time we kissed would be in the shadow of death and destruction. In fact I reckon Harry had it spot on as he yelled at us. "There's a war going on here!" However, in that instant, I forgot. The second he mentioned the house elves – he's always been so vehemently opposed to SPEW and anything relating to my campaign – I just couldn't help myself, and put years of wondering and analysing aside, finally just giving into my feelings. I'm usually a thinker you see, I never act solely on impulse. Until tonight.
Kissing is the last thing I should be thinking of and I am, somewhere deep down, aware of this fact. Yet even now as we walk back through the long corridors from Dumbledore's office, I feel his fingers tight against mine, so reluctant to let go. I know I should make him, but part of me wants others to witness our union, perhaps even see us as a ray of hope, a glimmer on the horizon. I want others to share in my relief, and the knowledge that a good thing can come from a terrible time.
I've always relied on my intellect, and tonight I have abandoned it completely. I know that we still have a great deal to discuss, for we are so different and so often in conflict that we will have to learn to be open and honest with each other, rather than throwing childish tantrums. If we're going to do this, it is high time we grew up. If we're really going to stop dancing around each other and make a go of an adult relationship, then there is much to be raked over and sorted out before we can start again with a clean slate. For tonight though, just for tonight, all I want to do is lie down and fall asleep in his arms, for at the moment his arms are the only place I feel truly safe.
Back in the great hall, it is easy to remember the tragedy that has served the setting for my happiness. The bodies, so many casualties of war, have been moved away from the main area, but I can see his family, heads on each others shoulders, clinging to each other, trying to smile through their tears and not quite succeeding. I give him a gentle push towards one of his brothers, detangling myself from his wrought iron grip on my hand. It's time for him to be with them, for he and I have all the time in the world. I watch as he joins a small knot of mourners at the edge of one of the house tables, and then I turn around, gathering my hair in my hands and letting it fall through my fingers. Heading towards the door, I spot a flash of red out of the corner of my eye. And I see her.
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done
I can't find him, although everyone else seems to be gathered here. It's over, that's the one thing that I'm truly sure of, and the childish little part of me that only cares for myself wants to shake him hard and ask what that means for us. Deep in my heart of hearts, I believe we will spend our lives together now, although at the moment it is hard to see anything ahead of the next few hours. I have a funeral to survive, before I can contemplate my future, my brother's funeral - yet I suppose I should be grateful; large as my family is, we only endured one notable loss. However this is a small comfort, as that one loss has left such a vast hole. There should be laughter echoing around me in a time of such celebration, but instead the small cluster of my family sits on the outskirts of the merriment.
I sit with my head on my mother's shoulder, not talking and not needing to. For once, my mother is silent, not telling me that I should be elsewhere doing other things. She saw me fighting tonight, and I saw her literally kill for me. That changed something between us, as if we are really seeing each other clearly for the first time. She doesn't know about me and him, although I'm sure she can see me scanning the hall, hoping to catch a glimpse. I don't know where he has gone, though I could make several educated guesses. I know him well enough to do that.
In these moments, even before I know for sure that he wants us to be together, I find myself wondering how the future will shape up to be. I see, in the moments where my own grief is not all consuming, a vision of myself in a wedding dress, in a labour ward, in a family home. In these moments, I want to smile through my tears but can't quite manage it. I see Ron, walking quickly across the hall, fingers linked with Hermione and I do smile briefly upon seeing that they've finally got their act together. He is not with them, I notice, not yet. I rise from the hard bench just as Ron tears himself away and wanders over. I feel Hermione's eyes on me but I'm not quite ready to talk to her; I want to talk to him. I wander, absent minded, over to the window, where Grawp is entertaining crowds of the younger students. I feel so very old standing next to those kids, as though I've lived a whole lifetime and beyond since my own early school years. I turn the corner, finding a small fragment of window that is not occupied, and sigh heavily, staring out into the semi-darkness. And then I see her.
And I'm lost without you here now
But I know I've got to live and make it somehow
I move quickly, not quite walking but not running, with no fixed idea of where I am going until I find myself there. The marble of the tomb seems to glow, eerie looking in the dull half light, and I stop in my tracks in front of it – in front of him. I've not been in, not ever, and I've scarcely been near, not since the day of the funeral. I tell myself that I've had no time; threats of a full scale war seem to have been at the top of my list of priorities over the past year. Deep down, I know I'm lying. I've not been near because I can't bear to be, simple as that, for the same reason that I cannot look at pictures or mention his first name in conversation; if I refer to him only by his surname then an air of professionalism remains, and the emotional aspect remains hidden.
"It's over". I hear myself speak these words aloud, as if telling him, although I am certain he already knows. I wonder if he would approve of me disappearing for a moment of peace and quiet for I know that this is not what he would have done. But then again, he always accepted that he was the more extrovert half of our partnership, and that I would always be more in need of quietness and solitude than he. "It's mad in there," I tell the stone encasement, "everyone's on top of the world. There were deaths though, so many losses; it's hard to ignore that. I know you would never have. You would have found a way to honour these people, without dulling the happiness of the crowds. I can't do it like you would have."
I didn't let him down when it really mattered, despite my anger at his choices in the last year of his life. I'm angry that I had to hear of his master plan on the battlefield, and I'm angered beyond belief that he never thought to confide in me concerning the true allegiance of Severus. I know, or at least the logical part of me knows, that it was for my own safety. I know that if he was here now all would be forgiven and we would be celebrating like the rest. Celebrating subtly, never revealing that we were more than friends. Yet he would find a way of letting me know, of thanking me for fighting. He would always let me know – a well timed look or a seemingly misplaced touch. Signs between those who had spent more years together than they would ever care to remember.
Looking up from the tomb, I am shocked and a little irritated to find that I am crying. Once again, my logic creeps in and I know that this is long overdue; I know that I have concentrated for a year on fighting, on finishing what he started. I have never cried for him, and, finally, I let myself. Wiping my eyes, I see a glimpse of red at a distant window and I wonder if Ginny can see me. I decide, just this once, not to care. Turning around to go back to the celebrations, I lay a hand on the tomb, my own subtle touch, hoping above hope that he knows I love him, and that eventually I will forgive him; I just want to be left alone to be angry for a little while first. I turn around fully to face the castle and almost keel over. I rub my eyes and blink furiously just to make sure I am not mistaken but I am, irrefutably, correct. I close my eyes and open them one more time just to make sure. And then I see her.
From here to eternity, I'm asking you to share your life with me
I always knew I would die fighting, although I always thought I would be in more pain than I was. Death doesn't hurt. Two words. Avada Kedavra. The way I always knew I would go. I have regrets, of course I do. My son, just a baby yet, and already an orphan. But he will know that despite all else, his father and I went together. He will know that we both died in battle, making a world in which he could grow up safe and happy, never having to worry that he might not make it alive to his next birthday. He'll live in a world of certainty, more than his parents were ever permitted to.
I'm not a ghost, at least I don't think I am, but I'm not quite ready to go on yet. My husband got his last look at the world, one last walk through the forest alongside Harry, and I knew that he was a little busy, reuniting with his friends. Friends I had never really known in life, though I did hope to meet them properly in death. So I went for one last look of my own.
I went to my mothers first, though I know she will not be able to see me. I give her a kiss she will not feel and I touch my sons' cheek as he sleeps peacefully. I don't think anyone has told my mother the news yet; for now she dozes next to her grandson, although I know she is not quite asleep, but lying with one ear open. I hope they are both proud of me. I try to whisper in Mum's ear that I'm off to look after Dad, but I know she cannot hear me anymore than she can see me. This reassures me once and for all that I am not a ghost, and I breath a sigh of relief. I want to go on to, as a great man once put it, "the next great adventure".
I watch the aftermath of the final battle, the congregation gathering in the great hall, the celebrations, the mourning, the slightly strange combination of tears and smiles. I sense that he will meet me and take me on, although I do not understand why I am so certain of this. I watch Ron and Hermione, sitting close together, and smile. I was always close to them, watchful of their waxing and waning relationship. I notice that Ginny has finally located Harry in the crowd and watch them embrace. I am certain that they will play a massive role in my sons' life and I am glad.
I leave the hall and head towards the forest, passing his tomb, and it is then that I realise she can see me. I watch Minerva blink in my direction and then rub her eyes to make sure, and I smile, though why she can see me I do not know. I gaze once upon his tomb and understanding dawns on me as I realise, finally, that they were so much more than friends. I leave her to her thoughts, moving on and closer to the edge of the forbidden forest, where I can see him standing, looking younger and happier in death than in life. I take his hand and together we disappear, safe in the knowledge that those left behind will one day join us, and those already gone are waiting for us to join them in their peace.
Disclaimer –Characters owned by JK Rowling and I thank her for letting me borrow them for now.
Songs – Nat King Cole "Nature Boy", Paula Abdul "Opposites Attract", Abba, "When All is Said and Done", Aaliyah "I Miss You", Michael Peterson "From Here to Eternity".