"Aaaah, this is more like it!"
Deadpool breathed out a contented sigh when he found the perfect spot to have a mid-morning picnic. Looking around, he noticed with distaste that there was a cow pasture nearby but the pasture was fenced in with a sturdy metal gate. Shrugging, secure in the knowledge that he was safe, he sat a large wicker picnic basket on the ground while he put a colorful red and black blanket beside it. He spread the blanket out on the ground, sat the picnic basket in the middle of it and plopped down to enjoy an afternoon meal.
Purposely sitting with his back to the pasture, he opened the top of his basket, pulled out a bottle of red wine, a wine glass and some chimichangas he'd previously warmed up. They were now slightly cold but he didn't mind. He loved chimichangas hot or cold.
At the moment, he was in his Deadpool outfit because he didn't want to risk someone seeing his face and because he looked pretty fucking cool in it. As he opened his bottle of wine, he was unaware that a Holstein cow was at the gate, watching him between the metal bars. The cow could smell the chimichangas on the wind while Deadpool poured himself a full glass of vino and relaxed. The cow, curious as to what the scent was, nudged the gate and was surprised when it creaked open. The cow began to press on it and the gate slowly opened while Deadpool pulled his mask up to nose level and began eating one of his chimis. Deadpool was enjoying his meal so much, he didn't hear the soft creak as the cow opened the gate and walked through it.
"Mmm…sweet, sweet, sweet," Deadpool murmured after downing the chimi with another swallow of wine. "I could get totally fucking wasted on this chardonnay, that's for damn sure," he added. "And no idiots around to bother me while I do so. I'm so glad I thought of this idea. Yup, Deadpool, you are fucking smart. Smarter than all those other dickwads out there. Except maybe Spider-Man…Nah, you're smarter than him. Little kid spends his day hanging upside down on his little web while you're out being a badass. And worse, he's being a goody goody two shoes. Ick, he'd be so much hotter if he wasn't such a boy scout. Whereas you, Mister Pool, don't have that problem. Yup, you are a total fucking badass, boy-o. Not like him or those weenies in the X-Mansion."
Deadpool sighed as he sat his wine down beside him and lay down on the blanket with his hands behind his head.
"Beautiful day today," he mused, looking up at the sky. "And look at all those clouds…say…one of them looks like a penis…sweet. Wonder if I can find one that looks like a vagina them…hmmm…"
Deadpool scanned the sky, looking for a cloud in the shape of a vagina. As he lay there, his eyes bulged when a cow's head suddenly blocked his view of the penis cloud, Deadpool blinked, hoping and praying that he was just seeing things while the cow chewed on a mouthful of grass and gazed down at him.
"Moooo…"
"HOLY SHIT, IT'S REAL!" Deadpool screamed as he leapt to his feet. "SHIT, SHIT, FUCK DAMN! WHO LET CLARABELL OUT OF HER PEN!"
His eyes nearly popped out of their eye sockets when the cow took a step closer to him, sniffing at him curiously.
"SHIT!" Deadpool screamed, freaking as he ran from his greatest fear.
The cow, alarmed at the weird red being, panicked and ran a few feet away. Then he stopped and noticed the red being was running the other way, screaming at the top of his lungs. The cow watched him flee like a bat out of hell and when he was far enough away, the cow wandered back to the picnic basket, curious about the contents inside it. He sniffed the basket, smelled the chimichangas and stuck his head inside, munching on the strange food, while Deadpool stopped and observed the cow from thirty feet away.
"HEY, YOU DEVIL SPAWN HELL BEAST, GET AWAY FROM MY CHANGAS BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO PRIME RIB!"
The cow ignored the screaming being in red and instead concentrated on eating the strange and delicious food he left behind him.
"GO…GO AWAY. DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!"
The cow was now completely absorbed in the meal, completely ignoring the screaming red being who was yelling at him in an unknown non-cow language.
"YEAH, I'LL KILL YOU, YOU DAMN COW! YOU BETTER MOVE IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"
The cow finished eating the changas. He raised his head, sniffed at the glass of wine and began to lap it up while the being in red yelled curses at him from afar.
Deadpool sighed while he watched the cow devour his meal.
"Damn it, of all the things it could have been, it had to be a fucking cow," he muttered to himself. "Couldn't have been Wolverine attacking me or Thanos or even Francis. No…it has to be my worst nightmare!"
He took a step forward, intending to deal with Bossy but he froze in his tracks when the cow raised his head and gazed at him quietly. Deadpool shivered at the unnerving stare.
"Fuck it, I'll come back later when Mister Moo Moo has moved on," Deadpool growled."HEAR THAT, I'M COMING BACK SO IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, YOU WON'T BE HERE WHEN I DO. BECAUSE I'M DEADPOOL AND…I'm a total badass," he said, weakly.
He sighed and shook his head, muttering under his breath about fucking cows with their fucking deadeye stares as he turned and walked away.
The cow watched the being in red turn and walk away from him before he let out a soft snort and finished off the glass of wine the being in red left for him.
THE END.