I come to a slow stop where the maze forks into two paths.
I've seen this before, I've seen it all before. No matter what way you turn, it's always the same. Nothing changes, everyday of my shucking life is like a perfect circle. Always ending at where it started. Everyday I start my day off by running. Always running. Always searching. Always waiting. Always running. But I'm lucky. I actually get to leave the shucking Glade. I hate it. I hate it all. I hate the Glade, and all who inhabits it. I hate the maze with it's always changing, but repeating pathways. I hate the Grievers, the Beetle Blades, and the walls that close every shucking night. And mostly I hate the Creators. Everything. Everything is and always will be the shucking same!
I can't take it, I slam my hand into the nearest wall, the vines cushion the blow.
How can this be my shucking life, what is the point? Why does it matter? Nothing matters. I don't shucking matter. I'm nothing, I don't matter. I'm nothing, I don't matter. I don't matter. I don't matter. I'm nothing. Alby, Minho, the rest of the Gladers don't need me. I don't matter. What's the point? Why do the Creators need me? Why am I here? I'm nothing. I'm tired of this life, I can't take it, nothing matters. I'm nothing! Do it. Just end it all.
I drop my backpack. And start to climb the wall. The vines are sturdy enough to carry me weight.
5 feet
Not high enough. Have to keep climbing.
10 feet
Did I have a family? Did they love? Maybe I had a family, with an older brother. Who took care of me. A mom who loved me unconditionally, or a dad who protected me. What would they think of me now? Would they be proud? Would they be disappointed? Is this what they would've wanted for me? I don't care. I'm nothing. Keep climbing, don't stop.
15 feet
Why does anything matter. Nothing changes, there is no point. We're all just objects in a maze. No way out, never will be. Stop the madness. I won't be waiting around, till we're all old, and dead. I don't matter, they don't need me. I'm nothing. I don't matter. Keep climbing.
20 feet
Will they find my body? I hope not. Alby and Minho are my best friends. I hope they don't find me. I hope the Grievers or the Creators get to me first. I hope they never find me, I hope I stay a mystery in the thousand that scar this shucking maze. I hope they don't find me. But if they do find me? It won't shucking matter. I don't shucking matter. Keep climbing.
25 feet
Will it hurt? How will it feel? Can I really do this? Will I actually do this? I don't care. I hate it here. I don't matter. I'm nothing. I don't care what will happen. I don't care what klunk comes from me. It just needs to end. I'm tired of it all. Just end. I'm nothing. I don't matter. Keep climbing.
30 feet
Am I a coward if I do this? Or am I brave enough to accept that we're going nowhere, and taking matter into my own hands? I'm a coward, I'm a coward. No! I'm nothing! I can't be a coward if I'm nothing! And I am nothing, I don't matter. Nothing matters. Stop thinking. There is no point. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. I'm nothing! Stop thinking. I don't matter. Stop thinking. Nothing matters. Too much thinking. STOP!
Keep climbing, keep climbing, I'm nothing, keep climbing.
Halfway up the wall.
I'm ready. I can do this. I'm nothing. I'm a coward. No. I'm nothing, I don't matter. Nothing matters. I can do this. The world is dead, the Glade is dead. I am dead. We're all dead. Just end it. Who cares? I don't care, I'm nothing. Jump. Do it. You're nothing. I'm nothing. Everyone is nothing. Jump. Jump. Jump. Minho. Jump. Alby. Jump. Jump. You're nothing. Shuck it. Shuck it all. Jump. The Glade. Jump. Jump. Shuck it. You don't matter. Jump. The Grievers. Jump. My family. You're nothing. Just an object. Jump. Jump. The Creators. I'm ready. Jump. Running. That's all I'm good for. Running. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Shuck it. Shuck it all. Jump. Jump. Jump. Do it. Thomas?
I push myself from the wall. My body falls to the ground so suddenly. I know it was the right choice. I have no regret of doing it. But I miscalculated my landing. My body collides with ground feet first. I first hear a sharp crack, the worst sound in the world. Then I feel the worst pain in the world, all coming from my ankle.
It didn't work. I'm a shucking idiot. No. I'm nothing. I failed. All there is to do is wait. Story of my life. All we ever do is shucking wait. Waiting till we find the way out of the Maze, the Glade, and our lives. Now I'm either waiting to die from the pain, or the Grievers to come find me. Or maybe one of the Gladers will come find me. But who cares. I don't matter. I'm nothing. Nothing matters.
I crawl over to the wall, the one that I jumped from. And lean against the sturdy vines , the ones I climbed. And I wait.