Disclaimer: I don't own anything from The Outsiders
you've got to do what you've got to do
She regretted letting him inside the house as soon as he took his first steps. He didn't take off his shoes, of course. He was tracking dirt everywhere, obviously. But she knew he was careless. He was always careless. And she was stupid. And that was how they got into this mess. And now they were stuck having an awkward conversation that she didn't want to have.
"Well, what do you want me to do?"
She stared at him, unable to comprehend how he could sit there with his hair flopped over his eyes and his the buttons of his shirt undone and clearly enjoying himself in the hot summer sun when she was going through what she was going through.
"I don't want you to do anything," she said. "You can forget about everything."
That was what she wanted - just to forget.
He didn't. And suddenly the carefree air surrounding him dissipated and all that was left was the angered, stubborn, and rude person that she had known forever. "Forget about it?" He scoffed. "This isn't somethin' you just forget about, Kate. It doesn't work that way!"
Kate shrugged. What else could she say?
"No words?" Tom was about to cut her loose, though he wasn't even hers to cut. They never made it to going steady despite all they did together. "You really are a piece of work, Katie, you know that? A real goddam piece of work."
"What do you want me to say, Tom?" Kate was honestly curious. What string of words could make this better?
"I don't know," Tom yelled. His voice quieted and he sighed, working to come up with a real answer. "Don't you want me there? Don't you need someone to drive you?" He wanted to do those things for her. "Do you need any money?"
"I don't need anything," she insisted, crossing her legs uncomfortably. Somehow she felt too awkward to move again, and so she sat there with her leg over her other, hands folded around her knee. "I'm fine, really."
He just had to look at her and wonder what she was really thinking. Wasn't she scared? She was so young - too young for him and much too young to have a kid of her own when she was just a kid herself. He knew that this was the right thing. The two of them could never raise a child together. But it still hurt. Tom's chest burned at the thought. His head spun knowing what was going to happen. And he had to look right at the girl sitting across from him and watch her seem completely okay.
"I'm sorry, Katie." It was his fault and they both knew it, but it was too late to change anything and apologizing seemed like second best.
"I know you are." She knew he was telling the truth. He could never look her in the eyes and lie. "Thank you."
Tom nodded and his sweaty hands found his knees, which he slapped before standing tall. "You'll call me after, right? After the thing? Let me know how you're doing."
Kate nodded, but she wasn't going to follow through. She couldn't do this and then see him again, she just couldn't. It hurt to much. Her face got hot and her toes tingled and she wondered if she could ever look him in the eyes, and when she decided 'no', she knew she was never going to call him.
Tom knew it too.
"I'll see you around, Kate." Tom was on his way out the door, stepping back through his dirty tracks. He took a brief glance that he couldn't control at her abdomen, where something might've been - could've been - should've been and then his eyes met hers.
He couldn't see anything behind her big hazel eyes - just a blank slate - a white wall.
Kate waved, watching his open the door to the house, letting the hot summer air inside. "Goodbye, Tom."
A small nod and an effortless smile and then the door was closed and he was walking away. Tom stepped onto the sidewalk, pushing every thought he had and replacing it with another. Kate sat back down on her couch and prepared for her appointment.
It was what she wanted, she was sure. Even if she wanted something else, she didn't have a choice. She had to do it.
You just gotta do what you've gotta do.