Glitterglue Vampire
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Author's Note: A cracky one-shot written and published at the behest of the lovely Samantha. Everybody be sure to thank her properly.
WARNING: Rampant fangirling, crack, and mild Twilight bashing/promotion!
It all started with an apple...or so they would all claim later when they were caught and making their excuses to Professor Sprout, but the truth was it all started with a book.
There wasn't anything particularly special about this book, it was just your average everyday vampire love story, its beautiful and tortured protagonists were generic and often one-dimensional and perhaps that's where the true appeal lay. For it was a simple matter for dreamy readers to replace the characters with people from the world around them or to imagine themselves as one of the protagonists in the story.
Of course it could have also just been the media hype that made the book so appealing.
Whatever the reason, there was hardly a muggle or muggleborn female anywhere in the world who hadn't read Twilight or at least seen the recent feature film and Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was by no means immune to the craze sweeping the nation.
This was how Lily Moon, Megan Jones, and Sally-Anne Perks found themselves gushing to their pureblood dorm mate, Leanne Wolport over lunch break one sunny afternoon in fall.
"I don't get it," said Leanne as she opened up the well-loved paperback flipped to a random page and began to read, "This Edward person is supposed to be a vampire right? How come the sunlight isn't affecting him? And why is he sparkling?"
"Oh," said Megan with a sigh, "The meadow scene, so romantic."
"I really don't get it."
Lily snatched the book from her friend's hand and scowled down at her menacingly (this was an amazing feat considering Lily was a petite girl of 4'11 with delicate Asian features).
"You're not meant to get it! It's not something you just get! It's, it's—"
"It's every girl's fantasy."
"Yes! Sally's got it! It's not about the realism at all, in fact it's all the better because you know Edward isn't going to act like a real vampire and Bella isn't going to act like a normal girl!"
"That's dumb though," Leanne insisted, "The book says that these people are meant to be a normal girl and a vampire and they're meant to be falling in love. I don't know what's going on here really but if the characters aren't doing what they're supposed to be doing isn't that just poor writing?"
Lily gave a put upon sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Megan would you—"
"Sure thing, boss!" agreed Megan with a cheerful salute, "Think about it like this Lee-Lee—"
"Don't call me that!"
"—look over at Cedric there."
Obediently Leanne turned to where Cedric Diggory had stopped to chat with Cho Chang at the Ravenclaw table.
It was no hardship to look at Cedric that was for sure. Tall with honey colored hair and grey eyes and a devastating smile he was widely regarded as the handsomest boy in school (except by the Slytherins who couldn't stomach the idea of admiring a Hufflepuff, the snobs, and the Harry Potter Fan Club who didn't count since they were out of their minds anyway). He was also a magical prodigy, earning top grades in all his classes, he was an amazing prefect and everyone agreed he'd be Head Boy next year. To top all that off he was also Quidditch Captain and the only seeker to have out flown Harry Potter (and what the Boy-Who-Lived lacked in looks the girls had to admit he made up for in flying talent).
The girls all gave in (not that they'd really been resisting) and stared at Hufflepuff's idol long and hard (and spared a glare or two for Cho Chang who had the nerve to also be smart, gorgeous and athletic but also, sadly, female).
"I kind of hate Chang," Megan said, pouting.
"You haven't even spoken three words to the girl."
"I still hate her. Anywho…back to the point, Edward is like Cedric. He's perfect, every girl's dream guy, and Bella is simply meant to be every girl. Get it?"
"So what you're saying is the reason this Bella Swan chick is so flat and insists she's normal and ordinary but also alienated and beautiful is because she has to be a fantasy vessel for every girl out there? And the reason this vampire Ed is so not vampy is because vampires are scary as all get out and not in the least bit romantic, am I right?"
"Eh," shrugged Megan, "More or less."
"But you're entirely missing the spirit of the thing," Lily said, bringing one small fist down on the table and sloshing pumpkin juice everywhere.
"Hey!" Megan complained.
"Look!" gasped Sally suddenly, pointing.
Immediately the Hufflepuff fourth years snapped their eyes back to Cedric and Cho. Cho had a red apple in hand and was moving to take a bite out of it when a rowdy group of second year Ravenclaws bumped her and the fruit went flying. Cedric made excellent use of his seeker reflexes and training (why Cho, who was also a seeker, didn't do the same would forever remain a mystery) and caught the wayward fruit with one hand, presenting it to the pretty Ravenclaw with a flourish and one of his heart-stopping grins.
Almost as one the twilighters squealed (and it wasn't just the Hufflepuff table, the only House not contributing to the sudden shrill noise was Slytherin).
"That was amazing!" Lily exclaimed.
"Perfect," agreed Megan.
"Hey, guys, don't you think that Cedric really looks like Rob Pattinson?" commented Sally, dropping her chin into her cupped hands and settling down for a good long staring off into space.
"Sally-Anne you're a genius!" declared Lily.
"I am?"
"You are," Megan confirmed, "Oi, Lilyflower, why is Sal here a genius?"
"Haven't I told you not to call me that!"
"It's no use, Megan just likes nicknames."
"In any case, Sally's a genius because Cedric really does look like Rob right? So all we'd need to do is hex him really pale, redden his hair a bit and change his eyes—"
"He'd be like a living Edward!"
Leanne rolled her eyes, grabbing a third roll from the breadbasket in front of her and standing, "I'm gonna go sit with Katie, at least I understand her obsession with Quidditch. You weirdoes have fun and try not to traumatize Golden Boy Diggory too badly, yeah? We still need him to compete in the Triwizard Tournament and he won't be able to if he's in to psych ward at St. Mungo's."
~The Next Day~
Cedric wasn't sure what had happened. He'd been walking to Charms early to talk to Professor Flitwick about his apprenticeship application when he'd blacked out only to wake up an hour later alone in an abandoned classroom. None of his things seemed to be messed with so he wrote the incident off as a failed prank.
He'd headed down to lunch, seeing as how Charms was already over (he'd have to see if he could get a moment with Professor Flitwick during his office hours and explain the situation) only to find that the female half of the student body had lost their minds.
Everywhere he went girls were staring and giggling and outright squealing and they kept on calling him Edward. Not even the students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang were immune.
A great number of Support Cedric Diggory/Potter Stinks badges now read *Team Edward* (though he saw some of the girls and that Creevey kid from the Harry Potter Fan Club wearing ones that read ^Team Jacob^) and there was a floating cloud above Cho's head that spelled out 'Bella Must Die' and seemed to be raining only on her.
Moving as quickly as he dared Cedric grabbed himself a few sandwiches from the Hufflepuff table and made his retreat. It would be chilly outside but that's what warming charms were for and it was a rare sunny day so no one could accuse him of cowardice for escaping to the courtyard or the lake.
He got about three steps through the door when a sudden shriek of "Wait!" made him pause against his will, glancing over his shoulder with a wince.
"Moon?"
"Ed—er, Cedric! You're going to eat outside?" asked the petite Asian fourth year, color high in her cheeks.
"Yeah, it's such a nice day, who knows when I'll get a chance like this again," said Cedric, flashing her his best smile and trying not to feel guilty about lying to his housemate.
"You can't!" she said suddenly, flushed and panicking as she dug around in her bag for something, "Crap, I didn't think we'd need this, where—"
"Moon?"
"Here!" she cried out in triumph brandishing a tube of…something, "Close your eyes, I'll just put this on you so that you'll be protected from the sun, then you can go!"
Glancing over her shoulder Cedric noted a group of Gryffindor Sixth years with *Team Edward* buttons bearing down on them and he gulped feeling a bit like a hunted animal.
"Fine, fine," he said, "Just do it quick okay, we only have an hour lunch break."
Moon practically beamed at him and he closed his eyes and let her slather a bunch of cool gritty goo over his face and neck.
"Perfect!" she squealed once she was finished.
Cedric threw a quick (insincere) thank you over his shoulder as he rushed for the front doors and freedom. He made it a few feet into the courtyard when he noticed a persistent clicking sound.
"Who's there?" he demanded.
"Smile!"
Cedric whipped around and was nearly blinded by the flash of the Creevey kid's camera (and to think Potter had to deal with that all the bloody time).
"Ooh," said Creevey, grinning widely from behind his giant camera, "I hope that one turns out. I'll make a fortune selling the prints to the Edwardians! You know I'm really a Jacob fan but I have to say, Diggory that you make an awesome Edward! The glitter is a nice touch too!"
AN: There you have it folks! Hope you enjoyed!
I used this piece to experiment a bit with a new writing style. Please take a moment to leave a comment or six in the box below and let me know what you think.
-Berry