Does anybody her know about those Old Spice bodywash commercials? Is anybody here a fan of Avatar: The Last Airbender, specifically Sokka? At this point, you can tell where this fanfic is going, and if I do it correctly, it'll be funny. I just hope that Old Spice doesn't sue me for using their name.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Old Spice. I do not own any of the characters from Avatar: The Last Airbender. If I owned both, I would be filthy rich.
"Katara! Come quick!" Sokka yelled. "My commercial's gonna be on any second, and I can't have you miss it!"
"I'm coming! Hold on!" Katara came running from the kitchen to quell her brother's yelling and stopped by the side of the couch; she leaned to one side, still standing.
Sokka was in the center of the couch, cradling an enormous bowl of popcorn in his right arm and using his left arm to force the food down his throat. Suki was on his right, squished between the arm of the sofa and Sokka's side. She was irked by the lack of space, yet Suki still managed a small smile in the presence of her boyfriend. On Sokka's left was Aang, who was completely untouched by both Sokka and the sofa's arm; he sat cross-legged, holding a bag of chips.
In the far right of the room was a small love couch, where Toph and Zuko sat. Zuko was a little uncomfortable, not because of the lack of space, but because Toph kept trying to burrow into his chest. Each time she did, Zuko tried to gently nudge her away. Eventually, Toph finally managed a strong grip on Zuko, leaving him frustrated.
"When is this commercial going to come on?" he asked, impatiently. "I don't have all day!"
"I do," Toph said, dreamily. "I have all the time in the world for you, Zuzu." She clutched him tighter, letting out a small sigh as she did. Zuko raised his free arm and pinched the bridge of his nose, then rubbed his temple. His captor only squeezed tighter, making him grunt.
"Please," Zuko pleaded, "someone kill me."
"While you're at it," Toph said, "kill me too. That way, we can both spend an eternity together, not a care in the world...oh, Zuzu..."
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Zuko asked, frantically.
"Sssshhhh!" Sokka said. "My commercial is almost on! It's right after this infomercial! I know it!" He shoved some more popcorn into his mouth, while Suki made a slightly disgusted face.
"Hey Sokka," she said, "Do you think that -"
"Quiet woman!" shouted Sokka. "It's commercial time!"
"Well," said Suki, "I didn't know that you cared about a commercial more than me." She started to pout, hoping to draw Sokka's attention to her. It didn't work too well.
"Suki, I love you," Sokka said, eyes focused on the television, "but right now, I want everyone to see this! I'm going to be on TV!"
Katara spoke up. "Sokka, you're starting to -" She was interrupted by the television; the commercial that Sokka was raving about had finally come on, and, just like her older brother, the commercial was obnoxious, sporadic, and downright mind-boggling.
(For your convenience and mine, the commercial is going to be written as if it was a play; too much detail will cause this scene to lose its fast pace. To help with the pacing, imagine what Sokka is saying is going extremely fast, yet still at a reasonable pace.)
(Sokka is standing shirtless in a bathroom in front of a shower curtain)
"Hello ladies! Look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me."
"Sadly, your man isn't me, but with Old Spice deodorant he could smell just as good as me (But most likey he won't!)."
(Scene changes from a bathroom setting to a cruise ship)
"Look down, now look up...where are we? You're on a boat with a man your man could smell like! (But he doesn't!)"
"What's in your hand? Now back at me! I'm holding a boomerang encrusted with gold and sapphire! What's that got to do with anything? Don't know!"
"Look back at your hand, now back to mine! The boomerang is now a cute and fuzzy lemur!" (A confused Momo is resting on Sokka's hand)
"Look again; the lemur is now a pile of diamonds!" (Momo turns into a pile of diamonds...not really)
"Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not some cabbage merchant!"
"I'm on an air bison." (Camera zooms out to show Sokka riding on Appa backwards through the air)
"Extinct? No. Fun? Yes. OLD SPICE!"
KABOOOOOOOM!
(Old Spice tune is whistled; big explosion; commercial ends abruptly)
Sokka leapt from the couch and turned to face his friends. "So?" he asked, excitedly, "what didja think? Pretty neat huh?"
Everyone was in a state of befuddlement upon watching Sokka's television debut. No one had anything to say; no one could even speak because of the sheer absurdity of the commercial. The Gang was in total silence for a minute, leaving Sokka a little worried that they didn't like it. Finally, Toph spoke up.
"What did I just watch?"
Sokka chuckled. "Nice one Toph, but you're blind, remember?"
Toph cracked a smug smile.
"Actually," said Aang, "I think Toph's got a point: what was that commercial even about?"
"Weren't you even paying attention? I was selling deodorant...for MEN! Y'know, man stuff to make a man smell, well, manly."
Silence.
Zuko spoke up. "Did Momo turn into diamonds?"
"No Zuko, it was special effects."
"You know what I mean. In the commercial, did Momo turn into a pile of diamonds?"
Sokka scratched the back of his head. "Well, yeah he did. But the point was -"
"What point?" asked Katara. "I'm still stuck on the bathroom-to-ship transition part!"
"And why were you riding Appa backwards?" questioned Suki. "Come to think of it, what purpose did he have in the first place? I though that this commercial was about selling 'man deodorant'!"
Sokka plopped down on the floor and put his chin in his hand. "I thought that you guys would like it," he muttered.
"We do, Sokka," said Aang, "but we're just wondering what the hell the commercial was even about! I mean, it's funny in a non sequtiur way, but...it...what the hell?"
Silence.
"Why did you have your hair down in the commercial?" wondered Toph, picking her ear. "Personally, I liked the 'wolf tail' look that you had going on."
Sokka smiled. "Well thank you, Toph," he replied. "I let my hair down in the commercial because I wanted to try a different look. I wanted to show a more -"
Sokka fell silent, realizing what Toph had said, and he wasn't the only one in the room to do so. Everybody turned their attention to the young Earthbender sitting on the love couch with Zuko, completely forgetting about what was on the television. Zuko cleared out his ears and performed a miniature hearing test to make sure that what he had just heard was valid.
"Toph?" asked Zuko. "Is there something that you would like to tell us?"
Toph raised her head and looked Zuko in the eye.
Zuko gulped. "H-hey," he said nervously, trying to break the awkward silence.
Toph winked. "How you doin'?"
Even more silence. Aang tried to cough so he could break the uncomfortable atmosphere, but he ended up having everybody focusing on him. He smiled.
"I'm going in the kitchen now," he said, with Katara quickly following him.
"Yeah," she said. "Me too. I'm...I'm going to teach Aang to make pancakes...or something." A horrified look covered her face.
The silence was unbearable. Suki went to her room in an almost zombified state, while Sokka ran upstairs, panting heavily.
"So, Zuko...that scar makes you look HOT. No pun intended." The young girl started to cackle at her own bad joke, further scaring whoever was listening at that moment.
"What the hell is going on?" a terrified Zuko asked himself.
"Something good that shouldn't worry you, my golden-eyed honey bun," Toph said, squeezing Zuko tighter while gearing up for a kiss.
Sokka quickly slammed the door to his room as soon as he got in. The Water Tribe warrior fell to the floor in panic and brushed his hair back. What was going on? Everything had fallen apart. Reality seemed to crumble before everybody's eyes. When did their known universe begin to collapse? Sokka pondered these questions and tried to assess the situation, but he had nowhere to begin. Then, a sudden realization had occurred to him; an abrupt revelation shot through his mind. He grabbed his pipe and hat (the same pipe and hat that he used to solve to murder of Chin the Conqueror by Avatar Kyoshi) and stroked his chin in an epiphanic way.
"My GOD!" he said. "The absurd and nonsensical nature of my commercial caused our Universe to give way to an assortment of unreality. By allowing myself - a random person by nature - to participate in an act of irregularity, I have overwhelmed the boundaries set up by our own Dimension, letting our reality intermingle with a cornucopia of other realities, causing this world to fall into unreality; Toph being able to see and her uhh ...interest in Zuko being prime examples of what I just said."
Sokka puffed his pipe, bubbles flowing out of it like a winding snake.
"You know you like it!" Toph's screaming could be heard clearly through Sokka's door, despite her being downstairs. Zuko could be heard as well. "You're twelve years old! Get a grip on realtiy, you sick child!"
"Old enough!" Toph screamed at Zuko, furniture breaking amidst the hollering. Sokka shuddered.
"I need to fix this."
He puffed his pipe again. "I have caused chaos."
A/N: Didn't expect that, did ya? Anyway, I hoped you liked reading my story; please be kind enough a leave a heartfelt review, for it would be greatly appreciated. This story probably wasn't my best, but I hope it entertained. Oh, and please don't tell Old Spice that I used their product in a fanfic. I don't know if it's against 's rules to use a real product, but if it is, I'll change the name.
R&R and much love,
Dr. Livingston