A/N: A brief story expanding on the emotional turmoil of losing people during Mass Effect 3. Sure BioWare tells brilliant stories, but sometimes they move characters along at emotional paces that occasionally defy logic and nature. Warning- story is cannon compliant and will contain spoilers!

Timeline: Takes place during Mass Effect 3, post coup attempt

Interaction Setup: Shepard did not have a romance during Mass Effect 1, but did romance Thane in Mass Effect 2.

The Things You Don't Know

"I have feelings for you Shepard, and I want more."

Something in her had shattered at his words, her smile a jagged thing. He knew, even before she opened her mouth, he knew her words were going to hurt.

"I'm sorry Kaidan; I think we should keep things professional."

Yep, that had hurt all right. He closed his eyes, trying desperately to forget. Even though the meal had been his idea, he'd wanted frantically to get out of there. Shepard hadn't done more than pick at her food. And now things would be awkward. Damnit! He closed his eyes, wanting to thump his head on the table. Despite his early promise to himself to not dwell, Kaidan couldn't stop himself from analyzing the moment over and over again. Instead he pinched the bridge of his nose, and tried to look like he was doing something other than brooding in the mess.

Him and Shepard —well it just made sense, to him. They worked so well together in combat and … before they'd been such good friends on the first Normandy. She often asked for his input, even though she was the Commander. She hadn't accepted the advances of Dr. T'Soni, either. Maybe he'd been imagining things, but he remembered how her gaze would linger on him. He'd thought it was the regs keeping them apart back then. God knew he'd wanted to say something- badly in fact.

Kaidan winced, of course then there were the Collectors… oh yeah them and Horizon. His gut twisted even further when he also remembered some of his more barbed comments on Mars too. God, he really was an ass. So, was that it? Was it his hurtful words that had driven her away, because he could make it right. Or, or was it something bigger than that? Was there someone else? Maybe that's what was going on. He frowned. Shepard was a ferociously private person, especially since becoming a Specter. As soon as her life had become what she called "public domain", she'd fought even harder to keep some piece of herself safe and private. So while Shepard never revealed anything about her intimate life, something could be going on with no-one the wiser. So really, the question was, who was it?

He'd seen the looks that passed between Shepard and Liara. Looks that spoke multitudes in silence. At first he thought it had meant something had happened between the two of them. He still wasn't sure it hadn't. But there were other times —moments when the silent looks made them seem more like sisters than anything else. Maybe there wasn't anything going on? His eyes followed the patterns of faint scratches in the table without really seeing them as he tried to piece things together.

He'd been in the hospital when Garrus had come aboard. He was almost surprised how often Shepard's steps took her toward the battery. She almost always wore the same faint smile when she breezed past. There had been some idle speculation from one or two crew members, but the doc had shot down those notions fairly quick. Besides, Shepard and Garrus were friends; had been through hell together —twice over in fact. And Garrus wasn't exactly subtle about the fact that he wasn't really into human women.

Kaidan frowned to himself, his mind following Shepard's usual progress round the ship. She did spend enough time up on the bridge to raise eyebrows, but that could just be for business reasons as any other. Joker was another one who'd been there for her. Shepard was always remarkably good to those loyal to her. And if Joker could be believed, his was the first familiar face she'd seen off the operating table. The thought made his stomach twist with...something. Kaidan knew his thoughts concerning Joker's so-called loyalty were anything from clear. His frown quickly became a pronounced sigh. No, Joker had EDI, if one could call that a relationship, exactly.

Even just picturing Shepard moving through the ship was painful. God he cared about her so much, and she... she'd completely rejected him. He wasn't sure if he was mad at her, mad at himself or just mad at the galaxy in general; probably some horrible combination of all three. His heart sank even further when he heard the elevator open and the sound of familiar steps.

"Shepard," a voice with a mechanized edge was speaking. Tali was always easy to recognize.

"I'm fine," her wonderful and awful voice replied, her tone gruff.

"Shepard, please," Tali's tone was bordering on plaintive.

"I said I'm fine," she growled.

Kaidan shivered slightly. He'd never heard Shepard sound so threatening in his life, and he'd been with her on Ferros.

"You're not fine Shepard," the Quarian continued, rather bravely in his opinion. "We're worried about you. You haven't even..."

"You don't wanna finish that sentence," she broke in, her tone colder than a Noverian blizzard.

There was a very long silence, followed by the whispering hiss of a door opening and closing. He could hear Tali muttering to herself as she headed toward his spot in the mess.

"Oh, Kaidan, I didn't see you there," Tali sounded nervous. Shepard must've really scared her.

"Hey," he tried to sound like a person who hadn't eavesdropped on their conversation.

He watched the young woman putter around for a moment.

"What's wrong with Shepard?" he finally asked, deciding they might as well talk about the elephant in the room.

Kaidan wasn't an expert on Quarian postures, but he could feel the exasperation and anxiety coming off her in waves.

"Why don't you try asking her, Major," she sniffed.

"I'm not ready to meet the business end of her shotgun," he replied sourly.

Tali snorted. "That makes two of us."

They both settled into a comfortable silence, each preoccupied with their own thoughts.

Again his mind traced her usual route through the ship when it occurred to him; Shepard spent a large amount of time in the Life Support plant. He frowned, trying to come up with a reason for her lingering. Surely EDI could monitor the equipment better than she could.

"So why does she spend so much time in Life Support?" he blurted the question, obviously his brain and his mouth were having a solid disconnect at the moment.

Tali did a double take, her shock palpable.

"You don't know? Keelah, you really don't know do you?" she said, almost to herself.

Kaidan stared at her, not knowing what to say.

Tali dropped into the seat across from him. Her shoulders sagged, like she'd just been saddled with an extraordinary weight.

"Shepard... well, she loved someone," her words were a bit halting. Tali's voice carried so much pain. He blinked his surprise.

"Someone from the Collector mission," his friend clarified. "He... his room was there, in Life Support," she finished and Kaidan had the distinct impression there was a lot being left unsaid. "I think she visits to feel close to him." Tali threw a glance over her shoulder. As though she were afraid Shepard would appear suddenly.

"Oh."

So there was someone else. But wait, why was everyone acting so cautious about it-like the subject was a live grenade?

"So where is he?" Kaidan finally asked.

Tali flinched, her head dropping further into her hunched shoulders.

"He's dead, Kaidan," she said very, very softly.

It felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. Kaidan wanted to smack himself in the head. Of course, the entire galaxy was at war. People were losing loved ones at every turn. It made sense that she might lose someone too.

"When?" He hadn't meant to whisper, but he felt winded.

"During the Cerberus coup," Tali whispered back.

Forget being kicked in the gut, he felt like he'd been thrown by a biotic punch! He had the distinct impression that his mouth was hanging open, but he couldn't move past the shock to remember how to close it. The coup attempt had been... what, two- no three and a half weeks ago!

"Garrus said it happened right in front of her," Tali's voice barely reached him across the chasm of his shock, and her words only brought a fresh wave of horror.

He didn't remember putting his head into his hands, but suddenly there it was. That knowledge felt like a millstone, weighing him down, and it wasn't even his lover that he'd lost. In some ways it was worse. Shepard was no doubt feeling the same agony he was, only colored by the horror of having to watch it replay in her nightmares every night. And there wasn't any way he could help her. Knowing her, she'd bottle it up, especially when someone was around. He couldn't even offer words of comfort or sympathy. Kaidan shuddered, feeling sick. And he'd just declared his feelings. The woman was in mourning and there he was, hoping to climb into her pants! Some combination of horror and self-loathing twisted through his gut, and he felt beyond wretched. He couldn't even go apologize for his lack of delicacy without acknowledging ship gossip. There wasn't any way to make it right, and not any way to un-know it. He stood without realizing it. Tali's exclamation was lost, as was whatever excuse he made, before his feet began moving. It didn't really matter. He just had to get away. Just somewhere to outrun the humiliation in his gut and the horror in his mind.

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