Harry Potter and the Sorcerous Spam
By Samuel Hatfield
DISCLAIMEW: I do NOT own any of the Hawy Pottew charactews, howevew, I do own the actions that they take, and the situations that I put them into.
Chapter One: Snark
"AHHH!!! OMIGOD!!!" came a cry from the kitchen.
Harry awoke with a start from REM sleep. He was dreaming of, oddly enough, Hedwig making love to Pigwidgeon. Sick Bastard.
The screams came again as Harry fully realized were he was. He was in a small bedroom at Number 4, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surry, United Kingdom, Europe, Eurasia, Planet Earth. He hated it here; every single novel begins at this location. Harry started to think about the possibility of formula writing within prolonged book series when his cognitive speculation was rudely interrupted by the blood-curdling screams of terror that shook the suburb.
"I'm coming down in a minute." Harry protested, now bleeding at the ears. He wandered towards the kitchen when another chorus of screams erupted and caused a fissure in the floorboards. Harry only then started to wonder: Why were Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and Dudley screaming like that?
"I BLAME ALIEN VISITATION!" Harry's introspection was vaporized by the cry from Dudley.
"DUDLEY, DON'T SAY THAT! ALIENS CAN'T EXIST IN THIS GENRE!" Aunt Petunia scolded.
"AND BESIDES, WHAT IF THEY CAME, JUST BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT?" shouted Vernon, picking up on a very common occurrence within fiction.
With that horrid thought filling their minds, the three started an endless shriek. Incidentally, their pitch was a perfect High C. They were within 1/10,000 of a cent of each other (Aside: By the way, the cent is a subdivision of sound frequencies in the music world). Because of this, the sound wave crests were perfectly aligned, and at the sympathetic frequency of glass. After fifteen seconds of unadulterated bellow, all the glass in a 10-block radius was instantly disintegrated. As consequence, the glass was inhaled by innocent bystanders, and they died. Talk about cause-and-effect.
Nevertheless, Harry trotted down the now pulverized stairwell and into the now derelict kitchen.
"What is the big deal?" Harry asked his relatives. His only relatives. The ones that he has had to live with for the course of his life. I would delve into his deep emotional struggles, but they are too familiar to all of us, and the majority of the readers no longer care.
The Dursleys looked at Harry with the trademark look found in the Harry Potter movies. And Uncle Vernon gave the following speech, very much following the same vocal pattern that he did in the same films.
"We have reason to believe that Dudley is loosing weight"
At that moment, Harry realized the catastrophes that have happened in this story so far were nothing compared to this. Harry went white in the face.
"How?"
"How indeed!" Aunt Petunia cried in desperation. "All conventions that are contained within these stories are now ended! Chaos can ensue!"
"But Petunia, weren't you trying to get Dudley to lose weight previously?" asked the man made of Scottish haggis.
"Why, yes indeed, wasn't I?" questioned the woman made of straitened paperclips.
"Does that mean I get to eat sweets again?" inquired the boy made of liposuction refuse.
"Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of the diet?" prodded the wizard made of pretentious crap.
"Indeed" said Petunia, breaking the poetic writing format.
"Well, to break another part of this story, I'm leaving to go to Hogwarts now." Harry declared.
"See you next summer," said Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon simultaneously.
"Good Riddance."
Harry heard this last remark from Dudley has he walked out of Number 4, Privet Drive, unknowingly for last time.
The three looked at Harry for about 32 microseconds, and then returned to the issue at hand. Dudley had shrunk, but in truth he had gained weight. How was this possible? That was the question that Vernon and Petunia were delving into.
The answer rests in the diet that Petunia set up for everyone. Dudley was used to eating buckets of slop seven times a day (breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, supper, and his midnight snack) When he switched to grapefruit, his body mistakenly went into a period of starvation, and every ounce of food he consumed turned into pure fat. Petunia had also started to purchasing Lycra girdles for Dudley to wear. This inadvertently caused a high-pressure system within Dudley to develop, and compressed his fat cells.
Was this girdle the reason he shrank? Not at all, dear readers, for Dudley was now undergoing a strange phenomenon that only occurs in space: Gravity. Yes, he had eaten so much, and the pressure only cemented the astrological fact. The gravitational pull was what caused the shrinkage, for as you know, objects accelerate towards any centre of gravity, or in this case, Dudley's skin falling towards this duodenum (the beginning of the small intestines).
"Well, Dudley, do you want another Slim Fast™ snack bar?" Aunt Petunia asked, without premonition of what was to come.
Dudley didn't even think about answering before his spinal cord reflex-synapsed and his hand grabbed the low-calorie health bar from his mother's hands and his mouth sucked it directly to his stomach, very much like the plastic cylinders and the vacuum tubes at the bank.
This event would forever change Dudley. This final meal had added the last matter needed to achieve the Chandrasekhar limit.
Dudley began to shrink steadily. His parents began to scream. A black aura formed around Dudley, and all hope died.
And thus was the end of the Dursleys. 'Twas the end of most of the 10-block area around them, for the Chandrasekhar limit denotes that an object has enough mass to become a black hole. As it came to pass, Dudley first completely collapsed and formed the gravitational abyss that was now to be the local graveyard. As the surrounding light passed through the event horizon, Petunia fainted, and Vernon tried to grab the wench and run for it, but it was all for naught, for he was dragged into the darkness. All of the dead bodies from the glass-inhalation incident earlier in the chapter fell into the gravity well.