I See Your Smile
The morning sun shone through the Mission windows as Deeks arrived at his desk & dumped his bag. He was first in the bullpen that day. He wasn't disappointed though, he knew his girlfriend/partner was about five minutes behind him. He didn't know why they kept up the pretence to be honest, it wasn't like the team didn't know that he and Kensi lived together after all, even Granger strategically turned both blind eye & deaf ear, for God's sake. Still, as Kensi had said just last night:
"It matters to me baby, travelling in separately; it gives me the space to 'flick the switch'."
Deeks had sighed & tried not to sound hurt, even if he was just a little:
"I get it Kens, I really do, that's why I stayed with the LAPD, they can't split us up if I don't technically work for NICS, but,…"
"But?" Kensi turned hearing the drop in his voice,
"But Kens, it KILLS me denying I love you. It rips me up." Tears prickled at his eyes.
"Denying me?! You've NEVER denied me! Not once! Wait; is that what you think I do to you?!" Kensi looked shocked. "Is this is about me kissing Callen? We were UNDERCOVER, dodging guys with guns, I maybe wouldn't BE here if Callen hadn't grabbed me; he & Sam are my BROTHERS!"
Deeks sighed:
"I know that Kens, I trust you & them, truly, with all my soul, it's just…"
"Just what?!" Her voice held an icy chill now.
"Just I look at you sometimes & I wish, off duty, you'd let me love you."
"I do, look around you…," they were having this conversion, naked, tangled in the sheets, "…we are fantastic together!"
A small smile flickered across his face:
"Yes we are, the best ever; this is about MORE though. You shrug my hand off your shoulder in public, you laugh AT me when I buy you flowers, you never introduce me as your boyfriend. I know I'm just a cop & not service personnel like your Dad, Sam or Callen, & God alone knows I know I'm not good enough for you, but I LOVE you & I want to treat you like the queen you are to me!" By now he was crying. "If you don't want that Kensi, if you REALLY are ashamed of me, tell me to go & I will, but the denying us is KILLING me!"
Each of Deeks considered, measured, words' hit Kensi with the force of a centre mass, poison-tipped, bullet. He had clearly been thinking like this for some time. Had she REALLY been treating him so badly, belittling him, using him like one of her old first/only dates, but one she hadn't EVEN bothered to dump? The look in his eyes said he wasn't saying any of this to hurt her but simply because it was the truth as he felt it.
"Oh my God, what have I done?! Marty, I…" she dissolved into tears.
He gathered her into his arms:
"Hey, shh! It's ok, it'll always be ok. You're my partner & if that's who you can be I'll take it. Just give me tonight & I'll walk, I swear. Shh, I'm just SO sorry that I wasn't whom you needed."
"But…"
He put a finger to her lips:
"Don't say it, don't say I am if I'm not, there's no need to lie. It's ok Princess, really."
She looked up at him through a blur of tears:
"But love is weakness, I can't be weak!"
He took her face in his hands:
"Kensi, love, REAL love, is the exact opposite of weakness, it's the strongest thing in this whole damn world! Stronger than hate, bravery, fear, greed, lust, all of them! But it IS wild & terrifying & risky."
"I can't do it, I CAN'T risk it! What if..?!"
"What if what Kensi? What if you mess up? I'll have your 6 as always, ALWAYS!" he promised.
"No, no,,,," she tried to turn away but he held her fast, "… you don't understand! What if it's not in me to love you or anyone anymore?! What if I can't BE a woman any more, what if all I am now is some evil, robotic killer?!"
Deeks sighed & he swore he ACTUALLY heard his heart not just break but shatter into a million, razor sharp, pieces:
"Kensi, you are NOT that; you are nowhere NEAR that.!"
"How can you tell?" there was a plea in her voice now.
"Because you're crying for a start, because Monty likes you, because you're Nell's BFF, because you're Callen & Sam's 'sister' & because I love & desire you so much my heart can hardly hold it all!"
"Truly?" her voice was tiny.
"Truly." He vowed, "Now rest love. You're real, you're really here & you are safe, so sleep." He soothed.
"Thank you."
"Any time baby, just so long as I see your smile."
And just before she drifted off to sleep he did.