Pages of a Life

by ephiny63

Teen!Chester, Sam's 18, Dean's 22. A horrific accident changes the lives of all three Winchester men as they try to come to grips with what happened. A journal written by the youngest Winchester may give his father some much needed insight.

1. Chapter 1

Pages of a Life.

A Teen!chester story

Disclaimer: Nope not mine, sigh, just checked again and nope nothing. No money has passed through the empty coffers either.

Author's Note: Sam is 18 and Dean is 22, set before the big fight and Sam goes to Stanford.

S—D

July 20th 2001:

The only sound in the room was the steady beeping of a heart monitor; barely noticeable in normal circumstances, in normal every day sounds of a hospital ward but when there is no other sound it is deafening.

The hushed whoosh of the life-saving oxygen flooding through the nasal line seemed hushed in deference to the heart monitor's beep, beep, beep evenly spaced and constant in volume.

With the shades drawn on the large windows the room slivers of the late afternoon sun bathed the room in soft golden shadows. Two beds dominated the room but only one of them had an occupant; the other had rumpled sheets and a crushed pillow but no other signs of occupation.

The occupier of the other bed lay deathly still; the only sign of life was the slight rise and fall of the bare chest. Tubes, cords, electrodes, and needles decorated the translucent skin. From a distance, you would think that they only slept, and not caught in a private war, fighting the fight to end all. The fight to live.

S—D

Two Months Earlier:

May 15th 2001

'We can't leave dad, please not until next week.' Eighteen year old Sam implored his father using his full on kicked puppy look, 'there's only a couple of weeks until graduation.'

'Sam we've been through this already.' John grumbled desperately trying to keep his voice low and controlled, 'the hunt is important, people are dying.'

'Let me stay here, I'll finish and meet up with you.'

'Not on your own Sam it's not up for negotiation.' John's voice raised ever so slightly, a small warning to Sam not to push but he ignored it and kept on pressing.

'Dad please, it's only a couple of weeks.'

'Samuel!'

'What if Dean stayed with me?' Sam tried to change tact, he and Dean had already spoken about the possibility, and although his brother was reluctant to sit out a hunt, he was willing to stay with Sam until graduation.

'Dean what do you have to say about all of this?' John demanded with the assumption that Dean would never back out on a hunt.

'Ah, yeah well if Sam is hell bent on stayin' then yeah I'll stay with him.' Dean admitted rubbing the nape of his neck nervously unable to look up into his dad's eyes.

'You what?' John was so sure that Dean would agree with him and it took him completely by surprise when he didn't, but then, when it came to Sam where Dean was concerned it was a different ball game altogether.

'Fine, I'll get Caleb to come in with me, seeing that you've already done the research for me Sam and this is the end of the school for you, I'll give you this one.' John said his voice deliberately kept low and controlled, 'but, and I mean but as soon as you are finished the pair of you are to pack up and meet up with me is that understood?'

'Yes sir.' The boys answered in unison.

'Thanks dad.' Sam added with a small smile for his father, 'I promise as soon as the last class is over ...'

S—D

The Week Before Graduation:

'Yo Sammy come on we're gonna be late.' Dean bellowed as he grabbed the keys and headed towards his baby, 'and good morning to you girl.' He sighed and ran his hand lovingly over the black duco.

'Why don't you just get a room?' Sam sniped as he slid into the passenger side door and took up his usual position of shotgun.

'Puhleaze Samantha ... anyway what do you know you good little boy you.' Dean sniped back, the banter light and filled with teasing, nothing malicious for their morning discussion.

'Did you hear from dad?' Sam asked suddenly sobering and looked at his brother his green eyes dark and hooded.

'Yeah, he said that he's got us a place in Greyson Idaho.' Dean grimaced, 'sounds so peachy.'

'Yeah? So he still wants us to leave before?'

'Sorry dude but at least he's letting ya finish here.' Dean patted Sam's knee as he pulled the car onto the road and then flicked on the music.

As they pulled in front of Southern Plains High School, Dean turned and looked at his brother for a moment before speaking, 'dude I know how important your graduation ceremony is ...'

'Nah it's okay Dean,' Sam sighed heavily, 'I know what happens anyway we got to go to yours.'

'Sammy.'

'I guess dad didn't get the message anyway.' Sam turned to get out of the car when Dean's hand gripped his arm and held him in place.

'What are you talking about Sam?'

'I was made Valedictorian Dean ... I guess I'll tell em that I won't be able to attend the ceremony.'

'Fuck Sam why didn't you say something earlier?'

'What's there to say? Dad said we have to leave as soon as my last class is over.' Sam pulled his arm free from Dean's grip and slipped out of the car, 'see ya this afternoon.'

'Damn you dad.' Dean snarled and thumped the steering wheel with his fists, while he watched Sam make his way into the main school building. His brother's shoulder's slumped forward and his entire demeanour changed the closer he got to the door, it was as if Dean could actually see the black cloud of depression hanging over his brother's head. With a determined look on his face, he made his way home and formulated what he was going to say to their father. Sam made Valedictorian ... freaking Valedictorian.

S—D

Dean leant against the impala and waited impatiently for Sam, after the discussion or rather the very heated argument on the phone with his father Dean burnt off his temper by going for a run through the foothills close to where they lived. Feeling better, he knew that he would be able to give Sam the news.

Yes, it was the heated and long but Dean won, he had finally argued against his father's wishes and won. However, it was a bittersweet victory.

'Hey Dean.' Sam repeated himself and waved his fingers in front of Dean's face trying to get his attention. 'Dean!'

'Huh? Oh hey Sammy.' Dean blinked furiously as he pulled himself back to the present, 'you're looking pretty please with yourself.'

'Ah I ah ... got a date.' Sam shot the words out as he got into the car, his nervousness getting the better of him.

'Did I hear ya right? My little bro has a date?' Dean teased, 'geek boy's got a girl.'

'Shut up Dean.' Sam felt the heat radiating from his face as he started to blush furiously.

'So who is the girl? Do I know her? Details kiddo, details.'

'Monica Sue Harding, she's in my English class.' Sam said and kept his eyes fixed on the passing traffic, 'Dale's sister.'

Dale Harding was the closest to a friend Dean had in Southern Plains; they worked together at Mike's Mechanic Shop, where Dale was an apprentice mechanic when Dean got his part time job. With the same taste in classic cars, loud music and fast women, they hit it off immediately.

'Yeah, yeah I know Monica, way to go Sam.' Dean cheered when he saw the ghost of a smile grace his brother's lips. 'I ah talked to dad today.' He added as they pulled into the driveway of their small rented house.

'Yeah?' Sam blinked and turned to look at his brother, his large luminous eyes filled with dread, 'what did he have to say?'

'Well ahh it's like this,' Dean got out of the car and leant his arms on the roof so he could look directly at Sam, 'I told him you were made Valedictorian and that we were staying here until the ceremony.'

'What – what did he say?'

'He wasn't happy, but he ... he ah finally agreed.' Dean grimaced and silently hoped that Sam wouldn't ask for details of the deal Dean had to make with their father.

'We, we can stay?' Sam's face lit up with his dimpled smile, 'honest?'

'Yeah but the car has to be packed and as soon as the ceremony is done we're outta here.'

'That, that's fine ... wow I can't believe that dad ... hang on Dean what did you have to promise him?'

'Sam it's nothing come on dunno about you but I'm starving.'

'Dude you're always starving.'

S—D

Graduation Day: 2001

By the time, Dean found Sam his younger brother had managed to say his goodbyes and was ready to go. His face actually ached from smiling so much as the ceremony blurred through the time so quickly he barely had time to take a breath.

'Great speech Sammy.' Dean greeted his brother, 'it was ... from what I heard between naps.' He grinned and gave Sam a good-natured slap on the back, 'forgot how freaking boring these things are.'

'Well not my fault we're down the end of the alphabetical list.' Sam laughed but then he sobered and looked away, 'just wish...'

'Wish what Sammy?'

'I just wish that dad could have been here that's all.' Sam whispered, 'just to have him proud of me for something.'

'Sammy dad ...'

'I know so we're hitting the road or what?' Sam lifted his gaze and grinned at his brother, 'I'm ready if you are.'

'Totally.' Dean shook off the black feeling starting to encroach on him, 'let's ride.'

With the crowds at the ceremony, Dean had to park three blocks away not wanting to risk his baby getting a scratch on her from over-crowding in the school car park.

He looked at his brother and grinned happily, it was so good to see Sam smiling honestly smiling and holding his head high.

The blur of movement, caught the brothers unaware, one minute Sam was standing next to Dean chatting away happily while clutching his high school diploma, and other certificates in his right hand and then, a hard shove from behind had him lose his balance and topple forward into the path of an oncoming car.

In super-slow motion Dean watched as Sam collided with the car, bounced on the bonnet, smashed into the windscreen and then roll seemingly boneless onto the asphalt, his long limbs twisted awkwardly as he finally came to a stop, lying so still, blood pooled around his head like an unholy halo.

'Sammy!' Dean screamed his body moving without the consent of his mind, skidding to a stop he dropped to his knees by his brother's head, 'oh God Sammy.'

'I'm so sorry, he just fell ...' the distraught driver sobbed, 'I didn't have time to stop.'

'Someone call 911.' A voice pierced the fog as it filled Dean's mind and thoughts, he ignored all except for his baby brother lying broken on the road.

'I saw it all, he got pushed.' Someone else volunteered, 'I saw it all.'

'Yeah I saw it too someone shoved that kid onto the road.'

'He's not breathing.'

'Ambulance is on the way.'

'He's not breathing.'

'I didn't have time to stop.'

'I saw it all.'

'He's not breathing.'

The voices merged into a cacophony of noise, around Dean, his entire being focused on doing CPR on his brother, a nameless, faceless person alongside of him doing compressions while he did the breathes, breathing for his only sibling.

Sirens screeched adding to the building noise, police arrived and herded, corralled the onlookers away from the tragic scene. Voices dropped in volume as witnesses clamoured to give their statements to the police. 'Poor kid was waiting to cross the street.'

'Shove came from nowhere, just pushed him into the path of the car.'

'Happened so fast but definitely saw it all, pushed straight into the car.'

On, and on the same statement repeated, but it all merged into a constant white noise around Dean as he felt strong hands try to pull him away from Sam.

'No, no I'm staying with him.' Dean snarled, only agreeing to move to kneel by Sam's head, almost unconsciously he ran his fingers through Sam's blood-matted hair; 'I'm here Sammy, not going anywhere.' Became his mantra as he willed his brother to live.

'Sir we have to take him now.' One of the paramedics made Dean look up at him, 'you coming with us or following?'

'Coming, he can't wake up alone, he's my brother.' Dean wept as he hurried alongside the stretcher, 'he's my baby brother.'

The ambulance screeched tyres and seemingly 'flew' away from the scene as the crowds dispersed leaving only a few stragglers behind, the police and tow truck driver pulling the car onto the truck to be taken for examination. The driver now calmer after sedation sat in the back of a police cruiser waiting for her husband to arrive. A pool of blood marred the asphalt, a little further away lay a graduation certificate splattered with the graduate's blood.

S—D

A large man stormed into the foyer of the hospital and looked around wildly, scruffy was the only way to describe his appearance. He wore a black leather jacket, thick flannel shirt, and jeans that had seen better days. His heavy boots covered in thick mud and grime left a trail of dust in his wake. His deep dimples hidden by stubble more than four days old, the new beard peppered with grey though his hair still dark, was in desperate need of a cut and wash. Although, he looked and acted like a wild mountain man his eyes were startling, darkened with unshed emotion held an intensity that sent shivers down the spine of those who managed to meet his steely gaze. Imposing in height, build, and appearance John Winchester stood his ground and demanded attention without uttering a single word.

'I'm looking for my son.' John stated without preamble, glaring down at the young woman manning the reception.

'Ah w-what's his n-name?' She stammered slightly.

'Sam, Sam Win...'

'Dad over here.' Dean called out rescuing the receptionist from further scrutiny of the elder Winchester.

Turning John stopped and stared at his eldest son, he took in the gauntness of his face, the pallor of his complexion, the dark smudges under his eyes and the seemingly permanent worry lines around his eyes and mouth. The lack of brightness in those forest green eyes broke his toughened hunter's heart faster than anything has in a long time. 'Dean?' He choked out.

'Dad.' Dean felt himself wrapped into a strong embrace he knew so well, relishing the feel of solid muscle and fatherly love for an extra few seconds before he pulled away, 'Sammy's down here.' He said hoarsely, 'in ICU.'

'Dean, what – what happened?' John asked as he hesitated just outside his baby boy's hospital room.

'We were leaving the ceremony, waiting to cross ...parked down the road a bit coz traffic ... and then, and then, someone or something shoved Sammy straight into the path of an oncoming car. It happened so fast I couldn't ...' the words ran into each other as he got it all out in one breath. 'I couldn't save him dad.' He finished with a large sob, tears spilling over once again.

John took a deep breath and pushed the door open, but was still unprepared emotionally with the sight in front of him. 'Oh God.' He whispered, slowly he moved towards the bed, his breath hitching as his gaze travelled over the long body of Sam.

Thick white bandages shrouded Sam's head, his face virtually unrecognisable under the extensive bruising, both eyes swollen shut. A nasal cannula fed him much needed oxygen, his jaw looked almost deformed. A cervical collar kept his neck straight and head upright; his bare chest had electrodes placed where there was little or no bruising. A drainage tube protruded from the left side of his chest, two IV ports decorated the backs of his hands flooding his system with much needed fluids, pain relief, and antibiotics.

'Sammy?' John croaked as he toppled into the chair previously occupied by Dean, his knees failing to hold him upright.

'The doctor's ... the doctor's said that he has two skull fractures and swelling on the brain, his jaw was broken after impacting the bonnet and then the windscreen. Umm his left ... left lung collapsed and ahh he had a – a displaced disk in his neck.'

'Dean?' John returned his attention to his eldest, 'son?'

'It's my fault, it's all my fault.' Dean sobbed brokenly.

'No, no Dean don't you dare blame yourself.'

'If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have been here ...'

'Dean if anyone's to blame it's me.' John said softly, his gravely voice filled with pent-up emotion, 'I should have been here, I should have been here to go to his graduation, to protect ... both of you.'

'Dad you can't ...'

'Neither can you Dean.'

S—D

John watched his sons sleep, he later found out that Dean needed sedation and admitted for his own sake after suffering two massive panic attacks and dangerously high blood pressure.

His twenty-two year old son had dangerously high blood pressure, 'damn it Mary where did it get so stuffed up?' He mumbled as he pulled the blankets up over Dean's chest and ran a fingertip tenderly along Dean's forehead, 'I'm so sorry Dean.'

He then went to Sam's side and felt his heart break a little more, his precious baby was so broken, and he was helpless to do anything about it. 'I love you son, please, please come back to us.' He whispered as he leant over and brushed a kiss on Sam's forehead.

He sank down into the leather chair, scrubbed his hands over his face and settled back to watch over his children, absently he picked up Sam's backpack, deciding to see if there was something readable in it. His fingers brushed over a soft leather cover, intrigued John pulled it out and opened it. 'Journal of Sam Winchester.' Printed neatly on the first page, holding a breath he glanced up at Sam's still form and then back down at the book in his hands.

'I'm sorry Sammy.' He whispered as he opened the journal and settled back, he knew it was wrong to read his son's private thoughts but he so wanted to find an in, something, anything to give him an insight into the life of his estranged youngest son.

S—D

Extracts from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

Christmas Eve 1992

Dean tried but I knew dad wasn't gonna be here, not sure why but I just knew. Dean's such a jerk he gave me presents that were meant to be for girls. Jerk! He tried so hard but I had to tell him I read dad's journal. He actually told me what dad does. He said dad's a hero. He's a hero I guess but why isn't he here with me and Dean? Dean loved his necklace I gave him, I know uncle Bobby gave it to me so I could give it to dad but I think that Dean should have it, he's my hero.

March 18th 1993

Dean is a jerk! Dean wants to train more, coz I know what the family business is I gotta start training. Geeze who died and made him boss? All I want to do is my homework but no, the big jerk wants to fight. Now my knee looks like a baseball and I gotta play basketball at school tomorrow. No fair.

Dad says we have to leave next week, at least we are gonna go see Pastor Jim, it's cool there so maybe it won't be so bad. Pastor Jim is so easy to talk to, I can tell him anything and I don't feel like I disappoint him.

April 4th 1993

I hate Dad! How come we gotta move again, I just got used to the school and staying with Pastor Jim and now we have to move again. So not fair! I hate this, Dean's all yeah new hunt, so what. I just want to stay at the same school for more than a few weeks, how come dad never listens to me? He listens to Dean, but Dean's his favourite so I guess I don't count.

May 2nd 1993

I hate my life!!! It's my birthday, Dean's with his friends and dad's not here again. I guess I don't exist for them. Can people fade away if they get ignored?

Dean came home finally and gave me a card and present, not so bad he gave me the latest Spiderman comic which is pretty cool. I thought he forgot. Pastor Jim mailed me a card with $5.00 in it. WOW. Dean had it in his bag to give me.

Dad didn't call me, I guess he's busy being a hero.

May 3rd 1993

Dad came home as a surprise and took us out for pizza, wow he's not so bad I guess, just late … better than not at all. He gave me this super cool hunting knife now I have one just like Dean.

June 18th 1993

I broke my leg on my first hunt, my life sucks. Then Dean had to draw stuff on my cast, he is such a big jerk, my leg itches and hurts but gotta suck it up, don't want dad to think I'm a big baby. Dean said that I should be proud my first hunting injury. BIG JERK!!!

September 15th 1993

My new school is great, I met Sadie in history she's really nice and sat with me. Can't tell Dean coz he's so stupid about girls. Hope we can stay here for a while, I really like Sadie.

Christmas Day 1993

We're at Pastor Jim's for Christmas and dad is here too, this is so cool, he got me and Dean a present each and everything.

March 19th 1994

Dad hurt his leg really bad and the doctor said that they might have to cut it off, what will happen then? If dad can't hunt anymore?

March 22nd 1994

Dad's leg is gonna be okay, he's gonna be on crutches for eight weeks and it'll take a couple more months before he can do anything really hard so it looks like we'll be staying in Colby for a while. Dunno if it's gonna be that good though. Dad can get really cranky.

August 14th 1994

We're getting ready to move again, even after the doctor told dad he still needs at least 4 more weeks of therapy. Dean's not happy he's gotta say goodbye to Nancy.

October 30th 1994

Halloween Sucks big time!!!! I HATE HALLOWEEN, stupid holiday with stupid people in stupid costumes.

Christmas day 1994

Caleb and Josh came for Christmas and coz there's a hunt nearby here and dad needs the help. Stubborn, he says that his legs all better, crap. Dean's full of a cold and can't hunt and I have to look after the two of them. Now who's stupid???

February 14th 1995

Dean's in love, Hehehe, he tries to hide it from dad but he has a huge hickey on his neck. Donna Lee says that they're gonna get married. Ewww, she's got cross-eyes.

He got her chocolates for Valentines it's sooo gross.

S—D

John chuckled as he thought of that particular year, Dean's first steady girl-friend for more than two weeks, Donna Lee McDonald, and yes Sammy was right she was cross-eyed and all she did was talk of marrying Dean, planning the wedding and their life together. Sixteen year old Dean nearly had heart failure when she talked of babies and had him begging John to move on.

He glanced over at his eldest son who listened to his walkman and read a magazine on classic cars Josh brought him, oblivious to the scrutiny of his father's gaze. That was also the year Sam learnt to answer back, the beginning of his adolescence.

S—D

May 2nd 1995

It's my 12th birthday today, got an A on my English paper and Dean promised me that we'll get ice cream after school. Gonna be a good day. Just got home and dad rang me, he rang and wished me happy birthday!!! WOW he remembered.

September 22nd 1995

A kid killed himself at school today, he was in Dean's English class, and they said that he cut his wrists in the boys bathroom. Dean looks so strange and sad he didn't want me to tell dad but I did, dad's coming home, the hunt finished early he said but I think that he just wants to see Dean. I never seen Dean look so scared. He said he found Derrick. I don't wanna lose Dean so I don't care if he gets mad I told dad.

November 19th 1995

Thanksgiving is coming up, but dunno if we got much to say thanks for. We moved again, after Dean found his friend Derrick's body in the bathroom at school he got all weird and stuff, he came home drunk tonight, so dad's taking us to live with P. Jim for a while.

S—D

John put the book down and rubbed at his eyes, refusing to allow the tears fall; his gaze drifted to his unconscious son, a myriad of emotions played across the father's face. Over and over again he read how much his youngest son hated the hunts and constant moving, if only he could make him understand why it was so important.

A young nurse came in carrying a steaming cup of coffee and silently passed it to John before she took Sam's vitals, 'he's holding his own.' She said quietly, 'and his temperature is still relatively normal, that's good news.'

'Thanks nurse.'

'Sophia, my name's Sophia.' She said smiling sweetly, 'I'm the night nurse so if you need anything please don't hesitate in buzzing me.'

'Thanks Sophia and thanks for the coffee.'

'Thought you might need some by now.' She smiled as she finished checking the monitors, noting in Sam's chart the output of the drainage tubes and catheter before she moved to Dean to check his blood pressure, 'still too high.' She commented noting it, 'it has gone down a little but still too high.'

'He's a bad one for bottling things up.' John said with a sad smile, 'two brothers so different, Dean is stubborn and silent, Sam is stubborn but carries the world on his shoulders and very vocal.'

'Sounds like you got quite a pair.'

'Sure have.'

'Okay, I'll be back soon, but I'll just be out at the desk if you need a thing.' Sophia said as she made her way out of the room, her shoes silent on the polished floors, 'if you need another coffee or anything.'

Just want my son to wake up the thought ran through John's mind as he settled back down, sipped the coffee and re-opened Sam's journal. Not wanting to invade on his son's privacy anymore but needing to know what makes his son tick even more.

S—D

Extracts from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

January 1st 1996

New Years day and we're on the move again, dunno what happened but dad said we had to go right away. I think it had something to do with his 'working' last night.

January 24th 1996

Must suck being Dean! He got appendicitis and the school called an ambulance, he had to spend his birthday in hospital. We brought him ice cream but he's in a bad mood. He did like his present though, I gave him a new AC-DC t-shirt, coz I wrecked his other one, but this one is a special one the girl at the shop said, coz Bon Scott is still in the band in the picture.

July 4th 1996

We got to watch the fireworks afterall, I'm really tired coz we had to do the salt and burn first and then dad let Dean take me to the fireworks. Dad had a date with Jack and Jose Dean said.

October 30th 1996

Sorry I haven't written for a long time, dad has us training extra hard, says that we gotten soft lately coz a spirit tossed Dean into a tree and me into the side of a crypt.

Have I mentioned before how much I hate Halloween?

November 20th 1996

Wow this apartment isn't so bad, for our standards anyway. Dad got a job as a mechanic something about Dean's finishing high school properly. I just wonder how long it's gonna last, not like dad to put our schooling ahead of the hunt.

November 22nd 1996

I knew that dad was up to something, the freaking mechanics shop he's working at is supposed to be haunted. Knew it was too good to be true!!!

S—D

The screeching of alarms startled John enough to make him jump and drop the book, wiping at his eyes he watched as the nursing staff and doctors flooded into the room and surrounded Sam's bed. Picking up the journal and sliding it into his jacket pocket John went to sit on the edge of Dean's bed, and wait with his eldest, wait for his baby son to keep fighting and to start breathing on his own again.

He barely heard the doctors as they explained why Sam was going back into surgery, something to relieve the pressure on his heart from the build up of fluid in the sac surrounding it and to relieve pressure on his brain, the need for a shunt or some shit like that. Numbly he signed the paperwork giving his permission and watched as they wheeled Sam to the surgical suite.

An hour later, Dean had quietly cried himself to sleep, lying on his side facing the wall not wanting his father to see the tears, John slumped in the chair and tried to workout what went so wrong so fast.

S—D

Extracts from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

April 20th 1997

I really like my school, but I guess we'll have to leave soon. Mr Wyatt is so cool he gave me an A for my paper, even if he though it was fiction ... if only he knew.

Barry is a cool guy, wish he would stand up for himself though. Dean said that I gotta stand up to bullies, that I can take em. I know I can, but I am so tired of being the freak, the new kid, I just don't want to be noticed anymore. Geeze I wish I could grow some more, so embarrassing being such a shrimp. Dad says just give it time, that he didn't get really tall until he turned fifteen, yeah right, bet dad's always been tall just like Dean. Though he was really proud of my A from Mr Wyatt so that's something coz I mucked up big time with training, I know what I did wrong but it's so hard when Dean is so much taller.

So funny Dean's girlfriend wants him to meet her parents, dude he don't do parents! Such an idiot.

I hope my bruises are gone before dad comes home; I don't want him to find out about Dirk, I can take care of it myself. Tired of being treated like a baby, wish dad and Dean would let me do more but they keep saying that I'm too young. Yeah right.

At least I can research better than Dean, even dad says so I love reading all of that cool stuff, even if it gets boring. And dad said my Latin is getting so much better all the time maybe he'll let me help with an exorcism one day soon.

May 2nd 1997

I asked dad about mom, wow was that a mistake. I just want to know a little about her, do I look like her? Does Dean? How come they won't talk to me about mom?

May 2nd 1997

Dear Mom,

I know that you are watching me, and Dean. Sorry bout Dean he tries but sometimes he can be a real idiot. He looks after me really good mom so you don't have to worry bout that. Dad spends lots of time hunting monsters and away from us. Dean said that dad's a hero and he saves lots of lives. I wish I could have known you mom, I wish I could remember you, I miss you mommy.

I can't tell Dean or dad they wouldn't understand that I need to talk to you sometimes. At least they don't know bout this. Today is my birthday, dad is actually home tonight so he's taking us out for dinner and to the movies, I love it when he's around like this, makes it feel like we still a family. Sorry mom, I wish you were here with us, dad says it's not my fault what happened, but if it wasn't for me. I mean gee mom he was standing in my nursery while I was in the cot so he had to have wanted me and you got killed coz of me. I am so sorry mommy, I try to be a good son I really do. Anyway I had better go and get ready dad hates to wait.

I'll write to you again soon.

With all my love your son Sam.

TBC