Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Ordinary World belongs to Duran Duran. And thus I date myself...
NEW: As per FFnet regs, song has been removed.
WARNINGS: Deathfic.
It was pouring, the rain falling in heavy sheets, washing over buildings, flooding roads. Heero opened his front door with a feeling of relief. He took off his wet coat and stood in the darkened apartment for a moment, as if waiting for something. Then with a sigh, he went and turned on the lights and headed for the kitchen, turning on the radio and the TV on his way there. The apartment was flooded with light and noise.
He made himself some tea and went and sat in the window, watching the rainfall, thinking of another rainy day. A day that had changed his life forever, though he hadn't realized it at the time. He leaned his head against the cold glass and closed his eyes.
He could still see Duo, standing next to his car, the rain flattening that beautiful hair, the moisture on his face not entirely because of the rain. He could still hear Duo telling him that it wasn't working out. That they wanted different things.
It hadn't been true. All he had wanted was Duo. Why couldn't he have just said that? Why hadn't he just reached out and grabbed a hold of the thing he wanted the most?
Instead he had just watched the braided man get into his car and drive off, leaving Heero standing in the rain.
Heero closed his eyes, blocking out his reflection in the rain-streaked glass. He hadn't reached out. He had just stood there, wondering how things had gone so wrong in so short of a time. He hadn't even known something was wrong until Duo had told him that he was leaving. He still didn't know exactly what it was that had driven Duo off. He only knew that it was his own fault. It was his own fault that he was alone now trying to survive in a world he didn't really understand.
He opened his eyes and looked towards the TV. The local news station was on. The reporter was going on about another summit meeting, another peace negotiation. Pictures of Relena and Quatre, with Duo and Trowa lurking in the background flashed on the screen. Heero turned his head away again. They were out there fighting to maintain the peace, the peace that he had sold his soul for. Why was peace so hard? Why did it require so much?
He longed for the war days. Ironically, things had seemed so much simpler then, he had understood so much more then. But no one thought about the suffering that those who had fought for went through. They only cared for today.
Heero had turned his back on it all. When Duo had left him, Heero had left the Preventers, left the city, left his friends. Why even try? Why try when there was nothing left for him to try for? It was all meaningless. He had found this tiny place, found a dull job, but it didn't matter to him. Nothing did anymore. He was surviving, not living.
He wondered sometimes why he even bothered to keep living. Did he secretly hope that Duo would come back to him? He glanced at the TV again. Relena was giving a speech; Duo in his Preventers uniform was again lurking behind her. Duo wouldn't come back to him. Heero wasn't what he wanted.
Heero got to his feet and went and stood before the TV screen, listening to Relena talk about how the nations needed to focus on peace. That only by listening to each other could they forge a new world. Heero felt like laughing. Was the peace he had given his life for already dying? He reached down and shut the TV off with a decisive click. The radio was off a moment later.
He needed to learn to live without noise. He needed to regain the silence that his heart had held before.
In the silence it was too easy to imagine Duo's voice. Too easy to dream that the baka was just in another room. Heero stood in the silence. He had once treasured silence. In the quiet it was easy to think of himself as a Perfect Soldier. Easy to ignore the outside world. Easy to remain alone.
It wasn't easy anymore.
He couldn't live in a silent world now. It simply reminded him of what he had lost. He couldn't survive in this new world. Not alone.
He spun on his heel and went to his computer. It was the matter of a few keystrokes to send an email to Wufei. Easy enough to tell him what he wanted done. Ask him to help an old friend this one last time.
Then it was just a matter of retrieving his gun from its hiding place. He had left it in a locked box in the back of the closet. It took a few minutes to remember where he had left the key. He pulled the gun out, along with one of the remaining clips and stood up. The bathroom would be the best place for it. Less mess for the landlord.
As he stood in front of the mirror, gazing at his reflection, the gun against his temple, he wondered if even this would make the silence go away or if he was just exchanging one dull existence for another.
Oh Duo...
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Wufei stared at his computer. He'd been on a mission for three days. Heero's email had been sent two days ago.
Gods of my ancestors...
He picked up the phone blindly punching the numbers in that Heero had given him, waiting for a reply on the other end.
A machine picked up, and Wufei left a terse message before slamming the phone down. Heero's landlord had not picked up. He only had that phone number, not Heero's nor did he have any real clue of where Heero had vanished to. He could take the number and use it to search out an address, be able at least to call the local police. He looked at the message on his computer screen again. Heero's suicide note. His request that Fei call his landlord so that his body would be discovered since no one else would miss him.
"We missed you my friend," Wufei said softly to the screen. "We'll miss you more now. And he'll miss you the most." He looked at the phone again.
He picked up the phone to call Duo- then hesitated. No, one other call first. Then Duo.
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Duo stared out the window, watching the rain fall in sheets. The stereo was playing softly in the background as he sat quietly. He never felt much like talking anymore. He didn't have anyone to talk to.
Heero had never talked much. Duo had often nagged him about it, tried to get his quiet lover to talk to him. It had frustrated Duo at the time. It hadn't been until later that he realized Heero had been saying many things to him but he just hadn't been listening. Hadn't realized that Heero getting up early to make Duo breakfast, braiding Duo's hair for him, holding him tight in bed were some of the ways that Heero told Duo how he felt. Duo realized many things after his ex-lover disappeared.
He never should've left Heero. If only Heero hadn't taken off like that! Duo had realized his mistake only a month later, but by then, Heero was gone. Duo had been looking for him for months since with no luck.
His phone rang, making him jump.
"Duo?"
"Fei?" The other man sounded- broken. Fei never sounded like that. What was going on? "Fei- what is it?"
"It's Heero." Duo's heart skipped a beat. Had Heero come back finally? But Fei did not sound like he was calling to say that Heero had come back.
"What about Heero?" He asked anxiously.
"He's dead."
Duo stared at the blank wall in front of him. No. No. There had to be some mistake. He misheard... No.
"Duo? Did you hear me? Heero's dead." Why did Fei keep saying it? Heero couldn't be dead!
"No..." He protested, closing his eyes. "No."
"Duo, I'm so sorry. But Heero is dead."
"No." Duo managed. "Nothing could kill Heero..."
"He could." Fei replied gently. "He shot himself. He sent me an email- told me he was going to kill himself and asked me to inform his landlord. I tried to call but there was no answer. Heero sent the email two days ago- I was on a case, if I'd only been home..." Fei was still talking, but Duo had stopped listening.
Heero killed himself? Duo found that he had to sit down. He dropped to the floor next to the table. Why would Heero kill himself?
"WHY? Did he say why?" Duo asked, cutting Wufei off.
"He said he couldn't live in a silent world. He was tired of being alone." Fei answered, knowing he couldn't lie to Duo, knowing how those words would hurt. There was a small sound on the other end of the line. "I called Quatre. He's coming to see you."
"I don't want him here."
"You need him there. Duo- this wasn't your fault."
"If I had stayed with him do you think he'd be dead now?" Duo snapped. "This is my fault Fei! My own stupid fucking fault!" His voice cracked a bit on the last words. He fought for control.
"Duo- he wasn't what you wanted- how many times did you tell me that?" Wufei tried and Duo snarled at him.
"But I needed him Fei. No, he wasn't what I wanted. I wanted someone who could tell me how they felt, someone who'd laugh with me. That's what I thought I wanted. Heero wasn't what I wanted- he was what I needed!" The anger left Duo's voice. "After he left I realized that I'd fucked up and now he's dead and it's my fault." The despair was evident in his tone.
Duo's doorbell rang.
"That's Quatre," Wufei's voice was gentle. "Go answer the door Duo."
Duo got to his feet and put the phone down on the table. He didn't want Quatre there. He wanted to be alone. Heero had been alone, that's why he killed himself. And it had been Duo's fault.
The doorbell rang again.
Duo opened the door, ready to send Quatre on his way. By force if necessary.
Heero stood on the other side.
Duo looked at him, his heart beating hard in his chest, making him dizzy. Heero was dead. Why was he here? He looked at the other man carefully. Heero looked tired, dark rings under his eyes, his hair messier than usual. Could ghosts look tired? Maybe Duo was going crazy. He'd almost welcome it at this point.
"I know you don't want to see me," Heero's voice was soft as he looked into Duo's shocked face. "But I had some things to tell you before I left."
Before he left?
Duo reached out and grabbed Heero's sleeve. His fingers didn't go through the fabric- Heero felt real. Maybe Wufei had been mistaken? He pulled Heero into the apartment, shutting the door firmly behind him.
"Heero-" Duo took a breath, tried to steady himself. "Are you really here?"
"Yes, of course," Heero's eyes narrowed in concern at the other man's obvious shakiness. "Are you all right, Duo? I didn't mean to bother you..."
"It's no bother!" Duo took a firmer grip of Heero's sleeve. "I've been wanting to see you."
"You- have..?" Heero lost his concerned expression, now he looked faintly hopeful.
Before Duo could reply an odd noise made them both jump. Duo turned to look at the phone.
"Ah, Fei..." Duo didn't let go of Heero's sleeve, simply pulled him farther into the house until Duo could reach the phone with his other hand.
"DUO!" Wufei was yelling into the receiver.
"I gotta go Chang. Heero came to see me." Duo said into the mouthpiece.
"What are you saying?" Fei took in a deep breath. Had Duo snapped? He'd only heard the ring of the doorbell and sound of Duo's voice. No one elses. "He can't be there..." But then- who rang the bell?
"He is. Call Quatre and tell him to wait, okay?" Duo hung up the phone and looked at the young man that he still held firmly by the sleeve. "Come sit down- please?"
A moment later, they were on the couch and Duo still hadn't let go. Heero looked down at the hand on his sleeve. "Why are you still holding on?"
"So you won't leave." Duo didn't move his hand. "I've been looking for you Heero."
Surprise flickered to life on Heero's face. "You- have? But why?"
"I missed you." Duo's fingers wrapped themselves around Heero's wrist. "I missed you so very much."
"But why? You told me that I wasn't what you wanted, that we wouldn't work..."
"I was an idiot." Duo said fiercely. "What I thought I wanted and what I really needed weren't the same. I thought I wanted someone who told me that they loved me all the time. I thought I wanted someone more like me. But I needed you. I knew that I had made a horrible mistake a month after I left you. But you had vanished. Where have you been Heero?"
Heero's arm turned in Duo's grasp, sliding out so that his fingers could intertwine with Duo's. "Hell," he replied, voice soft. "I've been in hell without you. That's what I came to tell you. I came to ask you... to tell you...I couldn't live in it anymore..." Heero was stumbling over the words.
"So don't. Stay with me." Duo pleaded. "Or I'll come and stay with you."
"I'd rather stay here with you." Heero reached out and traced the line of Duo's cheek. "I don't want to take you to hell with me."
"I'd go there if I could stay with you." Duo moved closer, pulling the other man into his arms. "I will always stay with you."
Quatre cursed as he pounded up the stairs. Wufei had called him on his cell phone and told him that Duo had said that Heero had come to visit.
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Quatre didn't know what to think. Maybe Duo had gone mad. Maybe not. They had still not gotten a hold of Heero's landlord, though Wufei had managed to use the number to get an address. But the landlord might live in a different place, or might be on vacation and it would take forever to knock on doors...
Heero's note had sounded final. Wufei had read it to Quatre in a shaky voice and even to the optimistic blond it had sounded like Heero had made up his mind.
Quatre cursed again. Why did Duo have to live in a building with no elevator? Why had his tire gotten a flat? Why in the name of Allah hadn't Fei waited until Quatre was there to give Duo this news? Idiot!
He reached Duo's door finally and rang the doorbell.
No answer. He could hear the stereo playing in the background.
He rang the bell again. Several times.
No answer.
Fear for Duo rose up in his chest.
He raised his fist and pounded on the door. "DUO! DAMN IT! ANSWER THE DOOR!"
No answer.
Quatre took a deep breath and calmed himself. Fear would not get him through this. He reached for his wallet and whipped out a credit card. He wiggled it in the doorjamb, twisting the handle at the same time, trying to jimmy the door open.
It never would've worked in a newer building, but Duo preferred older places to live.
The door opened and Quatre rushed into the apartment.
Duo was curled up on the sofa. Quatre approached his friend cautiously. Duo didn't stir.
Quatre reached down and touched Duo's cheek. It was cool to the touch. Duo's lips were curled in a smile.
Quatre's phone rang. He answered it automatically, his mind still reeling from the vision in front of him.
"Quat it's me. We got a hold of Heero's landlord. He found the body." Trowa's voice was anguished. "How's Duo?"
"He's with Heero," Quatre told his lover, closing his eyes.
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I wrote two endings for this fic. There is a 'happier' ending (IE, they're alive!) on my LJ. Check it out if you want to see it.