I was standing at the entrance to the Ebon Hawk. The ship that served us all so well during the quest for the Star Forge. I even started to see it as being my home, sort of.
Before I found out that I was really Revan, I could imagine a future for myself after the Star Forge had been found. Carth had promised that he would protect me if he was still alive after he had killed Saul.
I can remember them all. I don't believe people when they say that if you haven't seen your friends for a long time, you forget what they look like. I haven't forgotten. If I close my eyes, I can picture their faces in vivid details. And then I have to fight to keep from breaking down into tears.
I stepped onto the ship, and made my way slowly to where Mission used to stay, and then stood there, thinking back to the first time I had met the twi'lek girl.
She had wanted me to help find her wookie friend, Zaalbar. I had needed to break into the black vulkar base and steal this prototype swoop bike to win the swoop bike race and rescue Bastila. It was an arrangement that would have worked out pretty well for both of us.
Except that Zaalbar swore a life debt to me because I saved him. That had been unexpected. But it hadn't exactly been unwelcome, either. After all, when you're moving around a lot on hostile planets, it does help to have a large, intimdating wookie with you.
I talked to Mission a lot. Sure, she might have been quite a bit younger than me - only a teenager - but she was still fun. I remember on Tatooine when she and Bastila were talking, and Bastila tripped Mission. It was hard for me to keep from laughing at that point.
Of course, I don't laugh anymore... I don't deserve any form of happiness. Not after everything I've done. I don't think that redemption is possible at all.
I keep on remembering Mission's face when I forced Zaalbar to kill her. She looked so... betrayed.
I'm not surprised that Zaalbar tried to attack me soon after when we were on the star Forge. Heck, in his position, I'd try to kill the person who made me kill my best friend.
I just can't believe I fell so far. After all, I saw what the dark side did to Juhani, for example. But I guess that the lure of the dark side can prove to be too much for anyone to handle.
I feel so guilty. I just really wish that there was a way to redeem myself. To make up for everything I've done.
I still have frequent nightmares, though not every night, thank goodness. They're a mix of memories and fears. I don't remember all of them... But I always wake up soaked with sweat and with my heart pounding.
Mostly, I end up dreaming about Carth. I guess that that's not really very surprising. I was sort of in love with him. Even though I killed him.
I guess that that's the biggest thing I feel guilty for. In fact, guilty isn't even the right word. I can't actually think of the right word, though.
I mean, when I joined Bastila, Carth just ran off. Sure, he said that he would save me. But I figured that he was just using that as an excuse. I never dreamed he'd show up later and try to get me to turn back.
I guess Bastila and I both underestimated him. Underestimated his resourcefulness and resolve.
Sometimes I wonder. Back on the Endar Spire, when this whole thing began, if I could have looked into the future and seen everything that would happen... Would I have just let myself die there and then on that ship? It would have saved so many people's lives. And I never would have betrayed Carth.
I heard footsteps behind me, and, without turning round, knew it was Bastila. The bond between us has grown so strong that we both know when the other is near. If I concentrate, I can usually tell exactly what Bastila's doing at any given moment.
"You know, it's no use to dwell on the past," Bastila's voice said quietly. "What's done is done. You cannot change what has happened even though you may want to."
"It's just not fair," I replied in a soft tone, so much different to how I used to speak. "So many people are dead... And it's all my fault."
"So it may be," Bastila agreed. She would not downplay my feelings by saying that it wasn't my fault. Both of us knew the truth. "But their deaths were not in vain," she added.
"No?" I responded bitterly. "Oh, yes. I know. They were all heroes. They all have huge memorials set up for them. Well, I don't care! I'd much rather them be alive and unknown than dead and famous!" Tears began filling my eyes, and I angrily dashed them away, still not looking at Bastila. Not that it mattered. I'd broken down in tears in front of her enough times already.
"I know how you feel," Bastila replied in a small, choked-sounding voice. "I was right there with you, remember? I killed just as many people as you did."
"Why couldn't someone have tried to stop me?" I whimpered.
"They did," Bastila answered. "Remember? Jolee, Juhani, and, to a lesser extent, Carth. They all tried."
I stared up at the ceiling of the Ebon Hawk, feeling drained. "I remember," I whispered sadly.
"Revan, you're not thinking about taking your own life, are you?" Bastila asked. She was clearly becoming alarmed. She must have picked up something of the direction of my thoughts.
"No," I sighed. "Killing myself is the coward's way out. I just wish that I'd never even heard of the jedi or the sith."
Bastila came forward to lightly touch my shoulder. "That's not possible," she told me. "But you can help by doing your best to make amends for the suffering you caused to others." With those words, she turned to leave.
"Bastila?"
She turned back. "Yes?"
"Do you sometimes wish that we'd never heard of anything to do with the Star Forge? That we were still on the Endar Spire, or even the Ebon Hawk, just travelling to different worlds?"
"All the time, Revan. All the time." And then she was gone.
Tears filled my eyes again, and I didn't bother to dash them away. "I'm sorry," I sobbed to the waiting ghosts. "I'm so sorry. I swear that until I join you, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for what I did." And then I, too, left, leaving my feelings of guilt and horror behind.