"- you're the only one for me."
Hearing those words as Luke clasped his hands; Noah could not help but smile. Before he could reciprocate his feelings, Luke was talking again. "And I really believed in that, Noah."
Looks like he has more to say, Noah thought. Well, there's no harm in listening and letting him get it off his chest.
Luke took a deep breath before getting his words out.
"But things have changed recently. Especially for me."
The echo of his own words rang in Luke's ears. He couldn't forget how nervous, afraid and sad he felt to say out those words to the man he had loved. It was painful. And right now, he really wanted to find a corner and cry his lungs out.
"What do you mean, Luke?" Noah asked as he tightened his hold on Luke's hand. He did not like where this conversation seem to be heading towards.
Luke took another deep breath, willing his now rapidly beating heart to slow down. To say this out was so much harder than thinking about it, he thought.
"What I mean is that we're been fighting. A lot. For the past few months. And, with this thing we have here, I don't know where it's going, how long it's going to last."
"But I thought this was what you wanted? For us to be together. And I know I made a mistake and hurt you by pushing you away. But we're together now. That's what matters, right?"
"Yes- I mean, no. I mean yes, this was what I wanted. But right now, I'm not so sure if it's what I still want.
"I don't understand. You're not making any sense, Luke."
"I wish there's an easier way to explain this but I can't," Luke said gently. "I just know that I can't always wait around for you anymore. I need, want someone who wants to be with me and not always make me feel so scared that he's gonna leave me."
"But I'm not gonna leave you! I told you, I'd still like for you to be by my side. You're the one I'd like to be with. And I promise that I'm not gonna leave you."
"You may say that now but what will happen in the future? I can't keep fighting for you, for our relationship. Frankly, I'm getting so, so tired of it."
"You aren't the only one fighting for our relationship, you know," Noah gritted out.
Luke sighed, "I know." This was proving to be more difficult than he anticipated. He hadn't even reached what he really wanted to say but he was feeling ready to give up and just tell Noah he had been joking. He felt suffocated. There was so much he was feeling. Frustration at his disability to explain things clearly to Noah. Irritation at Noah for his continuous interruption at what he wanted to say and not trying to understand where he was coming from. Sadness that he was going to end what had been a long history of a beautiful love and relationship.
However, he knew he had to do this. For Noah.
For himself.
For Reid.
"If he doesn't make it through this then I just- …"
"… what?"
"I can't …" Luke stumbled over the words he wanted to get out.
"You can't what?"
Reid pressed gently, "You can't what, Luke?"
Luke. He wanted to drown in the voice that was saying his name. But he can't. He had meant it when he said he can't. He shouldn't. Not when Noah's lying in a coma. It would be wrong. Selfish.
As Reid's face drew closer, Luke let out a shivery breath. He wanted, needed to feel his lips badly. To close the gap between them would be so easy.
No, don't. You can't.
Less than a step away and it would be a done deal.
You shouldn't. You have to think about-
Screw it.
And he crashed his lips into Reid's.
Kissing with Reid was more than what Luke had imagined.
Intense. Unfamiliar. Yet, oh so right.
Most of all, freedom.
No holding back.
Free.
Just giving in.
Free.
Letting it all out.
Free at last.
Luke did not know whether to cry or laugh at the joy of letting himself just go as he continued kissing Reid deeply. It was as if a weight's been lifted off. He did not imagine that it would feel so great to let himself indulge in an overwhelming passion he had always dreamt of but had kept it caged inside of him, because Noah wasn't entirely comfortable with it. Noah.
No -ah who?
Noah.
Noah. Crap. Noah!
Luke pulled away from Reid. He couldn't do this. Not now. It wouldn't be fair. Not to any of them, including Reid. He had to be there for Noah. That was his priority, he explained to Reid. Reid would not hear of it. With things unresolved between them, Luke left Reid's house. He had to. He needed to get away.
To think things through. To make a decision. And hope hard that it was the right one.
And that's how Luke found himself sitting in front of Noah, who had woken up a few days ago, eyesight recovering gradually; who he'd loved for a long time, shared many first things with; and trying to break the news of the decision he had come to for himself.
Luke knew it was going to hurt. Not just himself, but Noah as well. He was going to feel like crying. He was about to let go of something, someone important and one that he had loved deeply for a long time. He remembered crying long and hard after making his decision. He remembered the song he was playing in his Ipod as he cried himself to sleep a few nights before and the nights after, before today.
"I guess it's gonna hurt. I guess I'm gonna have to cry. And let go of some things I love to get to the other side. I guess it's gonna break me down. Like falling when you're trying to fly. Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
She's right, Luke had thought. Although it didn't make it easier or lessen the pain and sadness that he was feeling inside.
"Time, time heals all wounds, the wounds that you feel, somehow, right now …"
But he knew that with time, the sadness would leave him. With time, the pain would subsidise. And, with time, everything was going to be okay. He was going to be okay.
"Noah?"
"What?" Noah answered and Luke winced at the coldness in his tone.
"Noah, just hear me out? Please?"
Noah gave a silent nod, allowing Luke to go on.
"What we had; it was special and amazing. It truly was. But we haven't been happy for a while. We made lots of mistakes. We both have. And learnt from them. Including myself. I can't go back to the way things were before you got into the incident. I-"
"I can't either. But that doesn't mean we can't get back-"
Luke raised his hands to stop Noah, "Let me finish. Please."
Noah kept quiet, indicating the green light to finish what he wanted to say.
"I want to move on. I need to move on. I'll always love you, Noah. You were my first love and practically family to me. I won't ever stop loving you. But I can't be in a relationship with you anymore. I know that we can be in a relationship again but the truth is I don't think I want to. Some time ago, maybe I would've been more than happy to but right now, that's not what I want. That's why I want to move on, let things just fall into place and see where they lead me to. And I want you to do the same. Even if we're not lovers anymore, we can always be friends. And who knows? Maybe in time you'll find someone you love more than me or maybe I find one as well?"
"You say it like you don't consider the possibility of us getting back together even if we decided to 'move on'. I never stopped loving you. I can never think of loving anyone else but you. How can you even consider that there could be someone else when you said you love me? Unless-"
"Unless?"
"Unless there's someone else. There is, isn't it? Who is it?"
Luke gulped. He was afraid that the conversation would lead to this. Evidently, the conversation was not turning out to be as pleasant and peaceful as he thought it to be, so there was no point denying it.
"There … is, might be … someone." Luke answered tentatively. "But it's not clear yet."
Noah said silently, "How could you? How could you betray me?"
Luke recognized that tone of voice. That was how Noah sounded like when he was trying to control his anger and not lash out. He had to tread carefully now.
"Noah, we'd broken up. You said it was okay to move on. And I wasn't looking forward to doing that at first but then things changed. It's unfair to you or him or even me if I don't settle things properly before doing anything."
"Things like me? So that you can run to him?"
"Noah, please understand-"
"Get out."
"Noah-"
"Get out. Before I call the nurses. Get out."
Luke pinched the bridge of his nose. He had no choice to leave. He walked to the door and opened it. Before walking out, he turned back to Noah with his eyes glazed and said, "I'll leave. But I hope you'll come to understand and accept it. When you're ready to accept and talk to me again, you know where to find me."
He paused for a few seconds before softly saying, "I wish you well, Noah."
And walked out of the door, with his back to his once lover.
Luke closed the door silently and stood outside to collect his thoughts. He had tried but failed. But at least he had come clean and tried to get Noah to understand. Right now, he could only give Noah space and time to process his words and come to terms with them himself. He hoped Noah would come to accept his decision. And before he actually did that, he would stay clear of him even if he did not want to do it that way.
Luke let out a breath he had been holding unconsciously and let his shoulders fall, loosening up the tension that had accumulated there earlier. It had been one long and emotionally draining talk.
"And I take, the first step of a million more. And I'll make mistakes I've never made before."
Someone was singing. Luke chuckled miserably to himself. It was ironic, hearing song lyrics that mirrored the position he was now in; one that he had put himself into and not sure if he could manage to get out of.
Luke was afraid. If he allowed himself to be more honest, he was fucking scared. He had just chosen the unknown, instead of falling back into his safe and familiar zone. He did not know if this had been the right decision to make. It could be a huge mistake in the end. And it would be a mistake he had never made before and had no idea how to solve it.
But at least he would be moving forward and not staying at the same spot, waiting for someone he loved to decide what he really wanted and stay with him and be with him for the long haul. And, there was also Reid. He didn't know what his feelings for the doctor were, but he was willing to try to find out.
Luke took one last glance at his first lover, who was still seated on his bed with his face solemn and hardened and had not moved from that spot at all. It was saddening to see him like that and it hurt even more to know that the one responsible for making him felt that way was him. Taking a deep breath in, Luke straightened his body and tried to stand tall; swallowing the sobs he wanted to let out.
This was it.
Closure. Finality. Change.
"But at least I'm moving forward, at least I'm moving forward. At least I'm moving forward..."
It's time for me to move on. Goodbye, Noah, he thought.
And took the first step of a million more.