Seinfeld
Episode 181
The Doc With No Name
Written By David Adler
GEORGE
Let me ask you something.
JERRY
Go ahead.
GEORGE
What exactly is bologna? (Pronounced Ba-lone-E)
JERRY
I don't really know. I'll tell you something though; that lunchmeat scene is a wild place. All kinds of meats coming together, trying new things. Salami's with Pastrami, Chicken's with Corned Beef. The deli's like a swingers club for cold cuts. It kind of freaks me out.
GEORGE
Isn't there a place called Bologna?
JERRY
Yeah. Next to, uh, Turkey.
GEORGE
And they pronounce it Bologna?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
So what's the difference?
JERRY
I think it's the ham.
GEORGE
Why do things have to be so complicated? Why can't they just come right out and tell you what you're eating?
JERRY
(Blows his nose and throws away the Kleenex)
GEORGE
What are you doing?
JERRY
What? I'm blowing my nose.
GEORGE
So what, one blow and that's it? Garbage. Don't you have pockets?
JERRY
Why do I even talk to you?
GEORGE
So what are you doing this weekend?
JERRY
I've got Gorman's wedding. Aren't you invited?
GEORGE
Yeah. I don't know if I'm gonna go though.
JERRY
You've got to go. You're my man there. I don't know any of those people. What am I going to do the whole time? Who am I going to talk to?
GEORGE
You'll circulate.
JERRY
Oh, I can't circulate. I'm no good at circulating. It's the small-talk, I just never mastered it. I mean I know sports, but that's about it. If the conversation isn't about how the Mets played, I'm done!
GEORGE
It's tough to feign interest. You've got to be really focussed on not listening to what the other person is saying. It requires a tremendous amount of concentration. Almost as much as actually having an adult conversation.
JERRY
Yeah, but you do it.
GEORGE
Hey, I feign with the best of them. But it took years of hard work and bad manners.
JERRY
Well you've got to go.
GEORGE
You know, I really hate going places. I realized that today. Seeing all those people I know. That really doesn't interest me. I don't want to talk to them. Why do they want to talk to me?
JERRY
Desperation.
GEORGE
Everyone always wants to know what you do. "So, what do you do?" I DO. That's what I do. Wait a second! You've got Kramer. Kramer's going to be there! There's your man. Kramer.
JERRY
I don't know. Kramer at parties is like a different person. He's chatting it up with everyone. He's like a dilettante.
GEORGE
You know... I'm taking my... mother?
JERRY
Your mother? Why?
GEORGE
My father hurt his back salsa dancing. He can't get out of bed. My parents are good friends with the Gormans. They bowl together.
JERRY
So what are you going to do?
GEORGE
I guess I'll go.
JERRY
Thank you. I owe you one.
GEORGE
Alright. But I'm collecting this time. It's not like that funeral you dragged me to. It rained the whole time. My socks got wet. It ruined my whole day.
So you never answered me, what are you doing this weekend?
JERRY
I told you...
GEORGE
Besides the wedding.
JERRY
I don't know. I think I'm going to go and buy some new shoes.
GEORGE
Why, your old ones broke?
JERRY
I don't think they have any moving parts.
GEORGE
So what am I supposed to say? Did they rip?
JERRY
Do they have to be absolutely in tatters before I can buy a new pair?
GEORGE
Jerry, I've had these shoes for the past 20 years. You've got to be loyal. You find something, and stick with it.
JERRY
Really. How has that worked out for you?
Kramer Enters
KRAMER
Jerry, where do you keep your whistles?
JERRY
In the fridge. Next to the milk.
KRAMER
In the fridge?
GEORGE
What do you need a whistle for?
KRAMER
I'm coaching Mickey's basketball team. You know our first game is today.
Mickey? The little guy?
JERRY
Little guy? Aren't you supposed to call them midgets?
GEORGE
So what's a dwarf?JERRY
To tell you the truth, I'm not really an expert on the subject.
KRAMER
Jerry, there aren't any whistles in here.
JERRY
Really, I just picked up a case last week.
KRAMER
Alright, I've got to get going. You don't have any shorts do you?
JERRY
Not for you.
KRAMER
OK. But I'm taking the milk.
Kramer Exits
GEORGE
I thought the whole point of the game was to get as close to the basket as possible.
JERRY
Well what do you want them to do, wear stilts?
GEORGE
Hey, I'm just saying.
JERRY
Shouldn't you be at work?
GEORGE
I called in sick this morning. I said I had the measles.
JERRY
Measles? Couldn't you think of anything better than that?
GEORGE
No, Jerry. The measles are perfect. I go in Monday and, hey, it was just a rash.
JERRY
How do you still have a job?
GEORGE
I know where to draw the line. I can go right up to that thing, put one foot over, and drag myself back. I'm like a tightrope walker.
JERRY
A tightrope walker? You're just a liar. How much of what you say over the course of any given day is made up?
GEORGE
Whatever I think I can get away with.
JERRY
Aren't you afraid that someone's going to find out?
GEORGE
Look at me. My fiance died licking poison envelopes. Do your worst.
JERRY
Alright, I'm just saying.
GEORGE
You don't think I can go a day
without lying? You don't think I can, do you?
JERRY
You're lying right now, aren't you?
GEORGE
No. Alright! What good is truth? What has the truth ever accomplished? Wars are fought over the truth.
JERRY
Well, you don't have to lie about everything.
GEORGE
You want me to start telling the truth, Jerry? Cause I'll start telling the truth.
JERRY
Well, I don't know if I want.
GEORGE
OK! OK! So you're betting me that I can't go a day without lying?
JERRY
Didn't I see this in a movie?
GEORGE
You're not betting me that I can't go a day without lying! You're not betting me that? Cause I'll do it Jerry. I'll tell the truth. Oh, that's it, the bet is on.
JERRY
Did I miss something. Where are you going?
GEORGE
To the washroom. I had three oranges for breakfast. Are you happy?
JERRY
Yes. I am.
GEORGE
Oh!
Elaine Enters
JERRY
Hey! How about a knock?
ELAINE
Really? Are you serious?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
Hey, is my date here yet?
JERRY
You're bringing your dates here now. What is it, the new menus?
ELAINE
We're just meeting, then we're going to the opera.
JERRY
Oh, the opera. I didn't know they had matinees.
ELAINE
Well they do. And I'm going.
George Returns
JERRY
So who is bachelor 24601?
ELAINE
I met him at the grocery store. In the produce section.
JERRY
Ah, the produce section. The erogenous zone of the supermarket.
ELAINE
He was checking out the cantaloupes. I helped him pick a good one.
JERRY
What, did you knock on it?
GEORGE
Knock on it? You're supposed to roll it. If it goes left, it's good.
JERRY
Right. That's what you want to be doing, putting the fruit on the floor.
ELAINE
Anyway, he's a doctor.
JERRY
Oh, a doctor. Congratulations.
GEORGE
He's not a podiatrist is he? You know, I got in to podiatry school.
ELAINE
No, he's a neurosurgeon.
JERRY
You mean he's a brain surgeon?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Do you know what this means?
ELAINE
No, what?
JERRY
He's a brain surgeon. You know when
people say, "oh, you don't have to be a brain surgeon," he can tell them he is.
GEORGE
It's like going to Harvard.
JERRY
Exactly. Or being a rocket scientist.
ELAINE
Well, that doesn't matter to me. I'm not superficial.
Buzzer Sounds
THE DR
Hi, it's Dr. Watson.
JERRY
Come on up. (To Elaine) Dr. Watson!
ELAINE
Yeah, just like Sherlock Holmes.
JERRY
Watson AND a brain surgeon. Well it's elementary Elaine my dear, you might have hit the jackpot.
GEORGE
Hey, how do you pick a good bottle of wine? I was never good at these kind of things.
JERRY
I think you just look for the most expensive one.
ELAINE
No, no. You've got to look at the year. 1996. That's a good year.
JERRY
Didn't you get your tonsils out in 1996?
Doctor Enters
THE DR
Hello.
ELAINE
Jerry, this is Michael. The brain surgeon.
JERRY
Hi. Hey, Mike, let me ask you something; how do you pick a good bottle of wine?
THE DR
Doctor.
JERRY
Sorry?
THE DR
It's Doctor. You said "Mike."
JERRY
Well isn't that your name?
THE DR
Yes. But I did graduate from medical school.
JERRY
So everyone calls you doctor?
THE DR
Everyone calls me doctor.
JERRY
What about your parents?
THE DR
They call me doctor.
JERRY
Your parents call you doctor?
THE DR
That's right.
GEORGE
I just remembered I've got to go. I'm having my tires rotated. They really hate it when you're late.
George Exits
JERRY
Well, sorry I guess. So Elaine tells me you're a brain surgeon.
THE DR
Yes I am.
JERRY
And you went to Harvard?
THE DR
Yes I did. Great school. Lots of ivy.
JERRY
Do you find that people expect more from you since you went to Harvard? I mean, if you're in the room and Jeopardy comes on, do they expect you to win?
Elaine I think we should go. We're going to miss the curtain.
JERRY
Oh, you don't want to miss the curtain. All that velvet.
THE DR
(Doesn't say goodbye, but looks at Jerry)
SCENE 2- ON THE STREET
GEORGE
So he gave you the brush-off?
JERRY
The old cold shoulder. No hello OR goodbye!
GEORGE
Doctor! Who does he think he is? I hate doctors. Alright, you're a doctor. So what? People with titles really bother me. When did we start calling people by their profession? Hey, there's garbageman Joe. Hey, look. It's butcher Andy. Hello butcher. Lovely weather we're getting.
JERRY
He kept on giving me one word answers to everything I said. It was really annoying.
GEORGE
Well he's a doctor. They've got to get to the point. You don't want the whole story, to be in that little room all day. Positive or negative, that's their focus.
JERRY
Well I'll tell you one thing. I will never call that guy doctor.
GEORGE
Hey, I didn't even say hello to him.
JERRY
I noticed that. What's going on?
GEORGE
It's a new thing. No respect for anyone. If I don't like it, I'm not doing it.
JERRY
Really? Well you don't respect yourself, why anyone else?
GEORGE
For my whole life I've wanted to flaunt social customs. Yesterday I realized, why not?
JERRY
So Blondin, you're off the tightrope.
GEORGE
For now. I don't want to make any commitments. I can see this whole thing backfiring.
JERRY
Well, flaunt away. So where are we going?
GEORGE
I've got to buy shampoo.
JERRY
You've got to buy shampoo?
GEORGE
Yeah!
JERRY
What do you go through, a bottle a decade?
GEORGE
Hey, I've got hair.
JERRY
You know they sell shampoo in the city? You didn't have to make me drive you all the way out to Queens.
GEORGE
This is the only place that sells the kind I like. It has vitamins and minerals... or something.
JERRY
Your hair is quite satiny.
GEORGE
Hey, do you see that guy?
JERRY
Who?
GEORGE
The guy over there in front of the drug store.
JERRY
With the neon pants?
GEORGE
Yeah. He looks familiar.
JERRY
I don't know him. The neon is a nice touch though.
GEORGE
I hate seeing people I know. Lets turn around. C'mon.
JERRY
What? It took 45 minutes to get here. You're gonna go all the way back just to avoid this guy?
GEORGE
I'll do anything to avoid people. I'm not a people-person.
JERRY
No, you're more of an insane person.
GEORGE
Oh my God. He's looking over here.
Look the other way!
JERRY
It's too late. He sees us.
LARRY
George?
GEORGE
Larry?
LARRY
It's been a long time.
GEORGE
Yes it has. Yes it has.
LARRY
Why are you repeating yourself? I heard you the first time.
GEORGE
Oh. Sorry.
LARRY
Who's this?
GEORGE
Jerry. Seinfeld.
JERRY
Hi.
GEORGE
He's a friend of Gorman's actually. Jerry, this is Gorman's brother, Larry.
JERRY
Oh, Larry! Hi Larry. (Puts emphasis on "Larry" to show how calling people by their name is acceptable)
LARRY
You gonna be at the wedding?
GEORGE
Yeah, actually we both are.
LARRY
What are you doing down here, buying a present? You know they registered? You know what I bought them? Huh. A crock pot. I don't even know what you do with those things. Make potatoes.
GEORGE
Ha ha. Well, I'm just getting some shampoo.
LARRY
For what?
GEORGE
Ha ha ha. Funny guy right here.
LARRY
George, I haven't seen you in a long time. We'll have dinner tonight. Me and you.
GEORGE
Hey, I'd love to, but...
LARRY
Mendy's. 8. It's in the city. You ever been to Mendy's Jerry?
JERRY
No, but I hear their soup is excellent.
LARRY
So George, I'll see you there?
GEORGE
Alright.
Larry Exits
JERRY
What happened to the flaunting?
GEORGE
Alright! I lied.
JERRY
I knew it.
GEORGE
Ugggh. I hate that guy.
JERRY
That was Gorman's brother? He kind
of looks like you.
GEORGE
Don't say that. You know this guy has been giving me fits. I keep hearing these stories about him, how bad off he is. You know when I was growing up, my parents used to tell people "at least he's not like Larry." I just spoke to my cousin and she was going on and on about this guy. He's a jerk, he's a loser, he's garbage. I've got news for her, no one is a bigger loser than me.
JERRY
If anyone is a disappointment, it's you.
GEORGE
That guy thinks he can go around with that sob story, telling everyone his luck couldn't get any worse. My luck couldn't get any worse. Who does he think he is? You know tonight, I'm gonna set him straight.
JERRY
Or scare him straight.
GEORGE
If this guy thinks he's so pathetic he's going to have to prove it. I'm not going gently into that good night my friend. Besides, I think he might be pulling a Gary Fogel.
JERRY
What, he pretended to have cancer?
GEORGE
Maybe. He lost his hair, but I think he just went bald. I was looking through some old pictures and I could see scalp. And if it was cancer how bad could it have been? He lived didn't he?
JERRY
So you're going to go out for dinner with this guy and accuse him of misrepresenting a potentially fatal disease?
GEORGE
He's telling people his wife left him. You know it's till death do us part. Not till I fake a life-threatening illness.
JERRY
Oh, you'll never go through with it. It's too dangerous. What if he's telling the truth?
GEORGE
What have I got to lose?
JERRY
Nothing. You've got nothing.
SCENE 3 - THE COFFEE SHOP
ELAINE
Hey, how are you getting to
Gorman's wedding this weekend?
JERRY
I'm driving.
ELAINE
Can you give me a lift? I was going to ask George...
JERRY
No! Don't tell George you're invited. If he knows you're going he won't come.
ELAINE
Don't tell me he's washing his hair.
JERRY
Oh, he wasn't going to go, but I told him I needed someone there to talk to. He really hates Gorman.
ELAINE
Why? He's such a nice guy.
JERRY
George?
ELAINE
No! Gorman.
JERRY
He's crazy.
ELAINE
What? But he's so nice.
JERRY
I know. You can be crazy-nice.
ELAINE
I thought there were only, you
know, crazy, crazy.
JERRY
Why can't there be crazy people who
are so good it's crazy. Like look
at that guy, he's helping that old
woman across the street. Now that
guy is crazy. Why do all crazy
people have to be maniacs?
ELAINE
Like obsessive compulsive disorder.
What if someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder had to donate money to charity like 10 times.
JERRY
Exactly.
ELAINE
Aren't you going to ask Sheila to go?
JERRY
I don't know. I think the relationship has kind of stalled.
ELAINE
How so?
JERRY
Well we were driving along, passed first gear, shifted into 3rd, then on the straightaway we went right into neutral.
ELAINE
I have no idea what you're talking about.
JERRY
She's a tease. Going on a date with her is like a sexual crash test. And you don't know what this woman did to George. I think she traumatized him for life.
ELAINE
What did she do?
JERRY
She sat on his lap once in high-school and he never got over it. It's like that scene in Citizen Kane where the guy's talking about the girl with the white parasol. He thinks about it every day. Why me? Why did she have to sit on my lap?
ELAINE
I've sat on a guy's lap before. I didn't know it was such a big deal.
JERRY
Elaine, any time that any part of woman comes in contact with IT, it's a big deal.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
I thought that was pretty obvious.
ELAINE
But it's not direct contact.
JERRY
It doesn't matter. It's a thin layer of cloth. You think that makes a difference? A pretty girl bumps into me on the street and I'm whistling Dixie all the live-long-day.
ELAINE
Well you really are quite the sophistique.
JERRY
Well... So what were you asking me about? A ride? Why don't you go with the good doctor?
ELAINE
He doesn't have a car.
JERRY
Can't afford one, eh?
ELAINE
He likes to walk. Says it's good for the brain.
JERRY
You don't hear too much about the brain these days. Like look at me. I'm so health conscious, but I never give my brain a second thought. It's pretty important to me, but it goes unnoticed.
ELAINE
Almost like it's not even there.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
Conversation continues as they enter
JERRY
I'm telling you one thing, I can't
wait for the speeches.
ELAINE
Oh, I hate the speeches. The speeches are the worst. Blah, blah, blah, happiness, love, together forever. Blechh.
Toilet flushes and George exits the bathroom.
JERRY
Oranges?
GEORGE
Bran muffin.
JERRY
Anyway, you've never heard a Gorman speech.
GEORGE
What, you're talking about wedding speeches?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Did you tell her about Gorman? Oh boy.
ELAINE
Why, what makes a Gorman speech so different from anyone else's?
JERRY
This guy is the worst public speaker. You know how your parents were always telling you to think before you speak? Well he doesn't think before, during, or after.
GEORGE
Remember Andy Fine's engagement party?
JERRY
That was bad.
ELAINE
What did he say?
JERRY
I don't even know if I can get the memory back. I've done so much to block it out. There are boxes of hangers piled on this thing.
ELAINE
I'm sure it couldn't have been so bad.
JERRY
George?
GEORGE
It was bad.
JERRY
You don't understand. This wasn't
just bad. People had to leave the room.
GEORGE
One guy passed out.
ELAINE
So what did he say?
JERRY
Oh, you know. All that stuff you say behind their back that you never want the person to hear. Like it'll never last. She could have done better.
GEORGE
Don't forget the shower.
ELAINE
What about the shower? The wedding shower?
JERRY
The shower. In the locker room. Certain observations he had made.
GEORGE
I keep my eyes closed in there. I'm like a mob hitman. I didn't see nothing.
ELAINE
That is bad.
GEORGE
He took the behind the back, and reversed it. Even I wouldn't do that.
JERRY
You can't reverse behind the back. Then it's face to face.
GEORGE
I can't do face-to-face.
JERRY
Who can?
ELAINE
Well, I mean I've heard bad toasts
before. Were there profanities?
JERRY
It was like a David Mamet play.
At one point there was even nudity.
ELAINE
And he's giving the toast.
JERRY
Yeah, I don't understand it.
ELAINE
Well, I guess I'll go.
GEORGE
Wait a second, Elaine's going.
JERRY
Umm, yeah.
GEORGE
Oh, this is just great. You really SUCKERED me into this one.
JERRY
Oh come on. What else did you have to do?
GEORGE
Are you trying to make this a question of convenience? I never have anything better to do. Why aren't I down at the hospital working with sick children? Because I'm a jerk, that's why.
ELAINE
So George, who are you taking?
JERRY
He's going with his...
GEORGE
Jerry...
JERRY
Mother.
ELAINE
Your mother.
GEORGE
Alright. Alright. My father can't go because of his back. It's not like I'm dating her.
SCENE- BASKETBALL GAME
(All the players are midgets)
RALPH
It's my ankle, I can't play.
MICKEY
Well we've only got 4 guys. We
can't play with 4 guys. We're gonna
have to forfeit.
KRAMER
No you're not. No, I don't forfeit.
MICKEY
Well what are we supposed to do?
KRAMER
I'm coming in.
MICKEY
You can't go in.
KRAMER
Why not?
MICKEY
You're too tall.
KRAMER
Well, we'll see about that.
(Montage of Kramer playing B-Ball against midgets. Blocking shots etc.)
SCENE - JERRY'S CAR
(Sheila is reaching into Jerry's pocket.)
JERRY
What are you doing?
SHEILA
I'm getting some gum.
JERRY
From my pocket?
SHEILA
Isn't that OK.
JERRY
Yeah, sure, it's OK.
SHEILA
I love this gum.
JERRY
You know it's French.
SHEILA
Really?
JERRY
No, I'm just kidding.
SHEILA
Oh.
JERRY
Hey, what does "original" taste like.
SHEILA
What are you talking about?
JERRY
You know, like gum. There's real flavours like cherry and wintergreen, and then there's original. What is the "original" taste.
SHEILA
I don't know. Gum I guess.
JERRY
So you're saying that the word
"original" is a flavour?
SHEILA
Colours can be flavours.
JERRY
I know. Red. Now there's a good
flavour.
SHEILA
What flavour's orange?
JERRY
I don't know.
SCENE - MENDY'S
LARRY
So after the cancer I moved back in with my parents. You know, I had lost my job and my wife had left me. Then my parents kicked me out. Turns out they didn't like the way I did the dishes. I didn't rinse them before I put them in the machine. I said that's what it's for ma. It's a dishwasher. What's the point of having a dishwasher if you've got to wash the dishes first. Then you don't even need the thing! Can you believe that? I was out in the street.
GEORGE
You had cancer, you were unemployed, your wife left you, and your parents kicked you out of the house?
LARRY
The battery on my watch. It died.
GEORGE
Well, that's one hell of a story. Any of it true?
LARRY
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
Larry, I caught you. It's OK, sometimes it happens to me. You had a misstep. It's alright, I won't hold it against you.
LARRY
You really are an idiot aren't you?
GEORGE
What, you're actually telling the truth?
LARRY
Of course I am.
GEORGE
(Flustered) Well, I had a really bad cold last week. For a few days I thought it could have been serious.
LARRY
You're comparing your cold to my
cancer? I lost all my hair.
GEORGE
Hey. (Points to head)
LARRY
I could have died.
GEORGE
I walk down the street. Bam, I'm
hit by a car. I'm out there every
day taking a chance. You're lying
on a bed somewhere.
LARRY
This is crazy.
GEORGE
That's right.
Waiter enters
WAITER
Here's your soup sir.
George looks flustered, but doesn't say anything.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
So he wasn't too happy with your
experiment?
GEORGE
No, he was quite offended.
JERRY
Really? I never would have thought
that. Usually people take kindly to that sort of thing.
GEORGE
Jerry, this guy is killing me. For all these years I've based my life on being the absolute most pathetic person I know. Now he's taken that from me. And his parents are really close with my parents. He used to be over at the house all the time. He knows all my friends. The word is going to get out and then where will I be?
JERRY
I wouldn't worry about it too much.
GEORGE
I'm nothing Jerry. Nothing. People
used to look at me and say, that
guy's pathetic. That guy's a loser.
Now what are they going to say?
I've got to do something.
JERRY
So he's short, stocky, bald, AND he
had cancer?
GEORGE
He's unmarried, unemployed, and
unattractive. He's got it all!
JERRY
And you?
GEORGE
Well...
JERRY
Hey, two-out-of-three ain't bad.
GEORGE
Meatloaf!
JERRY
What do your parents think about
him?
GEORGE
They hate him.
JERRY
They hate him, yet they tolerate
you.
GEORGE
Why can't they tolerate him and
hate me?
JERRY
That's the question.
GEORGE
So how are things going between you
and Sheila?
JERRY
Pretty good.
GEORGE
Any. You know?
JERRY
No not yet.
GEORGE
She didn't sit in your lap, did she?
JERRY
Well...
GEORGE
Jerry, I'm telling you.
JERRY
But I'm sensing a breakthrough.
GEORGE
Why? Did she say something.
JERRY
No, but I'm picking things up.
GEORGE
Like what? What's more of a sign than a lap sit? That's almost direct contact.
JERRY
You know, the little signals here and there. Like today I was driving her back to her place and she asked if I had any gum. It was in my pocket so she reached in and got it herself.
GEORGE
Physical contact.
JERRY
Yes. Quite physical.
GEORGE
So you think you're in.
JERRY
The road has been paved. But the clutch is jammed.
GEORGE
Enough with the gear references, OK. I don't even know how to drive standard.
JERRY
It's like she's blissfully unaware. I'll tell you one thing, you don't put your hand in someone's pocket unless you mean it.
GEORGE
Yeah, right. So did she mention me?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Did you bring up my name?
JERRY
Why would I?
GEORGE
Cause I knew her too.
JERRY
Oh yeah. I'll just ask her if she remembers the guy who walked past her that time.
GEORGE
Hey, she sat on my lap. Biology class Jerry!
JERRY
You're still on this?
GEORGE
Well it was very confusing. You
don't just sit on someone's lap.
JERRY
That was twenty years ago.
GEORGE
Oh. So that makes it alright?
JERRY
We had this conversation
already. I agreed with you.
GEORGE
I'd just like some closure. Is that
too much to ask?
JERRY
You've got a lot of loose ends,
don't you?
GEORGE
Nothing's tied up, Jerry. Nothing!
Kramer Enters
JERRY
Hey, what happened to you?
KRAMER
They fouled me.
GEORGE
Who?
KRAMER
Mickey's friends. They hacked into
me like I was a Christmas goose.
JERRY
What are you talking about, I
thought you were the coach?
KRAMER
I was, but then one of the guys got
hurt so I took his place.
GEORGE
You played against midgets? You're like seven feet tall.
KRAMER
Anyway it was late in the game and
we were up by a basket.
JERRY
You were up by ONE basket?
KRAMER
They've got quick hands Jerry.
They're all close to the ground.
It's like dribbling through a
croquet set.
JERRY
So.
KRAMER
So there's a minute left in the game and we've got the ball. Mickey
passes to me and I'm just about to go up for a lay up when I feel,
smack, right on the back of my knee.
JERRY
So what happened.
KRAMER
Well I shot the free throws and we
got the ball back. I'm going up for
another shot and bam! There goes my other knee.
GEORGE
So did you win.
KRAMER
Barely. I had to finish the game on
all fours. I don't even know how I
got up the stairs Jerry. I had to
shower sitting down.
GEORGE
Well this has all been very
interesting, but I should be going.
JERRY
Gonna go for the trifecta, huh?
GEORGE
I'll think of something.
JERRY
Hey, what are you doing?
KRAMER
(Icing his knees with a bag of frozen peas)
I'm icing my knees.
JERRY
You know I have ice.
KRAMER
Jerry, I don't know what I'm going
to do tomorrow. I'm the best man, I
don't think I can stand up.
JERRY
Well, I don't think it's necessary
for you to be standing.
KRAMER
I have to walk down the aisle. What
am I gonna do?
JERRY
Well, just call him and tell him to
go to the backup.
KRAMER
You mean give up the ball?
JERRY
Well I don't think you have a
choice.
KRAMER
I'm gonna think about that.
SCENE - THE COFFEE SHOP
THE DR
Elaine, is this right?
ELAINE
What?
THE DR
The bill.
ELAINE
Let me see. Two coffees, a big salad, and a turkey club. Yeah.
THE DR
Hmmm. What's 10% of twenty-dollars?
ELAINE
TWO dollars.
THE DR
Are you sure?
ELAINE
Yes, I'm sure.
THE DR
I don't know. Hey, 6 plus 5. That's not eleven is it?
ELAINE
Yes.
(A guy walks past the table)
THE DR
Hey, Elaine do you know who that was.
ELAINE
No.
THE DR
That was Sammy Davis Jr.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
So he's a brainless surgeon?
ELAINE
You're doing puns now?
JERRY
A pun can be a very effective
source of humor.
ELAINE
You've got nothing.
JERRY
I know. I can't write anything. I
spent four hours last night trying
to come up with some new material.
ELAINE
What did you get?
JERRY
Oh, nothing.
ELAINE
Is this it?
JERRY
Yeah, but it's awful.
ELAINE
What's the deal with doors? Can't they just make a decision already: push, or pull? What's the deal with doors?
I don't know, it's not that bad. I've always wondered about that. It seems so arbitrary.
JERRY
Oh, it's awful. I haven't even felt like myself lately. It's like I'm in some kind of fog. I was in the drug store yesterday and someone said "nice weather." I drew a blank.
ELAINE
It was raining yesterday though.
JERRY
I know. They were joking. You know
what I said?
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Yeah! Yeah!
ELAINE
So what, I say yeah all the time.
JERRY
But you don't understand. You're
not a comedian. This is my
livelihood. Yeah! That's like
something my uncle would say.
ELAINE
So what are you going to do?
JERRY
I don't know. I've got to get it
back. I've been trying everything though; long showers, reading the dictionary. Anything to generate some kind of mental activity.
ELAINE
Well can't you just use your old
material for a while?
JERRY
The Heil 5?
ELAINE
You'd better get to work.
JERRY
I can't, I've got to get ready for this wedding.
ELAINE
Alright. I've got to go too. I'm meeting The Dr. in front of his apartment in an hour.
JERRY
Hey, Elaine, wait. Who won the Mets game?
SCENE - GORMAN'S WEDDING
JERRY
What table you got?
GEORGE
Roger Maris.
ESTELLE
This is so exciting. Think of how nice it must be to have a normal son. To have grand children. Look at how happy they are Jerry. Why can't I be happy? Don't I deserve to be happy?
GEORGE
Hey, if you think I was gonna let you anywhere near those grandkids, you're crazy.
ESTELLE
Why? What's so wrong with me? What did I ever do to you?
JERRY
Fred and Ethel, please.
KRAMER
(From under the table). Psst. Jerry, George.
JERRY
Kramer? Where are you?
KRAMER
Down here. Under the table.
GEORGE
What are you doing down there?
KRAMER
I'm scared stiff. I can't move. My knees are all locked up, my hands are shaking. I'm frightened Jerry.
JERRY
Why? What's going on.
KRAMER
It's him (Points to Larry).
JERRY
Larry? Is that a neon tuxedo?
KRAMER
That's the guy who mugged me Jerry. That's the man who took my innocence.
JERRY
Mugged you? What are you talking about, when did you get mugged?
KRAMER
A couple of years ago in the park. Remember after the audition at NBC.
I was running home. I was a little
backed up.
JERRY
Oh yeah.
KRAMER
Yeah, Jerry. Yeah!
JERRY
(To George) Well, armed robbery. Think you can beat that?
GEORGE
He got me again! Hey, isn't that Sheila?
JERRY
Where?
GEORGE
Sitting on Larry's lap! I knew it. The lap sitter strikes again.
KRAMER
What's going on up there?
JERRY
Looks like he's getting a little fresh.
GEORGE
Aren't you going to do something?
JERRY
What? The guy's crazy. And look at all that cutlery around him. He mugged Kramer. Besides, the relationship is kind of dead.
GEORGE
But I thought you said things were going great. You were in 3rd gear, shifting into cruise.
JERRY
I lied!
GEORGE
Look at that. See, everyone's looking, but no one ever does anything. God forbid someone ever reaches out and helps someone.
JERRY
Yeah, but what are you gonna do?
GEORGE
Hey, I just got an idea. What if I go over there and say something to him in front of everyone. Then I'm the hero. That's got to be better than the loser, Jerry.
JERRY
Oh, forget it. You're not going to do that.
GEORGE
Why? Why can't I do that?
JERRY
'Cause you never follow through. Remember that waiter who kept sticking his fingers in your soup? You gave him a bigger tip because you didn't want him to think you were angry.
GEORGE
Jerry, I'm serious. I don't know what it is, but I feel like right now, at this particular moment in time, at this particular place in the world, I am Batman. Kramer, how much money did he get from you?
KRAMER
I don't know, forty-dollars.
GEORGE
I'm going over there and getting forty-dollars.
ELAINE
George, this guy is dangerous. Here, I'll give you $40.
GEORGE
No, I have to do this. Batman, Jerry. Batman!
(Walks over to Larry and Sheila)
GEORGE
So, you'll sit on his lap too?
SHEILA
Do I know you?
GEORGE
10th grade. Lincoln High. The year was 1977, you were in my biology class. You came and sat on my lap and then acted like nothing happened.
SHEILA
Nothing happened? Wait a second, I remember you. It moved!
GEORGE
You can't toy with people's...like that. What was I supposed to do? I didn't ask you to sit there. There was a perfectly good chair right beside me. I can still remember it. I was wearing corduroy pants!
LARRY
Is this guy bothering you?
SHEILA
Yes, he is.
LARRY
Get lost George.
GEORGE
Oh, I'll go. Right after you give me $40.
LARRY
$40. Why would I give you $40?
GEORGE
Four years ago you stole $40 from my friend. You mugged him in the park. I want it back.
LARRY
You do eh? Well why don't you come and get it?
GEORGE
Well maybe I will.
LARRY
Well come on.
Enter Elaine and The Dr.
ELAINE
What a nice centrepiece. Is that granite? Sorry we're late. What's going on?
JERRY
Nothing. George is about to get himself killed.
KRAMER
Hi Elaine.
ELAINE
Kramer?
THE DR
(Silent, looking straight at Jerry.)
JERRY
What happened to you?
ELAINE
The good Dr. got in a fight with our rickshaw driver.
JERRY
You took a rickshaw?
ELAINE
That's right. He likes the fresh air.
(Jerry and The Dr. Are Staring Right At Each Other, Neither Speaking.)
JERRY
Hey. Le me ask you something. What is up with the no hello?
THE DR
Why should I say hello? I don't even know you. And I don't like you. I don't just walk around saying hello. I say hello to who I want, when I want.
JERRY
Well that's fine because I wasn't going to call you doctor anyway. In fact, I'm never going to call you Dr.
THE DR
I was trying to do you a favour. You're a comedian. You probably couldn't even remember my name.
JERRY
Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry is obviously upset that he can't think of a comeback. George and Larry begin to tussle. )
ESTELLE
George! What are you doing.
(Estelle Gets Brushed Aside And Falls)
ESTELLE
My back!
(Larry pushes George into the table under which Kramer has been hiding. Kramer has now partially emerged to watch the fight. As George is pushed into the table, the centerpiece becomes dislodged, hitting Kramer in the head and knocking him unconscious.)
ELAINE
Oh my God!
JERRY
Is anyone here a doc... (Jerry and THE DR. are staring at each other, but neither makes a move.)
THE END
POST END
(Kramer, the best man, is preparing to make his speech. It's obvious that he's a little woozy and shaky on his feet because of his bad knee and the bump on his head.)
GORMAN
My wife heard about my reputation for making bad speeches, so I promised her I'd keep this one short and sweet. Well, here it is. Suzy, honey, I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.
ELAINE
I think I'm gonna be sick.
LARRY
And now I'd like to call on the best man to make a toast.
(Kramer rises to make his speech. He's wobbly and looking woozy because of the knock on his head. Everyone thinks he's drunk.)
KRAMER
Hi everybody. (Fumbles with microphone.)Yeah, my name is Cosmo Kramer and I've known Gorman for 25 years, so I think I can say this (Knocks over glass of water.) Oh, sorry.
GROOM'S FATHER
Is he drunk?
JERRY
This isn't going to be good.
KRAMER
Well, yeah, I've known Gorman for all these years and...what was I going to say?
GROOM'S FATHER
He's drunk. Get him out of here.
KRAMER
Drunk. Ha! Look at this guy. Yeah! I think I can say this from the bottom of my heart that Betty, I think you could have done much, much...
(Gorman kicks him in the back of the knee and Kramer falls under the table.)
THE END