Natural Woman

by CaptainSwanLuver

Sydney reflects on her life, the new information about her mother and how she feels about Vaughn. This leads to a shift in their relationship and a realization for Sydney.

Hi, my name is Steph and this is my first Alias fanfic.  It is not, however, my first fanfic.  I have been writing fanfics for three and a half years for "General Hospital" and "The West Wing".  I'm a diehard Sydney/Vaughn fan (I mean, hello, have you seen Michael Vartan?), so this story pairs them together.  Well, that's all I wanted to say.  Hope you enjoy the story and please let me know what you thought. ~Steph

Title: Natural Woman

Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)

Category: Drama/Romance

Pairings: Sydney/Vaughn

Summary: Sydney reflects on her life, the new information about her mother and how she feels about Vaughn. This leads to a shift in their relationship and a realization for Sydney.

Rating: PG

Archive: Sure, just let me know where.

Spoilers: "The Confession" and small aspects from other episodes.

Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.

* * * Natural Woman 1/1 * * *

~Looking out on the morning rain

I used to feel uninspired~

       Sydney leaned her head against the window and listened to the pitter-patter of rain against the glass. 

She hated rain.  When she was little, she'd repeat, "Rain, rain, go away, come back another day," over and over again until her throat was sore.  She'd sit in front of the window all day waiting for it to stop.  She actually believed it would just by asking it to enough times. 

      That was when she still believed in things…When she was still innocent enough to believe that wanting can make things so. 

       That was before the terrible twists in her life had shattered that innocence. 

     That was when she still believed in hope and the power of love.  She'd sit for hours reading fairy tales where the bad people always lost and the princess and her prince always lived happily ever after.

     It didn't take long for her childhood illusions to crumble just like every other part of her life had.

       And today another had crumbled just like the others.

       When everything else in her life seemed wrong and when everyone else seemed to be caught in a web of lies, the one thing she could believe in, the one thing she knew to be true, was that her deceased mother had been a kind, good woman.

       But now she was forced to add her mother to a long list of things in her life that didn't make sense and people in her life that weren't what they seemed. 

       How could it be that the mother who used to sing her to sleep with "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" was the same woman who had killed numerous people?

       How could it be that the mother who sewed every Halloween costume she ever wore by hand was the same woman who betrayed her country?

       How could it be that the mother who had cooked her homemade chicken soup when she was sick and lay next to her all night was the same woman who had deceived her everyday of her life?

       But what was perhaps the worst part of all the heartache and deception that she had suffered throughout her life was that it made her question who she was.   It made her question the choices she made.  It made her doubt her ability to trust.  How could she trust another person when she had judged some of the most important people in her life so badly?  How could she trust herself to have that kind of faith in somebody again?

      And, to make matters even worse, she knew that she was now deceiving the important people in her life just as her parents had deceived her.   She wondered what it would do to them if someday they discovered the truth and lived to tell about it.

       There was only one person in her life who hadn't deceived her, who hadn't betrayed her.  There was only one person in her life she knew she could trust...Only one person she knew she could trust with her life.  There was only one person who she could confide in about every aspect of her life.   

       His name is Agent Michael Vaughn and he's had his share of heartache, too.

      Sydney sighed and ran a hand through her hair, as she thought of him.  They were connected by the loss of a parent.  And now they both knew their connection was much deeper and much more horrifying than either of them had thought.

       Her mother had killed his father. 

       And she wondered...She wondered how he would ever be able to look her in the eye again...How he would ever be able to stare into a face that so resembled that of the person who had killed his father.

       Sydney shook her head and checked her watch.  He was late.  He was never late. 

       She dreaded facing him.  In fact, she had begun to dread facing just about every day because she never knew what terrible surprises it held in store for her.

~And when I knew I had to face another day

Lord, it made me feel so tired~

       She remembered well the first day she met him.  Danny had just died and her world was spinning from the knowledge that she had caused it.  And then all she wanted to do was make SD-6 pay for killing Danny and for making her believe that she was a patriot for her country.

       That first day she didn't notice much about him, her mind was a racing blur.  But after that first day she took notice.

       She noticed that his smile was disarming, but that he used it discriminately. 

       She noticed how his deep green eyes seemed to sparkle whenever he talked of taking down SD-6. 

       She noticed how his short brown hair had a slightly tousled appearance to it that gave him a childish quality somehow. 

       She noticed how his face seemed as if it had been sculpted, the curves and contours perfectly complementing each other. 

       She noticed how he cared.  She noticed how he wanted to protect her.  She noticed how he put her safety in front of his job security.   

~Before the day I met you, life was so unkind

But your love was the key to my peace of mind~

       And she noticed how she felt safe every time she was near him. 

      She noticed how he could make her laugh when tears of sorrow were streaming down her face. 

     She noticed how he listened to her...How he really listened to the words she said and the ones she didn't.

       She noticed how he was constantly reassuring her that what she is doing is right and that she is a good person. 

       She noticed how her heart beat a little faster every time she saw him and how she had begun to eagerly anticipate their every meeting just for a chance to see his face again. 

       But, most importantly, she noticed how he somehow managed to make her feel normal and beautiful, when all she felt was different and ugly to the rest of the world.

~'Cause you make me feel, you make feel, you make me feel like

A natural woman~

       With him, she didn't have to pretend.

       True, they usually had to pretend that they didn't know each other during their meetings, but she never had to hide who she was or bury her feelings deep inside of her. 

       She didn't have to wear wigs and sexy clothing to disguise who she was. 

     She didn't have to pretend that she worked at a bank and that she was constantly taking business trips. 

       She didn't have to pretend that she respected Sloane and that she believed in the work she did for SD-6.

       She didn't have to pretend to be Dixon's loyal partner, while working against him at every turn. 

       She didn't have to pretend to understand her father's actions and she didn't have to act as if his face wasn't that of a stranger.

     She could be herself with Vaughn.  There were no facades. There were no pretenses.  There was no pretending.

       With one exception.

    She was beginning to love him.  She didn't want to and she knew the complications that it would create, but she couldn't help herself.

       After Danny died, she never thought she'd feel that way about another man again.

       And then he walked into her life. 

       So, now there was no pretending around him, with one exception. 

       She had to pretend that his smiles didn't make her heart race and that his eyes didn't remind her of a rare kind of jade.

       She had to pretend that she wasn't falling in love with him.  

       Sydney was pulled from her thoughts by a light touch on her shoulder.  She turned her head and looked up into the face of Vaughn.

       She tried to ignore the fact that her heart skipped a beat at the sight of him.

       "Hi," she said softly and offered him a slight smile.

       Today, they were meeting in a library.  They were on one of the lower floors where they kept older, rare books.  The floor was all but deserted, but they still had to act as if they were simply two strangers searching for a good book. 

       After Vaughn had alerted her that he was there, he had walked over to a nearby stack of books and had begun to leaf through one.  Sydney looked one more time at the window where the rain continued steadily and then stood up.  She stood a few feet beside him, removed a book from one of the shelves and pretended to look at it.

       "What do you have for me?" she asked him.

       "I didn't ask you here to discuss business," he replied, while studying the print on one of the pages of the book. 

       His answer surprised her and she looked up from her book and glanced at him.  She realized her slip almost immediately and returned her eyes to the pages of the book. 

       "What did you want to see me about then?"

       Vaughn closed the book and sighed heavily.  He turned to her, "How are you?"

       She removed her eyes from the book and met his gaze.  She wondered why he was suddenly breaking protocol.

       "That's why you called me here?  To ask me how I am?"

       "Yeah."

       Her brow furrowed and she looked down at her shoes.  "I'm fine."

       "Sydney."

       "What?" she said, but refused to meet his gaze.

       "Will you look at me, please," he said softly.

       She slowly lifted her head and locked eyes with him. 

      He swallowed hard and ran a hand through his hair before continuing.  "The other day...I know that must have been hard for you.  It couldn-..."

       "I'm fine," she said, cutting him off. "Really, I'm fine."

       "I don't think you are."

       "Well, I really think I'm the best judge of how I am and am not feeling," she said with a little more irritation than she intended.

       He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry...I just thought you might need to talk."

       "We aren't supposed to do this, Vaughn.  You know we can't take this kind of risk for a heart-to-heart."

       "I think we have to."

       "Why?" she asked through clenched teeth.

       "Because I'm worried about you," he admitted with a hint of embarrassment.

       She studied his face and realized that he was truly concerned. 

     He continued, "Sydney, you just found out that your mother wasn't who you thought she was.  You just found out that your mother killed 25 agents and betrayed her country." He paused and then added in a lower voice with his head bent, "And, to make matters worse, you just found out that your mother killed my father."

    She closed her eyes, the thought of her mother killing anyone still an incomprehensible thought that tore at her heart.

        "I look like her, you know," she said in a whisper as she opened her eyes and once again met his.

       "Sydney-..." he began.

      "No...I look like her, Vaughn.  I have the same color hair and eyes.  And she used to say....She used to say that I had her smile." She paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "So how can you look at me?  How can you stand to look at me when you know I look like the woman who murdered your father?...When you know that the same blood courses through my veins that coursed through hers?" she concluded in a harsh whisper.

       His brow creased and his mouth hung slightly open at her question.  He waited a few long moments before replying, "You're not your mother, Sydney.  That's all there is to it.  When I look at you, I don't see her.  I know that you are a good, caring person.  And I know that you would never knowingly betray your country and commit such a heinous crime.  That's just not you."

       "How do you know that for sure?" she asked, as she blinked back a tear. "I never would have thought that my mother could do such a thing, but she did. So how can you know for sure that I won't?"

       "Because I know you," he said softly, his eyes averted.

       "You don't know anything about me, Vaughn," she said with a bitter laugh.  "I don't even know who I am half the time."

       He shook his head and responded confidently, "I know that you love your friends and would do anything for them.  I know that you loved Danny and want his killers to pay so that they can't hurt anyone else ever again.  I know that Badenweiler nearly crushed your spirit.  But I also know that you're strong, Sydney...Stronger than anyone I've ever met."

~When my soul was in the lost-and-found

You came alone to claim it~

       Sydney just stared at him, willing herself to believe his words.  Tears were now streaming down her face, but she didn't notice them. 

       Slowly, she began to realize that he was right.  She wasn't like her mother and she wasn't doomed to follow in her footsteps.

       She hadn't even fully realized that she had that fear until he made her see it. 

       She lowered her head and noticed the tears streaming down her face for the first time.  She began to wipe at her face, embarrassment lacing her words, "I'm sorry...Look at me, I'm a mess."

       She lifted her head to look up at him and found that he had taken a couple of steps towards her.  He was now temptingly close. 

      He smiled and lifted his thumb to wipe away a tear on her cheek.  "You missed a spot," he said in a husky whisper.

       She was just about to open her mouth to thank him, when she noticed him lean forward and tilt his head down to hers.  Before she knew what was happening, their lips had met in a soft kiss.  It was soul-stirring and it made her feel things that she had long since put to the back of her mind. 

~I didn't know just what was wrong with me

Till your kiss helped me name it~

      She was just about to pull him deeper into the kiss, when he pulled away.  His eyes told her that he wanted this just as much as she did, but that the time and circumstances just weren't right yet. 

       But the kiss said more between them than words ever could.

       It gave her something to hope for, something to look forward to. 

       It gave her something more to live for than just her pledge to destroy SD-6.

       She realized for the first time since Danny died that she could hope to be happy again…That she could want to be happy without feeling like she was betraying him.

~Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for

'Cause if I make you happy I don't need to do more~

       It felt good to be wanted by someone again and to want someone again, even if it wasn't the right time yet. 

~You make me feel, you make feel, you make me feel like

A natural woman~

~Oh, baby, what you've done to me

You make me feel so good inside

And I just want to be close to you

You make me feel so alive~

       For the first time in a long time, Sydney felt truly alive.  All of the heart-thumping, pulse-quickening adventures that she experienced so frequently couldn't hope to compare with the way being desired and desiring again felt. 

       It couldn't hope to compare to the way falling in love again feels.

~You make me feel, you make feel, you make me feel like

A natural woman~

****************************************THE END**********************************************

Song was ~ "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman" by Carole King.

Thanks for reading and please let me know what you thought. ~Steph