Tears of a Lone Wolf: Fen'Harel's Redemption
Chapter 1: The Day the World Shattered
It had been just over five years since Solas last saw Elessa Lavellan. Though he could find her easily in the fade, he had refused to visit her dreams ever since the day he turned his back on her, shattering two hearts in its wake. Though he worried constantly for her well-being, visiting her in the fade was not appropriate. He had betrayed her, and this was his punishment - to walk alone in shame and solitude, wondering what could have been. He endured.
And for what, he asked himself regularly. He was no closer to freeing his kin than he had been when he had left her. She was still the most precious thing in the world to him, so why had he not gone back? His resolve had faltered many times in the years since he had left. His heart ached with longing for her, and each time he settled on his decision to return to her, he stopped. It was too late, he told himself. She could never forgive him for what he did - for who he was. He did not deserve her love.
He was originally the teacher who Elessa had sought for wisdom, friendship, and stories of days long past. The cruel irony of it all was that in the end, it was she who had become his teacher. She had cultivated feelings of trust and hope that he had never known existed. By loving him wholly and honestly, she had taught him to love with every fiber of his being, and in doing so, his heart was bound to her forever. He had abandoned her, and he carried his shame through life like an injured animal with an arrow through its heart.
One winter day while wandering the fade, he sensed overwhelming distress coming from her, the likes of which he had never seen. It was as if her pain was in the process of fracturing the veil itself, ripping the seams separating the waking world from the fade. This was something dangerous. He needed to get to her to make sure that she was alright.
He found her in an ancient ruin in the Exalted Plains. It was the place where they had first made love so many years ago. In an instant he stood in front of her and put up a quick ward to isolate them from spirits. No more hiding. No more secrets. He was ready to lay his conscience bare before her and face his punishment.
As he appeared, she looked up at him, her eyes already filled to the brim with tears. She ran towards him eagerly. There was no anger or distrust. It was as if he had never wronged her - as if everything he had done to her had been a dream. As he hung his head in shame and began to weep, she embraced him and cradled his head against her chest. Solas sobbed like a child in her arms.
Finally she reached down to his chin and brought it up to face hers. "Solas, emma lath (my love)," she uttered before breaking down into tears. At the sound of her voice, the dying fire in his heart was suddenly rekindled. All of the longing, the love, and the hope that he had pushed aside over the last five years resurfaced, and his resolve to return to her was reawakened. This time he was going to spend the rest of his life with her no matter what the consequences. He didn't care if the heavens fell down on top of him.
He held her in his arms until she finally found the words between tears. Her eyes were filled with urgency as she said, "Solas, I don't have much time. I will be dead shortly." And with those words, his heart sank and his world shattered. His insides felt as if they were being torn apart. He cried, "What do you mean you're dying? Where are you?" He focused enough that he could sense her spirit's hold in the world deteriorating, but even then, he refused to accept it.
She watched him intently and grasped both hands around the base of his neck before calmly saying, "What I am about to tell you is a lot to take in, and I need you to be strong until I finish. Do you think you can do that, Lethallin?" Solas didn't want to accept what she was about to tell him. He needed to get to her NOW, at all costs. He screamed, "Please vhenan, tell me where you are. I can leave right now. I can fix this. I can.." As he looked at her calm, loving demeanor, he realized that no matter where she was, he would never get to her in time. He accepted her fate. A new barrage of tears streamed down his face as he sunk to his knees and bawled uncontrollably.
He instantly felt the brief sting of a slap across his face, and it jarred him back to attention. She gently grasped his hands and pulled him to his feet as she once again pleaded, "I cannot be saved, and you need to hear this. I beg you, my love." He nodded his head in compliance as he continued to sob. Elessa continued. "After Corypheus fell, the Venatori still hunted me. Their assassination attempts got much worse after I gave birth to our son." Upon hearing that he had a son, Solas' head filled with confusion and his eyes widened as they searched hers for answers.
Solas stared vacantly at her, as if his mind couldn't grasp the idea. He was in shock. The realization that he had left her pregnant AND alone, yet another strike on the list of horrible things that he had done, was almost too much to bear. She secured both hands over his cheeks to ground him. "For the sake of our son," she urged. "you need to hear this," she once again pleaded. Solas answered with another nod, which was all he could bring himself to do through his tears. "I have often questioned your identity, and I have a very good idea of who you are," she stated.
"As you might have guessed, our child is very special," she continued. "His magic manifested shortly after birth, and once this fact became known, it made him a target for assassinations and kidnappings. You should also know that he has two forms." Upon hearing this, Solas didn't have to guess what the other form was. He already knew. His tears subsided briefly.
Solas looked up as he questioned, "What is our son's name, vhenan?" Elessa smiled affectionately and answered, "His birth name is Elgar'nehn (Spirit of joy), but I have called him Da'Fen (little wolf) for years, and that is what he recognizes." Solas briefly smiled upon hearing this before going back to quietly sobbing.
She finally grabbed both of his hands as her tears began falling more rapidly. She just barely got the words out as she looked desperately into his eyes and begged, "Solas, If you still love me... if you ever loved me, I need you to protect him. Please... Raise him as your son and fill his heart with love. Raise him to be a good man and tell him how much I loved you both. Please promise me, Solas," she cried as she buried her face in his chest.
He could see that her spirit was beginning to flicker, as if the source of her innermost light was being slowly extinguished, and it filled him with dread. He steadied himself over her shoulders as he looked into her eyes with regret and exclaimed, "How can I be all those things for our son when I am a horrible person who was never worthy of your love to begin with? I wanted to tell you all this time, but I am a coward. My real name is Fen'Harel. The orb was mine, and everything that happened was my fault. I'm so sorry," he sobbed, almost uncontrollably. He sniveled as he continued, "And now you know that I am the great betrayer, the enemy to our people, and the person who broke your heart and left you preg..."
He didn't get to finish his sentence before she interrupted him. Elessa wrapped her arms around his neck as she gazed into his eyes with a look of pure love and understanding. She gently kissed his forehead and then his lips as she declared, "I don't care what the Dalish said about you. They were wrong. You are a good person who made a few mistakes. Bad things happened that you never intended, and you have carried that burden with you all these years. Though I'll never understand why, I know that you left me because you felt you had no other choice. I forgave you years ago emma lath, (my love). Please just promise me that you will take care of our son."
Solas sobbed at the realization that she had known his identity all this time and was likely the one person in the world who understood him - understood his shame. "Ma'arlath, ma vhenan (I love you, my heart)," he whimpered softly. "I promise that I will do my best to raise our son," he sniffled as he held her tight in his grasp. Her spirit was slowly fading before his eyes, and he desperately wanted to cling to every moment that they had left.
As she began to flicker more rapidly, Solas screamed desperately, "Please don't leave me, vhenan! I can't live without you!" She gently smiled to him as she looked deep into his gaze and said apologetically, "I would spend a thousand lifetimes with you if I could, ma' sa'lath (my one true love). I have one final request. You must find a way to forgive yourself as I have forgiven you. For our son and for your own salvation. Stop trying to fix the past and look towards the future. I love you more than words can describe, Fen'Harel. I have always loved you."
Solas was crying so much at this point that he couldn't speak. As he nodded in affirmation, Alessa gently touched her lips to his. They held each other tightly as they kissed, salty tears cascading down their faces and into their mouths. They continued to weep together, their tongues intertwined in one last desperate act as they took in every ounce of each others' love. In the blink of an eye, she was gone. Elessa had vanished before his eyes. He could still taste her and smell her scent - elfroot and jasmine, as it had always been years ago.
Once again, he was alone. The realization of her death suddenly sank in. His knees buckled as he crumpled to the ground in despair and let out a series of heart-wrenching screams. He hyperventilated as his body folded into a fetal position, gasping for breath between desperate screeches. He had never felt such excruciating pain, and he laid there weeping on the ground, writhing in anguish for what felt like hours.
He could have gone back at any time, but he didn't. They could have raised their child together had he gone back sooner, but he didn't. Most importantly, he could have kept them both safe, but he didn't. This was his fault too. His arrogance and his failures had cost him the one thing he cared about above everything else. As he agonized over his poor decisions, he desperately wanted to follow her to wherever her spirit had gone and drag her back. If only he could die in her place.
As Fen'Harel stood up and forced himself to awaken back into the real world, he made one final resolution. On that day he vowed to never fail her again. He would find their son and protect him as Elessa had requested. Though it terrified him to no end, he would learn how to be a proper father and raise Da'Fen in a way that would make his vhenan proud. He questioned if he would ever be able to forgive himself, but as it was her dying request, he was going to do his best. This would be his final attempt at redemption.