A/N: Blame the plot bunnies and blame the writer's block and blame the Chinese mother who won't let me do Naruto research for Gray Jutsu. ("Shitty Japanese people bombed Pearl Harbor!" etc.)
[BLACK ORDER ARCHIVES, EUROPEAN BRANCH]
SOUND TAPE FILE #0014427:
CATEGORY: INTERVIEW.
SUBJECT: ALLEN WALKER: AGE 16, MALE.
OCCUPATION: EXORCIST, NOAH HOST, GAMBLING-SOURCE-OF-INCOME-FOR-THE -VATICAN
PRESS 'START' BUTTON TO BEGIN AUDIO.
Hello, my name is Nancy, and I'll be your interviewer for today.
Um, hello... 'Interviewer?' I didn't know anything about an interview.
Oh, some people were very, very curious as to what you thought of them. Hence the idea of this interview. I was chosen, of course - my reporting skills are the best!
W-who came up with this, may I ask?
Chief Scientist Komui Lee. As it happens, he's the first one on our list.
...Okay.
So, um, Mr. Komui's really nice to us. Even if he can be a bit weird sometimes.
And, well, his experiments can be king of chaotic. Hold on, scratch that. All of them are chaotic.
[slightly muffled background noise of glass shattering and 'poof!' noises]
No offense or anything. He's kind of blunt when it comes to missions, too. And I would rank his obsession with Lenalee as even worse that Master's fetish for women. That's saying a lot.
Well, what about Lenalee herself? What are your thoughts on her?
Lenalee? Oh! Lenalee's really nice. Sometimes, though, she gets fed up with me, Kanda, and Lavi for no discernible reason.
Master says that 'it's that time of the month for her.' I don't get what that means and I said that after throwing a wine bottle at his head, and then after throwing me out of his room Master said that I'd understand when I got older.
[subject pauses]
So then I asked Lavi, and he said something about 'periods,' but I have no idea what punctuation marks have to do with Lenalee's mood swings.
Is Lavi a good friend to you?
Yes! But sometimes no.
Can you elaborate?
[subject seems flustered]
U-um, well once I was taking over some of Mr. Komui's paperwork, and I fell asleep because it was really, really boring - I get why Mr. Komui keeps trying to get out of doing it. Anyway, when I fell asleep Lavi went in, and then he blew into my ear, and it was all hot and moist and disgusting and ugh -
[subject flails arms weakly]
O-oh dear, please calm down. Have some water, hon.
[subject takes a sip of water nervously]
Here, let's move onto another subject - is Yu Kanda a good friend to you?
[subject spits out water]
Hah! Bakanda!? That shitty bastard!? As if! Oh, sure, I'd absolutely love to be his bestest friend, and I was nice to him too, but no-o-o, he has to get up all in my face and make fun of me and yell at me and - I can't take it! I've been through just as much pain and hurt as him, AND IF ONLY THAT SHITTY BASTARD WOULD TAKE THAT STICK OUTTA HIS ARSE -
Oh my. Please do not cuss. Calm, calm. Don't worry, we only have one more topic left. I believe -
[rustling of papers]
- that it is the very esteemed general Cross Marian -
I'VE HAD ENOUGH - INNOCENCE, ACTIVATE!
[interviewer shrieks]
TAPE END.
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