Akashi is here.
Standing gallantly in front of my house.
But it doesn't make sense.
Because Namie confessed to Akashi a day before and he didn't reply. She wasn't expecting a reply either. Duh, it's Akashi. The prince Akashi Seijurou-sama.
Why would he stoop so low for someone who can never be even considered as a member of the higher class?
That is exactly WHY, Namie stood in her room with her palms pressed on the glass and her breath fogged up. Her eyes focused on the waiting figure in front of their gate and her mouth hang open.
He might have noticed her since he looked up and nodded as if in greeting. Her stomach felt queasy that she had to hide herself and take in three quick deep breaths like her life depended on it. Outside her room, someone started to knock.
"Namie, someone's looking for you," her mother said from the door. She breathed out a complaint but her mother wouldn't hear any of it. "That's impolite, Namie, you can't just tell someone to leave," her mother berated and would have pulled the door out of its hinges if she hear another complaint from Namie.
The girl mumbled an agreement and asked for a minute to prepare herself. When Namie's sure that her mother's gone, she fumbled through her clothes and changed to a shirt, a cardigan, and her usual jeans. She laid them all on her bed before heading down, in case she needed to go for a short walk after getting rejected.
Breathing—no, almost sucking—a deep breath, she exited her room and walked in a try-hard casual way outside their door and to the gate where Akashi waited. She nervously pressed all the fingers of her left hand with her right thumb and index finger.
"Good evening, Kanae-san," Akashi greeted formally and Namie stood still like some electric charge went through the heel of her foot to the tips of her hair. She flushed and looked at her feet in discomfort.
"G-Good evening, Akashi-kun," she tried to speak casually but still ended up ruining it by choking out the words like it's dirty or revolting. She breathed hard, trying to calm down. When she went out, she was supposed to be ready for his rejection instead she felt like stopping his next sentence and just tell him that she understood.
Akashi doesn't seem aware of her inner dilemma, he looked quite amused. "Can I ask you something, Kanae-san?"
Namie nodded slowly and stared at the ground again, refusing to meet his eyes and read the emotions on it. She shuffled a little and tried to breathe normally. Gosh, I'm acting like I'm going to have a panic attack.
"Would you like to accompany me for a walk?" he asked.
She raised her head, mouth agape. "Yes?"
He looked amused with how she reacted to the question but he didn't say anything about it. "I am asking if you would like to accompany me for a walk."
"I…" though you went all the way here to reject me. The thought itself made her want to laugh. Why would Akashi even come all the way to her house and reject her? He'd only waste his precious time of that is his actual plan. But asking her to accompany him for a walk was also a big deal. "U-Uh, are you sure you came to the right house?"
Because a few blocks from here would be Midorima's house. And Akashi is Midorima's friend, if she placed it on her observations properly.
Akashi nodded.
She thought of any other reasons to beg to differ but she cannot come up with a sound argument so she sighed. "Okay, please wait for me then."
"I will."
She nodded, blinked, and nodded again. She then speed-walked back in and without answering her mother's question, she walked to her room and changed to the clothes she laid on her bed. It seemed like she wouldn't be walking the streets for rejection yet.
She swiftly headed down and pulled off her trademark black sneakers. "Where are you going?" her mother was onto her before she could make it to the door. Her mother crossed her arms across her chest, sharply staring at Namie.
Why wouldn't she?
Namie would always disappear in the middle of the night, taking night walks without thinking of the time. And her mother would go crazy and dash to call the police or ask for help from every single neighbor who had their lights on.
Namie shifted in discomfort. Sometimes, she thought her mother overreacted way off the line. She exhaled deeply. "I'm going for a walk with the guy outside."
"For a walk with the guy outside. Did I just hear you correctly?" her mother asked, sounding more surprised than worried.
"Uh… yeah," she said silently.
An awkward silence stretched before them and Namie silently wished that she should have gone a little faster. Because her mother is totally blowing the chance here. Literally blowing it off. So Namie had to talk her out of her deepest thoughts.
"Uh… It's impolite to keep him waiting?"
Her mother blinked as if she only realized for once that she's keeping Namie in for long and someone was actually outside, waiting. Her mother nodded and pointed at the clock. "Don't run home late."
Namie nodded and without a word, nearly dashed out of the door. "Sorry…" she apologized as soon as she was out and she had patted the spare key on her pocket. Akashi didn't seem to mind, he only started the walk and she followed.
She made sure that she's walking a few meters away and let her eyes bore on the ground. Talking to him would make it awkward for her so she settled on reminiscing about their time before. She was a new manager for the second string and that's when she met Akashi. Not directly though.
He was only passing by and she was with the other managers, their hands around laundry baskets. One of the managers lost her balance and he caught her. Namie had been watching the scene unfold and had seen his earnest smile.
She had fallen for that smile ever since and would like to see it more.
So at times when she had the free time, she would walk to the first string and stay on the sidelines. She would watch Akashi like a hawk, memorizing his smooth features and his perfectly calculated moves during practice. Momoi had even teased her about it when she caught Namie on the stands.
Because wherever Akashi is, you'll have Namie. She would be placed meters away from him but would still be in sight if one looked closely.
It took her awhile before she realized that she liked him a lot, not just his smile but everything that made him Akashi Seijurou. Therefore, she faced the wall of her own awkwardness and came out of the dark. She started by trying to be his friend.
And her awkward attempts seemed to sort off amuse him.
Until eventually, they were close to what would be the definition of friends in her dictionary. Since she was recently moved to the first string, she was able to get the access of giving him a towel and a water bottle. He would nod a little for gratitude.
Sometimes when she needed to do something but had been too shy to ask, he would step up for her as if he knew her dilemma and would do the asking. He was kind but not the type of kind that would generally make him an actual good person. Because in Namie's thoughts, Akashi is that type of guy. Who would have tall walls barricading him that no one would ever see him under the thick layers of brick.
Not even she could do it.
That's why she felt stupid and guilty for confessing that he liked him. Because it only ruined the sort-off friendship she had with him and only ruined her chances of trying to act normal in front of him. She breathed out a long sigh but was cut short when she bumped into his back.
She immediately backtracked while covering her mouth, that was impact.
"A-Ah, I'm so sorry, Akashi-kun."
He looked at her and reached out. She immediately closed her eyes, afraid without any actual reason why. She didn't feel anything after a matter of seconds so she slightly opened her eyes. And opened them fully when it looked like he really didn't do anything.
"…"
He was looking at her, his face unreadable.
"I stopped intentionally. I should have warned you."
She shook her head. Once, twice or maybe even thrice. "No, it's fine. It's fine. I wasn't looking."
They fall to an awkward silence and he turned, looking over the passing cars. They were in a children's park with the lamp post overhead. It blinked lazily back at them as if trying not to be creepy. The wind blew softly as if soon it would give off ghost laughs from the children who played here in the morning.
Namie shifted again. Not in discomfort but as reaction to the nervous queasiness her stomach was having. She'd probably fall into a pool of goo if they don't start walking again. And her feet is really itching to move, to escape.
It's what she had been doing before she confessed. She would have night walks and think, really deeply and try to decide. Because she have no one to ask and she cannot bring herself to ask anyone either about her feelings. That's why she decided to walk and loom over the whole thing.
Until she finally decided to just forget her troubles and confess.
She can even remember it now. Akashi blinked back at her and was about to say something when he got called over back to the first string. He had his hands full everyday ever since he became the team's captain.
He told her to wait.
But she would die from self-pity if she did so she dashed home and avoided him as much as possible the next day. Why? Because she felt rejection on the edge of his words when he asked her to wait. When he apologized because he had to take the matter down first.
And she doesn't want to hear it. Because she knew that's how it would be.
Why would Akashi pay attention to someone like her? Someone who can't keep everything perfectly stable. Who would give up at the slightest chance of failure, who would mumble instead of speaking clearly and who would rather stay in the shadows than stay under the heat of people's gazes?
"Kanae-san."
She flinched at the sound of his voice and turned to his direction in reply. He doesn't look back at her. Deep inside, she knew what she's going to hear so she pushed the fear building up in her throat and let her mouth do the talking.
"I-I'm sorry, Akashi-kun," she speed talked. "I'm sorry for confessing… I know you like things to be in balance… I know it might be a bother but I…"
His hand rested on her shoulder and she stopped talking, instead she froze. And looked up at him like a child waiting for a scolding. He wore a genial smile, the one she fell in love with.
"Kanae-san."
She closed her mouth and stared back down at her shoes. Sometimes, she wished that she never existed. Sometimes, she wished she were something lighter and floating, only watching the world from a standard point of view. Not being a direct part of it and suffering from too much self-pity and embarrassment.
"I'm sorry I cannot return your feelings," he said, softly. It sounded more like a song, a soft lullaby in a night where she cannot sleep. There it goes, she was rejected however, she doesn't feel her eyes heat up in preparation for tears. She only stood there still and quiet.
He exhaled, as if in contemplation and continued. "Having said that, I know it would be unfair to even ask you for a favor but you're the only option I have."
She shook her head, once or maybe thrice. "No… it's fine, Akashi-kun. I would like to help you if you want me to."
His lips rise a little but she cannot call it a smile, it was more off grimace. He looked at her for a while and exhaled.
"Can you please remember the me that you admired?"
His statement led to confusion so she stared at him, lips slightly parted. What is he trying to ask her to do? To understand?
"You see…" there is emptiness in his voice when he said that. "A few days from now, I wouldn't be the same person. In fact, I wouldn't even pay attention to what you do."
She felt her voice and it raged wanting to voice a complaint and ask why something like that would happen. He didn't have to do that… right?
Or is this just some payment because she was thinking ahead of herself and confessed? Is this indirect karma? That she shouldn't be asking for things she cannot have?
Her feet felt the strongest urge to walk again and stop her from having these panic attacks. But she contradicted it and stayed on her place, trying to breathe calmly.
And she choked it out "Why?"
He turned away. "Everything is starting to change."
Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?
"That's why I have to ask you, Kanae-san… Can you please remember me?"
Her cheeks were wet and that's the only time she even noticed that she already cried. As for reasons, she had plenty. But she didn't acknowledge them instead she stumbled to him and wrapped her arms around his frame.
"I'm really sorry, Akashi-kun. Please forget about my confession… just don't change…please."
He doesn't embrace her back. But he isn't going to stay silent either. "It's not about that, Kanae-san."
Then what is it about?
Of all the things she cannot handle, change is one of them. And this was what she dreaded when she first went on her night walks. This… Her relationship as his sort-off friend to change.
She didn't want it to change.
"You're not answering me… Kanae-san."
She shook her head. Once or Thrice.
He exhaled and she felt his body shift from the single action. "Sometimes things are inevitable, Kanae-san."
Can she have a say in this?
"But Akashi-kun… If you… If you change… how would I…"
"I know, Kanae-san."
She felt ashamed when he said that. He knew that she was only depending on him. Because everyone listened to Akashi. Because Akashi is strong. Because Akashi can do everything so naturally as if everything is a part of him.
If he changed, she'd probably be more invisible than she was before. And she would probably quit on being a manager.
"Can't you let me rely on you… just once?"
She looked up to him. His eyes were hollow yet it looked sad in a blink of an eye. The world stilled for a while as the sentence echoed in her mind, bouncing from one wall to another. And her heart felt like it's stabbed multiple times.
"I…" she swallowed hard. He made sense. She had been relying on him for too long and this is the only time he would rely on her. And this is a request from the one she liked. Wouldn't girls—love-sick ones—normally do as told when it's the one they like asking them?
Fear started to crawl on her veins like a looming presence ready to crush her underneath its foot. She swallowed hard again and he waited, patiently. Not as if his life depended on it. Not the way she acted whenever she was asked something that she would likely refuse. He waited, because he knew what she would say. Because she had always been so transparent.
"C-Can you please ask me again?" she asked, nearly gagging the words out. She set him free and looked at him.
He let a small smile resurface. "Kanae-san, would you remember me?"
She nodded once. Thrice.
"I will, Akashi-kun."
[-]
A week had passed after their night walk and Akashi's right. He was no longer the person she knew. He was an active life force. A force who sucked in victory after victory, and every member of the Generation of Miracles were the same. They evolved. They became more bloodthirsty. They became heartless.
It was painful to watch even for someone like her who wanted watching.
Eventually, she lost it like the other members who turned up on the office to present their resignation form. She held hers tightly like her life depended on it that's why it's not a surprise when the coach winced when he received it.
"So you're quitting too?"
She opened her mouth and closed it again. Akashi told her that it was inevitable. She hated change. She's weak against change.
"I-I'm sorry, Sir."
He scoffed. Literally.
And it made Namie's knees turn jelly. Her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
"You're in Teiko High, Miss Kanae," he paused as if for dramatic effect. "And our school's motto is: Ever-victorious."
Namie nodded weakly and left the room. Yes, the basketball team was no longer a place for a weakling like her. With forming tears in her eyes, she walked through the halls that once was so familiar to her.
She glanced at the training members and remembered how she can still have some small awkward small talks with them before. Her eyes recognized them one by one until it settled at Akashi who was watching from the sidelines.
She wanted to cry at the sight of him but she kept it in until she's outside the first string gymnasium. Now she had to face the real world, something she would never want to be a part of. But she'd try to carry on like usual, try even in vain.
Because there's still some of Akashi's strength residing in her soon to be tarnished memories.
#A/N:
Phew… It's just really weird that I don't have anything up for Akashi's birthday so yeah, have something even though it would be as tragic like usual. I could only pitched this in when I realized that I haven't been updating lately. So yeah, I hope you enjoyed reading.