Prologue
Life had been anything but a walk in the park. Death was supposed to be peaceful. Having experienced both was something I wasn't ready for. It was unexpected and terrifying. A reality all too real to wrap my head around. I was torn between depression and serenity. Knowing what I had lost and learning what I'd gained. With that said, here are the facts, so to speak. Fact one, I'm dead. The kind you don't get up from. The real dead. The kind where you get buried in a casket wearing an outfit you never would have picked if you had had a choice. It was ridiculous that I was dead. I can drown and I can be killed by a vengeful spirit but I didn't think that it would actually happen. I had actually died. So, I'm in heaven. My own version of it. Fact two…the fact that I don't know. My boys? I don't know what happened to them. John? I have no idea. I can only pray that he's alive. Able to take care of his sons. Dean will need him. So will Sammy. All three of them were in the place where I died. We were all there but I'm the only one here. I'm in heaven while they linger on earth. I can feel them from time to time. I can feel them but can't place what's happening to them. I can only hope they are okay. Fact three, the demon is still on the loose and I am useless against him. I can only hope that my boys can kill him in time. It's amazing how much time I've had to think about all of it. Everything I've lost, but I've also gained. Cooper is with me. I have my dog back and that has made all the difference, I think. I've never been alone. Not only is Cooper here but Jim as well. He stops by every now and again. He's just as I remember him but he is no longer the center of my life…or my afterlife. The feelings we shared before he died didn't carry over to my heaven. There is still only one man for me and he resides on earth. So much happened in my life that now that I think about it, it wasn't as short as I had thought it to be. I met so many wonderful people. Saved them from the evil that walks the earth. I had played my part. Even though it felt like my part wasn't over. There was a feeling that was constantly in the back of my mind. Something telling me that I still had a purpose. I had something left to give. It was just going to take me a while to see it.
* * *
The demon was gone. They were momentarily safe. The man the demon was possessing was on the ground. Shocked by what he had done. Sam relaxed before leaning back against the seat.
"Dad?" He asked, weak from the accident. "Dad?" He asked more urgently. "Dean?" He asked his panic growing. "Dean!" He yelled. No one responded to him. "Evy!" He yelled. All three of them remained silent. "Evy…Dean…" He said as his eyes welled with tears.
An ambulance had been called and with it came daylight. A helicopter was heard as it came to airlift his family to the nearest hospital. Sam still remained the only one conscious as they carefully took his father, brother, and friend from the car.
"Tell me if they're okay?" Sam asked one of the paramedics who was carrying his stretcher.
"You have to stay still." She told him.
"Are they even alive?" Sam asked her.
Did I disappoint you?
Or let you down.
Should I be feeling guilty?
And let the judges frown?
From the corner of his eye he could see Evy on a stretcher. They weren't taking her to the helicopter. In fact, little was being done. His stomach turned as he witnessed them pulling a black bag from an ambulance.
"Wait…wait!" He said trying to lift himself from the stretcher. "What are they doing to her? Is she okay? Wait!" He yelled fighting against them.
"You need to stay still!" The paramedic told him.
"No! Tell me if she's okay!"
It was obvious what was happening. She wasn't moving. She was pale and the way they were looking at her. He knew she was gone.
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
"I'm sorry, Dean. I am so sorry." Sam told his brother.
"You're lying." Dean frowned at his brother.
"Dean…" Sam said with wet eyes.
"Where is she?" Dean said with his eyes closed.
"Dean…please." Sam practically whispered to him.
"Where is she?" Dean yelled leaning toward his brother.
You touched my heart.
You touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
Sam sat in the chair next to his brother's bed. "She's dead, Dean." He repeated. "I'm sorry."
"Where is she?" Dean asked for a third time. His voice calmer then before.
"I didn't have a choice. Something needed to be done." Sam told him. "I had her buried just after the accident. I made a day trip to San Diego. Figured she'd want to be there."
Dean just looked at him unbelievingly. He rested his head back against the bed, not looking at his brother. "Does dad know?" He asked. Sam nodded. "How's he doing?"
"He's taking it hard." Sam replied. "Though you're taking it better then I thought you would."
"What am I supposed to do, Sammy?" He frowned at his brother. "Do you want me to fly off the handle? Start breaking things. What do you want me to do?" He yelled, tears in his eyes. "I'm not even sure I believe you." He stated and closed his eyes, tears rolling from the corners.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
The wind blew against him as he stood in front of what remained of his life. He traced the words carved into the stone. He held a dozen roses in his hands but couldn't bear to put them down.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me.
"This can't be happening." He whispered to the stone. He knelt down, putting his hand against it. "This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I just got you back. I can't handle losing you again. Not again…"
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit – it's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me.
Remember us and all we used to be.
"I'll save you. Even if it kills me, I'll save you. I'll bring you back." He told the stone. "I was ready to spend my life with you. I was ready to be the man you needed me to be. We were so close to killing that son of a bitch. We were so close." He repeated. "I just wanted to give you everything you needed. Everything that you wanted."
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
"I was a fool once. I was ready to prove everything to you. You changed me, Evy. You made me better then I ever thought I could be. I was just a killing machine. I made the job my life. Taking women to bed without attachment. Without caring. Then I met you." He said and grinned.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine.
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
"You were nothing like I expected. I was ready to hate you. You took my dad. Made him care about you in ways I had wished he would have cared for me. But now he's gone too." He said and frowned. "I didn't want anything to do with you. But you grew on me. You made me feel things I've never felt before." He smiled and paused before his smile disappeared. "I'm not ready to let you go."
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me.
"I miss you, Evy." He said as tears welled. "I miss you so much. I didn't know I could feel this way. The pain that's eating away at me. I can't do it. I shouldn't have to do this." He said and wiped his face with his hand. "You shouldn't have been taking care of me. You should have been sitting back, your seatbelt on. I was supposed to take care of you."
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
"I see you everywhere." He said tracing her name. "I hear your voice but every time I try to go to you it turns out to be someone else. I dream about you. I can feel you and all I want is your lips against mine."
And I will bear my soul, in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
"I don't want to live without you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. The way you look at me. Your tenderness, your…" He said unable to go on. "I love you…so much." He said the wetness back in his eyes. He placed the roses against the stone.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one. You have been the one for me.
"I'll never forget you. You'll never be far from my mind." He said getting to his feet.
I'm so hollow baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow…
"I'll be seeing you. Maybe sooner then you think. I love you. I love you."
He turned away from the headstone. Sam was waiting by the car. He didn't say anything as they got back into it. They lingered only a short while longer before pulling out of the cemetery.
* * *
Flowers blown, they grow, then they die. The clouds cover the blue sky. They make shapes. Shapes that I wished I couldn't see. His face was everywhere. I couldn't escape it. Heaven was supposed to be happiness but instead it just fed off of my mind and emotions. Making me remember everything that was painful. I wanted to remember but it was so new. I didn't want to have such a strong reminder of what I had lost. A reminder of what I could no longer have. The man I loved, the life I wanted…it was all out of reach. I closed my eyes and let the feeling flow from me. Hearing his voice barely a whisper on the breeze.
"I love you too." I whispered and opened my eyes. A new wave of perfectly bloomed flowers in front of me.