A/N:

Warnings: Mention of canonical rape and assault. Some adult language and situations, including limited violence.

Prompt:
California Kat provided several prompts; this story combines elements from three of them.
● I love a good "what if" related to an iconic moment in the books or show—where events are twisted in Eric and Sookie's favor.
● Sookie doesn't use the cluviel dor for Sam.
● Any story where Sookie is smarter.

Title is a line from a poem by Brenda Hillman. Thanks to MagpieTales for giving it a beta read. Characters belong to Charlaine Harris.

Diverges from the books midway through Chapter 13 of Dead Reckoning.

After the night I'd had—planning Victor's death, hearing Eric insist he couldn't ignore his maker's contract with Freyda, and rehashing it all with my ex-boyfriend Bill—I didn't feel a bit bad for sleeping until noon on Friday. I cleaned the house for a while in case I survived the night and had to host Tara's baby shower tomorrow, but I just couldn't throw myself into scrubbing like I normally would. The thought crossed my mind to leave instructions in case I died and my friends carried on with the shower at my house anyway. That's when I realized I must be in some kind of shock from everything that had happened.

Knowing I wasn't thinking clearly didn't deter me from making a big financial decision. While I was setting out the last of the supplies I'd need to decorate tomorrow, I thought about my newfound financial comfort and decided to share my good fortune. It was possible I'd have no use for the money anyway. I drove over to Merlotte's and refused to leave until Sam accepted the sizable check I'd written to keep the bar afloat. I made sure he knew to deposit it today. I didn't want there to be any complications if I didn't make it to tomorrow.

I wasn't in the mood for company, and to my dismay Dermot was at my house when I got back. I really wasn't interested in his comments about which of my family photos actually featured my half-fairy grandfather posing as Gran's husband—possibly without her knowledge. I eventually relegated my meddlesome cousin to his work in the attic, insisting I had my own work to do.

Feeling utterly fatalistic about this evening, I distracted myself with a task I hated—checking my email. There was no reason for me to be so bad at keeping up with it, I just was. I found twenty new messages waiting for me including one from Mr. Cataliades about the cluviel dor. "Think once, and twice, and three times before you expend its energy," he'd written. "You can change the world, you know."

The demon lawyer cautioned me that use of the fairy love token could have "unexpected repercussions in history." I don't know why the supernatural creatures around me had to speak in riddles, but I took to heart his cautions about using the precious object left to me by Gran. The message I read next from Amelia reinforced that caution. The witch—who I was still on the outs with—had added to my knowledge that the wish had to be personal.

I carefully considered what Mr. Cataliades and Amelia had to say about the tremendous potential of my fairy love token. Deciding how to use it seemed to be a serious responsibility. With a few hours to go before I needed to be at Fangtasia, I logged out of my email to give the matter consideration, pen and paper ready for listing my options. I felt like I owed it to Gran to think this through considering all the times she could have helped herself by using the cluviel dor instead of leaving it for me.

The one thing I kept coming back to was the wish to be rid of my telepathy. It had caused me so much hurt throughout my life and kept me from pursuing an education. Being free of the endless chatter and meanness in people's minds had been a dream my entire life. There had been times when my curse had helped me survive, but I was convinced I wouldn't have needed saving in the first place if it hadn't been for my telepathy. Bill would have never been sent for me. Maybe I never would have been on the supe radar at all. Maybe I could drop off of it again if I were no longer useful to them. I tried not to think about whether they might decide I knew too much about their world to live if I couldn't read minds for them anymore.

Of course I considered other options. I could wish Victor, Felipe, and Freyda all dead. I could wish Eric out of all his troubles, but that felt like cheating. The uncharitable part of me thought if he truly wanted out of his maker's arrangement he could have managed it on his own. I thought the fact he hadn't fixed it already was a reflection of how much he cared about me—or didn't. Maybe it wasn't reasonable, but neither was our situation.

I could wish I'd never broken the bond with Eric, but I thought that might just cause us both more pain. I didn't want to feel him as he spent night after night with his new wife. I had too much stubborn pride to want him feeling my misery as he went away.

Eric and I had more issues than a wish could fix, so I considered other options. I could try to take Hunter's telepathy away. That could make a massive difference in my little cousin's life. I decided against this option and tried to ignore the part of my brain that said I was making a selfish decision. As much as I suffered as a child due to my telepathy, it didn't seem ethical to take his away without talking to him about it first and I would want to do that in person. Which of course I couldn't do for at least another couple of days, assuming I survived the night. A niggling part of me felt I shouldn't wait that long to use the cluviel dor.

I could wish away all the bad things that ever happened, but who knew what new and terrible things might take their place? I thought about the possible consequences of a wish that nothing could harm me ever again—what if it resulted in my being too dangerous to be around others? Hell, knowing my luck I'd probably turn into something with no body. Maybe I'd be a ghost and get stuck haunting the cemetery by my house for all eternity.

The passing thought of ghosts made me wonder if I could bring back my parents or Gran. I almost threw up as I considered the notion. If they were here now they'd only be used as leverage against me. Despite my association with vampires, it seemed wrong to bring anyone back from the dead. Besides, who knew how that wish would be carried out? Having met Bubba and Alexei, I had to consider they might not come back normal.

For a brief moment, I considered a wish to give myself additional powers. I had always seen my telepathy as a curse but I confess I thought about wishing for super strength, or full fairy powers, or to be queen of all supes so everyone would have to do what I said. This line of thought became increasingly ridiculous—I could fly! Or shoot flames from my hands! After a fit of slightly unhinged laughter, I gave up on my increasingly bad ideas. I'm ashamed to say I stopped brainstorming before I ever considered using my wish to help Pam or my brother Jason.

Making this potentially life-changing decision was very hard. In some ways I wished I'd been forced by circumstance to use the cluviel dor when I couldn't stop to think. Maybe if I'd seen sudden violence, like a car accident. I hated the idea that I might always regret whatever choice I made. If my hand were forced, I wouldn't have to agonize over my decision any more or take responsibility for the consequences of taking fate into my own hands.

I tried to shake off the gloom I felt. Whether it was the magic used to break the bond or the missing bond itself, I hadn't felt right since I severed my connection to Eric. And now he would be leaving me for another woman, a vampire Queen. It was just all so hard. I felt like I hadn't had a break since the night Bill first walked into Merlotte's.

But Gran hadn't raised me to expect things to be easy. Everything was really hard right now, and I needed to respect the opportunity she had left to me by taking time to make the best possible decision. The problem was, I didn't know if I had any more time than this night. No matter how long I deliberated, I kept coming back to the one thing I had always longed for—more than family, more than love—not being telepathic.

Decision made, I clutched the cluviel dor to my heart and prepared to state my wish. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if the events of this night would make me regret this wish later depending on how things turned out. While I was waffling, an alarm I'd set earlier in the day to keep me on track began blaring in my bedroom. It was time to leave for Fangtasia.

I stood there fixing to go ahead with my wish, despite an overwhelming sense of foreboding. Eyes clenched tight and clutching the special disk to my heart, I whispered aloud, "I wish to no longer be a telepath." A shockwave rebounded against my chest and I doubled over from pain and nausea. I'm not proud of the stream of swears that escaped me, including a few colorful phrases I'd learned from Pam. It was a sickening combination of a kick in the stomach and the stay away magic I'd felt outside Club Dead.

Despite my physical response, I had no way of knowing if the wish worked until I could be around others to test it. The cluviel dor still seemed to emit warmth when I ran a finger across it, the same as it did before. Just in case, I tucked the smooth green disk into my purse, no longer willing to leave it unguarded in a house shared by fairies. If I survived the night I'd have to think seriously about whether Claude and Dermot had been around for me or because of this powerful fairy love token.

I drove toward Fangtasia and tried to focus on the very dangerous task at hand. Tonight we would try to kill Victor. If by some miracle we succeeded and went unpunished, Eric and I would still have to face a host of seemingly insurmountable problems. I pulled around to park behind the vampire bar but could not seem to get my head on straight about the plan I had largely created. I felt like I was constantly hurtling between disasters, and I wished I'd had more time to stop and catch my breath.

Reflexively trying to send out my special sense to the dark parking lot around me, I instantly knew my earlier wish had failed. The thoughts of two humans parked nearby felt louder than ever because I was so disappointed. Maybe I was wrong to ever want to wish away a part of myself, but I grieved a bit as I gave up hope of ever being "normal." I allowed myself a moment of self-pity then did my best to shake it off, knowing I didn't have time to sit around feeling sorry for myself.

In a sudden moment of complete clarity like I'd only read about in novels, I knew what my new wish should be. A wave of excitement and hope washed over me. More time. I felt like something clicked into place inside me. I hadn't seriously considered time travel as an option for the cluviel dor, except for a passing thought about going back before I ever met Bill. I hadn't wanted to deal with Sophie Anne and Andre all over again. I also wasn't convinced I could survive going through it a second time.

But what if I didn't go back far? I recalled the time turner in a Harry Potter volume I'd recently read and wondered if I could use the cluviel dor to a similar effect—to give myself just enough time to work out the serious problems facing us and right some wrongs. Maybe if I had more than a night to plan, I could do a better job of working through the problems with Victor, Felipe, and Freyda...and my relationship issues with Eric. I knew it was a waste to use the wish on killing our current enemies outright—I knew from experience more would just pop up in their places. But I could buy some time to maneuver us into a better position instead of having my hand constantly forced by the rapid onslaught of disasters.

I sat in my car clutching the troublesome object while hurriedly contemplating my options. I thought about what I needed to be sure of in order to actually make use of more time, and how to phrase my wish for what amounted to an extension on a very high-stakes test (pun intended). I was sure with a little more time I could work out a better solution to my troubles than what was before me now. If I just walked in the door of Fangtasia tonight and we killed Victor, I had a very strong feeling I would not like what happened to me next.

I closed my eyes once more and very carefully made my wish. I opened them when I felt the magic discharge and immediately recognized the difference from earlier. With no shock of pain this time, a soft green light and comforting feeling surrounded me where I sat. In an instant the cluviel dor had become nothing more than a cold disk but I didn't yet see any other changes. Since I was still in my car at Fangtasia instead of back at my house, I knew I hadn't simply gone back a night. I had no idea how my wish would play out, so for now I had to carry on as planned. I got out of the car and walked to the back door of Fangtasia. Perhaps I'd get inside and find Victor's visit had been delayed.

As expected the employee door was unlocked and I strode inside as I'd done many times, bracing myself in case we still had to kill Victor despite my precisely worded wish. What I never expected was to have my shoulders grabbed forcefully by the vampire who'd just sped in front of me. Shocked when I recognized who held me, I stammered "Long Shadow?"

The stringy-haired vampire shoved me against the wall in the small hallway and dropped fang right in my face. "Who are you?" he demanded, shaking me a little. I wasn't sure how my wish had brought him here without his remembering me, but I quickly realized that understanding Long Shadow was not what I needed to be doing at that moment. Trying not to wince as his grip bruised my arms, I held my voice steady. "I need to see your Sheriff, Eric Northman."

Long Shadow yanked me forward just to bounce me off the wall again. "What are you!" He didn't give me time to answer before I was against the wall with his hand on my throat and his fangs roughly grazing my neck. While I still could I shouted "Eric!" and I felt tremendous relief as the thousand year old vampire sped into the space near us.

My reassurance at Eric's presence was short-lived, as he didn't do a thing to stop Long Shadow's assault on me. The latter had pulled away from my throat when Eric arrived, but I wasn't sure his restraint would continue. I was frozen against the wall, and I felt a drop of blood slide down my neck where Long Shadow's fangs had scraped me.

Eric suddenly had laser-like focus on my neck and I realized what a dangerous situation I was in. I wondered if using the cluviel dor had left fairy magic smell on me, because the two vampires were eyeing me with the dangerous hunger of predators. Although it felt like we were frozen there for an eternity, only seconds had passed when Eric finally ordered his bartender to drop me.

Long Shadow thankfully complied—although I could tell he wasn't happy about it. In no time at all, I found myself dumped on the leather couch in Eric's office with a very large Viking vampire standing over me menacingly. I was speechless, still uncertain what was happening, and his face offered no clues. I was stunned by the coldness in Eric's expression, in his body language. I hadn't seen Eric like this in quite some time, and it was then I realized just how much he had changed in the short years we'd known each other. Whatever had happened, this clearly wasn't my Eric. This Eric was looking at me with an icy menace that made my spine shiver.

Despite my wish for more time, I was no longer certain I would make it out of Eric's office alive. I was glad when he moved behind his desk, putting it between the two of us, his large hands clutching the heavy wooden edges hard enough to make them groan. His eyes never left mine as he questioned me, fangs showing, "Why are you here, fairy? Who has sent you?"

I couldn't understand why Eric didn't seem to know me. That lasted until I noticed the calendar stuck to the wall behind him—it was set on June 2004. The month Bill first walked into Merlotte's. The month I first met Eric.

Fuck a zombie.

Despite my careful thought and best efforts, I had gone back to the time I thought of as my entry into the supernatural world. I knew enough about Eric to realize I had to act quickly and smartly to ensure my safety. I couldn't get lost in thought while a lethal creature with no knowledge of me was in the room. I tried to infuse my voice with soothing calm. "Eric, I'm Sookie Stackhouse. I promise I'll tell you everything, but I have some ground rules first."

Eric's grip on the desk must have tightened because I heard a loud crack and watched the wood crumble in his hands. It was going to be a long night.