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Gabrielle is hungry. I mean really hungry! And gets blind drunk!
Gabrielle & Xena are in Phoridus on the coast of Greece on the Aegean Sea. There they find, much to Gabrielle's delight, an Inn serving all kinds of seafood. She dives into the menu with girlish glee, much to Xena's consternation.
For *'s see notes at end of story.
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Disclaimer: MCA/Universal/RenPics own all copyrights to everything related to Xena: Warrior Princess and I have no rights to them.
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'Gabrielle at the Seafood Inn'
"I'm feeling peckish!"
Oh no!, Xena thought, not here, please!
"What did you say, darling?" Gabrielle's long red hair fluttered in the breeze and she put up a hand to brush the erring tresses back from her neck.
"Nothing, dearest!" Xena knew when to prevaricate. "Hungry! Well, there's a great place a few streets away where they serve a wonderful steak! Let's go—"
"Here!"
Although the late afternoon sun wasn't doing it any favours Gabrielle looked appreciatively at the dingy front of the decrepit Inn in this run-down back-street where some curious, not to say odorous, characters were entering and leaving its narrow doorway.
"This place?" Xena tried one last gasp; based on its appearance. But she knew Gabrielle wouldn't entertain her argument for a moment! "It's just a sailor's drinking den. They don't cater to the euporoi* here, just the hoi polloi*!"
"Hoi polloi! That's us, Xena! Let's go! Dinner-time!" Gabrielle pushed aside a weaving sailor making his somewhat erratic exit and disappeared into the dark interior. Xena raised her eyes to the heavens then, with a shrug of her shoulders, followed her intrepid friend.
The dim interior revealed a long wide room with doors at the far end through which came, in equal measure, numbers of servants of both sexes and a variety of aromas which fought for dominance in the spectator's nostrils. Gabrielle had already found a table by the wall and was happily beckoning for service. Xena joined her, not without staring around at her surroundings and the mix of customers slowly making themselves felt both to eye and nose as she became accustomed to the gloom.
"Ya picked a great place for dinner, Gabrielle!"
"Wonderful, ain't it, Xena!" Gabrielle was contentedly staring around at the various dishes being enthusiastically devoured all around. "Nothing like good traditional food served like it should be!"
A serving-man in a greasy apron arrived and stood over the two expectant women. He was in his early thirties with an easy, seen-it-all, demeanour.
"What'll it be, ladies?"
"What'cha got?" Gabrielle revelled in the possibilities of the menu. "I'm a seafood kinda gal! And so's my friend here!"
"Urr—" Was the only reply on the man's side to this conversational gambit. But it served to launch him into an obviously well-memorised routine. "We got winkles, periwinkles, mussels, fish-eggs, turbot, salmon, herring. Various sauces. Chicken gizzards fried in pig's-fat. Loin of goat. Every cut of pork or beef. Porpoise steaks, shark steaks, whale steaks, whiting in cream sauce; herring in pepper sauce; octopus raw; octopus fried; oysters raw; oysters cooked; sardines, any way at all; scallops; jellied eels; eel-pie; squid; squid cooked; squid in black sauce (he paused to favour the two customers with a proud glance) our speciality! And 17 other varieties of fish; done any way the customer requires. Vegetables—corn, onions, olives, lettuce, turnip, 9 kinds of beans; cabbage, kail, various herbs. Any meat or fish hashed to order and taste! Wine and ale to order. Whad'cha want?"
Gabrielle grinned with sheer pleasure. Xena felt sick!
"OK! Let's see." The Bard was in her element. "I'll start with a few mussels. Boiled and served in red pepper sauce. Then a small bowl of those black salty fish-eggs. Maybe you'll take some too, Xena?"
Xena shook her head, emphatically.
"—then your speciality!"
"Squid; chopped, boiled, and served in black ink sauce!" The waiting man nodded, as if agreeing with a sage choice.
"Yup! And after that I thiiiink—yes, a porpoise steak. Fry it hard, till it starts to singe, and serve with mashed turnip."
"Wine or ale?"
"Ale, thanks."
"Mug—tankard—quart flagon?"
"In a bucket, if you can!" Gabrielle laughed, making Xena wince and glance around to see if anyone at the nearby tables was listening.
"And you, madam?"
"Oh, er—!" Xena shrugged her shoulders, not feeling particularly hungry.
"Come on! Ya gotta eat something." Gabrielle put out her hand and grasped Xena's arm, looking at her with a grin.
"I suppose—a beefsteak." The Warrior Princess gave in at the light in those green eyes. "Thick; fried hot, hard, and quick—so it's nearly raw inside!"
"Got it!" The servant was busy scribbling on a flat wax tablet with a short stylus. "Boiled mussels in two minutes, ma'am! Your steak in ten minutes, ma'am. Served with ?"
"Oh! I don't know. Anything!"
"Red beans in pepper sauce," Gabrielle broke in knowledgeably. "and creamed corn. You'll love it, Xena!"
As the serving-man left on his mission Gabrielle looked inquisitively about the many tables and customers in the low raftered room.
"Look there, Xena." She giggled, gripping her friend's wrist tightly. "Just to your left, two tables away. She's eating the squid."
As if impelled by an exterior force Xena found herself turning in her chair and a few seconds later had focussed on the table in question. Hurriedly she turned back again and sat speechlessly, looking Gabrielle in the eye with what she hoped was a disappointed expression: she wasn't capable of words. But in the gloom the red-haired girl obviously missed the significance of her friend's stare and contentedly rambled on, regardless.
"Quite a mix of customers Xena, eh! I mean, look! There's fishermen; shop-women; ordinary couples. It's a busy place. Says a lot for its reputation! This is great!"
"Here comes the wine." Xena spoke with relief as the goblets and tankards were set down by an efficient looking woman.
"Your food won't be long, dears. Anything else you want?"
"Naw. We're fine, thanks." Gabrielle sipped her ale experimentally; then raised the large tankard with both hands and took a long deep pull.
"Ah! Gods! I needed that!" She set the vessel down on the board in front of her and sat back, easing her shoulders with a grunt of pleasure. "Nothing like a great meal and great drink in great surroundings. I could learn to love this place, Xena! How long are we staying in Phoridus?"
"3 weeks." Xena tried not to roll her eyes, glad of the shadows. "Maybe!"
"Nice long holiday. Nothing like it!"
Xena nodded, somewhat tardily, in agreement.
"How's the wine?"
Xena looked at her goblet. There was a flagon beside it which she raised to pour out a measure of dark red wine. Sipping this she was pleasantly surprised.
"It ain't bad, Gabrielle! Pretty good!"
"There! You see!" Her partner leaned both elbows on the table and rested her chin on folded hands. "Good wine. Great ale. The food'll be delicious. Then we amble back to our room in the twilight and lay down in bed for the evening to digest it and—whatnot!"
"Whatnot!" Xena was intrigued, smiling slyly at her companion. "Do we have to have the food to have the whatnot?"
Gabrielle looked at her warrior lover for a few seconds, then laughed again.
"Food before Whatnot, Warrior Princess! No food—no whatnot! Got it?"
"Got it!" Xena affected a sorrowful tone but Gabrielle only sniggered impolitely.
A moment later the serving-man returned to place a deep bowl before Gabrielle, then disappeared towards the kitchens again. The bowl was filled to the brim with a deep red broth amongst which the black shells of numerous mussels floated. There was a rich aroma of peppers as Gabrielle raised the spoon and small knife she had taken from the cutlery plate on the table.
She deftly captured one of the dark molluscs in her spoon then slid the short knife into the seam between the shells. At this point she came up against some difficulty as the blade; through excessive use, had worn somewhat blunt. After a minute it was evident that its days of opening mussels were clearly in the past; but Gabrielle was equal to the crisis.
"This ain't any good." Gabrielle dumped the recalcitrant cutlery and leaned down under the table to scrabble in the bag lying by her feet, and to Xena's surprise rose into view once more with a dagger in her hand.
"That's one of our camp-knives, Gabrielle!"
"Yeah! This'll do the trick! Always come prepared! Someone oughta make a motto of that, eh, Princess!" Gabrielle began levering at the fragrant shells once more. This time success was on her side and she raised a pale lump of flesh, steaming gently, to her mouth and bit into it with evident delight.
"Ummm! Xena, you don't know what you're missing!"
Xena forbore to reply as her companion dove back into the steaming bowl with knife and spoon.
While she was debating inwardly how to keep a conversation going in such trying circumstances as the juice dripped down Gabrielle's chin onto the table, she was rescued by the arrival of the serving-man once more, heavily laden.
"One beefsteak, with vegetables. More wine. Enjoy it, lady!"
Glancing down at the heaped plate Xena was taken by the colourful contents. The steak was large and well cooked. Black; almost charred, and the vegetables made a contrast with red beans and a healthy helping of thick creamed corn. Suddenly she felt hungry after all.
"That's right, Xena! Get stuck in, girl! The beef of old Greece! Nothing like it for raising warriors!"
"Gabrielle! Give it a rest!" Xena looked at her companion with a frown. "That's great coming from someone with grease dripping down her chin!"
Gabrielle wiped her chin with the back of her hand and started operations on the last mussel.
"Gods! These are great. I love seafood!"
"Well, you'd better hurry. Your next course is on its way."
Gabrielle looked in the direction Xena had inclined her head and, sure enough, the serving-woman was returning with another bowl.
"Gosh! They don't give you long to eat, do they!" Gabrielle slurped at the last mussel shell. "I can see I'll need to speed things up, here!"
With gay abandon she tossed the empty shell over her shoulder, taking no notice of the sharp cry from the customer behind whose tunic it bounced off. Clearly, in her mind, it was every diner for themselves in a rough world!
"Ah! Fish-eggs! Black one's. They're the best. Did you know that, Xena?"
"Don't like 'em."
"All the more for me." Gabrielle smirked without a trace of care about her friend's tastes. "A whole bowl-full, all to myself. So, this is what the Elysian Fields will be like!"
"Ha!" Xena snorted, a spoonful of corn nearly going down the wrong way. "As if you had any chance! I like your confidence. More likely one of the less draughty corners of Tartarus for you!"
"Peuwph!" Gabrielle was too interested in chomping down on a mouthful of the delicacy to afford her friend much attention. It was clear from her expression that the fish-eggs met every expectation. She only paused for another pull on her tankard of ale before diving into the bowl again, with girlish elation.
"Gabrielle! For goodness sake!" Xena was beginning to feel like a mother out for the day with a particularly recalcitrant off-spring. "Now the eggs are dripping down your chin. There's nearly as much food on the table in front of you as you've eaten. Grace! Poise! Ladylike manners!"
"Never heard of 'em!" The golden haired cohort of the warrior hardly paused for breath as she dug further into the bowl of slightly greasy black eggs. "Eat first. Manners later! How's the steak? D'y like the creamed corn?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it's fine." The warrior looked once more at her friend, now busily drinking; the tankard's bottom pointing up to the ceiling. Xena tried a little sarcasm. "Sure you have enough ale?"
"Nah, not really." Her bosom friend replied unconcernedly. "There's half a tankard in the flagon, yet. Then I'm changing to the red wine! Squid, you know!"
Xena had been trying to put this aspect of the meal out of her mind and pursed her lips with something less than delight at the reminder. The horror was still to come!
"Gods! You're hungry!" The warrior Princess shook her head as Gabrielle continued mining operations on the bowl of fish-eggs. "Anyone'd think you'd been starving in the desert for a month; instead of taking a short, well-provisioned stroll in the hills!"
"I'm a healthy girl, Xena." The red tresses were casually thrown back from her now glowing face; a slight increase in complexion serving to highlight deep green eyes, reflecting sparks from a candle on the table-end.
For an instant a shiver flickered through Xena's soul before she focussed again on the young woman. As she looked Gabrielle nonchalantly wiped at a splash of eggs that had dropped onto her green top, some landing on her soft skin. Xena watched hypnotised as she used a finger to wipe them off then transfer them, with relish, to open lips. Catching an amused glance from her companion Xena hurriedly bent over her steak again.
The meat was, indeed, wonderfully cooked and Xena spent a couple of minutes dealing with it as a hungry growing warrior should. When next she looked up from her plate, after a companionable silence broken only by the scrape of cutlery on metal, Gabrielle had pushed the now empty bowl aside while she gazed longingly towards the doors hiding the kitchens.
"What's next on the menu?" Xena growled with amusement.
"The big event, Warrior Princess!" Gabrielle favoured her loved one with a broad grin. "If ever a ruthless, unafraid fighter wanted to run away; now's the time! The squid should be arriving momentarily!"
"Yeugh!" Xena couldn't keep her distress hidden any longer. Tentacles; she thought; and squirming arms; and black ink! "Gabrielle. Is it really necess—"
"Yep! It is!" The Bard was unashamed, nodding at Xena with determination. "Squid is just the most delicious, tasty, gorgeous sea-food there could possibly be, Xena! And I'm going to enjoy every mouthful!"
"Enjoy!"
"Yep! That's the word." The Amazon Queen smiled in anticipation; reaching over to grasp her friend's wrist. As this made Xena suspend work on the remnants of her steak she had to take note of her companion. "Yesterday, squirming around in the sea; or whatever it is they do for a living. Today, a delicious concoction for the delight of deserving, hard-worked warrior's side-kick's! But don't worry; I still have my porpoise steak to go! Dig into that creamed corn, Xena! It's good for you. We'll be here a while, yet!"
And, indeed, hard on these words of warning, the serving-man re-appeared from the dark environs where these things were concocted bearing a steaming tray. As he laid this on the table Xena had a bird's eye view. First he placed a flat high-rimmed plate with the cooked squid before its almost drooling recipient. Then he took a deep bowl of a dark liquid with; Xena couldn't help noticing, a very peculiar aroma and poured a generous helping over the plate's contents. Taking another dish he used a small skewer to lift some crinkly green-purple cabbage-like leaves onto her plate beside the squid.
"Squid in black ink, with kail done in cider. A flagon of red wine from Attica. Please enjoy, madam! Can I get you some more steak or corn, lady?"
"Some olives, walnuts and cream!" Gabrielle spoke before her soul mate could re-act. "Warriors need a dessert; just like little girls! Besides, you can have fun throwing the nutshells at people while I deal with the main course!"
As Xena had long realised, resistance was futile. The man took her steak plate and piled it onto his tray before heading off into the shadows once more. With a purr of contentment Gabrielle started operations with her trusty knife on the contents of her plate.
Xena was distracted at this point by a slight disturbance on the far side of the room. Nothing serious; not like many altercations she had experienced in low dens across the country, but interesting all the same.
"What'dya mean? I can't keep my wine down?" A heavy-set long-haired man, barely visible in the shadowy room, rose from his chair to reprimand an unseen companion. Something quiet and potentially soothing was muttered by this invisible, but clearly diplomatic, acquaintance.
"Well! That's all very well, bu—"
Again the low mutter of comforting words came to Xena's ear and she watched as the man leaned over his table, clearly listening groggily as he swayed on his feet.
"A'right, then. Just do—don't say things like that again, eh! Or I might have to—" As he spoke he pulled a hand up from his waist gripping a small knife.
Xena laid her palms on the table but before she could rise a hand gripped her's and a soft voice whispered in her ear.
"Take no notice. He doesn't mean any harm. His friend'll have him under control in a second. Let 'em alone."
As Xena glanced from the hand, with its silver wrist ornament, holding her arm, to the incident across the room she saw the drunk man indeed lower his weapon and somewhat sheepishly resume his seat. A few customers who had turned in his direction now lost interest and went back to their own affairs. Xena glanced again at Gabrielle but she too was again deep in the intricacies of eating squid; apparently without a care in the world. Not for the first time Xena realised her friend had an uncommon knack of judging people's characters.
Xena jumped nervously as the serving-man appeared unannounced at her elbow, once more.
"Olives, walnuts and cream, lady. And another flagon of red wine; same as 'ers!" Then he disappeared into the darkness again.
"Mmm, looks good." Gabrielle spoke appreciatively; taking a short break. "Dig in; and don't forget, if anyone throws nutshells back, it's entirely your own fault!"
"Gabrielle! I'm not going to amuse myself throwing nuts at the customers. However much you want me to!"
"Oh, well, pleathe you'seff—" Came the muffled reply.
Twisting on the low bench Xena looked at her friend, only to be met with a frightening sight. Dribbling down her chin was a veritable river of black liquid; while protruding from the right corner of her mouth was a long thin tentacle quivering and twitching, as Gabrielle used her tongue to retrieve it, in an almost lifelike manner. Horrified, Xena hurriedly turned away and started stirring her plate of olives and cream-covered walnuts. A delicacy which had suddenly lost most of its appeal.
For the next minute horror, like a demon from Tartarus, couched at Xena's left shoulder. She was too distressed to look, but from the slurping noises and quiet whimpers of delight it was evident that the grotesque dish met with Gabrielle's full approval. Xena felt something stirring in her stomach and wished she hadn't partaken quite so enthusiastically of the beefsteak and beans.
She took a pull at her tankard and was somewhat refreshed by the rough fruity wine. She reached a long arm across the table to collar the flagon for a refill but not before a cry for assistance from her friend in need.
"Me too! Refill! Right to the top, Xena. No skylights this evening, girl! I'm going to drink; and I'm going to drink deep! Fill 'er up!"
With visions of carrying the small form of her lover over a shoulder back to their Inn that evening; and trying not to catch a glimpse of her friend's plate, Xena did as requested. Normally she might have questioned Gabrielle's drinking but this evening, clearly, was a special occasion.
"Mmmm. This is so good, Xena!" Gabrielle was clearly entranced by the quality of the dish in question, and felt moved to include her friend in the celebrations. "You don't know what you're missing!"
"I do, Gab. And I intend to go on missing it!" Xena crunched a nut between her teeth with grim severity; hoping to show her companion the state of her feelings. But Gabrielle just went on scooping unnameable things from her bowl and shovelling them into her mouth with, in Xena's eyes, wholly unnecessary glee. Xena hoped it would all be over soon.
There was a general hum of conversation and movement all round them as the other customers in the Inn went about their own meals, but all the same Xena was caught unawares for the second time that evening when the serving-man materialised at her side once again. She turned to him with the thought that he would have made a great scout in an army.
"Would you like some cheese to finish with, lady?" He had another tray ready in his arm, but spoke with a calm detachment that Xena, at the moment, was far from feeling herself. "We have all sorts. Cream cheese from Boeotia. Goat's cheese from Attica. White cheese from Euboea. A lovely crumbly cheese from Thessaly. Or perhaps you would prefer some dark honey from the clover fields of Lesbos? A delicacy especially imported by the management, lady!"
Xena contemplated the man for a few seconds, wondering if the small hole in a tooth that had been troubling her for a few days would stand for such a sweet surprise; but sadly thought better of it.
"White cheese, thanks."
"Your porpoise steak will be arriving in a moment, ma'am."
"I'm ready for it." Gabrielle shook her golden locks gleefully. "Bring it on! I'm finished with the squid. Hey! Can you tell the cook that was the best squid I've tasted since leaving Athens!"
"She will be delighted to know, ma'am." He exited silently, leaving not a trace behind. Xena was impressed.
"Aurrrh! That was good! I mean, that was good!" Gabrielle was certainly happy with her meal so far. And even happier as a result of the enormous amounts of ale and wine she was imbibing. Like a leaking water cistern, Xena thought unkindly.
"So the squid is no more! Thank the Gods!"
"Ha! For today, Warrior Princess!" Her friend sniggered unashamedly as she raised the winecup to drain its contents once more; the tips of her fingers now stained black by traces of squid ink. "But we're here for weeks an' weeks an' weeks. Just think of the amount of sea-foo' I can put away in tha' time. Eh? Eh?"
"Are you drunk already, Gabrielle?"
"Nah!" The game Amazon shook her head, making her long red hair swirl like a sea-wave; to Xena's infinite enchantment. "Jus' happy. You gotta be happy to eat a porpoi' steak, honey! Didn'cha know tha'?"
"Maybe if yah cut back on the wine and just ate the fish, darling!"
But Gabrielle was concentrating her thoughts on the wine flagon which seemed to have emigrated to a curiously distant part of the tabletop. Raising herself from the bench she leaned over to grab it before it made its getaway completely.
"Got'cha!" She ignored the words of the Warrior on her right as she once more filled her tankard till the wine flowed over the top and began to pool on the bare table. Xena sighed, but left her alone.
"Here it comes! Here it comes!" Gabrielle was, Xena calculated, nearly half-seas over, and another few minutes would see the process complete. She had never seen Gabrielle in a right-out drunken haze before and found herself wondering if she would be more trouble and danger to herself or the customers around her. Xena seriously began wondering about the efficacy of using a nerve pinch that rendered one unconscious for half an hour: but finally threw the idea away. After all, it was Gabrielle! One had to have limits somewhere; she tried to appease her conscience.
This time the serving-man had made his approach from the main alley between the closely grouped tables leading from the kitchens and Xena had seen him from a distance.
"Here we are, ma'am. One porpoise steak, nicely grilled on iron bars till it's nearly frazzled! With a side order of mashed turnip. Enjoy! More wine, ma'am?"
Before Xena could refuse Gabrielle had raised an arm to grab the flagon, setting it down tenderly by her side; though on the other side from Xena!
"My frien'!" Gabrielle's speech was becoming more garbled by the minute and Xena wondered if she was actually going to be able to finish her latest course. "My won'erful red frien'. Thish my frien' Xen'. You wan' some? Wan some? You gotta fight me. Warrior woman! Fi' me. Not gonna surrender wi'out a fi'. We Amazons never sur—never surren—never su—"
Gabrielle looked mistily at the plate on the table in front of her for a moment; glanced at her friend beside her; then looked again, with drooping eyes, at the table. For a moment she paused; clearly having lost contact with the present world, then her head gently leaned over and lay on the bare wood beside the plate of untouched porpoise steak. A gentle snore told that the plate of fish was destined to remain but a dream. Gabrielle had gone bye-bye.
Xena sighed. Taking a handful of drachmas from her pouch she placed these in the serving-man's hand. She smiled wordlessly at him; after all, there was nothing to say. Then, in one swift easy movement, threw the motionless body of her loved one over her left shoulder and made for the exit with as much dignity as was ever possible in such circumstances.
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Gabrielle woke next morning with a dark faintly metallic taste in her mouth and the sound of early birds in her ears. They, unlike her, had risen with the dawn and were merrily singing panegyrics to the new day. She wished they wouldn't.
"Xena!"
"Yeah?"
"Those birds out there!"
"What about 'em, beloved?"
"They're singing! Stop 'em! Please!"
"How can I do that, Ga—"
"You've got your chakram handy?" Gabrielle was clearly not in a mood to take any prisoners in her search for peace."Well! Do your thing!"
"Great Athena's Sword! I can't work miracles! Birds sing! That's what they do!"
"I'm suffering here, Xena!"
"Well, suffer!" Xena was wholly unsympathetic. "You drank like a fish yesterday. What a spectacle you made of yourself! I was embarrassed for us! Now you've got a head like a Harpy, today! It's called Fate, Gabrielle! I bet the Moirae* have had you pencilled in their schedule for the last 6 months!"
"Ohhh!" Gabrielle groaned dismally and pulled the blanket further over her head. "I hate Warrior Princess's!"
"I'm going into the yard to do some morning exercises," The lady in question remained unruffled. "then, I think, a swim in the river."
As Xena neared the door a badly aimed boot whizzed past her ear and bounced on the door-frame; but Xena was unimpressed.
"If you didn't have a hangover like a Satyr after Pan's birthday you might have hit me with that!"
As Xena left, leaving the door open, Gabrielle put her head above the blanket and snarled something descriptive, Archaically Greek, and wholly vulgar. But her audience was already halfway down the corridor sniggering to herself.
Gabrielle lay clutching her temples, praying for her aching head to clear; but even the Gods, apparently, were pursing their lips in disapproval and pretending not to hear. What few brain cells were functioning told Gabrielle that it was going to be a long morning for Amazon Queens.
She groaned again!
The End
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Notes—
1. Euporoi-'Have plenty's' i.e., comfortably off.
2. Hoi Polloi-'the majority of ordinary people'.
3. Moirae. The Fates.
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