A brief warning before you commence with the story: some of the actions of the characters may be OOC as I no longer watch as much CSI:NY as I used to, particularly following Stella leaving. But this plot bunny just would not let me be and so I felt I had to write it. I should also mention that there is some content in this story which some readers may find distressing, particularly in the later chapters.

And with that done; now it is time to begin...

Stella Bonasera was an accomplished woman. Highly intelligent, beautiful, fearless and with a successful career: she was an example to all and many people envied her apparently perfect life. This however was all an illusion. Although on the outside she appeared confident, happy, assertive, even content; on the inside she was awash with raw pain, hurt and isolation. Even with the love from her team who were in every respect her family, the only real family she had ever had, she felt completely isolated as though she never really belonged anywhere.

It was as though her entire life she was on the outside looking in, she thought grimly as she watched the team in the break room, having a well-deserved rest following the many hours they spent examining the smallest details on every since piece of evidence that they processed. It never failed to amaze Stella how the smallest piece of evidence often was the key to solving an entire mystery.

Her mouth quivered into a smile as she observed her family. Danny and Lindsay sat next to each other; Lindsay leaning on her husband as she craftily sliced an apple. Both partners were laughing obviously at some joke Adam was telling them as he sat next to them, gesturing dramatically whilst also laughing.

Further along the table sat Hawkes and Sid- both men were intently discussing some new medical advancement, each taking turns to offer their opinion whilst the other listened, nodding in agreement.

Even Flack and Angell were there, having taken a break from their pile of casework and as usual were flirting with each other whilst also finding time to laugh at whatever Adam was joking about.

And of course sitting at the top of the table, watching his CSIs with an amused expression on his face, was their leader Mac Taylor.

As it had done so for many years, Stella's heart jumped as she watched the former marine. He was handsome- thought of as extremely attractive to the many women that turned their heads to get a better glance as he passed- as well as intelligent and strong- both physically and mentally.

Yet despite this, there was a wall around him; a detachment which Stella knew was partly in his nature and partly due to the tragic loss of his beloved wife Claire in 9/11. He would never get over Claire's death, this she knew, and he had shown it through the failure of what had been a promising relationship in Peyton Driscoll. Even after spending twelve years as his partner to Stella, Mac Taylor was still very much an enigma; he was alone yet surrounded by those who loved him.

Stella quickly walked on before any of the team would notice her. She hid it well; the sadness, the pain. She had been doing it her whole life so much so that it had become a part of her. It wasn't that she wanted to be this way-far from it in fact. She wanted to be happy, to be loved like any normal person. But it was not to be. Stella had long ago realised it and accepted it. However this acceptance did not make the heartache any easier. She lived with the pain day in, day out-she could do nothing about it as she saw the source of this heartache everyday and although she pretended she was alright, happy even, she was dead on the inside. And it was all to do with one man.

It had been just her luck to have fallen in love with a man she could never have. A kind, intelligent, great man. A man who was compassionate and passionate. A man who would never love anybody as worthless as her. Stella had loved him for years; since the first day they had met and yet he had no clue. The heart-wrenching, intolerable love for him had been so tightly locked up inside her heart, never to be thought of or spoken of. S

he knew he would never return her feelings; they were friends and that was all they ever could be. And it was out of her love for him that she hid her feelings and put on a brave face each day even though she cried herself to sleep every night. It was painful; she felt like she was being smothered every time he was near her or they worked together and as time went by it was slowly killing her.

Stella could not go on; she knew she would have to leave and so she had made the hardest and most painful decision of her life. She was going to resign. The letter was written, in its envelope, ready to be personally delivered to Chief Sinclair as soon as she had a spare minute. It had taken her hours to decide how to word it and she had discarded many copies. In the end what she had said was simple; that as much as she loved the lab and would miss it, she needed to find new challenges and that she was resigning with immediate effect.

And it was true: she would miss the lab. It had been her life for the past decade. She would miss all the team; she would still see them, she was sure, but it wouldn't be the same. They would be confused, upset and angry but over time they would learn to accept it and her replacement whoever he or she would be. But most important of all she would miss Mac Taylor the man who she was utterly and irrevocably in love with.

Mac Taylor was no idiot. He knew something was up with his second in command. She was quieter, less energetic and he had noticed she was exhausted, with deep circles under her eyes. Mac had even, once or twice at crime scenes, caught her with an almost sadness about her as though she was carrying a world of pain. He was worried but said nothing. He knew Stella could take care of herself; she was a born fighter. It was what had first drawn her to him when he interviewed her; that and her wild curls and piercing green orbs. And she had proved she was a fighter time and time again through conflicts with suspects, the HIV scare, the incident with Frankie, the incident in Greece...Stella really was the strongest person he knew.

Mac knew he was emotionally distant but Stella was always there for him; right by his side. She was the reason he breathed. He would have long ago given up if it hadn't been for Stella. She was everything to him. He loved her; had done for years but he knew she would never love him in return. Why would she? She was worth much more than him. He had long ago come to accept this, knowing that he was like a stranger looking in to Stella's life- he would always be on the outside. And Stella knew she would always be on the outside of his.

I am not entirely satisfied with this chapter but it serves as an introduction to what is coming next. Reviews are always appreciated.