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I really want to be with you, Santana…
It's been 2 weeks since the Glee club officially ended, leaving its past and present members slightly lost and broken.
I've seen the world and I'm sure now more than ever that I belong with you…
It's been 14 days since I left my former home in Lima and came back to my new home in New York.
You can't recreate what you and I have...
It's been 336 hours since I witnessed my old friends graduate from McKinley High and venture off to start the next chapter of their lives.
If you want me… I'm here.
It's been 1,209,600 seconds since I said goodbye to Brittany… again (not that I'm counting).
Brittany…
Although it's been 2 whole weeks since I last saw my beautiful best friend, her voice and the last conversation we had still lingers on my brain. Brittany wants me back; Brittany wants us to be together. I can't tell you how blown my mind was to hear those sweet words coming out of her mouth. I was so surprised and shocked by that kiss that my entire body shut down for a few seconds.
That kiss… just, wow….
Do you have any idea how difficult it was to push Brittany away after her lips touched mine? It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I did it. I should be awarded a fucking gold medal or something! You have no idea how badly I wanted to kiss her back and take her into my arms, but I couldn't. Although my body was screaming "YES!" and urging me to continue, my stupid conscious was yelling the opposite.
Hello, brain… you remember Dani right?
Dani, who? Oh, that's right… your girlfriend!
In all of my 19 years of life, I've never wished more to be single than at particular point in time. I would've given anything to finish what Brittany started. No doubt it probably would've led to some very sexy times, but… I'm not that girl anymore; I'm trying to be better. Could I have gotten my mack on with Britt and totally gotten away with it… yes, indeed. However, my previous time with Brittany taught me to expect better from myself and to be a true, committed partner to my significant other.
Although I miss Brittany like crazy sometimes and think about how things would be if we were still together, the harsh reality is that she's not my girlfriend anymore… Dani is. Dani is a wonderful girl. She's kind and sweet and we get along so well. She has been a great distraction… right up until Brittany kissed me.
Why did she have to kiss me?!
I was finally in a good place and made so much progress on my quest to get over Brittany – with Dani's help – but now, I'm so freaking confused. But, what if I'm not completely over Brittany? Will I ever be? Like… is that even possible? More importantly… do I want to be over Brittany?
Aaahhhh!
I just want to press pause and go back to that moment. I want to not think about that kiss and how soft Brittany's lips were. I want to not think about how blue her eyes are and how I still manage to get lost in them. I want to not think about how her hand softly caressed my cheek and made me get that tingly feeling all over my body. I want to not think about Brittany at all because I really shouldn't be thinking about her to begin with.
I should be thinking about Dani.
"Santana!" I hear Dani yell as she shakes my shoulder, effectively breaking me from my inner turmoil.
"Huh?"
"Table 13 wants their check," Dani responds. "Hey… are you okay? You seem very far away…"
"Yeah, I'm good…" I quickly reply. "Lemme go cash my table out before my tip suffers even more."
I then hastily make my way over to my table before Dani can question me any further. I didn't tell her about what happened with Brittany… how could I? Better yet, what exactly would I tell her?
Hey Dani, by the way… Brittany totally kissed me and said she wants me back, but I totally stopped her before anything else happened. Now I'm kinda confused about what I want because I thought I was over her cuz things have been going so well with you, but I just don't know anymore. However, the good news is that I came back home to you, right? You all caught up now? Good…
Yeah… I don't think that conversation would go over so well.
I mean, technically I didn't cheat on Dani cuz I didn't kiss Brittany back. I know that I didn't exactly stop her when she first leaned in and pressed her lips against mine, but I have a reasonable explanation for that. I was in shock! I had no idea that Brittany was gonna kiss me or reveal all of the wonderful things she did afterwards. I honestly believed that we were over and that that chapter of our lives was closed. I thought for sure that Brittany would've already found someone new at MIT and that me and her would just continue to be best friends like we've always been… even before the romantic feelings became involved.
Now… my brain is just literally fucked. I know I've been kinda distant from Dani since I've been back, but it's not on purpose. I like being around her… it just feels a little strange now, knowing that Brittany left the door open for us. Honestly, I don't even know why I'm trippin' over this. Hypothetically, even if I wanted Brittany back, the long distance thing would still be an issue. Sure, Massachusetts is a hell of a lot closer than Ohio, but still… I don't ever want Brittany to feel like I left her behind again. When she initially told me that's how she felt when I came home that week to visit, it nearly broke me. It's part of the reason why I decided that we needed to take a break. It was never meant to be permanent, but I couldn't stand the thought of Brittany feeling all alone and hurting because of me.
And, of course… the rest is history.
A few hours later, the diner is finally starting to clear up. With only two more hours to go until closing time, I'm thankful that Dani hasn't tried to talk to me again about my state of mind. Rachel was nice enough to run interference for me a couple of times when Dani appeared to be heading my way with a look of intent plastered on her face. I appreciated Rachel's help and even told her as much. We sorta called a truce with our frenemy relationship after the whole 'Glee is ending' debacle. She even agreed to move back into the loft.
As the minutes ticked away, I began my nightly cleaning routine so that I could actually get out of this place on time. All I wanna do is get home and be alone with my thoughts… my complicated, self-deprecating thoughts. But of course, I don't get what I want because Dani is now sidling up next to me, asking me what I'm doing after work. I tell her that I've been really worn out as of late and just planned on going home and calling it an early night. I guess my reasoning wasn't that convincing because now Dani is studying my facial expression, trying to crack the elusive code that is Santana Lopez.
"Santana… please talk to me," Dani says delicately as she places her hand on top of mine. "I've been trying really hard to give you your space, but you and I both know that things have been kinda off since you got back."
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck….
I guess this conversation was inevitable, given my distant behavior most recently. I'm still now ready to have it though, or even sure of what I want to say to her.
"I'm sorry that I've been kinda weird lately," I start off. "I've just had a lot on my mind…"
"I figured as much, silly…" she playfully retorts. "Did something happen when you were back at home?"
The tone of her voice is very tentative, almost as if she's dreading my possible response. I guess I can't really blame her or hold off this conversation any longer.
"It's Brittany…"
Fuck!
Is she reading my mind? Like, seriously… where did that come from? Am I that obvious? Is there a sign on my forehead that says "Brittany Fanatic"? The way she asked the question though was weird… almost monotone.
"Uh… w-why would you s-say that?" I stutter out like a putz. Man, I really need to pull it together.
"What?" Dani questions back as she scrunches up her eyebrows. "Isn't that Brittany… the girl that just walked through the door?"
As I furrow my eyebrows, I reluctantly follow the direction of where her finger is pointing. Sure enough… there she is.
"I recognize her from some of the pictures in your room," Dani continues.
I'm currently experiencing one of those out-of-body type experiences where I'm like floating above my physical body and watching the scene before me play out. That's the only believable explanation I can come up with, seeing that this can't be my life right now. My ex-girlfriend/best friend in the same room with my current girlfriend… this really can't be good for me.
"Well… what are you waiting for? Go say hi," Dani says as she pushes me towards the door.
Honestly, I think I needed that push because I would've been permanently rooted to this exact spot until closing time hit and my boss forced me to leave. As my feet guide me to where Brittany is standing, it's only a matter of seconds before I look up and catch myself drowning in her crystal blue eyes.
"Hi…" Brittany whispers out. "Sorry to just show up like this, but I really wanted to see where you worked and Kurt said that you were here."
"Brittany, what are you doing here?" I respond back after releasing the long breath that I was apparently holding. "I mean, obviously I'm always happy to see you, but what are you doing here?"
"I'm here on a project for MIT. I figured since I was gonna be in town, I would come visit," Brittany explains. "That's okay, right?"
"Yeah, yeah… of course," I reply. "I was just a little surprised, that's all."
"So… this place looks really cool," Brittany casually states.
"Yeah, it's okay I guess," I say back. "It provides me with a steady paycheck, so I guess I can't really complain."
"Do you think you'll ever go back and take some courses?" Brittany asks.
I'm taken aback by her question, mainly because no one has really asked me that since I moved to New York… not even my parents! It shouldn't really surprise me though. Brittany has always been more invested in my future and well-being than anyone else, including myself. That's one of the things I love about her… ya know, in a best friend type of way.
"Honestly, I don't really know," I start off. "I mean, I've been taking a dance class at NYADA and I get to sing here, with my band, and for Funny Girl so I'm kinda set for right now."
Even if I did go back to school, I don't even know what I would want to study. When I was at Louisville, I hadn't declared a major yet, maybe because I was there on a cheerleading scholarship. No… that's not true. At the time, I could've cared less about what I was studying. Honestly, the only reason I accepted that scholarship was so that I wouldn't be so far away from Brittany. Even so, that still didn't really work out for me. Anyways, I had barely started my core classes before I left to come to New York. I guess if I were to take some classes here, I would be studying something music related, I suppose.
"You're taking a dance class?" Brittany inquires with a goofy smile on her face.
I see a little ray of light flash through her eyes as she asks me this. It's good to see her be happy about something, especially after spending time with her back in Lima and hearing how miserable and overworked she had been. It was so good to see her dance again and just enjoy being around her friends.
"Yeah… I've always loved dancing. I'll never be as good at it as you or boy Chang, but I still love it," I reply. "Maybe you should take some classes at MIT, just so that you don't completely drive yourself insane with all of the math stuff," I suggest.
"Yeah, maybe I'll look into that when I get back… if I have time," she responds as she briefly looks away from me and scratches the back of her neck. The action seems a little out of place, but maybe I'm just over-analyzing her mannerisms, given the present situation. "So… I'm guessing that's Dani? Either that or you've got a stalker on your hands."
As I enjoy a little laugh with Brittany, it's nice to just be with her like this and not feel awkward as she makes a joke about the girl standing in the way of us being together. In the couple of minutes I've been chatting with Brittany, I haven't once thought about the last conversation I had with her or how she basically turned my world upside down, confessing that she wants to be with me.
And let's not forget about that kiss…
"I guess I should introduce you two…" I cautiously reply. Maybe it's a bad idea, but it would seem really odd and suspicious if I didn't introduce Dani to my best friend when given the opportunity. Of course, I don't wanna put Brittany on the spot. Besides, Britt knows that Dani and I work together so the mathematical probability that she might run into her while visiting me is exponentially high. "If that's okay with you…"
"Uh… yeah, sure…" Brittany responds a little bit too quickly. "I am your best friend, after all…"
Brittany briefly smiles as she makes that last statement, but it doesn't quite meet her eyes. I know this can't be easy for her. Trust me… I know from personal experience. Seeing her with Sam literally stopped my heart. Even though I understand her reasons for not telling me before I found out from Tina, it still didn't make the whole process hurt any less.
As Brittany and I slowly make our way over to where Dani is standing behind the counter, I take a deep breath before introducing them. It would be so much easier if I just had a stroke right about now.
"Brittany, I'd like you to meet Dani… my girlfriend," I hesitantly say the last part.
"Hi… it's nice to meet you," Brittany says as she flashes a quick smile and extends her hand over the counter top.
"You too! I've heard so much about you," Dani exclaims as she takes Brittany's hand into her own, giving her a hearty handshake.
Brittany smiles again, but this time it's a genuine smile and seems a little more on the bashful side. I wonder if it's because of me. I mean, I do talk about Brittany a lot. I can't help it though… she's hilarious! I know that it's probably not the best idea to talk about your ex so much with your current girlfriend, but most of the best memories of my life have included her. It would feel wrong not to share that with Dani. Besides, before anything, Brittany and I have always been best friends since the day we met. It's hard to try to just pretend like she doesn't exist and didn't play a huge role in my life, regardless of our current relationship status.
"Are you guys getting off soon?" Brittany asks. I'm a little perplexed by the question because it was directed towards both of us. Sensing my confusion, she continues. "I was just thinking that we could maybe go get something to eat, that way I can find out firsthand why my bestie likes you so much."
If anyone else had made a comment like that, I would think they were being facetious. But, since it was coming from Brittany… I know that she was actually being sincere. Even though it must be killing her to be standing here in front of Dani after telling me she wants me back, I'm really not surprised though. Brittany has always put my well-being ahead of her own. She's always been selfless like that. I guess that's part of the reason why I was shocked to my core when Brittany basically told me that Dani may be great, but it will never compare to what Britt and I have.
I don't know… maybe after not hearing the magical words of "I'm Yours" leave my lips after two weeks, Brittany came to the conclusion that I made my choice to stay with Dani. I guess I haven't really given her a reason to think otherwise. Maybe now she's just trying to make the best of the situation.
I'm so lost in my own thoughts right now that I don't register the conversations going on around me. What finally snaps me out of my trance is Rachel's presence. As I look over at her, I see a wide-eyed, baffled look gracing her features. As her eyes ping-pong between Brittany and Dani, I see her mouth "WTF" to me before Brittany notices her.
"Brittany!" Rachel yells excitedly, completely playing off the look of utter confusion that was plastered on her face only moments ago. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, just in town on business…" Brittany states. "Hey, if you're free after work, we were gonna go get something to eat."
Wait, what? I guess that's actually happening, huh? Maybe if I stopped zoning out, I would know what's going on around me.
I wasn't sure if Rachel had plans tonight, but I definitely needed a buffer so this supposed dinner me, my ex-girlfriend/best friend, and current girlfriend were about to embark on. With my eyes, I plead with Rachel to say yes. I would ask Kurt, but he'll probably be busy with Blaine since he's in New York now and living in our loft. Plus, I might actually cuss him out, seeing that he didn't give me the heads up that Brittany was coming.
Well, I guess I can't really be too upset with him though. Kurt doesn't exactly know what transpired between me and Brittany back in Lima. It's not that I didn't trust Kurt with that information; it's just that talking about it out loud to an actual person would've made it too real. The only reason Rachel knows is because it may have slipped out when we were calling our truce. After the cat was already out of the bag, I sort of opened up to her and told her about everything that had happened between us and just how confused I was. Surprisingly, Rachel can be a really great friend and listener when her mouth is shut.
"Uh, sure… that sounds delightful!" Rachel exclaims as she pulls Brittany in to a hug.
I give Rachel an appreciative smile for basically saving my ass cuz man… it's gonna be a long night.
The following day…
When I woke up, it took a minute to gather myself; maybe it was because of all of those shots of tequila I had when I finally got home.
As I slowly peel myself away from my bed, I drag my feet across the floor as I head towards the kitchen. Once there, I pop some aspirin into my mouth and chase it down with water. As I take a seat on one of the kitchen stools, my mind drifts back to the events that took place last night.
After Rachel agreed to go to dinner with us, to lighten the mood, she thought it would be nice to do a musical number before closing the diner. I reluctantly agreed. Unfortunately for me, Rachel chose "Opposites Attract". After she grabbed Kurt from the back, we all took turns singing our lines. As we were all hopping around the diner and just enjoying ourselves, I couldn't help but look at Brittany – as subtly as possible – seeing that my girlfriend was still in the same room, singing along. Although it's a fun song, I couldn't help but analyze the lyrics and think about how different me and Britt are, yet we made it work. Hmm… maybe Rachel was trying to tell me something.
After that, me and the girls went to eat while Kurt went home to spend some time with Blaine. It was awkward and really weird to see how well Brittany and Dani got along. I mean, it's great that they like each other, but I wonder how their interaction would've been if Dani knew what took place back in Lima. Honestly, I have no idea. She might give me an ultimatum and tell me that I can't talk to Brittany anymore. However, that scenario wouldn't work out in her favor. I'd never be able to cut Britt out of my life. Regardless if we're just friends or more than that, that's just a part of the Santana Lopez package. Whoever I end up with – if it ends up not being Brittany – they're just gonna have to accept that or else there will never be a bright future for us. Does it sound a little selfish and unreasonable on my part… probably so. Like I said before though… Brittany will always be a part of my life, no matter how big or small the role she plays.
Anyways, after Rachel and I arrived back at home, I felt even more confused than I had been the past couple of weeks. The last thing I wanted to do was try to lie down and think about my feelings and what I should do. So, instead… I drank myself into a stupor until I felt completely numb. To be honest, I don't even remember going back to my room or passing out.
"How ya feeling?" I hear as Rachel takes a seat next to me. "You got pretty messed up last night."
"Like shit…" I respond groggily.
"Yeah… I figured as much," Rachel knowingly replies.
"How'd I get in my room?"
"Well… I tried carrying you there at first, but realized that I'm much too small and delicate," Rachel begins. "Thankfully, after the boys were done with their shenanigans, they assisted me in getting you into bed."
After hearing what Rachel said, I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Even though my head was killing me, I pushed through the pain. The thought of Rachel Manhands Berry getting me into bed was by far the most hilarious thing I've ever heard in my life. I mean, seriously… my eyes are so watery from laughing so hard that I almost fell out of my chair.
"Ha ha ha… very funny, Santana," Rachel dryly states. "You know what I mean."
"I'm sorry… you just caught me off guard," I giggle out as I try to tame my laughter. "Don't get me wrong, Berry… you've got a nice bod underneath all of those frumpy sweaters you used to wear and your face is actually cute if you look passed that giant nose of yours…"
"Well… thanks for that sweet, albeit back-handed compliment. It's one of the nicest things you've ever said to me," Rachel states as I shake my head at her amusedly. "It's good to hear you laugh again." I give Rachel a small smile. "Have you had any luck figuring out your whole torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool thing?"
"Not really…" I reply. "I mean… should I stay with Dani? Should I be with Brittany? Or should I just be single and slut it up all over New York and not have to worry about feeling s and shit?"
"I'm good with either of the first 2 options," Rachel pointedly states. "You've made far too much progress as a person to divert back to your whorish high school ways."
She's right, ya know? I've grown so much these past few years. Honestly, I owe all of that to Brittany. The main reason why I was so slutty back then is because I was too afraid to come out of the closet and admit to myself and everyone else that I was in love with my best friend. How Brittany put up with me all those years… I have no idea.
"You're right…" I oblige.
"Look, Santana… I know this has to be a very difficult decision for you," Rachel says, completely not helping by stating the obvious. "My advice to you is to follow your heart. Think about who makes you feel complete and safe and at peace with yourself. Think about who makes you feel like home."
With that, Rachel squeezes my arm and gets up from her spot beside me.
"I'll make some coffee… and probably some toast to soak up all of that alcohol," Rachel jokes.
Yeah, Rachel's okay… I guess.
Several hours later, I'm chilling on the couch, watching a movie with Dani when I hear a knock at the door. Feeling slightly irritated because my favorite part of the movie is about to come on, I reluctantly answer the door. However, once I see the golden blonde hair and crystal blues eyes on the other side, my features immediately soften.
"Hey Britt… I didn't know you were coming by."
"Yeah, me neither… it was more of a last minute thing," she explains. "I actually just came to say goodbye…"
The tone of her voice makes me worry. She sounds so monotone and sad. The usual jubilance that accompanies her voice and personality are nowhere to be found. Quickly, I step out into the hallway and pull the door shut behind me.
"What do you mean? I thought you were gonna be in town for a few more days?" I question.
Brittany hasn't really told me much about the project she's in town working on, but apparently she was doing research all day. I figured that was the reason why I hadn't heard anything from her all day. Besides, I was still pretty hung over so I probably wouldn't have been the best company.
"I lied…" Brittany slowly states. I'm not exactly sure what she lied about, but that's so unlike her. Brittany's the most honest and straightforward person I know. "I'm not going back to MIT…"
"I don't understand," I reply. I've already been out of my sorts with all these feelings, but now I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind altogether.
"You were right… I miss dancing," Brittany confesses. "At first it was really cool and flattering to be this super math genius that everyone wanted to work with, but now… it feels more like a chore or like I'm just being used," she states. "You're the only person that ever called me a genius and actually believed it before MIT came along. I guess that's part of the reason why I stopped dancing."
"I'm not sure I'm following, Britt…" I softly reply as I link our pinkies together, hoping that she will continue.
"I've always loved dancing because it allowed me to escape into my own little world and not have to worry about anything. But then, I met you and my world got turned upside down… in a good way," Brittany continues. "Dancing with you is by far one of my favorite things to do. I guess that's why I diluted myself into thinking that there might still be a chance for us."
Remember before when I said I was still really confused? Yeah, that hasn't changed yet.
"When you made me dance again and you voiced your concerns about MIT and me not having a life or dating, I was happy to know that you still cared that much about me," the blonde states. "However, it almost made me think that you were trying to secretly tell me something… that's why I kissed you. I thought that maybe, just maybe you wanted to be with me too so I was selfish probably made you really confused about this whole situation."
I'm trying to keep up with this conversation, but it's really throwing me for a loop. I want to open my mouth to interject, but I sense that Brittany's not quite done yet.
"The truth is, I came here to look at the dancing programs of some of the different colleges around here because I want to be closer to you. I came here to win you back…" Brittany briefly pauses before lifting up her head and locking onto my eyes with hers. "But then, I met Dani in person. She really is great…"
As I see the water forming in Brittany's eyes, I raise my free hand to wipe away an unshed tear. "Britt…"
"Just let me finish, please?" Brittany begs. I oblige. "You seem really happy with her and I really don't wanna mess that up. Besides, it's my fault anyways…" I scrunch my eyebrows because I'm completely lost now. "I was the one that told you to go to New York and find a girlfriend."
Brittany and I just stand there in the hallway, looking at everything except each other. I have no idea what to say. Where would I even begin?
"You have a new dance partner now, so… I have to respect that," Brittany says, breaking the few minutes of silence that had past. "It was unfair for me to try and interfere with that. I just want you to be happy, San."
"What about you?" I question. I hate seeing a sad Brittany. It breaks my heart to see her like this.
"I'll be okay, eventually… I just need a little time to move on for myself," she solemnly replies.
"I don't wanna lose you, Britt…"
"You could never lose me," she responds as she wraps me up in a tight embrace. This hug feels different though… like, more definite. When I left for New York the first time, our goodbye didn't seem as final. But in this moment, the way Brittany is holding me feels like it will be the last time. "I have to go…"
I lean back from our embrace in an effort to search her eyes for some answers. I can't find any though… just tears that are starting to fall. As Brittany lifts her hand up to wipe away the dampness on my face, she leans in and presses a delicate kiss to my forehead.
"We'll talk soon," she says before unwrapping her arms from around me. And just like that… she's gone.
It takes me a few minutes to gather my bearings before re-entering the loft. I'm feeling so many things right now and yet… I feel so numb at the same time.
"Who was that?" I hear Dani say as I get closer to the couch.
"It was Brittany… she came to say goodbye," I respond, not recognizing my own voice.
"Hey… are you okay?" Dani asks as she gets up from the couch and rests her hands on my shoulders.
"I… I don't think so," I manage to get out.
The room is silent for a moment besides the low humming of the TV in the background. I'm staring at the floor because I can't possibly look at Dani right now. However, I feel her eyes on me, almost as if she's studying me.
"You're still in love with her, aren't you?" Dani states more than asks. This makes me finally look up and meet her eyes. "It's okay to say yes…"
I open my mouth a few times, but shut it almost immediately. I can't bring myself to say the actual words. Dani is a really nice girl. I don't want to hurt her.
"I remember the first conversation we had when I started working at the diner," Dani continues. "When you mentioned Brittany, you said that you loved her, but that it was over. When we started dating, I thought that maybe that was actually true," she continues, "but then I met Brittany and everything you ever told me about her made sense."
I never knew I was that obvious about the feelings I still harbored for Brittany. I wanted to be over her; I tried really hard to make that possible too. I guess no matter what I do though, I'll never be successful because I don't want to be over Brittany. I want to be with her, but again… I don't want to hurt Dani.
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
"You should go after her…" Dani says lowly, standing tall and stoic.
Only know you love her when you let her go
I'm not sure if I heard her correctly. Surely, I must be mistaken. Even if I did hear her correctly, is going after Brittany the best thing for anyone in this situation? What if Brittany and I aren't meant to be together? What if I'm not what she needs? What if she's better off without me? If that's the case, shouldn't I let her go so that she can finally move on?
And you let her go…
"Stop over-thinking everything," Dani interrupts my self-loathing thoughts. "I may not know you as well as your friends or Brittany, but I know you well enough to know when you're doubting yourself."
Hmm… maybe she does know me a little more than I thought.
"I know you don't want anyone to get hurt in this situation, but sometimes that's just the way things happen," she continues. "I really like you, Santana… but, I'm not foolish enough to think that what we have will ever compare to what you have with Brittany. Although it sucks, I'm just trying to be realistic."
"I never meant for this to happen," I finally say, barely above a whisper.
"I know… no one's blaming you," Dani replies as lightly takes one of my hands into hers. "You should really go after her; you still might be able to catch her."
"What about you?" I cautiously ask.
"I'll probably go home, put on some Adele, and crawl into a little ball until I eventually die from a broken heart," she responds. My eyes widen and I'm pretty sure my jaw is touching the ground. "I'm totally just kidding," she chuckles out. "I'll be fine."
"You almost gave me a fucking heart attack!" I say as I lightly push her. "Seriously though… you're really okay with this?"
"It will probably sting the first couple of times I see you two together, looking all happy and adorable…" Dani begins, "but I'll get through it. Plus, we're still gonna be friends, right?"
"I don't know… can we do that? Wouldn't that be a little weird or something?" I ask.
"Sweetie, that's Lesbian 101. I'm pretty sure it's right after the U-Haul chapter," Dani sarcastically replies. "Now… go get your girl!"
As Dani pushes me towards the door, I turn back and smile for the first time today since Rachel made that comment about getting me into bed.
Yep… still funny.
Being released from my commitment to Dani, I quickly run down the flights of stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator. I know… crazy, right? As I make it onto the streets, I look both ways to see if Brittany is still in sight. No dice. The next logical thing I can think of is heading towards the subway, which is a few blocks from here.
As I haul ass in the direction of the subway, I see a flash of blonde hair ahead of me, just short of the entrance of the subway.
"Brittany!" I yell as loudly as I can, not caring about the odd looks I'm getting from the strangers around me. "Brittany, wait!"
As I get closer to the edge of the stairwell leading to the subway, Brittany turns and around and starts taking steps towards me.
"San? Is everything okay?" Brittany asks, looking very concerned.
I gently grab her hand and pull her to the side so that we aren't blocking the other pedestrians navigating their way through the city. My breathing is slightly labored from all of the sprinting that just occurred. One thing's for sure… I'm definitely not in Cheerio shape anymore.
"I… you told me to come to New York and find a girlfriend, so that's what I did," I manage to get out between breaths. "You told me that you want to be with me and that we belong together. But only minutes ago, you basically told me that you were giving up on us and that you wanted me to be happy. No wonder why I'm so freaking confused…"
Brittany tilts her head towards the ground, breaking our eye contact. "I'm sorry for confusing you so much," she says so low that I almost miss it.
"Brittany…" I say, lifting up her chin, "you wanna know what I want?" I ask her with intensity behind my eyes. She slowly nods her head. "I want you to be selfish. I want you to tell me how much you want to be with me because you were right… you can't create what you and I have."
Brittany's eyes seem to light up under the New York skyline as she stares back into my eyes, searching for any sign that this might not be real.
"No matter how hard I try to fight it, I will never be able to deny the connection I have with you," I confess. "There's some type of magnetic force that always brings us back together and I'm okay with that. Brittany…" I say a little softer as I wipe the unruly tear trying to escape from my eye, "I don't want to be over you… ever; I just want you."
Without any hesitation this time, I lean up and remove the metaphorical and physical space between us. As I feel Brittany's lips pressed wonderfully against mine, my eyes flicker shut and I nearly melt into a puddle of utter happiness. I love the way our mouths fit perfectly together. I love the way her tongue skates gently across my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I love the way our tongues crash together and begin their quest for domination. This is what I've been missing for almost an entire year. I don't know how I've survived without Brittany's kisses. I don't necessarily count the last one we shared in Lima because that would be wrong.
As our kiss continues to get heated, I suddenly realize that we are in a very public place. And that's no good… not when my body yearns to do very private things with this beautiful woman in front of me.
"San…" she says breathlessly, causing my whole body to quiver, "let's get out of here!"
Who am I to turn down such a request?
Immediately, we flag down a cab and make our way back to her hotel room. The subway would've been cheaper, but would've taken much too long for me and Britt to keep our hands off of each other.
As soon as we make it to her room, clothes are shed at a lightning pace, neither one of us wanting to waste any time. Once we are completely naked, we continue to get our mack on until I lead her to the bed and gently lay her down. As I support my body weight on top of her, I can't help but stare into hooded eyes that are almost black. As much as I have craved to be with Brittany again, I want to savor this moment for as long as possible. We were in such a hurry before, but I realize… there's no need to rush. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be with the woman I love. This time together shouldn't be rushed, but cherished as we start a new chapter in our lives.
"I've been crazy about you since the first day we met," I sincerely state as tuck a loose strand of blonde hair behind Brittany's ear. "Even when we were both with other people, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I love you so much, Brittany."
"God… you don't know how good it feels to hear you say that," she replies as her eyes begin to water. "You're my soulmate… I don't ever wanna be without you again. I love you, Santana."
Hearing those last few words elicits the biggest grin on my face. As I lower my head, I gently place a kiss on Brittany's lips. We stay like this for a while until our hands started to roam on their own accord, navigating the familiar contours of each other's body. Although it's been awhile, it took no time for either of us to get reacquainted with each other. It's quite magical, making love to the person you want to spend forever with. Everything is perfect… everything is right.
The next morning, I wake up after having one of the best nights of my life. As I replay the endless hours being reunited with Brittany, a goofy-looking smile has found permanent residence on my face. As I exhale contently, I feel Brittany's arms wrap tighter around my stomach as she places a sweet kiss to the back of my neck. I then turn around in her arms to see the bright blue orbs staring back at me.
"Good morning…" I say as I lean in and give her a chaste kiss on the lips.
"Mmm… indeed it is," she replies back with a smile. "How'd you sleep?"
"Awesome, especially now that I got my cuddle buddy back."
"You are so adorable," she says back. Normally, I hate when people say that about me cuz I'm still the baddest bitch from Lima. But with Brittany… I'd let her get away with murder if I got to wake up to her smiling face every morning. "I'm glad that I get to call you mine again."
"Yeah… me too," I concur as I kiss her again. "And as your girlfriend, I'd really like to know what's the next step here… like, where will you be staying cuz hotels can get pretty expensive."
Brittany silently laughs to herself before answering. "Well… I have some money saved up so I was just gonna stay here until I figured out a more solid game plan."
"Why don't you stay with me?" I hopefully ask.
"That's very generous, but I can't intrude on your home like that," Brittany gently replies. "Plus, isn't it already pretty crowded with Blaine staying there too?"
"Yeah, I guess so," I answer back. "What if we got a place together then?"
The words come out of my mouth without a second thought.
"Seriously?" Brittany questions as she raises her eyebrow.
"Yes, silly… I'm serious," I reply back. "Honestly, I don't care where I live Britt… I just want to be with you. You're my home, Brittany… you always have been."
"Okay…" she whispers out.
"Okay? Is that a yes?"
"Yes… I'll stay with you, but only until we save a good bit of money to get our own place."
"Nothing would make me happier," I gleefully reply.
"You're my home, too…" Brittany says while staring lovingly into my eyes.
"That's good to know," are the last words that leave my mouth before I attach my lips to Brittany's.
If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago if Brittany and I would ever get back together, I wouldn't have known how to respond. But now, looking into her eyes and feeling her lips that have always fit perfectly with mine… I know exactly where I was always meant to be. I'm finally home.
Author's Note:
Hey guys! I know it's been awhile cuz I've been super busy with work and other stuff going on in my personal life, but I couldn't resist all of the Brittana feels from the "100" episode. I started writing this before I saw the "New Directions" episode and even though I have since seen it, I wanted to keep this story as if that episode hadn't occurred. I plan on writing another one-shot based on the last scene of Brittany and Santana in the bathroom so look out for that. Eventually, I will finish You and Me. Anyways, hope you enjoy and thanks again for all of the love and support you guys continue to show.
-Kris
Songs Used:
Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul (honorable mention)
Let Her Go by Passenger
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING (except for the minor mistakes that will eventually be corrected).