WARNINGS: Spoilers, derk. Don't read if you haven't seen the movie or read the book. (This follows the movie moreso, though.)

BLUE EYED LOVE

He spoke in a quite, muttered way; off-handed and tight-lipped. Almost in askance, like he had to be given permission before he spoke. And even when Jack said nothing and let him talk as he pleased, he never said much anyway. But Ennis was like that in every way; hesitant, uncertain, and so utterly terrified and confused by the feeling the clear-eyed cowboy stirred inside of him. Jack was different; it seemed like he knew what he wanted all the time, even when it came to Ennis. More than that, it seemed like he knew what the blonde wanted too. That night in the tent when all the mess and confusion started down to the day they awkwardly parted, and suddenly Ennis was doubled over in an alley and trying to puke off the gut-wrenching pain inside even though he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried.

Jack always remembered a truly awkward moment, when Ennis, all jaunty limbs and confused motions, staggered over to the tent the raven-haired cowboy lay shirtless inside. He was so guarded, his hat between his legs and chest and his head bowed, but Jack was open and honest with clear blue eyes and soothing words. He knew what Ennis wanted, even if the blonde didn't know himself. It didn't take too much before he was clutching Jack's smooth chest, running his hands all across the tan planes and down his sides like he couldn't get enough. After that Ennis moved a little easier, smiled a little broader, wanted to be with Jack a little more.

The dream ended with a crash of lightening and a flurry of snow that brought up a storm and forced the two to come down from the mountains. That their time together was so suddenly ending hurt Ennis deeper than he thought he could feel. And then he was wrestling with Jack because he was just confused and angry and hurt he didn't know what else to do but take his frustrations out on the cowboy that wouldn't leave him alone to brood in peace. But Jack tried. Next summer, maybe. More sheep, more beans, more bitter cold... but at least they'd be together, right? But Ennis was getting married. Life was catching back up to them. And they could do nothing more than part with a glance that didn't quite reach either of them, and then he was gone.

Men got married to women, because that's just how it worked. Like how every man had a cowboy hat, every man had a woman too and even some kids. And suddenly Ennis found himself with two girls and an empty ache that Alma couldn't ever seem to satisfy, while Jack wound up trapped in a fancy house with an accidental child and the girl's father who hated his guts. It only took four years and a post card, then Jack and Ennis wound up in a hotel room panting and groaning and craving the touch they'd discovered on Brokeback and could never find anywhere else no matter how hard they wished it to life.

Jack had blue eyes, clear blue eyes that widened in astonishment when Ennis dragged him to the side of the building and crushed their lips together. It was like all the hesitations and fears and insecurities he had been captured by up in the mountains had vanished, replaced by sudden overwhelming drive to just be with Jack. And it was all the raven-haired cowboy could do not to yank down his pants and climb on top of Ennis right there. Jack thought he had changed; he didn't know how, but he could have sworn Ennis changed, and now they could be together and be happy.

But men got married to women, because that's just how it worked. Men didn't live together, because Ennis knew what happened to men that lived together. And he didn't want that. Not for him and especially not for Jack.

It seemed like there was too much though. Too many miles between them, too many odd jobs, too much money to pay for child support, too much shit that just got in the way all the time, which made for not enough time to be together. And it hurt more than either cared to realize until Jack slipped up, his temper riled by Ennis's job and the blonde too agitated to do anything but chew his nails. But Ennis' face was tightened in anger and hurt, while Jack's was just opened in sorrow, and all that pain rose to the surface until they were just yelling at each other.

Then they split. Broke into pieces, the anguish and truth all flooding out. Jack's clouded blue eyes were twisted in agony because it was so hard on him to only see the blonde every few months because he just wanted him more than he could stand. But what he didn't know was that Ennis felt the same way, and always had. He was just better at hiding it behind responsibilities like child support and the job he had to keep to pay for it.

"I wish I knew how to quit you."

They were the words that broke the dam, salty water leaking from Ennis's eyes as he stutteringly told Jack the things he had never realized. Because he thought the blonde had gotten over everything that held him back on Brokeback, but he was so wrong he didn't know what else he could do but hold him close. Ennis was hurt and confused and alone because he realized he never loved Alma, because it just didn't hurt when they divorced- not the kind of hurt that he was used to feeling. He never felt for another person like he did Jack, but it wasn't supposed to be like that, so all he was left with was his job and unsteady home and the sudden waitress that decided she liked him, but even that wasn't enough to fill this void that had been created inside.

He too lived for the times he could see Jack up in the cold and on the mountains, hidden away from everybody else were he could let the weight burdening his shoulders go and let himself relax into the other's embrace. But the times were few and far too long between and all they ever did was hurt anymore. Because Ennis only wanted Jack and pushed away anybody else while the only thing Jack could do was work and wait.

Hands in his pockets, the raven-haired cowboy watched the one he loved more than anything and got hurt more than anything by drive away, remembering a summer of snow and sheep. Back then only fondness filled his heart as he watched Ennis ride off on his horse, the smell of campfire strong behind him. But now was his dimmed blue eyes stayed on the pale pickup truck that drove away, he was only filled with confusion and agony and just... too much shit. If you can't change it, then you gotta stand it.

But a postcard returned and stamped DECEASED was a little more than Ennis could stand. It seemed like everything inside him shut down. He made the phone call to Jack's wife and found out what happened, listening to her still, mechanical voice without any feeling. Then he went to Jack's old home and saw his parents. Somehow he knew, even before he got there, that he wasn't going to be able to scatter the cowboy's ashes across Brokeback. And he was right, because there was a family plot and a stern, balding man that told him of Jack's failed dreams. But it didn't matter, because he couldn't quite how to figure out how to feel again.

Growing up lonely, parents dead and siblings running off in every direction, it was easy enough to forget how to feel. But a summer on a mountain with a clear-eyed cowboy changed all that. Jack changed it all. And it was Jack again that coaxed feelings out of the blonde as he discovered two old shirts with bloodstains on the sleeves and a barrage of memories that had Ennis clutching the shirts to his chest and sobbing into the dusty fabric.

Jack's death didn't change hardly anything though. Ennis was still alone, and still working the lowest jobs he could get. But then a girl with Jack's blue eyes and hopes of marriage and future hesitantly invited him to her wedding. This was a drill the blonde had put himself through many times before; don't look in the eyes, turn away, reject softly... if he was alone then he couldn't get hurt. He couldn't hurt anybody else. And he could continue to be numb.

But Jack had taught him how to feel, because he wanted him to. With that reminder, Ennis relented, and was rewarded a pearly white smile and a shine of happiness. After she left, he turned to the closet and opened the door, where two old, bloodstained shirts hung, reminding him to live life, not just go through the motions.

"Jack, I swear..."