AN:This quirky little story was born from a conversation I had with a friend who was upset that noone could tell they were Ron Burgundy at a recent Halloween party. I didn't give them the suggestion Kurt gave Dave but I thought it up in my head and it wouldn't leave until I built a story around it using Dave and Kurt.
Newsflash: Ron Burgundy Is Gay!
Dave surveyed the Halloween party and was pretty impressed with the costumes. It was Santana's party and she had declared this year's bash would be a retro themed Halloween party. At first everybody groaned and complained, but it looked like the students were up for the challenge and got pretty creative. The nerds still dressed like super heros and the hot girls still dressed like sexy kitties, but at least they dressed in retro styles. He had thought he done alright for himself in the costume department and had arrived at the party feeling pretty good.
At first he had no clue what he was going to wear and had combed the second hand shops for hours for ideas. When he found this deep burgundy velvet sports jacket with wide labels that fit, he knew exactly who he was going as. He lucked out by finding an equally hideous tan and brown plaid pair of polyester flared pants. He completed his costume by buying a brown false moustache, borrowing his gran's dark brown wig and grabbing a cream shirt and brown striped tie from his dad's closet. The only problem was nobody could guess who his character was. They kept getting it wrong. He was getting slightly frustrated and feeling stupid for not coming up with a better costume. It didn't help that he couldn't hang out with Azimio and have a laugh. Since Az and Mercedes had gotten together it wasn't possible. He had tried earlier to talk with the pair but he ended up feeling like a third wheel while they did the couplely thing. It didn't help that Mercedes kept giving him the stink eye whenever Az was not looking. If only he could find someone to hang with, he wouldn't feel so awkward and lonely.
His eyes finally alighted on Kurt. He was pleasantly surprised to see him at a social gathering so soon after the particularly bitter falling out he and that Blaine kid had. After watching him for a while, Dave could see it actually was too soon for Kurt because the boy was hogging the the most-likely-spiked punch bowl, drinking one glass after another. Dave couldn't see the harm in hanging out with Kurt, since everybody was occupied and wouldn't notice them together. So Dave swallowed his fear and walked towards the fashionista.
As he walked closer he scrutinized the costume Kurt was wearing. It was pretty extravagant as usual. He was dressed in a lavender suit with broad lapels, a dark purple sequinned vest which had copious white ruffles threatening to spill the top from what looked to be his shirt. The whole ensemble was topped with a large brimmed lavender hat with big fluffy purple, lavender and white feathers. The other very noticeable thing about the costume was his very large, ornate rhinestone encrusted glasses. It was easy to tell what character he was.
"Hey Elton, reliving your glam rock period?" Dave asked. "Very fetching!"
Kurt looked at Dave puzzled, giving him the once over. To help him guess his identity, Dave turned full circle and posed in a pose he figured his character might take. Kurt was really smart so Dave was sure he'd get it right off.
"Oh hi, Austin?" guessed Kurt.
Dave sighed in frustration, "Aarrrgh! Everyone guesses that. I'm not Austin Powers! I'm Ron Burgandy from 'Anchorman'. I just wish someone would recognise me without me having to tell them."
Kurt studied him again. "What you need is an extremely huge erection."
Dave gaped at Kurt for a moment and then burst out into laugher when he realised Kurt was referring to the scene when Ron gets overly excited over the new female broadcaster, Veronica Corningstone.
"Oh man, I wish I had thought of that. That would have been hilarious!" Dave howled. He imagined himself fashioning some enormous erection out of socks and wire just like they did for Will Ferrell. He would have arrived at the party and created a sensation. The girls would have pretended to be horrified and scream while the guys would slap him on the back and laugh and joke. Anybody who had seen the movie would know who he was and would have admired his cleverness. He would have been the life of the party. Too bad he didn't think it up himself before he arrived at Santana's.
"You could still do it you know." Kurt said slightly slurring his words.
"Huh? I guess so but it's kinda late and what would we fashion it with?"
"You do have the equipment already to make a giant erection, don't you?" asked Kurt coyly, gesturing to Dave's fly.
"Well of course I have the equipment." Dave answered a bit flustered.
"I bet you do." Speculated Kurt as he stared longingly at Dave's polyester covered groin.
Dave was feeling a little self-conscious. Resisting the urge to cover himself with his hands from Kurt scrutinizing stare, he replied, "But Ton Burgundy was so huge. What I mean is that I'm not too bad in that department but...
"You'll do." Kurt finished for him. Kurt put down his foam cup full of punch and walked closer, he did his best to look alluring, but a sudden quiet drunken burp lessened the impact somewhat. "Let's go outside and see how big an erection you do have." Dave realized Kurt meant sex. All worries about his costume flew out the window.
Now Dave knew that Kurt was still smarting from the fact he caught Blaine doing the dirty in the boy's restroom at school with a visiting Warbler. And if David was a better man he would have let Kurt down gently with some soothing words about it being too soon or that he was better than this. If Dave was a better man he would have driven drunken Kurt home and not given in to temptation or exploit Kurt's vulnerabilities. But Dave wasn't a better man; he was a seventeen year old boy who was unsure of himself and was in the process of being cruised by the man of his dreams.
"Well?" asked Kurt impatiently with a lift of his eyebrow, "Do you want to come or not."
"Hell yes!" Dave answered.
They stumbled out of Santana's house and looked for a dark secluded corner. Dave had to hold Kurt upright while the drunken boy unsuccessfully tried to walk forward and stay vertical at the same time. Once Dave found suitable place along the side of the house he pressed Kurt into the brick wall and moved in to kiss Kurt. Instantly he had lips smashed onto his and felt a tongue down his throat. Not that he complaining, he just wanted to get his tongue down Kurt's throat as well. So they struggled in desperation, each horny teen wanting to take whatever he could from the other. It was messy and raw but really hot. Kurt's hands seemed to be everywhere exploring his body while Dave's hands roamed around as well trying to get a better purchase. Dave loved the feeling of Kurt's body pressed fully against his. Dave's heart was almost pounding through his chest and his blood felt like fire. He never felt more turned on in his life. He was making out with Kurt Freaking Hummel!
He gasped out loud as all his thoughts feelings and sensations zeroed in on one thing, his groin area. Every outside distraction faded in the background as Kurt's hand traced the contours of his penis from the outside of Dave's pants. He had never felt someone else's hand on his dick before, let alone Kurt's hand. The hand pressed insistently into the polyester fabric and grabbed whatever it could and then slowly and sensuously moved back and forth. Dave could only gulp for air. He had trouble keeping his lips on Kurt's lips because all his thoughts were down there. Kurt helped him out by grabbing the back of his neck with his other hand and pulling him in to the hot press of lips. Dave had never been more stimulated and hard in all his life.
A sudden flash of light startled both the boys. They turned to the source and were startled again by another flash. Before their eyes could comprehend the visual stimulation they heard Jacob Isreal's voice ring out in the darkness.
"Wow, Elton John making out with Ron Burgundy at Santana's party! This will be the top news on my gossip blog." The little freak just giggled and ran away.
For a split second, Dave considered running after him, tackling him to the ground, pounding the shit out him and destroying his phone. He felt Kurt move in his arms and looked down. Kurt gazed up at him and smiled apologetically; his hat was long gone, his hair was all messed up but his eyes looked more alert and he was obviously concerned for Dave. He looked absolutely adorable.
Dave decided to let the little gossipy shit go. Maybe it was time he came out. He might have to endure some awkward times ahead with his parents, fellow team mates and friends. He would just have to put up with the slurs and the stupid homophobic comments that were bound to come his way. But right now he had Kurt in his arms and all that other crap seemed a small price to pay.
Dave smiled and for the first time he felt free to look at the infinite possibilities of his future. Someday soon if he played his cards right, he could be Kurt's next boyfriend and they could roam the halls hand in hand or go on dates and make out like crazy.
His smile grew bigger as he looked down affectionately at Kurt and the boy responded by giving him a squeeze, acknowledging Dave's unsaid decision.
"See I told you they'd recognise you if you sported a huge erection," Kurt stated jokingly and went for another feel.
Dave laughed. "Hey Elton, how about you and I move to my car and make out some more. We can go for a coffee later and I'll interview you about your musical influences."
Kurt just beamed. "Sounds like a plan Ron. Let's go!" And with that the two boys started off towards Dave's car arm in arm.