Title: Underneath the same moon….
By: RogueCajun (Padfoot)
Summary: A rather humorous fic where the author is coerced by a rather vicious plot bunny to force two characters into a slashy situation. Complete with random singing, one uncooperative character and one character that's perhaps too eager for his own good, an exasperated author, and one very evil plot bunny.
Disclaimer: Do I look like JKR to you? Thought not. I own squat.
Rating: K+ (For vague slashyness and language)
Genre: Is Random oddity a genre? Hmmm…well, it should be. Parody/humor
Author's note: I was listening to my Ipod late one night and this song came on, my first thought was Aw! It could be a Sirius/OC Azkaban songfic. Then, my warped little mind heard the lyric 'Underneath the same moon' and BLAM! It immediately thought of Remus. And I couldn't get this certain visual out of my head, you'll see it in a bit, and thus this fic was born. It's Parody all the way. Oh, no offense meant to slash authors, I occasionally like reading slash, but I'm not a slash author. Except for when I write with Bootstraps and then everything turns out vaguely slashy but that's just because that's how our minds work.
RogueCajun sat down at her computer to type the latest chapter of her Stargate: Atlantis fic God's gonna cut you down. She had left her characters in a rather sticky predicament involving a singing killer plant; a la Little shop of horrors. She opened Windows Media Player and the word processor; she was one of those people who sought inspiration for stories from music. The first song on the play list was a song titled Underneath the same moon by Blake Shelton. It was a slow, sad song. She listened to the first verse and began to hum along, she failed to notice the rather large, periwinkle bunny hop out from under the bed.
As the chorus hit, the bunny hopped up onto the bed and stared evilly at RogueCajun. She looked up at it…oh no. It was another plot bunny. She already had one, it was called Audrey II, in honor of what it inspired in her fic; Audrey II was a rather tame bunny. Liking only to inspire people to write killer plant stories. But this new bunny, it was wild, the first thing it did was bite the head off Audrey II. How dare it! The vicious little bugger. It wasn't even a Stargate: Atlantis bunny for crying out loud! Why was it that whenever she wanted to write Stargate it always turned into something else? The bunny bared its teeth. Uh-oh, this wasn't just a plot bunny, no, no, it was a were-bunny, and a rabid Harry Potter one to boot.
The song continued and a picture began to form in her mind….Great, not only was this bunny not a Stargate bunny, and a rather vicious were-bunny, it was one of the wolfstar variety….
Just…bloody….wonderful.
The bunny's gaze intensified. RogueCajun stared back. She could take this bunny, she'd just kick it to the curb continue writing her Atlantis fic. The new bunny growled.
Did it just growl at me? she thought. She was suddenly reminded of Monty Python, and fearing for her life she said.
"Hold your hippogriff's buddy. I gotta get my characters here first."
In a puff of blinding smoke Sirius Black appeared in the room. The bunny quickly hid behind RogueCajun. It had to wait till the opportune moment to reveal itself. What, a plot bunny couldn't channel Johnny Depp? "'Lo Sirius." the author greeted. Sirius grinned.
"Morning, RC What do you have planned for me today? A brilliant prank played on Snivellus? Or another brotherly fic with either the other Marauders or Regulus?" he asked curiously. RogueCajun adored writing Sirius. He was her favorite character. In fact, not only was she still bitter about the fact that JKR killed him off in OotP, she was still in denial. Point blank refused to believe that Sirius was dead. He was mentioned 63 times in HBP for cryin' out loud! Not that she counted or anything…..
Where did he go if he didn't die you ask? He ascended , a la Daniel in Stargate. In fact, she had written a story where Sirius met Daniel while ascended, but she burned that story because it was WAY too far from canon, what with the time discrepancies and all. But anywho…moving on.
"Afraid not." The bunny crept out from behind her. Sirius cocked his head to the side and examined it.
"Is that a plot bunny?" he inquired.
"Yes, sadly."
"What kind of bunny?"
"Unfortunately it's a slash song-fic bunny." she replied.
"Heh." was the only sound he made for a moment. Then he spoke, "What ship?"
"Wolfstar, I'm afraid. Bootstraps would have kittens, then she'd sic Tawny on me." RogueCajun said. Bootstraps was her best friend, and also a fan fiction writer. Remus was her favorite character, and Tawny was the original character she had created. RogueCajun & Bootstraps usually collaborated on everything they wrote, and they weren't slash writers. Even though everything they wrote had slashy undertones of the blink-and-you'll-miss-it variety.
Sirius chuckled. "Better not tell Moony till you've already started writing and he can't get out of it." he advised.
"You mean, you're okay with it?" she asked. That was odd.
"Well, you know me. I--"
"Like to be written. Yeah, I know." she finished.
"So, when do we start?" Sirius asked excitedly, rubbing his hands together. RogueCajun decided that he was way too excited about his job.
"Soon as I get Remus here."
In another puff of smoke Remus Lupin appeared.
"This isn't Lily Evans: Humourless Ice Queen." he said looking around.
"No, it isn't." Sirius said.
"Howdy Remmie. I have a new story for you. It's an um," she searched for a word. "lovely little story with you & Sirius. You up for it?"
"I suppose." Remus replied. It sounded fishy to him, but RogueCajun usually didn't steer him wrong. Usually. Poor unsuspecting Remus….
Two more puffs of smoke, two new characters arrived.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" RogueCajun exclaimed. James and Peter had appeared.
"What are you two doing here? You're not in this story! At the time it takes place you" she pointed to James, "are dead. And you," to Peter this time. "Are a rat in the Weasley household! You can't be here!!!"
"We're here to help." James said.
"Yeah. We figure we can help with minor things, like scenery and such." Peter added.
"Oh alright, I guess you can stay."
"Excellent!" they exclaimed.
The bunny, which shall now be known as Seymour, glared again as if to say Get a move on.
"Let's get this show on the road." RogueCajun said. The sooner this was over, the sooner she could get back to writing her Atlantis fic.
"Right, Remus go stand in that corner." she pointed to a corner. "Sirius, to your place."
Sirius nodded and scampered off to his mark. Yeah, he was WAAAAYYYY too excited about this.
The scene opens, Sirius is locked away in Azkaban prison for the crime of murdering Peter Pettigrew. Azkaban prison somewhat resembles a cut up cardboard box that's been painted gray and had plastic bars pasted to it, coincidentally it is, and it's being held up by James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. Alright, so it's a low-budget production. Cut the author some slack, this wasn't planned.
Sirius stood next to the bars, staring out into the night. It was a chilly fall evening, the moon was shining bright in the sky, a full moon. He couldn't help but think of Remus as he stared at it. Oh, how he missed Remus. The smell of him, the taste of him, the---
"What in the hell?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Remus exclaimed. Uh-oh. Remus discovered it was a slash fic.
Remus stormed out of his corner and onto center stage. "What in the bloody f-cking hell is going on here? You didn't tell me this was slash fic!!!!!!"
"Watch your language mister! This thing is rated K+. You never asked about its ship status. And you already agreed to be in it. So, suck it up and deal with it!" RogueCajun retorted.
"I don't care! I never agreed to be Sirius' lover. I'll be in my trailer!" Remus turned on his heels and began to stomp off. Only to be stopped by a rather large periwinkle bunny; Seymour in fact. Seymour growled at Remus, and then bit him on the foot. Remus hopped up and down clutching his injured foot.
"It bit me! Is that a plot bunny? What the hel--I mean heck is a plot bunny doing here?"
"Wreaking more havoc than you'll ever know." she muttered to herself. "And that's what you get for trying to leave!"
"Hello?! Pay attention to ME! You two are interrupting my big number here!" Sirius yelled jumping up and down.
Remus looked from the bunny, to Sirius, to RogueCajun and then back to the bunny, then sighed and resigned himself to the fact that there was no way of getting out of this.
"Fine, let's just get this over with." he said , traipsing back to his dark corner.
Shadows of the night
Moving on the ground
Like silent clouds they follow me around
Sirius began singing.
Sirius was tormented by ghosts from his past.
More specifically, James Potter. Who had left poor Peter holding the set and painted himself in glow-in-the-dark paint, giving him a ghost like appearance. James was 'hovering' closely behind Sirius.
Haunted by all the things he could have done, and should have done. All of the things he should have said to Remus.
As I wander through the dark
Through the midnight mist
The set became very dark. So dark, in fact, that Sirius ran into the wall Peter was holding up. Peter gave a small oof as he hit the ground. Sirius ignored him.
Remembering our last kiss
"Whoa! Whoa there buddy, I refuse to kiss Sirius. You can't make me!"
"Stop being such a baby, you don't have to kiss him. Now hush!"
Do you know how much you're missed?
There wasn't a day that went by where he didn't think about Remus. They had their whole life planned out. But one action changed everything. Peter's betrayal. And his need for revenge.
Tonight I stand in this lonely place
I search the heavens for some saving grace
Sirius turned away from the window and looked around the dark, dank cell. He sighed, then turned back towards the bars, looking out to the heavens as if searching for some sort of sign.
James holds up a neon sign that reads 'eat at Joe's'. RogueCajun glared at him. How dare he interrupt the story when it was going so well?
Sirius moved as close to the window as he possibly could. If only his animagus form were smaller, then he could squeeze out of the window and be free.
Sirius, being Sirius is acting WAY over-the-top.
"Sirius, this is your agent speaking, yeah, you're playing it way too over the top, could you get serious please?" James asked speaking in a falsetto.
"Over actor!" coughed out Remus.
Sirius glared at the two of them. How dare they interrupt his big moment?
And I cry
Dying without you
The camera pans in on Sirius here, his face is the only thing you can see through the bars. There's one tear rolling down his cheek. One single, salty tear. A la Cry-Baby. But certainly not because the author has an unhealthy obsession with that movie. Sigh, Johnny Depp….anyway, moving right along….
I know you're somewhere looking up there too
The spotlight moves to Remus, who stands there looking aggravated. Peter comes up behind him and forces him to look skyward.
Right now that's all two distant hearts can do
Someday Sirius was going to find a way to get out of this hell-hole. He would find that traitorous rat, clear his name and then return to Remus.
Ohhh-oooooooo
"What was that? Was that supposed to be a howl? Moony's the werewolf, not Padfoot." Peter asked James. James pondered it for a moment before shrugging.
"I don't know what it was." he replied.
"Would you people please shut up so I can finish writing this?!?!?!" RogueCajun yelled. She was pitching a major fit. All she wanted to do was write her SGA fic, but noooooo! She had to be attacked by a plot bunny and forced to write this……random oddity. Yeah, that was a good word for it.
At least we're underneath
Underneath the same moon
An odd, silvery painted circular piece of cardboard appears over Remus' shoulder, it has the word moon printed across the front of it. It's held up by James. James is having way too much fun with his job, he's swaying to Sirius' singing.
"Oh brother! Now I know why it's a wolfstar fic. Honestly, could you be anymore clichéd? Ooh, it says moon! Let's make it about Sirius & Remus! Ooh!" Remus said.
Poor RogueCajun is getting more frustrated by the moment. The characters will just not cooperate today. They've never been this much of a pain before. She heaves an agitated sigh and pinches the bridge of her nose. All this nonsense is giving her a headache.
Picturing your face
Flowers in your hair
There were some days that Sirius could picture Remus' face clearly, he could see the two of them with Lily & James, just spending the afternoon together. But there were other times when he couldn't picture anything, he couldn't even remember what Remus sounded like….
The spotlight shines down on Remus as the camera pans in. He has brightly colored flowers in his hair. But is he pleased about it? Oh no, he's giving the author the scariest glare ever and muttering darkly under his breath. RogueCajun is trying desperately not to laugh at him. She's failing.
Like you always wear
Oh, I can see you there
"Always wear?" Remus demanded. "Sirius, I had flowers in my hair only once. One time, and it was because I was drunk & you and James thought it would be funny!!!"
RogueCajun glares at him. Like she needed another story idea.
"Would you just get on with it?!?!?!?" RogueCajun exclaimed angrily.
"Well, you don't have to get all snippy about it." Remus replied.
Longing to be touched
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Sirius is transported to Remus' side. It's the magic of editing. He places a hand on Remus' cheek. Once again Sirius is enjoying his part a little too much. Remus, on the other hand, is shooting death glares at him again. One would think that he would know by now that Sirius was immune to death glares.
But you're out of reach
Oh, hold on please
Sirius grabs Remus' hands and holds both of them, looking deep into Remus' eyes and completely over acting. Remus is still glaring. Why? Because he didn't want to be here in the first place.
The day was coming soon when he would get out of here, and then everything would be fine. He was certain of it.
Won't you wait for me?
James and Peter are underneath the invisibility cloak, they run up behind Sirius and pull him backwards as he reaches out for Remus. It gives it a very cool effect, like Sirius is falling through a wormhole or a vortex or some such thing. RogueCajun smiles smugly, finally something is turning out like she directed.
Tonight I stand in this lonely place
I search the heavens for some saving grace
Flash! And we're back to Sirius in Azkaban, standing by the window and looking lonely. Suddenly he turns dramatically to face the camera, then looks out the window. RogueCajun is about to kill him, he's playing it WAY too over the top….again. Next story, she was just going to work with Peter, because he was the only one who was behaving…sort of.
"Tone it down a bit Siri, you're going to kill us with your over acting!" James yelled.
RogueCajun throws a book at him; Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix in point of fact. He ducks to avoid it, it clocks Peter in the head, he falls over, as does the wall of Azkaban he's holding up. RogueCajun sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose again. Someone was going to die before this was over.
And I cry
Dying without you
Again with the close up of Sirius, the bars and the single, salty tear.
♪ "Please Mr. Jailer….
Won't you let my man go free
He don't belong in prison
Though he's guilty as can be
The only crime he's guilty of
Is simply loving me
Please Mr. Jailer
Won't you let my man go free?" ♪ sang James.
RogueCajun, Peter, & Sirius say nothing, merely raise their eyebrows.
"James, if you want to be Sirius' lover, then by all means, go right ahead." Remus said.
"No, he can't. If this story was meant to be a Sirius/James story then the plot bunny would have told me so. Anyway, Please Mr. Jailer? Really James? Really?" RogueCajun interjected.
James just shrugged.
"The plot bunny would have told you?" Remus asked raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, you got a problem with that Remus? And at least it wasn't Jim Morrison in a dream who told me to write this story….if you write it, they will review…."
♪ "Cry…oh baby cry…."♪ James started to sing, he was silenced by a book to the stomach.
I know you're somewhere looking up there too
Right now it's all two distant hearts can do
Ohhh-oooooooo
"Y'know, he doesn't sound much like a wolf, if you ask me. He sounds more like a platypus." Peter said.
Sirius stopped singing and turned to face Peter.
"WTF Peter? A platypus?" Peter just shrugged.
RogueCajun threw OotP at them again.
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Remus yelled.
At least we're underneath
Underneath the same moon
La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
Sirius begins spinning around whilst singing his la-la's.
"Someone's having a bit too much fun." Peter said. James nodded. For once, RogueCajun had to agree with them, it was disturbing how much fun Sirius was having doing this job.
Ohhh-oooooooo
At least we're underneath
Underneath the same moon
"He better be glad that we're not underneath the same moon right now, or else I'd probably eat him, just so I wouldn't have to be paired with him." Remus muttered.
"You do know that that can be misconstrued as something dirty?" James asked. Remus glared at him.
RogueCajun threw the book at them again. She was so close to a breakdown, she could feel it. She had never had such infuriating characters before. This whole experience was completely maddening!!!!
Shadows of the night
Moving on the ground
Like silent clouds
They follow me
Around…..
Sirius slumped down against the cold cell wall and gave a sad sigh.
As glow-in-the-dark James, uh, I mean, ghostly James hovers around in front of him.
"I always knew they were gay." a new voice said. RogueCajun had been so busy trying to direct her uncooperative actors, or rather actor, or rather Remus, that she hadn't noticed the four puffs of smoke at the arrival of new characters. Bellatrix Lestrange, Rodolphus Lestrange, Rabastan Lestrange and Severus Snape stood in the shadows. They were all grinning evilly. But none as evilly as Snape.
"WTF?! Why the he-l are you here Bella? You're not supposed to f---ing be here!!!! Neither are you three! Go back to tea cakes & curses! Now! Get the f--k outta here!!!!!!" Sirius snickered as poor RogueCajun had a meltdown. This was just too much. She forgot that she had left the four of them in the middle of a swarm of curses in Tea cakes & curses. Oops, she supposed she should remedy that.
"Language." Remus chastised with an evil smile. That's what the stupid author gets, making him Sirius' lover; the nerve of her. She got what she deserved if you asked him.
"You shut the f--k up Remus! I'll f---ing kill you!!!! You git!" RogueCajun tried to launch herself at the poor werewolf, this was all his fault! If he had just cooperated then none of this other crazy crap would have happened, but noooo! Remus had to be difficult! Bah! She was stopped by James & Peter. Gah! How dare they!
"K+ rating, remember?" Sirius added in a sing song voice.
"Hush up Sirius!"
"She's lost her mind." Peter said.
"It's St. Mungo's for her." James said sadly shaking his head. RogueCajun's eyes went wide.
"No!" she broke free of Peter & James. "They'll never take me! NEVER!!!!!!!" She tried to escape, but sadly, she was 'escorted' off by two nice men in white coats. They assured everybody that she'd be back once she was deemed 'well'. The characters rejoiced at her absence.
Who would have thought that all this was started by a desire to write a Stargate: Atlantis fic…..
A/n: Wow, glad that insanity is over. I thought about writing it as a serious slash story (no pun intended), but then I got this visual of Remus with flowers in his hair where he wasn't exactly happy about it. It made me giggle, so it became a parody. How it ended up in semi-play format I have no clue. I'm blaming my love of "Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are dead", because R&G is theatre of the absurd, which rocks and if anything should belong to the theatre of the absurd, this should. Everyone should go out and read/watch Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are dead because it owns. I advise this especially if you're one of those people who doesn't like Gary Oldman as Sirius, go watch this movie and then tell me you don't absolutely adore him.
Remember, reviews are love.