FINAL FANTASY VII
Midgar's Funniest Home Videos
(open to 7th Heaven. Cloud is watching television in the basement)
(cut to the TV screen. The words "Midgar's Funniest Home Videos" appear in grey letters. The letters fade out and are replaced by an audience filled TV studio. The host of the show walks out on stage)
Host: Hello, and welcome to "Midgar's Funniest Home Movies." I'm your host, Rob Daget. (the audience clap and cheer) Thanks folks! Man, this city has gone to hell lately, huh? I visited the Honey Bee Inn last night... I couldn't see the queen anywhere! (the audience sit there in silence) Uh, have you seen the price of hotel rooms here in the Slums? I'd rather spend the night in a cardboard box than pay for their services! (the audience are silence) These are the jokes, folks!
Audience Member: For Christ Sake, get on with the show, dude!
Rob Daget: (nervous laugh) Okay, we've got some great home videos to show you today, folks! Let's start with this one! Roll film, guys!
(a video clip begins. A mu is shown in the middle of a field. Moments later, a kid runs into it and kicks it into the air. The mu flies over an American football goal post. The kid cheers. The clip ends and the audience laugh)
Rob Daget: Heh heh! Wasn't that great, folks?
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: (laughs hysterically) The mu...! The kid kicked it over the goal post...! It works on sooo many levels!! (laughs hysterically again)
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Let's see another one! Heh heh!
(a video clip begins. Five family members (I don't have to tell you it's the Simpsons) are sitting at the dinner table. Bart farts (heh, that rhymes!) and Homer goes nuts)
Homer: Why you little! (strangles his son)
(the clip ends and the audience laugh even harder than before)
Rob Daget: Boy, that must be the most dysfunctional family EVER! Heh heh!
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: (laughs) He... he farted at the dinner table! (laughs again)
(Tifa and Aeris walk into the room)
Tifa: (to Aeris) Look at him. On his butt in front of the TV again.
Aeris: Aw, doesn't he look just sooo cute when he's laughing?
Tifa: ...uh, yeah.
Aeris: (looks at the TV screen) Ooh, look! It's the Rob Daget show! (to Cloud) Move over! (Cloud moves over and she sits beside him)
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for tonight. Tune in tomorrow for another montage of hilarious clips from ordinary people. Oh, and just a small reminder to all you viewers out there: send us your funniest home videos and you could win 10,000 gil. Good luck.
(cut back to Cloud and Aeris on the couch)
Cloud: Wow! Ten thousand gil! I could make a funniest home video!
Tifa: Cloud, are you nuts? It takes skill and determination to make a funny home movie that everyone can enjoy.
Cloud: What do you mean?! Anybody can make a hilarious video! You just get someone to do a bunch of crazy stuff and film 'em! How hard can that be?
Aeris: I agree with Cloud.
Tifa: (quietly) Why doesn't that surprise me?
Aeris: I'll help you make a funny movie if you want, Cloud. Whaddya say?
Cloud: I say... let's get to work!
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cloud and Aeris are outside 7th Heaven. Aeris has a video camera)
Aeris: So what sort of home video should we make?
Cloud: It should be the kind of video that you can laugh your ass off to without hesitation.
Aeris: I know! We could film one of our friends doing something stupid! Cid is always doing crazy things - we should try and capture him on tape!
Cloud: Then it's decided! We're off to Rocket Town! To the Highwind!
Aeris: Cloud... we haven't got the Highwind. It's been handed back over to the authorities in Junon.
Cloud: ...Looks like we'll have to walk then. Let's go!
(cut to Rocket Town. Cid is standing by his new rocket)
Cid: Ah, my pride and joy! This is quite possibly the best thing I've ever built. Better than Tiny Bronco, better than Shin-Ra No. 26, better than...
(Cloud approaches)
Cloud: Hey Cid! Whatcha doing?
Cid: G'ah! Cloud! Why must you sneak up on me like that?!
Cloud: Sorry! So, is this the new rocket?
Cid: Yep! This is my ticket to outer space! As soon as it's up an' running, I can leave all you losers alone on the ground and conquer new worlds!
Cloud: (yawns) That's nice. Hey, check out that scratch in the paint work. It sure does spoil the look of it, huh?
Cid: What?! (looks at the top of the rocket) How did that happen?! I'll have to go up and give it another lick of paint! (to Cloud) You wait here! (climbs to the top of the rocket and begins to paint the tip)
(Tifa and Aeris approach Cloud)
Tifa: Hey Cloud. What's Cid doing?
Cloud: Oh, he's just taking care of his new pride and joy.
Aeris: Yoohoo! Cid! Down here! You're doing a bang up job!
Cid: Huh?! (turns around to face his friends) Than-
(he loses his footing and falls off the rocket. He lands inside a box of old, rusty tools)
Cloud: Did you get that, Aeris?
Aeris: Yep! (holds up the video camera) We're bound to win with this one!
Cloud: Excellent!
Tifa: Uh, guys? Shouldn't we see if Cid's okay?
Cloud: Aw, he's fine! C'mon, let's post this video off to the TV studios!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Barrett are watching TV in the basement)
Barrett: I don' get it... why the hell we watchin' this trash anyway?
Cloud: Aeris and I sent a video in! If they show it, we get 10,000 gil!
Barrett: Ya gonna share it wit' your friends though, right?
Cloud: Uh, sure, sure, whatever.
(cut to the TV screen. The host of "Midgar's Funniest Home Videos" walks onto the stage)
Rob Daget: We've got some great videos to show you tonight, folks, but let's get the really crappy ones out of the way first though. The quality of this first video tape is so bad, it's hard to tell exactly what the hell's going on.
(a video clip begins. An extremely blurred figure is shown falling from some kind of pointy tower-like object. The clip then blanks out into darkness. The audience sit in silence)
Rob Daget: Once again I say to myself: what the hell was that all about?! Heh heh! Well, I won't embarrass the person who was dumb enough to send this trash in, but I'm afraid, Mr. S, you won't be receiving your 10,000 gil due to the extreme crapness of your video tape. Heh heh! Better luck next time!
(cut back to the party on the couch)
Cloud: ????
Aeris: What the heck?!
Tifa: You guys totally blew it...
Cloud: No!! How could this happen?!
Barrett: (holds up the video camera) This is your problem, man. Ya didn't clean the lense.
Cloud: Dammit! Now we'll have to make another funny video!
Tifa: I don't know if you should bother...
Cloud: No, you heard the guy on TV. He said better luck next time. We WILL have better luck NEXT time!! Let's get to it, Aeris!
Aeris: I'm sorry, Cloud, I'd love to help, but I have to go feed my chocobo.
Cloud: What?! But we've got important stuff to take care of! This is no time to be thinkin' about your damn chocobo!
Aeris: It's that time of the month again, Cloud. I have to go see her.
Cloud: Crap!
Aeris: Say, why don't you come with me? It might help you unwind a little.
Cloud: All right. I'll come. Hey, I could bring the video camera with us. You know how funny country folk are.
(cut to the Chocobo Ranch. Aeris is in the stable with her chocobo. Cloud is with Choco Billy and Chloe)
Cloud: (to Choco Billy) C'mon, you must be able to do something funny! Can't you walk on your hands or something?
Choco Billy: I can brush my teeth while hangin' upside down. Will that do ya?
Cloud: ...no.
Aeris: Okay Aeris, you're all clean now!
Aeris the Chocobo: WARK!!
Aeris: I'll be back to clean you out again in another month.
Aeris the Chocobo: WARK!! WARK!!
Aeris: What's the matter, Aeris?
Aeris the Chocobo: WARK!!
Choco Billy: Not so fast, city girl. Your chocobo's been a bit under the weather lately. I think it's time ya took her out for a walk or somethin'. Let her have some fresh air, darn it. Chocobos can't be expected to stay couped up indoors forever, ya know.
Aeris: Oh, but Cloud and I need to make a hilarious home movie!
Choco Billy: Ya don't deserve to keep an animal, flower girl. Maybe I should get my grandpa to put a bullet in your precious chocobo.
Aeris: Okay, okay! I'll take her out for a while! Just don't shoot her!
(she opens her chocobo's pen and leads it outside with Cloud)
Chloe: Must you always threaten people like that all the time, bro?
Choco Billy: Heh, it never fails though, does it?
(cut to the marshes. Cloud, Aeris and her chocobo are just outside the marshlands)
Aeris: I'm just gonna let Aeris have a little run around in the marshes to exercise her legs, all right? You wait here and then we'll continue with our home movie.
Cloud: (checking the camera) Okay, just don't take all day about it. We're wastin' valuable time here.
Aeris: Come on, Aeris. (climbs onto the chocobo's back) Let's go! (kicks the chocobo lightly)
(the chocobo takes Aeris deep into the marshes. Cloud watches with the video camera. Once Aeris and her chocobo have made it half way through the marsh, the Midgar Zolom rises up from nowhere. It hisses at Aeris and her chocobo)
Aeris: Ahh! Uh, don't panic, Aeris! T-Try not to move! It can't see us if we don't mo-
(the Midgar Zolom strikes forward and pulls Aeris off the chocobo. The chocobo runs back towards the Chocobo Ranch in fear. The Midgar Zolom then swallows Aeris whole. Choco Billy approaches the marsh as the chocobo runs by)
Choco Billy: Oh my God, the Midgar Zolom swallowed the flower girl!
Cloud: (takes the camera away from his face) Yeah, but I got it all on tape!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are watching TV in the basement)
Tifa: So what kind of video did you make this time, Cloud?
Cloud: (laughs) Uh, you'll see.
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Tonight's show promises to the best one ever. Watch this first tape, sent to us by a Mister Cloud Strife. It's #@$%^&* hilarious!
(a video clip begins. Aeris is shown on her chocobo's back)
Voiceover: Oh, I'm just a little chocobo! Oh! (the Midgar Zolom appears and hisses at the pair) Oh, crap! This snake looks pissed! (the Midgar Zolom strikes and pulls Aeris off the chocbo's back) #@$% this! I'm outta here! (the chocobo runs off)
(the Midgar Zolom swallows Aeris. The clip ends and the audience laugh hysterically)
(cut back to the party on the couch)
Tifa: Oh my God, you video-taped killing Aeris!
Cloud: Yeah, it's neat, huh?
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Heh heh! I told you it was funny, didn't I?! Boy, that snake is sure gonna get some serious indigestion tonight!
(cut back to the party on the couch)
Tifa: How can he make fun of Aeris getting killed like that?! That's disgusting!
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Congratulations Cloud Strife, you should receive your check in the mail in a couple of days. Don't spend it all at once.
(cut back to the party on the couch)
Cloud: Yes! Yesss!! I'm ah gonna be rich! (gets up and dances like a maniac)
Barrett: Damn show off!
Cloud: Woo hoo! Yes! Yesss!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END__________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Midgar's Funniest Home Videos
(open to 7th Heaven. Cloud is watching television in the basement)
(cut to the TV screen. The words "Midgar's Funniest Home Videos" appear in grey letters. The letters fade out and are replaced by an audience filled TV studio. The host of the show walks out on stage)
Host: Hello, and welcome to "Midgar's Funniest Home Movies." I'm your host, Rob Daget. (the audience clap and cheer) Thanks folks! Man, this city has gone to hell lately, huh? I visited the Honey Bee Inn last night... I couldn't see the queen anywhere! (the audience sit there in silence) Uh, have you seen the price of hotel rooms here in the Slums? I'd rather spend the night in a cardboard box than pay for their services! (the audience are silence) These are the jokes, folks!
Audience Member: For Christ Sake, get on with the show, dude!
Rob Daget: (nervous laugh) Okay, we've got some great home videos to show you today, folks! Let's start with this one! Roll film, guys!
(a video clip begins. A mu is shown in the middle of a field. Moments later, a kid runs into it and kicks it into the air. The mu flies over an American football goal post. The kid cheers. The clip ends and the audience laugh)
Rob Daget: Heh heh! Wasn't that great, folks?
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: (laughs hysterically) The mu...! The kid kicked it over the goal post...! It works on sooo many levels!! (laughs hysterically again)
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Let's see another one! Heh heh!
(a video clip begins. Five family members (I don't have to tell you it's the Simpsons) are sitting at the dinner table. Bart farts (heh, that rhymes!) and Homer goes nuts)
Homer: Why you little! (strangles his son)
(the clip ends and the audience laugh even harder than before)
Rob Daget: Boy, that must be the most dysfunctional family EVER! Heh heh!
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: (laughs) He... he farted at the dinner table! (laughs again)
(Tifa and Aeris walk into the room)
Tifa: (to Aeris) Look at him. On his butt in front of the TV again.
Aeris: Aw, doesn't he look just sooo cute when he's laughing?
Tifa: ...uh, yeah.
Aeris: (looks at the TV screen) Ooh, look! It's the Rob Daget show! (to Cloud) Move over! (Cloud moves over and she sits beside him)
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for tonight. Tune in tomorrow for another montage of hilarious clips from ordinary people. Oh, and just a small reminder to all you viewers out there: send us your funniest home videos and you could win 10,000 gil. Good luck.
(cut back to Cloud and Aeris on the couch)
Cloud: Wow! Ten thousand gil! I could make a funniest home video!
Tifa: Cloud, are you nuts? It takes skill and determination to make a funny home movie that everyone can enjoy.
Cloud: What do you mean?! Anybody can make a hilarious video! You just get someone to do a bunch of crazy stuff and film 'em! How hard can that be?
Aeris: I agree with Cloud.
Tifa: (quietly) Why doesn't that surprise me?
Aeris: I'll help you make a funny movie if you want, Cloud. Whaddya say?
Cloud: I say... let's get to work!
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cloud and Aeris are outside 7th Heaven. Aeris has a video camera)
Aeris: So what sort of home video should we make?
Cloud: It should be the kind of video that you can laugh your ass off to without hesitation.
Aeris: I know! We could film one of our friends doing something stupid! Cid is always doing crazy things - we should try and capture him on tape!
Cloud: Then it's decided! We're off to Rocket Town! To the Highwind!
Aeris: Cloud... we haven't got the Highwind. It's been handed back over to the authorities in Junon.
Cloud: ...Looks like we'll have to walk then. Let's go!
(cut to Rocket Town. Cid is standing by his new rocket)
Cid: Ah, my pride and joy! This is quite possibly the best thing I've ever built. Better than Tiny Bronco, better than Shin-Ra No. 26, better than...
(Cloud approaches)
Cloud: Hey Cid! Whatcha doing?
Cid: G'ah! Cloud! Why must you sneak up on me like that?!
Cloud: Sorry! So, is this the new rocket?
Cid: Yep! This is my ticket to outer space! As soon as it's up an' running, I can leave all you losers alone on the ground and conquer new worlds!
Cloud: (yawns) That's nice. Hey, check out that scratch in the paint work. It sure does spoil the look of it, huh?
Cid: What?! (looks at the top of the rocket) How did that happen?! I'll have to go up and give it another lick of paint! (to Cloud) You wait here! (climbs to the top of the rocket and begins to paint the tip)
(Tifa and Aeris approach Cloud)
Tifa: Hey Cloud. What's Cid doing?
Cloud: Oh, he's just taking care of his new pride and joy.
Aeris: Yoohoo! Cid! Down here! You're doing a bang up job!
Cid: Huh?! (turns around to face his friends) Than-
(he loses his footing and falls off the rocket. He lands inside a box of old, rusty tools)
Cloud: Did you get that, Aeris?
Aeris: Yep! (holds up the video camera) We're bound to win with this one!
Cloud: Excellent!
Tifa: Uh, guys? Shouldn't we see if Cid's okay?
Cloud: Aw, he's fine! C'mon, let's post this video off to the TV studios!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Barrett are watching TV in the basement)
Barrett: I don' get it... why the hell we watchin' this trash anyway?
Cloud: Aeris and I sent a video in! If they show it, we get 10,000 gil!
Barrett: Ya gonna share it wit' your friends though, right?
Cloud: Uh, sure, sure, whatever.
(cut to the TV screen. The host of "Midgar's Funniest Home Videos" walks onto the stage)
Rob Daget: We've got some great videos to show you tonight, folks, but let's get the really crappy ones out of the way first though. The quality of this first video tape is so bad, it's hard to tell exactly what the hell's going on.
(a video clip begins. An extremely blurred figure is shown falling from some kind of pointy tower-like object. The clip then blanks out into darkness. The audience sit in silence)
Rob Daget: Once again I say to myself: what the hell was that all about?! Heh heh! Well, I won't embarrass the person who was dumb enough to send this trash in, but I'm afraid, Mr. S, you won't be receiving your 10,000 gil due to the extreme crapness of your video tape. Heh heh! Better luck next time!
(cut back to the party on the couch)
Cloud: ????
Aeris: What the heck?!
Tifa: You guys totally blew it...
Cloud: No!! How could this happen?!
Barrett: (holds up the video camera) This is your problem, man. Ya didn't clean the lense.
Cloud: Dammit! Now we'll have to make another funny video!
Tifa: I don't know if you should bother...
Cloud: No, you heard the guy on TV. He said better luck next time. We WILL have better luck NEXT time!! Let's get to it, Aeris!
Aeris: I'm sorry, Cloud, I'd love to help, but I have to go feed my chocobo.
Cloud: What?! But we've got important stuff to take care of! This is no time to be thinkin' about your damn chocobo!
Aeris: It's that time of the month again, Cloud. I have to go see her.
Cloud: Crap!
Aeris: Say, why don't you come with me? It might help you unwind a little.
Cloud: All right. I'll come. Hey, I could bring the video camera with us. You know how funny country folk are.
(cut to the Chocobo Ranch. Aeris is in the stable with her chocobo. Cloud is with Choco Billy and Chloe)
Cloud: (to Choco Billy) C'mon, you must be able to do something funny! Can't you walk on your hands or something?
Choco Billy: I can brush my teeth while hangin' upside down. Will that do ya?
Cloud: ...no.
Aeris: Okay Aeris, you're all clean now!
Aeris the Chocobo: WARK!!
Aeris: I'll be back to clean you out again in another month.
Aeris the Chocobo: WARK!! WARK!!
Aeris: What's the matter, Aeris?
Aeris the Chocobo: WARK!!
Choco Billy: Not so fast, city girl. Your chocobo's been a bit under the weather lately. I think it's time ya took her out for a walk or somethin'. Let her have some fresh air, darn it. Chocobos can't be expected to stay couped up indoors forever, ya know.
Aeris: Oh, but Cloud and I need to make a hilarious home movie!
Choco Billy: Ya don't deserve to keep an animal, flower girl. Maybe I should get my grandpa to put a bullet in your precious chocobo.
Aeris: Okay, okay! I'll take her out for a while! Just don't shoot her!
(she opens her chocobo's pen and leads it outside with Cloud)
Chloe: Must you always threaten people like that all the time, bro?
Choco Billy: Heh, it never fails though, does it?
(cut to the marshes. Cloud, Aeris and her chocobo are just outside the marshlands)
Aeris: I'm just gonna let Aeris have a little run around in the marshes to exercise her legs, all right? You wait here and then we'll continue with our home movie.
Cloud: (checking the camera) Okay, just don't take all day about it. We're wastin' valuable time here.
Aeris: Come on, Aeris. (climbs onto the chocobo's back) Let's go! (kicks the chocobo lightly)
(the chocobo takes Aeris deep into the marshes. Cloud watches with the video camera. Once Aeris and her chocobo have made it half way through the marsh, the Midgar Zolom rises up from nowhere. It hisses at Aeris and her chocobo)
Aeris: Ahh! Uh, don't panic, Aeris! T-Try not to move! It can't see us if we don't mo-
(the Midgar Zolom strikes forward and pulls Aeris off the chocobo. The chocobo runs back towards the Chocobo Ranch in fear. The Midgar Zolom then swallows Aeris whole. Choco Billy approaches the marsh as the chocobo runs by)
Choco Billy: Oh my God, the Midgar Zolom swallowed the flower girl!
Cloud: (takes the camera away from his face) Yeah, but I got it all on tape!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are watching TV in the basement)
Tifa: So what kind of video did you make this time, Cloud?
Cloud: (laughs) Uh, you'll see.
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Tonight's show promises to the best one ever. Watch this first tape, sent to us by a Mister Cloud Strife. It's #@$%^&* hilarious!
(a video clip begins. Aeris is shown on her chocobo's back)
Voiceover: Oh, I'm just a little chocobo! Oh! (the Midgar Zolom appears and hisses at the pair) Oh, crap! This snake looks pissed! (the Midgar Zolom strikes and pulls Aeris off the chocbo's back) #@$% this! I'm outta here! (the chocobo runs off)
(the Midgar Zolom swallows Aeris. The clip ends and the audience laugh hysterically)
(cut back to the party on the couch)
Tifa: Oh my God, you video-taped killing Aeris!
Cloud: Yeah, it's neat, huh?
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Heh heh! I told you it was funny, didn't I?! Boy, that snake is sure gonna get some serious indigestion tonight!
(cut back to the party on the couch)
Tifa: How can he make fun of Aeris getting killed like that?! That's disgusting!
(cut to the TV screen)
Rob Daget: Congratulations Cloud Strife, you should receive your check in the mail in a couple of days. Don't spend it all at once.
(cut back to the party on the couch)
Cloud: Yes! Yesss!! I'm ah gonna be rich! (gets up and dances like a maniac)
Barrett: Damn show off!
Cloud: Woo hoo! Yes! Yesss!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END__________
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