WARNING: Contains some material Jacob fans may not like. If you don't like people teasing him, I suggest you don't read this. For those who don't care, proceed.
Picking up after Edward makes a call to Bella's house in New Moon and Jacob answers
"Jake, why are you such a insensitive, inconsiderate, jerk? That is my phone! Now, who was it that you so rudely answered the phone to?" I asked annoyed. It could have been important! And he was just about to…ugh. Kiss me. I couldn't even think of the word without wanting to gag at this moment.
"Relax, Bella. It was just a dumb bloodsucker." Jacob put his hand on my shoulder as if that might calm me down.
"WHO!?" I grabbed his hand and threw it at him. "YOU IDIOT! WHO WAS IT!?"
"Jeez. Don't have a heart attack! It was that stupid doctor! Carlisle." He paused and his eyes widened when he saw I was still as angry as I was a few seconds ago. "Ah, Bella, don't tell me you're have an affair with the doctor!"
"Oh, yeah. I'm totally having an affair with Carlisle. I fell for him WHEN HE SAVED MY LIFE LAST YEAR! No, you dummy, I'm not having an affair with him! But maybe if I talked to him he could make…" I had to work up the strength to say his name. "Edward come back." I had been this close to talking to him! I could've killed Jacob then if Alice hadn't walked into the room. Her eyes were wide and she looked as if she were going to be sick if that were possible.
"Bella," she choked out.
"Alice? Are you okay?" I asked worried. I went over to her and put my hands on both of her shoulders. "What's wrong?"
"Edward is going to DIE!"
"Why!?" I asked.
"He never said goodbye," Jacob muttered.
"You're gonna make me cry," I said.
"ENOUGH WITH THE RHYMING!" Alice shouted. "He's going to Nunterra!"
I felt like the walls were crumbling down on me. Everything I knew and loved was coming to an end. Nunterra, I repeated the word in my head. "NO!" I yelled. He was going to have the Nuntrio kill him! "We have to stop him!"
"Oh, good, you're not as ignorant as I thought. That was Edward on the phone. He thinks you are dead because your dog told him Charlie was at a funeral. Edward took it as yours!" Alice explained.
"Let's go and save him!"
"Write Charlie a note. I'll go pack your things."
I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and wrote, Dad, there was an emergency that came up. Must leave and help Edward. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Make sure Jake isn't being stupid while I'm gone.
"Hey! I'm not stupid!" Jacob said as he read the note over my shoulder.
"Psh. Okay." I laid the note on the table and Alice ran downstairs, duffel bag in hand. She handed me my passport and we ran outside to get in her car.
"Be careful, Bella," Jacob said as I hopped into the Mercedes.
"'Kay. Crash into a tree with your motorcycle. Bye!" I answered and we sped away. The last thing I saw was Jacob's dumbfounded look on his face.
I gripped onto the armrests with all my might as the plane took off for the last time. Taking off and landing were the worst parts of flying. They always freaked me out. Thank goodness we were on the last plane until we got to Nunterra.
Once the plane was flying smoothly, Alice started talking. "So, what all did Edward tell you?" She had changed into a long sleeve shirt and jeans. She had a pair of gloves and some wide rimmed sunglasses and a hat that resembled a sombrero.
"Not much. Just that the Nuntrio were like royalty to you guys. That they made all the rules for vampires and that if I were ever to die that he was going to go to them and provoke them."
"Yes, they are like royalty. They are highly respected and you don't make them mad. Or else they will kill you. There are three main members: Mary, Catherine, and Whoopi. And the rest are just part of the guard. The guard are really there just to keep Mary, Catherine, and Whoopi safe. Don't get me wrong, they are still dangerous, but they aren't as grand as the Nuntrio. From what I can see Edward is planning to offend them verbally. He's going to wait until noon though, so I think-I hope we will make it."
"Offend them…verbally?" I asked confused. What was he going to say to them?
Alice rolled her eyes and shook her head disapprovingly. "Yo Mama jokes."
I stared at her, shocked. Yo Mama jokes?! That must be a joke itself. Why would he possibly, out of everything he could do, (walk into the sun, show off his strength, attack a human in a crowded street) choose Yo Mama jokes!? This situation was getting more and more messed up by the minute.
A old guy in the seat across the aisle from us started snoring really loudly. It was the most annoying sound I'd ever heard. Suddenly, Alice leaned over and shook the man wildly yelling, "WAKE UP! THE PLANE'S CRASHING!"
The man awoke with a start and curled into a ball ready to die any moment. When he realized it wasn't true, he glared at Alice and flipped her off. Old men could be so mean sometimes. "God, what's his problem?" Alice muttered to me.
"I don't know. Some people are just grumpy all around. He can't even take a joke," I said and sighed and laid back in the seat. I decided to take a nap. "Alice," I mumbled before unconsciousness surrounded me, "If you wake me up like that, I'll feed you to the Nuntrio."
The last thing I heard was a quiet giggle. It sounded ominous.
"Bella, wake up. We're here." She smacked my head. It wasn't supposed to hurt bad, but I hated to break it to her that granite hitting you on the head at any pressure hurt.
"Ow!" I cried. "Jeez."
She smiled impishly and I turned to look out the window. We were making our way around the landing strip.
Once we had landed and got out of the airplane, we went outside and looked for a taxi. That was a no-go. "Um, Bella?" she asked.
"Yes, Alice?"
"I might have to steal a car…Italy isn't a good place for taxis apparently. So, wait here and I'll be back to pick you up. Don't talk to strangers." She ran as fast as the human witnesses would allow and finally disappeared.
Stealing a car was obviously easier than it sounded because she was back a few minutes later, with a-…a GOLF-CART!! "Very funny, Alice. Where's the actual car?" I asked not believing what was in front of me.
"This is it." She saw my "yeah right" expression and continued. "It had the keys in the ignition."
My jaw dropped. This had to be a joke. "Can't you hotwire something?"
She rolled her eyes. "Very hilarious, Bella. Do I look black to you? Now get in or I'm going without you."
I sighed and reluctantly got into the little, white golf-cart. Why me? Seriously, what did I ever do to the world to make it hate me so much? I slouched down in the seat too embarrassed to face the Italian world. Maybe it was just in my imagination that it took forever to get to our destination, but I had a good feeling it was due to the fact that the golf-cart could only go twenty miles per hour. Out of everything she could have stolen, she chose a golf-cart. Couldn't she have stolen a…I don't know…a Porsche 911 or something?
"Okay, Bella. Edward's waiting in an alley. He's at the Santo Rosario Cappella. Just ask someone where that is if you get lost. Or if someone speaks English, Holy Rosary Chapel. Just take that alley." She pointed to an alley as we stopped. "And keep going until you see a chapel. He's there in an alley beside the church. I'll meet you there. I have to find a place to stash the cart."
I hopped out and started running through the alley. I kept going and going and soon I was out of breath. How far was this chapel? I wasn't speedy and I didn't have endurance like the Cullen's. If only I was a vampire. I could have gotten there by now! Just then, I saw the church ahead. It was small. Smaller than I expected. I thought they were royalty. Maybe it was all a hoax.
"Edward!" I called when I caught sight of him. He was even more beautiful than my memory had given him credit for, but I didn't have time to think about his perfection. I had to save him first. "Edward!" I said again and ran into his rock-hard body and got the wind knocked out of me. I almost fell to the ground when he caught me. "Edward, don't tell them Yo Mama jokes!" I told him once I had enough breath.
"I didn't tell them Yo Mama jokes, but they kill me, anyways. Huh. They're very fast. I didn't even feel it. So, why is hell set in Italy? Or is this just decorations?"
"We're not dead yet! But we will be if we don't get out of here!" I tried desperately to pull him, to make him start running. He didn't budge. And suddenly, it clicked. He pulled me behind him and stood protectively in front of me. Hearing something too quiet for my ears and seeing something that the dark shadows wouldn't let me see. When suddenly, after what seemed like hours of waiting, I saw three tall figures in long, black, hooded, cloaks step out from the shadows.
"Lucy, Joseph, Daisy, I think I'll be leaving now. Never mind my requests," Edward said firmly but a little frightened. Alice popped out of no where and stood next to Edward. That's when the trio threw down their hoods.
"Nonsense. Come with us. Or pay," the front/middle one said.
Edward got a confused look on his face. "Um, I think I actually do have a hundred dollars with me. I could pay now…" He reached into his pocket.
"Great, now look what you did, Lucy. You gave them a way out," the one to the right said and gave Lucy a disapproving look. "You can't pay your way out Edward. Now, come with us or I will sentence you ten years in hell."
"You don't have the authority to do that, Daisy!" Alice complained. Nothing was making sense to me. How in the world would anyone but God have the authority to sentence anyone to hell? And why would it only be for ten years? I thought once you went, you were stuck.
"Yeah, you're probably right. But Mary does. Now hurry up, we don't want to keep them waiting." They started making their way back into the shadows and they replaced their hoods back over their heads. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist and started to pull me in their direction with Alice following on my other side. I was so confused and I knew it showed so Alice started whispering in my ear.
"Those three are some of the guards."
I nodded. But that wasn't the only question I had. I was just to afraid to ask. I couldn't whisper as quietly as a vampire could and I supposed I'd find out soon enough.
The three guards led us into the back door of the tiny chapel. Besides the fact I was surrounded by vampires, it felt like I was going to Sunday church. NOT! The male guard, (obviously, Joseph.) lifted up a rug and revealed a trap door. He grabbed the ring and pulled the door up.
It was pitch black below and I didn't want to go down there. Joseph motioned for us to go first. Probably to make sure we didn't make a run for it when they reached the bottom. So, Alice went first. She climbed down the ladder and when she reached the bottom, she called up to us. "It smells like crap down here!"
"Oh, yes," Lucy said as if just remembering something. "Joseph had an accident last week and the poor thing couldn't tell us." She looked to Joseph sadly and back at Edward and me. "He's taken a vow of silence."
We looked to Joseph and he shrugged.
"Alright, Bella. Down you go." Edward gently pushed me forward. "I'll follow right after you."
I let out a whimper but went and stood on the ladder and made my way down. Alice was right, it did smell like crap! "Oh, God!" I exclaimed pinching my nose.
"That's a week in hell for you, mortal girl!" It sounded like Daisy's voice calling down to me.
"You don't have the authority!" Alice reminded her smugly as I reached the bottom and stood beside her.
"Oh, hush!" she called down as Edward started down. "Dumb psychic," she then muttered.
Once we all had reached the bottom, we started down a dark passageway. It was chilly down here and it smelled bad. I clung to Edward's side and that didn't help my chills, but at least he smelled good. Better than I remembered.
Finally, I saw light ahead. I was almost too relieved to see again clearly to be able to be frightened. But that wore off when I felt Edward tense beside me and saw Alice's hands clenched into little balls. We made our way into the brightly lit room and then stopped. "Wait here," Daisy told us. "Joseph and I are going to go retrieve the Nuntrio. Lucy, stay here and guard them." Then her and Joseph hurried off into another room and we were left to wait. Edward and Alice didn't say anything, but I wondered if Alice was telling him things through her brain. I couldn't be positive, they hid it well if they were.
Suddenly, Joseph and Daisy appeared. "All bow your heads for the Nuntrio," Daisy said and her and Joseph stepped aside, ducking their heads. I saw Lucy do the same and Edward and Alice too. So I slowly bowed my head, but kept my eyes up. And that's when I saw them and my jaw dropped. They were NUNS! They were wearing those black and white dresses with the head dress included.
"Wait, they're nuns!?" I exclaimed and I knew I disrupted the peace, but I didn't care.
"Well, duh, Bella. Why do you think they're called the Nuntrio?" Alice asked quietly; still keeping her head down.
"I thought they were just being clever…" I said.
"You! Human! Hush! I sentence you two weeks in hell!" the front one said pointing at me.
"NO!" Edward yelled lifting his head.
"Do you want to make it four weeks?" she asked still pointing at me.
"No," he said quietly and re-bowed his head.
"It's so cool when you do that, Sister Mary, " another one of the trio said to her.
"Why, thank you Sister Whoopi," Sister Mary replied, obviously flattered. She never took her eyes off of me.
"You're welcome. Consider it, a sister act," Sister Whoopi said and smiled.
"You may raise your heads." Sister Mary said and then turned to me. "Do you feel that, human girl?" she asked as we all raised our heads. She was still pointing at me as if she were putting a spell on me.
"Feel…what?" I asked cautiously.
"You mean you don't feel the sadness and fear inside you; eating you?"
"Umm…no."
Then Sister Mary turned to Edward. "You said she was immune to your powers, you said nothing about her being immune to other vampire's powers."
"That's because I didn't know, Sister," Edward replied.
"Sister Catherine, why don't you try?" Sister Mary asked and Edward tensed.
"Gladly," Sister Catherine said and took a step towards me. "You will do as I say…" she said in an ominous but oddly calm tone. I knew at once that she was trying to hypnotize me. "You will take a step forward…" she commanded, but I didn't take a step forward. Sister Catherine furrowed her eyebrows and tried again. "You will smack yourself over the head…"
I stood there lamely looking around at everyone that was watching me. I didn't smack my head and I wasn't planning on smacking myself anytime soon.
"Well," Sister Mary finally said. "We may not be able to damn you to Hades or hypnotize you, but we can still hurt you physically." She smiled wickedly and Edward snarled. "So, Edward, will you by any chance take up my offer and join the guard? It would be lovely having you as one of us and we could sure use your magnificent talent."
I looked to Edward to see what his reaction would be. He kept his face composed when he spoke. "No thank you," he said politely.
Sister Mary shrugged, "It's your loss…"she mumbled and turned to Alice. "Alice? What about you? Edward told me so much about you. We'd also love to have you. Your visions would be a great help."
"Thank you, but no thank you," Alice replied. She also kept her face calm; not giving any emotions away.
Sister Mary shrugged again and then turned to me. I froze. "Bella? Would you like to join the guard? I see potential." Sisters Catherine and Whoopi scoffed.
Me? Why would they want me as one of their guards? Were these nuns all high or were they just really desperate for more guards? I tried to keep my face calm and at ease like Edward and Alice did, but I knew they could all see right through me. "Um, I'm going to have to p-pass."
Sister Mary sighed dramatically. "If you change your minds…"
"We'll let you know," Edward assured her.
"I suppose that's all. Except, you know, of course, you'll have to make Bella a vampire. She knows too much."
Edward wasn't happy. That was clear. So Alice answered before he could say anything. "You have our word, Sister Mary," she said.
"Very good. And I'd rather you didn't leave until sundown. The sparkling could be a little conspicuous. You can stay here until it sets. Daisy, Joseph, take them to the main lobby."
Daisy and Joseph started towards us. Joseph went behind us while Daisy went in front of us, leading us to another brightly lit room. It was comfortable looking. It had big black leather couches and a coffee table with magazines on them. What kind of magazines did vampires read?
"We'll be back to tell you when you can leave," Daisy said and her and Joseph disappeared. The three of us took our seats on the couches and we all grabbed a magazine. The headline alone was enough to make me gasp.
Dracula Tells It Like It Is! "Why he's sick of the haters! Plus: The truth about his love affair revealed!"
I looked over to Edward's magazine. He was still browsing the cover.
Buffy Calls It Quits! Vampires Rejoice! "Why she quit!"
I gaped at it and Edward noticed and chuckled. "I guess I never told you Dracula was real, huh? Or about Buffy."
I shook my head. My mouth was hanging open. "Alice what does your magazine say?" I asked and grabbed it from her.
Blood Martini: The Drink with a Bite! "Recipe inside!"
"Hey! Give it back!" She yanked it from my hands. "I want to see the recipe! This drink looks delicious!"
Suddenly, Edward threw his magazine aside. Then he took mine and threw it too. He grabbed me and brought me into a hug. "I'm so glad we're together again!" He kissed the top of my head and I wound my arms around him. And then I was crying. That was true and nothing else mattered. Not even the fact that Dracula was real.
We held each other for awhile and Alice ignored us while she read her "Family Circle-Vampire Style" magazine. Occasionally, I heard her mumble something about how Jasper would love something, but otherwise she was silent.
It didn't seem to take long at all for Daisy and Joseph to come back to tell us that it was time to leave. Alice reluctantly put her magazine and the two guards started to lead us out another exit. We made our way to a door when another woman started walking into the hallway.
"Where's the food, Heidi?" Daisy asked, frustrated. She stopped and Joseph went up to the front to see what the commotion was.
"This hooker outfit doesn't work! I quit!" Heidi yelled and burst out in tearless sobs. Joseph put a hand on her shoulder.
"Oh, goodness. Not again! Heidi this is the third time! I would say some very bad profanities if there weren't nuns just up the hall," Daisy said angrily.
"I know! I'm sorry! I just…" I tuned her out as Edward went up to Joseph and asked him if we could leave. Joseph nodded and Edward wrapped his arm around me and towed me outside. A second later, I noticed Alice was missing.
"Where's Alice?" I asked looking around.
"She's getting your bags and…er, stealing a car," he smiled sheepishly at that last part.
"Not another golf-cart," I pleaded to no one in particular. I would kill her (well, attempt, really.) if she got another one of those lame things. I didn't think I could handle the humiliation.
"Golf-cart?" Edward asked confused. Obviously, Alice didn't/wasn't thinking about the cart. I would love it if I never had to think about it again. Or the anticipation of getting to the chapel while only being able to go twenty. That was slower than my truck! And that was hard to come by.
"Yeah, Alice stole a golf-cart to get to the chapel. It was awful."
"Awfully slow!" Alice said coming up behind me.
"Gah!" I exclaimed and almost had a heart attack. Where did she come from?
"Don't worry, silly Bella. I got a good car this time! Ha, ha, ha. This way!" she said and grabbed my free arm to pull us to the left. And what I found there, shouldn't have surprised me. Sitting there was a shiny, ostentatious, metallic blue Lamborghini Murcielago.
"Nice work, Alice!" Edward said and quickly led me up to it.
"There's just no happy medium with you, is there?" I asked in shock.
She ignored me and instead said to Edward, "You two will have to share a seat up front. I knew there wouldn't be enough room, but this car was there like a sitting duck, just begging me to steal it." And with that, she jumped into the driver's seat; practically glowing. Edward and I got into the passenger seat and I sat on his lap. Alice started the car and then stomped on the gas pedal. Edward caught me so I didn't go flying forward into the windshield. I grabbed onto his arms and he held me securely.
"Jeez, Alice! You know, one of us is still human," I said in a quivering voice.
"Bella, I was thinking. Maybe I should learn how to hotwire a car. It'd make stealing a great car like this so much easier and less rare!" She laughed at herself as I stared at the miles per hour going higher and higher on the dashboard.
"I'm sorry I said anything," I said.
"Alice, you don't know how to hotwire a car?" Edward asked sounding surprised. I turned to stare at him; bewildered. He looked at me back and gave me an angelical smile that left me too dazzled to berate him.
"No. Pity too. I could have stolen a cute little Mini Cooper for myself. I'd just have them send it to the states on a barge or something. But nooo, the person was smart and took the keys in with them."
"I'll teach you," he promised her and she turned to smile at him.
The flight back home seemed short and yet long at the same time. It was too short because the time seemed to fly when Edward and I seemed to have the plane to ourselves. It was long because Alice wouldn't shut up about how sad she was to leave the Lamborghini back in Italy. The entire time: "That was really a great car. It handled so well, and did you see how fast it could go?! Amazing I tell you. I didn't know a car like that existed. And I had to leave it! Do you know how hard that was for me? I got too attached. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did." So finally Edward said he'd get her one for Christmas. That shut her up because all she could do was smile.
All in all, it seemed too soon before we reached the Seattle airport where the entire Cullen family met us too take us home to Forks. It was back to reality. Back to the fact Edward could be leaving again at any moment. And that hurt to think about. Because like Alice had gotten too attached to the car, I was already too attached to see Edward leave again. I didn't know how I'd handle it a second time.
The family thanked me about a hundred times for saving Edward, but I missed half of it due to sleep deprivation. Finally, we headed towards the car to go home. Rosalie spend the ride home saying how sorry she was to Edward. At first he didn't seem to accept her apologies, but after she didn't stop, he finally said he accepted.
I fought my tiredness all the way to Forks until we reached my house. I was practically lifeless. That is until Charlie ran out ranting and raving. "What did you do to her?! Get away from her!" he yelled and tried pulling me out of Edward's arms.
"Let me just put her in bed, Charlie. She's extremely tired," Edward said and he must have won the argument because the last thing I felt was the soft bed beneath me and him whispering, "I'll be here when you wake up."
Two Weeks Later:
"Jake, for the love of Mary and Joseph, stop calling me!" I yelled into the receiver of the phone. "If you can't handle that I love Edward, then you can take your stupid insults and shove it right up you-"
"Bella, I'm home!" Charlie called from the doorway.
"Just listen to me, Bella. It's me or him. Choose now," Jacob said confidently.
"Him," I said instantly. That was a no-brainer.
Charlie came into the kitchen and gave me a questioning look. Probably wondering who I was talking to. He sat down at the table and started to read the paper.
"Well, you don't have to choose right now. I mean, you can think about it and get back to me." He was trying to find a way around my choice, hoping (probably) that if I slept on it for a little longer than two weeks, I'd change my mind.
"Jake, it was fun with us just being friends and all, but if you're going to make me choose, then definitely him." I paused. "Okay, even if you didn't make me choose, I'd still choose him. Get over it and find a new friend."
"But he's a stupid bloodsucker!"
"You know what? I'm not going to listen to this. You know what he calls you? He calls you Jacob, and if you are so immature to call him bad names, then…take this!" I said and hung up on him.
"Jacob again?" Charlie said and I nodded. "God, that kid is really getting annoying."
"I know. I keep telling him that I don't want to see him anymore, but does he listen? Nooo…" I sighed and sat down at the kitchen table with Charlie.
A few hours later:
Charlie and I sat at the table eating dinner silently. I wasn't sure if it was the spaghetti or if it was just that he didn't feel like talking. I took it as that he just didn't feel like conversation. When suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I didn't know who it could be. I wasn't expecting anyone. Maybe Charlie had invited Billy over or something.
I shot my dad a confused glance. He sighed and got up to answer the door. "Oh, hey Edward! It seems like it's been forever since I've seen you! Oh, and Alice too! How are you? Come in! Come in! What a great surprise!"
I sighed with relief and stood up and waited impatiently for them to come into the kitchen. I wasn't relieved for long, for when I saw Edward's expression, I knew whatever they had come to tell me, wasn't good.
"Bella, let's go for a drive, shall we?" Edward suggested.
I looked to Charlie and back at Edward. "Umm…"
"Go ahead, Bella. Have fun!" Charlie said and practically pushed me out the door. Ever since I had come back and he saw how happy I was now that Edward was back., and how I was no longer the zombie I was, he loved Edward. Sometimes I wondered if it was as much as I did.
So, I went and sat in the back seat of their Volvo. "What's this all about?" I asked worriedly as Alice got in the driver's seat and Edward climbed in back with me.
"Um, Bella. There's something we need to tell you," Edward started.
"Don't say you're leaving again! Please no!" I begged and almost started crying.
"No, no. Of course not." He looked me straight in the eye. Then he smiled. "I killed Jacob! And Billy! I pushed them off a cliff! Billy was so easy! All you had to do was roll him right off!" Alice and him burst into laughter.
My jaw dropped and suddenly I burst out laughing too. "Oh, Edward! You scoundrel! I'm so happy!" No more Jacob bugging me, no more Billy getting in my business! Hurray! Then I stopped. "Wait. What about Charlie?" I asked. "He's going to be devastated."
Edward laughed again. "Nope. He's fine with it! We told him what we were planning this morning!" Then a we burst out laughing again. "And there is one more thing. Bella?"
"Yes?"
"Will you marry me?" he asked and pulled out a ring while Alice giggled.
I broke out in a smile. "Yes! Yes!" I told him and he smiled and put the ring on my ring finger.
"Shall we go back and tell Charlie?" he asked and I shook my head.
"No, lets not go back. Let's not wait!"
"What do you propose we do?" he asked confused.
"Let's go to Vegas!" I suggested throwing my hands in the air.
"Vegas it is!" Edward laughed and Alice sped the car up.