AN: Well, you must be pretty sick and tired of me and my friend Angst by now, huh?
;pToo bad, 'coz here I am, armed with ANOTHER angst-filled songfic, AND it's my favorite pairing! D/H! Hehe, so… be nice to me and drop a review on the way out, 'coz it's what keeps me breathing. (Along with cheeseburgers and pizza and my daily dose of Daria!)
Disclaimer: All characters up ahead, and everything else even vaguely familiar to Hp lovers, belongs to the first Human Wonder of the World, JK Rowling. Everything else, like angst and OOC behavior, well… that's mine! The sentimental and rather melancholy song I'm using is "Reason For Breathing" belongs to Babyface, the master at writing emotional songs. My songfic hardly does it justice.
Dedicated to: Raf,
my reason for breathing.Reason For Breathing
If I cried like a baby
Draco sat down on his bed, a staggering sense of loss filling his body and threatening to overwhelm him. "Well… that was uncalled for…" he whispered, still stunned, still heartbroken. Why did she leave? What did I do wrong?
Would you change your mind?
Draco turned his blank, bewildered silver-grey eyes to a framed picture sitting on a finely carved table beside his bed. It was a moving photograph of two very happy young people. One, was Draco himself, but the change in his features was breathtaking. In the picture, he was open and laughing, eyes twinkling with mirth. The real Draco, which was sitting numbly on the bed, was pale and sad, fighting an inner battle.
The other one in the picture was a pretty young woman, laughing as well, holding an icecream cone in one of her hands. The other hand rested possessively on the chest of the Draco in the photograph.
If I told you I'm crazy
Draco reached out and took the picture in his hands, gazing down at it sadly, touching the cold glass that covered the photo. "Hermione…" he whispered. And at the sound of her name, the girl in the photo looked up, smiling.
It was that smile that broke Draco, that smile he was missing so much, and he flung the frame across the room in a fit of anger, and he buried his face in his hands.
Would you come running back to me?
He swallowed breakfast, ignoring the quality of the food, or even what he was eating. His heart was broken, and he cared about nothing else. Draco watched his coffee mixing itself, and he let his thoughts wander back to that day…
The harder I try to break away
flashback "Draco…" Hermione took his hand in hers, eyes downcast. Draco touched her cheek, worried. "What's wrong?"
"I… I don't think we should be like this anymore."
"What?"
"Draco, stop it. You know what I mean."
Silence…
"Draco, please understand."
"Oh, yes… I understand."
"Good."
"Hermione…"
"No, don't say anything… you'll just… mess it all up all over again."
"Please…"
"No! Stop it! Goodbye, Draco. It's over… okay?"
And he watched her walk away, with Potter beside her. The arsehole didn't even wait until they were out of sight before leaning down to Hermione and kissing her like the world was going to end.
end flashback
The more I get lost in yesterday
Draco glared down at his eggs and bacon, angrily gripping his glass. *crack* He closed his eyes against the pain in his hand, spreading through his whole arm. He didn't care about the blood… all he wanted was Hermione.
A house-elf hurried to his side, eyes bulging at the sight of Draco's bloodied hand. "Mister Malfoy, would you like me to…"
"No!" Draco got up and walked away. Sorry, Hermione.
The man you know is just a shell
Dear Draco,
I'm worried about you. You haven't been answering my letters, and you haven't been showing up for our parties either.
It was that horrible Mudblood, wasn't it? Has she cursed you, or anything? Mixing with her kind is bad enough, Draco, and falling in love is unthinkable. It's a good thing you broke up with her, but I suggest you have yourself checked with a mediwizard.
I'm more than glad to come over to your house and pay you a visit, just owl me back.
Love and kisses,
Pansy
Draco skimmed through the letter, and wrinkled his nose when he saw the name written on the bottom. He crumpled up the paper, touched his wand to it and whispered "Incendio."
Living without your life is just hell
Everywhere, there were memories. Damnit, a bottle of her perfume still stood on his desk. The balcony where they had sat and watched the sunset, the tray where he brought her breakfast every morning, the couch they had made love in…
The memories were too damn painful. Especially when he was still madly in love with the girl.
I turn on the radio just to take the hurt away
Another night and I'm missing you
Girl, it's killing me, well
Draco stopped eating regularly. He couldn't sit at that table, and bear with the memories of Hermione sitting right across him, smiling, reaching over to him to slide a teasing finger down his neck…
Draco put his head in his hands, desperately trying to forget the girl who had so easily walked into his life, and just as easily, walked out of it.
I don't want to die tonight but I think I might be going down
Draco sat up on his bed, breathing uneven, chest heaving, hair disheveled and eyes darting about wildly. I can't stand it anymore! Not another dream, please…
Dreaming about her kisses, her silken skin, her eyes that reached into his soul… when he'd wake up and realize that she would never be that close to him again.
Because the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
"Hello?"
"Potter, where's Hermione?."
"Malfoy? What do you want?"
"I bloody want to talk to Hermione!"
"She's not here."
"Shut up. You've been shagging her, and she's right beside you on the bed, in nothing but a bedsheet wrapped around her, watching you talk to me with wide eyes."
"How did you learn to use a telephone?"
"Maybe the question is why I learned how to use this bloody thing."
"Then?"
"Because I want to talk to Hermione, damnit!"
"She's not here."
"Fucking Potter…."
*click*
I don't want to close my eyes 'coz I might not see the light of day
Draco dropped the telephone receiver onto the floor of the phone booth. He glared at it, then stalked out of the booth, whispering a quick Warming Spell against the cold.
I'm almost out of air
"Where did we go wrong?" He whispered, head in hands. "I was changed when I was with her. I was… different. I was actually…" He smiled at the irony of his words. "…nice… And now that she's gone, I'm back to what I was before… a bloody arsehole…" Draco shook his head. "No, a lonely bloody arsehole."
You're my reason for breathing
"Oh god, Hermione…" Draco wrapped his arms around himself, and he could feel it, he was wasting away. "Come back. Please… and you should know yourself, Malfoys never say please."
You're my reason for breathing
Draco looked at himself in the mirror. Handsome as ever. Only the slight shadows under his eyes, and the slightest decrease in his weight were the physical signs of his heartbreak. His dusky eyes took in every inch of himself, from neat silver-blond hair to the expensive shoes on his feet.
Then his eye fell on a certain picture frame, lying broken at his feet. Draco's eyes darkened and he walked over to the fire. He threw a handful of glittering purple powder into the green flames, and called "Zabini!"
I don't wanna go clubbing, I got no one to dance with me
Blaise Zabini's head appeared in the fire, looking just as groomed as Draco, but definitely not as handsome. "What is it, Draco?" Draco avoided his gaze. "I'm not going tonight, Zabini, so don't expect me." Blaise looked thunderstruck.
"What?!"
"You heard me."
"But Pansy really wanted to see you…"
"I don't want to see her."
"And everyone else, like Crabbe and Goyle…"
"So?"
"Draco, you have to go!"
"No… go ahead and party without me."
"It won't be the same. And that Granger girl's going to be there, with Potter. A chance to torment them… right?"
"Do I care?!" Draco lost his temper and got to his feet. "No, I didn't think so, so shut up and sign off!" Blaise nodded quickly, and with a slight pop, disappeared from the flames.
I don't want to go shopping, I got no one to spend my money on
"I loved her, didn't I? I spent a thousand Galleons on her birthday, and that doesn't include the gift, damnit…" Draco sat by the fire, still dressed in fine clothes, clutching a glass of the finest wine in the whole of France.
Spending my time with one glass of wine
Draco took a sip from the crystal glass, and staring down into the dark red depths, swirled the wine around, creating a whirlpool in which to drown his sorrows in.
Playing solitaire just to ease my mind
"Bloody ten." Draco threw down the cards in exasperation. "Where the hell is that jack, damnit."
He swept the cards off his table, and watched as the scattered cards formed a deck before gently resting on the floor. "This isn't working."
Poured one for you, but I drank that too
Anything to kill the pain of losing you
Draco looked down at his glass. "I'm pining for her, aren't I?" He whispered hoarsely. "But I doubt…" He took a sip of the wine as dark as blood. "I doubt, I say, if drinking my way through Father's wine cellar is going to bring her back." He tipped the remaining drops of wine between his lips. "The same goes for solitaire."
The wineglass, made of wizard Swarovski, crashed onto the stone floor. "But, hell, it sure helps pass the time waiting for her."
I turn on the radio just to take the hurt away
Another night and I'm missing you
Girl, it's killing me
"Hermione, are you reading this? Because if you are, well… good, because I've got something important to say."
I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
"I wanted you to know, I miss you. Damnit, I need you."
Because the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
"I don't know the exact reasons you walked out on me with bloody Potter, and I'd like to know. Because I've been missing you since that day, and I haven't exactly been the same. Ask Zabini and Parkinson.
I've tried to contact you, even to the extent of asking some old, blind Muggle how to use a bloody telephone. I hope you're paying attention, because it's as painful as hell to write this."
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
"Damnit, Hermione! Every night, I lie awake with my eyes wide open, simply because if I fall asleep, I'll dream about you… and the pain I have to face when I wake up. Why is this happening? Why did you leave me?"
I'm almost out of air
"Do you want to know something? Parkinson, that pushy bitch, told me get myself checked by a mediwizard. She sent some over to the Manor the next day. I was malnourished, damnit. I stopped eating, because my house-elves don't cook the way you do. Because when I eat, I can feel your hand on my shoulder, reaching up under my shirt, your lips on my cheek, your scent in my hair.
You always liked to ambush me at the breakfast table, didn't you?"
You're my reason for breathing
"I never thought I'd end up like this, pouring my heart out to someone. Someone who probably isn't even reading these lines. Someone who probably tossed this into her fire the moment she read the name on the outside of the envelope."
You're my reason for breathing
"Someone whom I once loved… and who I still do."
So I'm reaching out on this distant line
"This is costing me a lot. I thought you might want to know that. Not through money, I have a lot to spend, and I would gladly give it all up to talk to you face to face this very moment. But this is costing me my pride, and if you've ever really loved me all long, you'll know that that's got to hurt."
Hoping deep inside your heart's gonna find a reason
To keep me breathing
"I still don't know what I did to make you leave me… but whatever it was, I apologize for it. I'm sorry, Hermione. Understand that you're the sole reason I'm alive. I live for you, and for all your worth."
But I'm lost in this pain and I don't have much time
I'm so tired of walking this same old line
"You don't know what I look like now, do you? That's good. Because, I'm thin. No, not slender, as you used to say I was, when after love-making, you'd run your hand down my side, smile and tell me I'm slender.
No. nothing like I was before. People stare at me, wondering whatever happened to the handsome, sleek, elegant Draco Malfoy. I want to tell them… his girlfriend left him, and he has no reason to live anymore."
So I'm taking my pride, gonna throw it aside
Please let me breathe girl, I'm sorry
"There. I said, it, didn't I? I apologized, and I told you just how much you mean to me. Is that enough? Will you come back? Hermione, please… I love you…"
I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
The young man, pale in the light of the candle, folded the letter, written by a shaking hand, and tied it to the leg of the black owl on his windowsill. He watched the bird fly away, melting into the inky black of the night…
He stood up and walked back to his bed, head bowed. Draco Malfoy laid his head down on the soft pillow, surrounded by riches, silk and satin, and closed his eyes.
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
She took one look at the owl, and the happy expression on her face faded. Somber, she took the letter from its leg, and shooed the owl away.
Hermione opened the letter, scanning the lines quickly. Her eyes, once cold, grew softer as she read the lines written in a handwriting unrecognizable. When she reached the end of the letter, they were filled with tears.
She buried her head in her arms and began to sob. The candle beside her flickered and went out, killed by a gust of frigid wind from the open window. The same breath of wind carried out her whispered words, blowing them into the starry night…
"Draco, I'm sorry…"
You're my reason for breathing