free to be (you and me): chapter one
When Remus opened the Daily Prophet on Wednesday morning, he wasn't expecting anything new. Maybe a few more attacks, but everyone was used to them and they weren't too bad — it was mostly just to scare the Muggleborns, he was pretty sure. But there, smack dab in the middle of the back page, was a brand new advice column.
Run by one Sirius Black.
He glanced up, startled. Sirius grinned cheekily back at him, flashing straight, white teeth.
"What do you think?" the black-haired wizard asked.
Remus looked down at the headline above the column: Disowned Black Launches Advice Column! Ask Him Anything — He Prefers to Talk About Girl Problems, Though! He snorted at that. "I think it looks awesome," he said truthfully.
Sirius beamed in thanks. "Now," he said, "if I get a single spam letter from any one of you sods, I'll..." he trailed off, trying to figure out a good punishment. "I'll make up an embarrassing story for you and sign your name, and answer it!"
•
Of course James took Sirius up on that. He sent in a woeful letter bemoaning the fact that his Gryffindor princess wouldn't spare him a glance. When it came out, Sirius had changed every feminine pronoun to a masculine one, making it sound as if James had a crush on the Gryffindor prince: himself. The entire school laughed and made fun of him for that, especially Lily, Snape, and the other Slytherins, who seemed to be glad James had been taken down a notch.
He sulked for a few days before retaliating — pranking the Slytherins by casting a Confundus charm on the blank stretch of wall that was the entrance to the Slytherin common room. Every time someone walked past they forgot where they were and what they were doing. The Slytherins spent a sleepless night with no comfortable beds. After a few choice words from Lily, he reluctantly removed the spell. Needless to say, the Slytherins were not happy.
After a few weeks, the school body lost interest in Sirius' advice column. He didn't seem to mind; he actually appeared a bit relieved.
All except Remus. The sandy-blonde snuck the section from the paper every day and read it faithfully. Despite the headline on the first edition, Sirius answered a lot more questions from guys asking about other guys instead of girls.
One day, a month after the advice column launched, Remus saw a question — though it was actually the answer that almost made his heart stop — and ripped it out to carry the scrap into the bathroom. He leaned against the wall and took in every word carefully.
•
Dear Sirius,
I'm having trouble figuring out my sexuality. When I was a kid, I had several crushes on girls. But now I think I'm attracted to boys. There's this one boy, he's a year older than me, and I really like him but I'm afraid people will judge me if I come out. But even then, what do I come out as? Please help me!
— Questioning
•
Dear Questioning,
I think all of us question our sexuality at one point or another. You could like girls but occasionally sneak a peek at a guy's — maybe one in particular — bare chest and admire the lean strength of his muscles, or like guys but sometimes take a quick glance down a girl's shirt when she leans forward.
I'm going to tell you something that only the people who read my column anymore will (now) know. I thought I was straight until I was about thirteen — when I began thinking of people in a sexual way. My parents are strict, not to mention complete homophobes, so I didn't say a thing. The person I fantasised about was my best friend. A guy.
I thought I was broken for a time there. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me, because that's just the way I was raised. But I researched — don't look so surprised; I do read sometimes — and learned that I had a name for this.
Homosexual. Gay.
Me.
You might be judged. I still haven't told anyone, because even though I know my friends would support me wholeheartedly, what about everyone else?
You sound as though you could be homosexual — or perhaps bisexual, which means you are sexually attracted to both genders.
I hope you conquer your fears. We can come out together.
S.O.B.
•
Remus stared at the piece of paper in his hands. "Questioning" sounded a lot like him. Except he liked a guy in his year.
A guy.
Holy shit, Remus Lupin was...what was he? But even more holy shit, Sirius Black was gay.
Gay. Homosexual.
Library time. Remus needed to research.
•
Remus collapsed in his chair at the library. He was still holding the newspaper scrap in his hand — although a more appropriate tem would be clenching. He was clenching the newspaper scrap in his hand.
This could be the day he finally decided what he was.
Who he was.
•
Several hours and dozens of books later, Remus was almost half-asleep. He checked his watch and found that it was nearly midnight. The lights were low and the quiet was soothing on his sensitive ears. Madam Pince had already left, casting the studious yet frantic and harried-looking boy a stern glare as if silently warning him to handle her precious books with care.
Remus had found one book that had many sexual orientations. Bisexual. Bi. He tested the word on his tongue. It felt right. He liked boys, and he liked girls. He looked at guys and girls alike — for different reasons. He looked at one when he wanted to see the attributes they had, and the other for the opposite attributes.
He spread the torn newspaper out on the table and read it again. He was so absorbed in his little world revolving around sexuality that he didn't hear anyone sneak up behind him. He did hear the person when they yelled, "BOO!"
Startled, he spun, eyes flashing amber as the wolf came out. "Sirius!" he exclaimed once he saw who it was. "Merlin, don't do that! I could have hurt you!"
"Pfft. Moony, you wouldn't dare hurt someone this good-looking." Sirius glanced around the table at all the books. "What are you —"
His eyes landed on the newspaper scrap. Faster than Remus had ever seen him move — in his human form, at least; Padfoot was much faster — Sirius snatched it up. "Where did you get this?" he asked. He was panicking a bit inside, but outwardly was the perfect picture of calm.
Remus scuffed his shoe against the carpet. "I read every letter to 'S.O.B.,'" he admitted quietly.
"This isn't true!" Sirius insisted. "I lied."
Remus blinked. "You mean you don't like guys after all?"
"Nope," said Sirius. "I made it up."
"You don't fantasise about James?" asked Remus suspiciously. He didn't believe Sirius a bit; he could smell the untruthfulness and guilt pouring off his friend in waves.
"Why would I — no, no, no. Ew, no. Not that best friend. I definitely don't fantasise about Prongs. That would be like fancying Wormtail." He made a face.
"What other best friend do you have?" Remus asked, hurt.
"Merlin's balls," Sirius said. "You really are an idiot."
Before Remus could get offended, Sirius looped his arm around the blond's waist and pulled him in to make their lips meet. All rumors about Sirius's kissing were true. He was amazingly skilled at it. Remus forced down the jealousy at the thought of how Sirius had obtained such knowledge and just focused on kissing back.
After Sirius pulled away, Remus had a dazed look in his eye. "I don't believe it was a lie after all," he said.
Sirius just laughed and leaned in to snog him again. Remus let him.