"Mom, you're not serious. Please tell me you're not serious."
"Gee, Char, thanks for the confidence boost…"
"Mom, I'm not kidding. This is a BIG mistake."
"Charley, it's a date. I'm not becoming engaged to the guy or anything."
"That's the thing! Your going on a date with…"
Charley bit his tongue and winced when he felt the blood flood his mouth. He wanted to say that his mother had officially lost her mind when she decided to accept a date on the Strip with the killer vampire next door. But this uncomfortable truth was only known by Charley…well, Charley and Evil. Again, Charley couldn't help but raise his eyes to the heavens. Evil sure knew about Jerry alright. Sometimes Charley worried that's all Evil bothered with these days. Obsessed with the guy next door…if only, Charley thought morosely as he watched his mother reapply yet another shade of lipstick, Jerry was only just a sleaze ball and not the most fearsome thing Charley had ever seen in his life. How simple it could have been. But no: somehow the Twilight warped universe had deemed it so that vampires had to be involved. Curse Stephanie Meyer.
"There," Jane Brewster straightened up and flashed Charley a smile, "Teeth?"
"Lipstick free," Charley replied glumly.
"How do I look?"
Charley had to admit: his mother had taken the time to look at least somewhat glamorous for her first date since…well, since dad left. Clad in a flatteringly cut red dress, Jane looked ready to dance the tango. Charley shuddered slightly: he really didn't need the mental image of his mother and Jerry Dandridge doing the box step.
"What?" his mom's face fell as she caught the shudder, "is it too low cut?"
Actually, yes, but Charley knew that pointing out this fact would only cause a panic and possibly some violence.
"You look great," which was true but not that Charley wanted Jerry to the recipient of this extra effort on his mom's part. Jane beamed and busily returned to the mirror, readjusting her hair for the umpteenth time. Charley glanced at his watch. Mr. Night Stalker liked dillydallying, didn't he? Probably bleaching his tie clean of Mrs. Robinson's blood.
"What you up to tonight, honey?" Jane questioned as she positioned herself on the edge of the bed. Her strappy high heels, the ones she saved for really important clients looking for real estate in Nevada, sat by her feet like happy kittens waiting to be pampered. Charley shrugged,
"Dunno. Finish up some homework maybe?" Unlikely but it was worth pointing out.
"Good for you. Get it done so you have the weekend free. What time is it?"
"Quarter to. You know what they say about men who can't keep on time…"
"Oh, stop it. I'm sure Jerry's right on his way. He lives next door, for goodness sake!"
What a pity. Charley sighed openly and looked longingly at the window,
"Where you two going anyway? You look ready to go dancing."
"A girl can dream, huh? No. Jerry said he knew this really nice Italian place off the Strip. Good food and good service, he promised."
And Jerry would know all about the service, wouldn't he? For all Charley knew, he probably had a mental menu of ethnicities instead of just Type O negative: Italian, French, Indian…maybe they all had different flavors. Charley could easily picture Jerry ordering a plate of meatballs while calculating his chances of getting to the chef before closing time.
"Sounds…cool," Charley managed and watched wearily as his mom tugged on her shoes. Barefoot she still stood a few inches taller than he. Now, he had to look up to meet her eyes.
"I left a twenty for you to order a pizza, okay? I shouldn't be out too late. Jerry promised to have me home before midnight."
Charley swallowed and tried to banish the image of his mother stumbling home in the dark with bite marks on her neck.
"Yeah…mom, is it okay if I ask Amy to come over? You know, for a movie or something?"
"Of course," Jane smiled and tilted her head quizzically, "Just a movie though? Be a gentleman, Charley, and take her out: it's the girl's birthday, after all."
Charley froze.
"Sorry?"
"It's the fourteenth, right? Isn't it Amy's eighteenth?"
Oh shit.
The sound of a door slamming jolted Charley out of his daze and had his mind on fast forward: Amy, dinner, eight o clock—an hour ago. He was a dead man.
"Charley Brewster!"
Charley unconsiousley recoiled from the spitting anger in his girlfriend's voice and resisted the urge to hide behind his mother as Amy, looking particularly gorgeous in a slinky black cocktail dress, entered the room in a storm of fury. Jane looked between them both in concern.
"Um, Charley…"
"Don't even try to defend him, Mrs. Brewster!" Amy snarled, eyes locked on Charley the way a snake might lock eyes with the mouse it was about to feed on, "Motherhood is about protecting your children but, I swear to God, Charley is going to need the Secret Service of Nevada if he's going to get out of this one alive."
"Amy, babe, I…" Charley tried but was cut off by Amy's uncontrollable growl of, "Shut up, Brewster."
"Charley, what the hell did you do?" Jane asked frantically, stepping between them as Amy advanced.
"I…"
"I'll tell you what he did, Mrs. Brewster," Amy barked, crossing her arms and giving Charley the most murderous look he had ever seen her erect in his presence, "on my birthday, he stood me up. At the fanciest hotel in Las Vegas with a reservation that called for two. The whole staff knew it was my birthday and I had to sit there, humiliated, when they gave me the love boat banana split. For two," she emphasized with narrowed eyes.
Charley could only guess where that banana split ended up.
"So I came here. I guessed Charley could only be, you know, in a coma or suffering multi-personality disorder or being dead to have forgotten about a day he's been planning for weeks."
"Amy, you have to calm down."
"I'm calm, Charley. Now, anyway."
"Really?" she didn't look it. Her cheeks were flushed bright pink and her hands were balled into fists. Jane raised an eyebrow.
"Amy, honey, why don't you go back downstairs and fix yourself a cup of tea: I'll be down in a minute."
"Sure." Amy said tightly, "that sounds great, Mrs. Brewster. But would you mind if I finished something up first?"
"Finish what up?" Charley and Jane asked in unison.
"This,"
Without warning, Amy flung herself at Charley and wrapped her small hands around his throat. Reeling back into the dresser, Charley tried to disengage from Amy's passionate attempt at strangling him while at the same time not flinging her into a wall. It turned out his mom had thought ahead and easily pushed the two of them apart.
"Amy, that's enough. I know Charley was being an idiot but that doesn't mean you can physically attack him."
"He deserved it," Amy shrugged and pushed her hair back, "But I'm good. It's out of my system. I wasn't really going to hurt him," she added but neither Charley nor Jane looked convinced. With a smile in Jane's direction, Amy left the room. Charley could hear her clump down the stairs and, a short time later; turn on the kettle in the kitchen. Jane looked at him.
"Really, Charley? Her birthday?"
"I forgot,"
"You planned it since the beginning of the month!"
"I know,"
"You have some sweet talking to do, my boy."
"I know."
"She's scornful mad."
"I saw. And felt," Charley touched his throat bemusedly. He hoped she wouldn't leave bruises.
"Go downstairs and make nice with her. Jerry's going to be here any minute." Jane fanned herself nervously and picked up her eyeliner with doubtful fingers. Charley took the tiny stick from her and placed it back in its box.
"Your good, mom."
"Thanks, Char." It was sincere this time.
"Anyone home?"
Charley's mouth opened in surprise. Ed?
"Hi, Ed!" Jane called, catching Charley's eye with a What the Hell look before jerking her head toward the door. Without another word, she departed to the bathroom.
Charley made it to the landing and stared at Ed. His childhood friend was wearing a band t-shirt he had bought forever ago and his glasses were askew.
"What are you doing here?" he asked and the question sounded like an accusation. How dare you come back? Who said you belonged back here?
Ed didn't miss the tone and leaned casually against the railing. He knew this house better than he knew his own probably.
"Coming to see if you wanted to hang out," his eyes darkened on the last two words and Charley felt he was right in assuming that "hang out" was code for "discuss the Jerry problem".
"I can't, man. Amy's here and…" Charley glanced up as said Amy came to stand in front of Ed. Her face was carefully composed.
"Hi, Ed." She greeted icily. Ed nodded coldly in acknowledgement before glancing back at Charley.
"Where's your mom?"
"Getting ready for her date," Charley bit his lip and plunged on before he could take it back, "with Jerry,"
It was incredible, really, how far the human eyes could bulge and how far the human jaw could drop. Ed looked close to having a stroke.
"With Jerry?"
"What's the problem?" Amy asked, looking between them suspiciously, "your mom is allowed to date, you know."
"Not date a v…" Ed checked himself barely in time before fixing Charley with a meaningful look, "no way, man."
"Well, she is. And here she comes." Charley plastered on a huge silencio-on-the-Jerry-problem clown grin as he saw his mother descend the stairs and place a manicured hand on his shoulder. She was looking concerned under her casual smile.
"Nice to see you, Ed. Your folks doing well?"
"Swimmingly," Ed swallowed, "You look nice, Mrs. Brewster,"
"Why thank you, Ed. At least I know that might be a slightly less biased opinion than that of my son."
"Um…Mrs. Brewster, are you really going out with Jerry Dandridge tonight?" Ed shifted foot to foot and tried to meet Jane's eye.
"Yes, a little strange, huh? It never crossed my mind that he thought about me that way. He'd always been friendly but distant, you know? Ah well. Funny how people always put up fronts for others."
"Yeah, real funny."
"I hope you enjoy your date, Mrs. Brewster," Amy looked at Charley knowingly, "see you at school, Charley."
"Amy, don't be like this. We'll go out. I'll force us into a even fancier hotel. I'll buy you, like, a dozen banana splits and you can force feed them to me in punishment. Just…wait, okay?"
"I waited for an hour already, Charley."
"I know. And I'm sorry."
"On my birthday, Charley."
"I know. And I'm sorry."
"On her birthday? Man, that sucks," Ed remarked sympathetically and Amy nodded vigorously in agreement.
"See, Ed agrees with me."
"Maybe Ed should go home." Charley hissed from behind a slightly demented smile.
"Maybe Charley should listen to Ed and hang out," Ed replied with equal intensity.
"Maybe Charley should hang out with his girlfriend," Amy suggested.
"Maybe Charley should kick Ed out of his house and take Amy out for dinner and leave his poor mother in peace," Jane kicked in. A rough knocking at the door made all four of them jump.
"That's him," Jane smoothed down her skirt and checked her breathing, "Okay, Janie girl," she muttered to herself, so low Charley could hardly register the words, "it's just like riding a bike. Get on that bike, girl."
"Hello," Jerry was clad, as usual, in black. Only his skin seemed to stand out from the night. Jane straightened her shoulders,
"You ready?"
"Of course," Jerry peered behind her and met Charley's eyes. Charley felt his stomach flip in fear.
"Charley," he greeted with a nod. Charley didn't bother nodding back. He glanced at his mom.
"Only till midnight, right?" he questioned. Jane looked surprised.
"Around midnight. Charley," she looked back at Jerry, who previously had fixed Charley with an unsmiling glare and had switched back into an easy grin when Jane had regarded him again, and pursed her lips, "is everything alright?"
"Peachy," Charley lied, "have fun, mom."
"Thanks, jellybean." Relief dawned over her face and soon the door was shut behind them after Jerry's casual farewell consisting of the words, "I'll play nice with her, no worries."
As soon as the door shut, Ed grabbed Charley's arm and shook him as if trying to shake the reason back into him.
"Man, what's wrong with you! You just let your mom go out alone with a psychopath!"
"No, I'm not." Charley reached for his hoodie and cell phone, tucking the latter into his pocket, "come on."
"Are we doing a stakeout?" Ed sounded impressed.
"That and making sure he doesn't get too close to my mom," close enough to bite he added mentally.
"Are you two insane?"
Both boys paused as they slowly registered Amy blocking the door. Her face was a mask of shock and anger.
"No way are you going to spy on your mom's date!"
"Yes, we are, Barbie," Ed snapped, pulling on his jacket, "because her date just happens to be a total lunatic!"
"Charley," Amy pleaded, crossing her arms in front of her chest, "please, you have to see how stupid this sounds."
"It's not and, Amy, I know I promised I'd take you out for your birthday. I will. But I really need your help."
"Charley, Jerry's just some guy next door. You're blowing this way out of proportion…"
"He's not just some guy, Amy." Charley took her hands as a gesture of begging, "He's bad news. Really bad news. I'm not doing this to pull a stunt on my mom or to stand you up. I'm doing this to protect my mom."
"Believe him," Ed advised unnecessarily from the now open door, "he doesn't mess with shit when it comes to his mom."
"I know," Amy snarled in return. She met Charley's eyes and he breathed a silent sigh of relief: she was pissed and confused but she was going to help him. She wasn't going to bail.
"You owe me," she whispered as she buttoned up her cardigan. Charley nodded as he followed Ed out the door to his mom's car. Charley paused to lock the door behind him: he didn't care if Jerry freaking Dandridge didn't have an invitation. That couldn't stop him from breaking down the door as an invitation for the other human sleaze balls that got a kick out of robbing peoples' homes.