Editor's Notes: Um...actually, I have nothing to say about this story except that I don't own Evangelion, or Gainax...you know, the usual...oh, wait. Actually, one thing. In Japan, they have school on Saturday and only have Sunday off. That comes into mind, because if I don't say that, then you'll be like, " Oh, man, it's a mistake! I'd better flame him because of that typo! And I'll make sure to swear, too!" So there. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! Enjoy!
An Endless Moment In Time
In the bowels of NERV, well below Central Dogma, a single figure worked hard, splicing wires and soldering metal. Sweat built on his forehead and he wiped it away with his sleeve. He swore, burning his finger. Finally, when he was finished, he stepped back to admire his handy work. A smile crept across his face as he pressed the button on his remote, starting the eighteen-hour timer. He headed to the service elevator and began to travel back to the main levels.
***
An hour later...
Gendo sat at his desk, Fuyutsuki behind him. They stared at the command center below them, surveying the monotony of a usual NERV day. Suddenly, a message popped up on the main screen.
MAGI.exe has performed an illegal action and must be shot down.
OK Details
Ritsuko Akagi stood up and turned to Gendo.
" We're going to be blind without the MAGI, sir," she said. The commander nodded.
" Prepare to reboot."
The command center became a bustling hive of activity as technicians and operators ran to their computer consoles, busily making back-up copies of all memory files and putting other programs on stand-by. Finally, NERV was ready for a reboot.
Ritsuko sat at the MAGI central console and began to type.
" Access main operating system...reboot main operating system...access secondary operating system...reboot secondary operating system..." she muttered as she typed. She finished and hit enter with a satisfying and heavy tap. Suddenly, the screen began to display the same sentence over and over, and a figure wearing a hood that obscured his face appeared on the screen.
" Uh uh uh...you didn't say the magic word....uh uh uh...you didn't say the magic word," it repeated over and over again.
" Please!!!" shouted Ritsuko, slamming on the console and nearly swallowing her cigarette. " God damn it, I hate this hacker crap!"
" Go to red alert," said Gendo, quickly standing up.
***
Shinji returned home to find Misato drinking. He was not surprised at this. In fact, he would be surprised if she wasn't drinking.
" Good afternoon, Misato-san."
" Hello, Shinji," she said without removing the beer from her lips. About three seconds after Shinji entered, Asuka walked in.
" Hi, Misato-san!" she said cheerfully.
" Hello, Asuka," she said without removing the beer from her lips. Shinji sat down at the kitchen table and removed his schoolbooks. He opened his notebook and began to do his homework.
" C'mon, Shinji," said Asuka, " It's Saturday! Why don't you come with me to the mall?"
Shinji looked up, literally surprised this time. Why is Asuka being nice to me? Hmmm....well, I'd better not look a gift horse in the mouth.
" Ok, Asuka, let's go." Asuka ran to her room and grabbed her purse, then walked out to the hallway.
Yes! I keep being nice to baka-Shinji, and he'll buy me those expensive shoes for sure!
She grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the elevator.They arrived at the mall about a half hour later. Asuka quickly dragged Shinji into the nearest department store, Saks Fifth Avenue. Shinji stood in wonder at the lovely decorations and the interesting displays...of women's lingerie. Asuka quickly walked to a section sporting Victoria Secret's fall fashions and grabbed the slinkiest and sultriest thing she could find.
" OK, Shinji, I'm going to try this on, and when I get back, I'm gonna ask for your opinion, OK?" she said in a lusty voice. Shinji's knees began to knock and he could feel his nose about to bleed.
" O-O-OK, A-A-Asuka, that sounds g-g-great."
Asuka quickly walked into the nearest changing room. Boy, I can't believe I'm going to expose myself to Shinji just for shoes. Is what I'm doing materialistic? she thought, referring to the feeling in her stomach. She pulled on the black underwear and put on the lacy bra. No, I'm just hungry...
She stepped out of the dressing room and smiled. " Well, Shinji, whaddya think?"
Shinji reflected on his answer for 2.3 seconds. This was more time than half the people in the store, which happened to be guys, except for one girl, had to ponder what to do in this situation. They all dropped to their knees and fainted due to blood loss. Shinji, on the other hand, looked at the sultry Asuka wearing the slinky and seductive dress, and decided to skip the dropping to the knees part and merely fell backward, out cold.
Those shoes are as good as mine...
thought Asuka.***
Inside NERV HQ, Ritsuko and the rest of the command staff were desperately trying to bring the MAGI back on line. Maya succeeded in turning on a light bulb that had never turned on due to bad programming. Coincidentally, it happened to be right over Ritsuko's head. Just as she had a brilliant idea.
" Commander Ikari, I have a brilliant idea," she announced. Gendo, who had seen the light bulb flicker on above Ritsuko, had thought to himself, Wouldn't it be funny if it turned on because Ritsuko had an idea? When Ritsuko announced that she had an idea, Gendo kept his surprise on the inside.
" Yes, Dr. Akagi?"
" We can turn off the power! That should override the error message and turn on the MAGI!" she said happily. Fuyutsuki suddenly grabbed Ritsuko by the lab coat.
" NO!" he shouted. " If you do that, the results could be catastrophic! Planes could crash into the World Trade Center! The ice caps could melt...again! Cats and dogs might start getting along!!!" He breathed heavily for a minute, letting this all sink in. " My souffle might be ruined..." he added quietly. Gendo looked at him with disgust.
" Dr. Akagi, proceed as planned." That single command may have altered the events of the Third Impact, and saved all of humanity.
" But at what cost, Ikari? But at what cost?" Fuyutsuki responded to the last sentence of the previous paragraph. Gendo, having not read the last sentence of the previous paragraph, looked at Fuyutsuki with a confused look on his face.
" Huh?"
Fuyutsuki blushed, realizing his error. " Oh, nothing...nothing at all."
***
When Shinji recovered, he was in the mall's food court. Asuka was spoon feeding him a slurpee, and was herself eating a jelly donut.
" Are you OK, Shinji my sweet?"
Shinji blacked out again.
***
Misato and Kaji were in the elevator when it stopped and the lights went out. Misato began to curse to herself steadily over and over. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit......
Kaji moved closer to her.
" You know, Misato, this sitting in the dark when there's no power is kinda romantic."
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit....
" If you get...you know, scared, I'll be glad to...ahh...comfort you."
Shit shit shit shit.....huh?
" What do you mean, Kaji?" she asked. Kaji moved even closer, putting a hand on her thigh.
" Face it, Misato, I can be a pretty nice guy sometimes."
" Sometimes," she responded, " When your not being a scoundrel."
" You like me when I'm a scoundrel," Kaji said, putting his face close to hers.
" I happen to like nice men..." she said, trailing off.
" I'm a nice man..."
They kissed long and hard, and then Kaji began to unbuckle his belt. Misato began to take off her shoes. Kaji tried to take off his socks, albeit the fact that his shoes were still on. Misato attempted to remove her underwear, though she had not yet removed her skirt. The two of them began to hop around each other, not realizing that there was no way that they would be able to remove the clothes they were attempting to remove, and should do it in the proper order.
Not realizing this, the two of them passed out from exhaustion after about three minutes.
***
Finally, after many hours of waiting in darkness, Ritsuko turned on the main circuit breaker. Everyone was looking forward to returning to their games of solitaire. They were, sadly, out of luck, as when the main circuit breaker was flipped, the lights or computers did not go back on. Fuyutsuki swore.
" Well, Ikari, whatever someone did, they did it well!" he said quietly, causing Dr. Akagi to look up at them.
" How will we get the power back on, Commander?" asked Ritsuko.
" It is not a main concern, Doctor."
" Look, if that power doesn't turn on in less than twelve hours, the air is going to be used up, and we're all going to die!" she said. Commander Ikari gave a rare smile.
" Do not worry, Dr. Akagi, we'll be long evacuated by then." The female doctor looked at the Commander like he was an idiot, which he most likely was.
" Commander, how will we evacuate if there are no elevators?" Ikari's smile broadened.
" Doctor, we will simply...we will simply..."
His smile fell. He blinked twice.
" Shit."
***
Shinji was in a field of blueberries. He didn't know how or why he was in a field of blueberries, but he was in a field of blueberries. He started to walk, when he saw Asuka standing on a hill. He began to run towards her, shouting her name.
" Hi, Asuka!"
" Baka!" she replied.
" Huh?"
" Baka! Wake up, baka!!"
Shinji sat up and saw that he was lying on a bench at the food court. Asuka was looking at him in mock concern.
" Jesus, Shinji, I was almost scared there for a second. You were talking in your sleep."
Shinji blinked several times. Asuka grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to his feet.
" C'mon, Shinji, I want to do some more shopping," she said. Still slightly confused, Shinji followed her into a store very near them.
When they entered, Asuka dragged him to the shoe department.
After all that pampering, he's got to buy me those shoes. I know he will!
She put him in a chair and went to find a salesperson when she stopped dead in her tracks. Holding her desired shoes was a person she had never expected.
" Hello, Rei!" said Shinji, sitting up from his chair and walking over to her. Rei Ayanami looked up.
" Hello, Ikari-kun."
" Why are you at the mall?" asked Shinji.
" In the process of walking home from school, the heel of my shoe broke, and so I came here to purchase a new pair," she explained. " However, these shoes, while appearing to be well made, are too many yen for me, and so I must select another pair."
Asuka felt relieved that Rei wasn't going to buy her dream shoes, as they were the last pair, but quickly felt her knees lose strength when Shinji said those dark, dark words.
" Well, I'll buy them for you, Rei. I have enough money."
Asuka suddenly felt a feeling in her stomach. It was not a good feeling.
" Thank you, Ikari-kun, I would appreciate that."
It was a feeling of extreme...
" It's no problem. Let me get the sales clerk over here."
...and bitter...
" We'd like to purchase these shoes , ma'am, if you please."
...anger.
" BAKA!!!"
Shinji whirled around and saw a huge splayed hand come flying in his direction. He didn't have nearly enough time to react before the hand hit him harder than anything had ever hit him before. He did a full turn on one heel before his eyes rolled backwards and he was unconscious once more. Only this time, there would be no fiery red headed demon girl to comfort him.
***
" Dammit, Fuyutsuki, I said fix the circuit breakers, not break the circuit fixers!!!" yelled Gendo, who now had his sleeves rolled up and was underneath a service panel with a screwdriver in his mouth.
" You know, Ikari, I would've thought that you'd like to die, since you'd be reunited with Yui," said Fuyutsuki, wiping the dirt of his face.
" Well, genius, if I was OK with that, this fanfic would have no plot, and the author likes to have a plot after the complaints of a few reviewers who dislike plotless fics! Are we clear?!" he yelled, now pointing the Phillips head screwdriver menacingly at Fuyutsuki.
" Erm...crystal," replied Fuyutsuki. Gendo laid back down under the service panel and continued to work. The silence of the Command Center was broken when a fiery red headed demon girl entered and tripped over a chair.
" Schiesst!!! What dumkopf left this fucking chair here in the dark?!?" she shouted. Everyone stared at her.
" Asuka!" yelled Ritsuko. " How did you get in here?!?!"
" I came in through the goddamn sewer, and now I smell like crap! And when I turned around, that goddamn Rei was dragging that schiesstkopf baka Shinji after me, trying to ask me why I snapped with her new shoes in her mouth!!!!!!!"
Her story was verified when a smelly Rei and an unconscious Shinji stumbled into the room.
" Pilot Sorhyu, I wish to give you your present. I am sorry that I neglected to wrap it for you," said Rei, holding out the shoes. Asuka facefaulted.
" Wha?...present?"
" Pilot Ikari notified me that your day of birth was today, and explained that it was customary to buy a gift for the celebratee, and you unfortunately showed up when I was buying the gift. Fortunately Pilot Ikari caught on to my lie, and did not give away the surprise. However, you than saw fit to bludgeon Pilot Ikari with your open palm, thus rendering him unconscious."
Asuka watched Shinji wake up, and felt almost guilty. She shrugged it off and instead walked over to him with an angry look on her face.
" Why the hell didn't you tell me you knew it was my birthday?!?!?" she screamed. Shinji began to do what Shinji's do best: cower and make up excuses.
" It was going to be a surprise!" he said, close to tears.
This argument would've gone on indefinitely, if not for Gendo stepping in.
" This is all in the past now. Tell us how to enter the sewers." Rei raised her hand.
" Commander Ikari, I regret to inform you that, while the sewers do lead to this location, the tunnel collapsed shortly after Pilot Ikari and I past a certain point. It would seem that Pilot Ikari's combination of constant movement while sleeping and muttering, ' Oh, Asuka, that's it, that's it, now give some to
Misato-san' tend to vibrate off walls and make them fall over."
Everyone in the room sweatdropped, except for Shinji and Asuka, who were both red in the face and frozen with fear, but for different reasons. Shinji was frozen in a mixture of embarrassment and fear, embarrassed about talking out loud about his wet dream, and fear of Asuka, who was bright red due completely to anger. Shinji began to do the other thing that Shinji's did best: panic.
" Asuka, I-"
WHAM!
And so, Shinji Ikari was unconscious for the fourth time that day.
***
Shinji Ikari awoke in the medical room, gasping. He saw bright flashes of light behind his eyes, and couldn't catch his breath. He looked around for a familiar face, and finally saw Rei.
" Rei! REI! I CAN'T BREATHE!!" he choked out.
" The air in the headquarters is very thin. While you were sleeping, your breathing shallowed, resulting in you gasping. Take normal breaths now."
Shinji followed her suggestion and soon was breathing normally, albeit the air thin.
" Rei, what is going on? Why are the lights out?"
" I am not sure, Pilot Ikari. I believe there is a malfunction, or possibly sabotage. You should probably ask your father."
Shinji gulped and nodded. He began to walk into the main room, and saw the techs and ops bustling over dormant computers. He made his way past the chaos and managed to reach his father, checking the fuse box.
" Father, I..."
" Pass me the screwdriver."
Shinji looked around and saw a flat head screw driver. He handed it to his father.
" Phillips head."
Shinji took the screwdriver back and passed the Phillips head.
" Father, what is going on?"
Gendo swore, jerking his hand away from the small shock he received.
" Sabotauge. Nasty business," he replied. Shinji nodded, then began to walk to Ritsuko.
***
The timer on the clock had, by this time, reached less than an hour. The time ticked by, slowly but surely..."
***
Everyone had given up on the power. They looked around and were out of ideas. They looked at the clock and saw they had been inside NERV for about seventeen and a half hours. Gendo sighed, then addressed the NERV crew.
" This...is not an easy situation," he began. " It is my opinion that we will shortly be completely out of air, and we will all die. I highly suggest you make any possible final arrangements and repent your sins." With those words, he sat down and steepled his fingers.
Everyone took in Ikari's words with grim realization. They looked at one and other, saw their comrades gasping for breath, then began to silently put demons to rest before their death.
***
In the elevator that served as Kaji and Misato's prison, Kaji and Misato were sitting on the floor, scantily clad and talking.
" We've been in here for almost an entire day," said Kaji with a sad smile.
" Mmm," agreed Misato, looking at her watch.
" The GeoCenter can't have much air left," he said.
" Mmm," agreed Misato, somewhat sadly.
" I love you."
" Mmm."
***
As the clock was reaching the ten minute mark, and everyone was performing their own prayer or ritual, Fuyutsuki cleared his throat.
" Allright, I've had enough of this," he said. He walked to his computer and typed a few simple commands.
Instantly, the lights in the GeoCenter illuminated, and air began to fill NERV HQ. Fuyutsuki checked his wristwatch and began to descend Gendo's stair case.
" Fuyutsuki, explain to me how you did that," commanded the Commander.
" I merely entered my program's execution code, turning on the power," he said simply. He didn't even slow down.
" You mean, you were the one who turned off the power?"
" Yes," he said, now walking to the MAGI main terminal.
" But why?"
Fuyutsuki turned and looked at the younger man with a hateful look in his eyes.. " I have my reasons, you whimpering fool." If anybody had ever seen an actual genuine look of hurt on Commander Ikari's face, it was everyone looking at him now.
" What....what do you mean?"
" I mean that I have my reasons, and nobody is going to interfere." He produced a small handgun from his pocket and held it at hip level, aiming at the Commander, who looked relieved.
" That's not a threat, Fuyutsuki. You can't possibly expect to get past all the people in this room after shooting me, do you?" Fuyutsuki smiled a cruel smile.
" I don't have to." Gendo's look of relief fell.
" What do you mean?"
" Somewhere inside NERV, several N-2 mines are wired to explode in...five minutes," he said, consulting his watch. " I'm the only one that knows the deactivation codes."
Maya Ibuki stood up. " Why are you doing this?" she said, her eyes filled with tears.
" Because, you worthless bitch, I have something that needs accomplishing, and although I set the timer, time is not on my side."
" So to accomplish your mission, your going to kill us all?" asked Shinji, indignancy and confusion in his eyes from Kozo Fuyutsuki's last statement.
" Think of it as a progressed end," he said, smiling the same cruel smile. He turned around and began to type at the MAGI console.
" But wait! That's not fair!" shouted Shinji. Fuyutsuki whirled around, aiming the gun at the third child and delivering a look of pure hatred and anger.
" Fair?! Fair? I'll tell you what's not fair! Spending years of your life in the shadow of a man you taught," he shouted, pointing at Gendo, " And knowing that what you taught him will someday end humanity! Knowing that after living a unsatisfying and depressing life as I have has made it not fair! Watching from the outside in as everybody complains about their problems while you could top them all, but not saying anything because it doesn't matter in the end! That's what's not fucking fair!!!!" he screamed. Everyone in the room was silent.
" But now it's my turn, and I'm going to get the happy life I've always dreamed of..." he said, turning back to the MAGI and typing more commands. " You see, I've used the N-2 mines, the information of the Dead Sea Scrolls and the MAGI to compose my ideal alternate reality, which will freeze time on the perfect instant of life allowing me to experience eternal bliss!" He laughed evilly.
"And when that bomb goes off in...two minutes," he said, consulting his watch again, " My universe will form and I will enter, while every event and time period from your current universe will jumble together, creating one hell of a mass chaos here. It would be fun to watch, but I'm afraid I've got a universe to catch," he said, composing himself.
Suddenly, the elevator doors to Fuyutsuki's right opened, and Kaji came bolting out and tackled Fuyutsuki in his underwear. Gendo hurried over.
" How did you know what was going on?" asked the Commander.
" He left the loudspeaker on," said Kaji, nonchalantly. The lifted Fuyutsuki and slammed him on a computer console.
" Tell us the codes, Kozo!" yelled Gendo. Fuyutsuki snarled.
" Fools! Idiots! Time destroys humans! You'll all rot and decompose! You'll all be nothing!!" he shouted. Kaji grabbed him by the shirt.
" Time for you to understand the real meaning of 'have a nice day'."
Wham! Kaji slammed his fist into Fuyutsuki's face. Suddenly, Fuyutsuki's watch began to beep.
" Uh oh..." whispered Shinji. The lights in the Command Center began to flicker, then died once more. Suddenly, they started back up. Everything seemed to be the same, except that Fuyutsuki had disappeared.
" Wha....what happened?" asked Asuka to no one in particular. Suddenly, the footsteps of several people were heard running towards one of the closed Command Center doors. They stopped, then suddenly the door blew off it's hinges. It slammed into the wall across the room, and filled the hallway with smoke.
Suddenly, fifteen or so men dressed in old American army clothes entered the room. They pointed their guns at the rooms occupants and sneered.
" Freeze, or we'll nuke you after we nuke Nagasaki!" said the one in command, a tag brandishing the name of Douglas McArthur.
" Oh no..." whispered Gendo. " He succeeded."
To be continued...
***
OK, OK, so I guess this began as a parody/humor fic, then became kinda serious. What can you do? The next chapter should be funny again. At least, I hope it's funny again. It may start out funny and get serious again, but who knows? Not me....yet...