Beauty and the Beast
Have you ever noticed every fairytale starts the same? All that "once upon a time" crap and "they lived happily ever after." If you're looking for a good ol' feel good fairy tale, you've come to the wrong place. This is a reality check from yours truly. This is the story of how I met my husband.
So, first things first, you already know this ain't a gooey tale, so you should know that we, my family, ain't rich either. In fact, we live on the ghetto side of Far Far Away. Not too pretty over here. Anyways, back to the story. Pop was setting out on a trip and he asked my two sisters and I if we wanted anything. It was a rhetorical question, but my sisters didn't catch that part. Cindy, the oldest said, "I want a brocade dress, pop." Lucy didn't skip a beat, "And I want the prettiest pearl necklace you can find!" Pop gave the biggest fake smile you've ever seen, and then with a voice drenched in sarcasm, "Oh of course girls! Nothing but the best for you." He turned to me, "And what would you like, Beauty?" he questioned. Now, a little about me, I learned real early in life that beggars can't be choosers, and I for one actually wanted to be given a souvenir. So I asked for the cheapest thing he couldn't say no to, "How 'bout a rose you picked specially for me?" I could practically see the relief wash over his face. I know I was thinking exactly what he was: finally, something affordable.
Later that day, pop set off into the rich side of town to run his errands. After a few hours he was just heading home when a sudden storm blew up. Pop glared at the sky in alarm at first then the glower slowly turned into resentment, "what in the hell! What did I ever do to you?" he accused the stormy sky. There's not even an inn in sight, pop thought as he plowed ahead on his donkey. The two continued to trudge through the storm without making any headway. Pop was just about to lose hope when he spotted a light in the distance. Following it to its end, the merchant was lead to a castle that tripled the size of his little home. Grumpy and tired, pop left the ass outside and trudged up the stone steps.
As pop arrived on the porch, he went to knock but the door slid open on its own. He could feel the heat from inside, coaxing him in. He stepped through the doorway and called out, "Hello?! Is anybody in here?" he paused for an answer, but when he got none he thought nothing of it. Pop went straight for the kitchen. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" he glanced at the jackass staring lazily out into the storm, paused, then shook his head and went to look for food. Surprisingly enough, there was a full on three course meal sitting there on the dining table, beckoning to him. He sat down and scarfed the entire meal in a matter of minutes without thinking twice about it.
After the meal, drowsiness began to overtake the merchant, and he searched for a place to sleep. He went into the first room he saw and lay down on the bed. Pop lied there, pondering his decision to come to this place. An obviously not deserted castle with an unlocked door, food waiting for him, and a bed to sleep in. The man who lives here could have poisoned his food, and be waiting for him to fall asleep to do god knows
what. Worst of all, the man might steal his donkey! Though these were all very real threats, the merchant just couldn't find it in him to give a crap. Instead he lolled off into a blissful sleep mumbling the one word that saves him from all his problems: yolo.
The next morning pop awoke to find a breakfast in bed waiting for him. "Oh yes, this is what I'm talking about!" pop hooted, already plowing into the breakfast made for him. Pop dressed and gathered his things, prepared to make the rest of his trip home. He was just walking out the front yard when he spotted a rose bush. Beauty wanted a rose! He remembered. Pop bent to pluck a rose from the bush when all of a sudden a huge roar came from inside the bush. Pop was given such a fright he almost shat himself!
The monster burst from the bush and hollered angrily, "Ungrateful swine! I gave you shelter, you ate at my table and slept in my own bed, but now all the thanks I get is the theft of my favorite flower! I swear to god I am going to kill you." The merchants lip quivered as he begged, "Forgive me! Don't kill me! I'll do anything you want! That rose wasn't even for me, it was for my freaking kid, she wanted it as a gift from my trip!"
The beast pondered this and then said, "We will make a deal, I'll spare your life if you bring me your daughter." Pop's face drained white as he tried to think a way out of this. Finding no other way, he sighed, defeated he went home to find a warm greeting from me and my sisters.
Seeing that my father didn't have the gifts they asked for, my sisters huffed off dramatically without even a hello for their flesh and blood. I, however, stayed and greeted him and was given the terrible news about the beast wanting me as some sort of
prize. Jesus! The one thing I ask for gets me into this much trouble?! Like come on life, you suck as it is, must you make it worse for me?
Of course I didn't say any of this; instead I said in my sweetest voice, "Dear father, I'd do anything for you! I'll stay there in your place." My father nodded, as if he expected nothing less from me. Umm what! I thought he was going to say "oh no of course not my beautiful daughter I would never make you stay with a monster the rest of your life" but no, Beauty always has to be the martyr don't I.
So that's how it went, I went to live with the beast. It was scary at first, he would always just be around me, creeping while I did my own thing. But he gradually started talking with me and I found myself enjoying the conversation. It went on like this for years a relationship building, when one day he asked to marry me. I was horrified at the thought of being his wife. Ew, I mean he's a beast for god's sake! That's disgusting! But of course I bit my tongue and instead said, "I really can't say yes. I'd like to…" But thank god the beast interrupted me, "Oh I understand! It's quite alright, I'm not offended at all!" And that was that, things went back to the usual and everything was quiet for a while. I was living a comfy lifestyle I have never known, and to top it, The Beast had even given me a mirror I could watch my family out of!
I spent days on end watching my family from a far when one day I saw that my pop was getting sick. I watched as it progressed and then finally I couldn't stand it anymore. I went to The Beast and pleaded, "My father is gonna die! He's on his deathbed, please let me see him!" The Beast musta seen red or something because he
screamed in my face, "NO! You will never leave my castle!" And with that he left the room raging.
He came back a while later apologizing. He gave me a week to see my pop then return. I set out that day and told my pop all about the castle and how kind The Beast actually was. The week flew by before I knew it and I realized the week was up! I dreamt of the Beast begging for me to come back, "Baby, come back!" I woke from the terrible nightmare and rushed back to the castle on the back of my pop's trusty ass. I arrived to see the Beast on the floor, eyes shut. He looked pretty dead. In a panic I kicked him with the toe of my shoe and hysterically moaned, "Don't die! Don't die! I'll marry you…" I have no idea why I said that, oh god I really hope he is dead so I won't have to actually marry him, I think my hysteria rising again.
Instead of staying dead, something insane happened. The Beast turned into a stud. Like a hardcore hottie! I almost dropped dead myself! I didn't even have time to recover before the newly transformed beast grasped my hands and said, "Finally! I couldn't say anything before, but an evil witch cursed me and turned me into a monster and only the love of a maiden willing to accept me as I was, could transform me back into myself." Wow… I was in such shock that all I could do was nod and nod and nod.
So long story short, we ended up getting married, pops got better and we lived as any married couple does. We continue to this day to argue almost every week, but hey to me, this is better than any happily ever after…