"You really didn't deserve her, Tony." He heard Killian's words. They boomed in his head, over and over and over, and then he saw Pepper. He saw her orange hair glow in the sunlight—but he soon learned it wasn't the sun. It was fire. There was fire everywhere; he looked down at his feet and panicked when he saw the flames crawl towards him. Their bright red hands clawed at him, screaming at him for killing 'the one thing he can't live without'.
"No…" Tony mumbled in horror as the flames crawled closer to him. "No!" He shouted, backing away. He gasped when he felt the flames behind him grab onto his ankles, pulling him back by force. He kicked up his feet in attempts to try and get away, but they were too powerful, and then he felt his feet sink into the floor beneath him.
"Tony…" He heard her plead.
His eyes shot up and he saw her—he saw Pepper. Her bangs were damp against her face, and her skin was scarred with bright red streaks. He could see the dirt and grime splotched on her skin, probably from all the crap she's been through because of him.
Pillars of flames began to surround her, and he panicked. He couldn't lose her.
"Pepper!" He shouted, reaching out towards her and stretching as far as he could. Their gazes locked, and he could see the pleading in her eyes, the worry, fear, and sorrow. Without warning, the flames swallowed her, and ringing in his ears was her bloodcurdling screams of pain and anguish. It shook him to the core and shattered his heart into millions and millions of pieces. He never wanted to hear that sound; he never wanted to hear her in pain.
It was all his fault—he blamed himself. He gasped and choked back sobs as he came to the realization that he killed her. He looked down at his hands, forgetting about the flames that inched towards him, and saw her blood. It dripped off his hands and onto the flames beneath him, and he screamed. He screamed as tears ran down his cheeks. He killed her. He… killed her.
"NOOOOO!" Tony shouted, prying himself out of the dream and jolting up in a cold sweat. He looked around the room sporadically, searching for her, but never seeing her. He was panting at an increased pace, and then it felt like he couldn't breathe. He tried his best to catch his breath, but he couldn't. He clawed at the sheets at his sides, taking the fabric in his hands and twisting it.
The images of Pepper falling into the pit of fire flashed through his mind. He could feel his heart pound rapidly in his ribcage and his chest throb uncontrollably. He grabbed at the spot above his heart and clenched the fabric of his t-shirt.
The Arc Reactor was not present. Surgery, he remembered. His mind raced, trying to search for a solution—trying to calm himself down, but all he could think about was Pepper.
It all flashed through his eyes. Her face. Her beautiful blue eyes. Her soft creamy hands. And then he watched all of it be consumed by fire. He screwed his eyes shut and cursed under his breath. His hands shook as he backed himself into the headboard. He straightened his back against it and blew out a shaky breath; he tried to shake off the fear and worry that pumped through him, but he couldn't. He stared up at the ceiling and continued to grasp at the sheets.
"Tinker… Mechanic…" He remembered Harley's words. He looked over at his phone on the nightstand, and thought of all the schematics he worked on hours before. He slipped his feet off the bed and sat on the edge, thinking about all of the work he had to do on his new Iron Man suit, but he still couldn't shake off the anxiety attack.
"Pepper…" He mumbled unsteadily as he gazed at his phone. His heart still pounded in his chest as he continued his search for air. He dialed her cellphone number and put the receiving end to his ear.
It rang once…
Twice…
Please…, he pleaded, closing his eyes. Please pick up, Pep.
Three times…
Four times…
Please…, he pleaded again.
"Hello?" He heard a sleepy voice.
His eyes shot open as her sweet, calming voice resonated through his body. He didn't realize his lips curved into a smile until seconds later when he turned it into a small frown.
Pepper left for a business trip a few days ago, leaving him to tinker and work in the Research and Development levels with Bruce. He didn't mind. There was a lot he had to do anyways, but he found himself longing for her… missing her. He'd sleep on her side of the bed sometimes and drown himself in her scent.
"Hi," he greeted softly. Silence surrounded him, and he was alone in their bedroom.
"Tony?" She murmured. Seconds passed. "Are you okay?" She could tell something was wrong; his voice sounded uneven and shaky. She could tell he was searching for comfort.
"Yeah," his voice squeaked as he lied, almost as if he was trying to sound normal so it would seem like he was okay. "I'm…" He stopped. He covered his mouth as he struggled to continue.
"…Tony…" She sighed; she felt bad she wasn't there to comfort him. "…I'm right here. It's okay. You can talk to me if you want to." She waited a few seconds. "I doesn't have to be right now."
His hand slipped away from his mouth and he took a deep breath. "Usually…" He started. "…Usually tinkering helps. Working on the suit helps, but…" His bottom lip began to quiver. "…I don't know if it can this time."
"Do you want me to do anything?"
"Stay." He sighed. "Please… Just… Just stay with me."
She didn't know of the extent of his wish, but she stayed on the line with him anyways. "I will, Tony. I will."
Tony took a look at the clock and noticed it was almost 2 AM. Pepper was in Seattle, Washington. The time difference was only three hours, but he was aware that he probably woke her up. He wanted to make sure she was alive and well, because the nightmares made him believe otherwise. He didn't want to talk about his anxiety or how he was feeling. If anything, he wanted to stay away from it.
"How are you?" He asked.
Pepper expected a different question. "I'm okay. How are things with the lab and Bruce?"
His heart slowly stopped pounding, and he could feel his chest relax. He smiled and let out a small laugh, "You should've seen it. Yesterday, Bruce was doing some tests on one of the computers, but the results were talking too long, so I figured we could do some on-the-spot tests—" Pepper was glad he was talking to her with such ease… until she heard the last bit.
"—Tony." She warned him.
"Don't worry. There were only one or two mishaps, but everything is fine." He smiled warmly. "Except for the other half of the lab. We're going to need to replace that."
Pepper shook her head. "You're incorrigible."
He let out a small laugh and felt his heart swell. He loved talking to her, even if it was about something she had no idea about, because she would let him talk and talk, and she would listen. She'd listen to him talk about the weirdest things, and one day, he asked her why. And her response was simply because she wanted him to talk to her about all his ideas and proposals; she wanted to be there for him. Although she sometimes seemed impatient whenever he talked, she didn't want to make it look like she didn't care about him, because she did. She always worried about him and his wellbeing.
Tony's small smile slowly turned into a frown. He could feel his anxiety attack slip from his body, which put him at ease, but he still didn't want Pepper to leave. He ran his hands along his thighs and looked behind him. He saw the empty bed, and then the bare pillow and untouched sheets where Pepper would lay.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" Tony asked.
"Meetings." She replied.
"Sounds like fun."
She grinned. "Oh yeah. Loads of fun. They come with the green initiative plan, and unfortunately, they think one meeting isn't enough. And don't get me started on the investors."
He smiled, but the smile didn't last for long. He knew, eventually, he would have to hang up and let her sleep, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't want to let her go; he didn't want to stop hearing her voice. He was afraid, if he fell back asleep, he would have the same nightmare. The sheer remembrance of the nightmare made his heart start to pound in his chest.
He could feel himself slip back into a panicked state, and he struggled to pull himself out of it again. His breathing was erratic—until he heard Pepper's voice.
She could hear the faint sound of him gasping for air. "Tony?" She asked worriedly.
He closed his eyes and held his breath. His hand squeezed his phone, and his other hand grabbed a fist full of sheets. All at once, his body relaxed. "Pepper… can… can I come see you?" It almost sounded like he was pleading. She could hear the fear and hurt in his voice, and it broke her heart.
He's asked the same question before. While she was away on a business trip, she'd get the occasional, 'I miss sleeping with you. How come you always go to these things without me?'. One, she knew how bored Tony would be if he came along with her, and two, she didn't want a business trip to be treated as a vacation, which is what Tony would do. He'd somehow convince her to cancel the meeting and spend the entire morning with him in bed… it's happened more than once before.
This time, however, he needed comfort and reassurance. He didn't want to see her—he needed to see her. This time was an exception.
"Yeah." She replied softly, smiling warmly into the phone. His body relaxed almost instantly; he was looking forward to seeing her. He always looked forward to see her.
He flew his Iron Man suit to Seattle and JARVIS guided him to her suite. Pepper stayed in the same hotel where the meetings were being held. It took less than ten minutes for him fly there from New York. He flew through the buildings and all the lights, and saw the hotel highlight on his HUD. He smiled warmly and flew up the building, passing all of the curtain covered rooms before finally stopping to hover in place at his destination.
The curtains were split apart, but only by a sliver. The lights were turned on and balcony door was open. He held his breath and hovered towards the balcony, and slowly eased himself onto it. The last thing he wanted to do was land carelessly and break the entire thing. He didn't want to give Pepper a reason to be mad at him.
He landed with a clang and eased himself out of the suit. He turned around to face the suit, snapped his fingers in front of the helmet and watched it power down.
"Hey." He heard the soft familiar voice behind him. He turned around and saw Pepper standing there in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He recognized the t-shirt as the one he got her a few weeks ago. It said 'I'd be unstoppable, if not for physics'. He always loved it when she wore the t-shirts he got her; he needed to give her something else to wear besides his t-shirts. He couldn't count the number of times when he found himself out of sleepwear because of her.
He smiled lovingly and warmly. "Hi." He kissed her softly, wrapped his arms around her and held on. The warmth of her body seeped into him, and it was the best feeling in the world. He found comfort in her, even if she didn't say anything yet; her presence alone calmed him down, and he found it hard to let her go.
Killian was right. He didn't deserve her; he never thought he was worthy enough for her. She did so much for him and yet…
"Tony!" He heard her scream as she fell; their fingers were centimeters apart, but it wasn't enough. It was never enough. He was always too late.
Pepper felt his hands suddenly tighten their hold on her, and then she heard his breath hitch. She could feel his body start shake, and all at once, she could tell something was wrong. "Tony?" She murmured softly and worriedly.
She pulled herself out of his grasp. "I'm… I…" Tony could feel himself struggle to breathe.
She brought her hands up to cup his cheeks, and saw him slowly gaze at her. Her thumbs stroked the spots beneath his eye, and she gazed up at him, then his lips, and then back up at him. "You're okay." She tried to reassure him.
He nodded and covered her hands with his. "Sorry…"
"Don't be."
"I know you hate it when I ask to see you while you're on a business trip." He mumbled quietly. His soft tone nearly broke her heart.
Her lips broke into a small smile. "It's okay. I'll allow it, but only this time." She teased, pulling him closer to her. She leaned in and pressed her lips to his, kissing him softly, lovingly, and with reassurance. He returned a smile and leaned into her arms, allowing her to wrap her arms around him and hold him.
"You look exhausted." She unraveled her arms and surveyed his attire. He didn't change out of his t-shirt and sweats, but he did put on a pair of sneakers. She grabbed his hand and gently tugged him towards the bed. He followed willingly and sleepily; the only thing he wanted to do was sleep, but he was afraid the nightmares would come back. He didn't want to relive what happened a couple months ago. He didn't want to jolt awake to find his suit towering over her with the intentions of harming her. He fixed that already, but he didn't want to risk the chance.
He kicked his shoes off somewhere along the way, and she pulled him onto the bed. He crawled up to the spot next to her and sleepily pulled the sheets out from underneath his legs to drape over his lap. He laid down and instantly felt her hands in his hair.
He sighed in content, relaxed against her, and felt his head rest against the side of her stomach. She smiled warmly as he wrapped his arms around her hips and hugged her. She could feel his cold toes graze against hers as he tangled their legs together. He rubbed his nose against her side and then rubbed his cheek into her stomach.
He squeezed her tighter. "Thanks…" He mumbled.
She smiled and continued to run her fingers through his hair. "For what?"
"For being here for me." He pressed a small kiss to her stomach. "What time is your meeting tomorrow?"
Pepper glanced at the clock. "I should get up in six hours." He felt like he was causing her so much trouble. "I'll be fine. Just try to get some rest."
He sighed and rubbed his cheek against her one more time before settling down and relaxing comfortably beside her. He concentrated on her heartbeat and her breathing patterns, and he almost broke out into a smile.
For the past few days, he's slept alone, and at first, he wasn't bothered by it, but as time went on, he found it difficult to fall asleep. Maybe he was too used to sleeping next to her, or maybe he missed the nights when he woke up to find himself curled against her, or her curled against him. He missed her warmth, her presence, and her lips that greeted him first thing in the morning. He missed her.
He thought he'd have trouble sleeping, even with her beside him, but he found it difficult to stay awake, and soon, he fell asleep.
A few minutes passed and Pepper noticed his breathing patterns evened out, and then she heard him start to snore softly. There were a few times when he readjusted himself in his sleep, snuggling further into her side and humming lowly. They both slept comfortably for the rest of the night, and even though Pepper had to get up early to get ready for a meeting, she stayed in bed fifteen minutes past her alarm. When she saw Tony's innocent and sleepy face pressed against her shoulder, she couldn't bring herself to get up and disturb such a rare sight. When she did eventually pry herself away from him, he woke up alongside her.
She asked if he wanted to stay the last couple nights, but he declined and said he should get back to New York to help finish the experiments Bruce had lined up for them. He wanted to stay, but he knew she had other pressing matters to attend to.
Before she had to get ready, and before he left, they kissed for a few seconds, and hugged each other. She told him to call her if it happens again, and he nodded.
She would always be the first person he'd call.