©2002 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!
WAR-NING! Some silly shounen-ai, cursing, some . . . interesting couples (very out-of-the-ordinary O.o), people who are extremely out-of-character, lemon-lime-flavoured humour, and much more naughty fun :D you have been warned! Also note that I really hate Ness, so he will be harmed periodically throughout. Enjoy!
[A/N: I mean nothing against gay people in this fic! If someone calls a homosexual character "queer", it's probably because they're pissed off. I mean not to offend, and if I do, I'm VERY sorry!]
LEGAL SSBM DISCLAIMER: © 2001 Nintendo and HAL Laboratories. I don't own any rights for the game.
Super Smash Bros. Melee: EXPOSED (Part 1)
It was another boring Sunday at HAL Laboratories for all the characters of Super Smash Bros. Melee. They had all just been casted as characters, and were being quite bored, since Sundays were their days off when it came to big-time battling. The only arenas open were the Green Greens and the Kanto Pokémon Arena. Very boring indeed. Zelda grumbled to herself as she slumped into a cushiony red armchair. "I am so bored," she muttered. Donkey Kong laughed beside her. "You'll get used to it, love," he said in his drunken British slur, adjusting his tiny spectacles on the brim of his rather large gorilla snout and swilling around a large bottle of whisky. Most of the characters had to act when they were in game, and Donkey was one of the best examples of fine acting. "What if she doesn't want to?" came the voice of Zelda's stunt-double and close friend, Shiek. "I'm pretty bored too, you know." Donkey laughed. "What's a young man like you doing being bored? You should be battling, or having sex, whichever!" he said. Shiek sighed. "Nobody wants to battle. I challenged Pikachu, but he was going to give Jigglypuff a massage. I wouldn't dare challenge a girl," he added. Zelda snorted. "Well, then let a girl challenge you!" she exclaimed. With that, she stood abruptly, grabbed Shiek by the arm, and pulled him toward the hallway that led to the Green Greens. Donkey Kong chortled to himself, then knocked back the bottle of whisky to take a nice gulp.
Much later, everyone was sitting in the common room, being very bored once again. Donkey had had so much to drink that he was lying on the floor, flailing his legs about and singing showtunes, hiccuping every so often in between. Peach sat on the sofa, looking rather uncomfortable as Mario had his arm around her and was trying to persuade her to give him a kiss. Ness, Nana and Popo were throwing little rocks at Pikachu, Pichu, Jigglypuff and Mewtwo to annoy them (it worked on Mewtwo; he once even picked up Mr. Saturn with his mind and repeatedly bashed him against Ness's nose, giving the game creators the idea to make Saturns part of the weapon system). Link, Marth and Roy were hitting on Samus to no success, and Link's little brother, Y'Link, was using his boomerang to bounce off Samus's armor. Captain Falcon sat in a corner, glancing nervously around the room, but darting his gaze to Princess Peach every so often. Bowser was flirting with Zelda, who was, surprisingly enough, flirting right back, making Shiek very angry and jealous. He was sitting on a stool by a large shelf of books, pretending to read a magazine, but leering at Bowser over the pages. Everyone else was playing chess or reading books. "You know, Samus, my sword is far bigger than Marth's, if you get what I'm saying," said Link with an adorable wink and the flipping back of his shiny blond hair. Marth rolled his eyes. "Why don't you prove it, then?" he muttered in a rather sarcastic tone. Link smirked. "Okay then, I will!" he said, undoing the belt around his waist, removing it, and starting to pull off his hose. Samus stared intently, with her helmetted head rested in her hand in a very amused fashion. Marth's face went bright red, and Roy shielded his eyes. "DUUUUDE!" Roy shouted in disgust. "He wasn't being serious!" Link raised an eyebrow. His hose weren't all the way off, and his . . . "Deku stick" wasn't visable yet. He quickly yanked the hose back up, and redid the belt. "If you were just kidding, why didn't you say so!? Geez! I don't show that to just anyone, you know, you were in for a real treat! But oh well," he said with a shrug as he sat back down. Samus snapped her metal-gloved fingers in disappointment. "Marth, is something wrong?" Link asked, as Marth grabbed his nose in what was unmistakably a nosebleed. "Nothing!" Marth replied frantically. "I, er, have to go!" Then, he got up and ran to the nearest washroom. Link shrugged, and he and Roy continued hitting on Samus. "So, what is it you do?" Zelda said to Bowser, grinning slightly at him. Bowser grinned a positively hideous grin in return. "See that fat plumber over there? Mario?" he asked, pointing one of his sharp claws at the stout Mario, still trying to persuade Peach to give him a kiss, only more desperately this time. Zelda nodded. "I see him," she said quickly, watching Peach wriggle away from the red-suited man. Bowser chuckled. "Well, I kidnap that girlfriend of his periodically, then . . . I kick his ass!" Bowser pounded the coffee table before him rather hard with his fist, then grinned maliciously. Zelda raised her eyebrows, then clapped politely, yet Shiek snorted loudly from the other end of the room, and shook his head. "Something wrong, Shiek?" Zelda asked slowly and skeptically. Shiek raised his eyebrows, then looked up from the magazine. "Hmm? Why on earth would you think that?" he asked rather passively, blinking quickly while speaking. Zelda looked confused. "Hmm? Oh, that! There was something really funny in this magazine. In fact, the whole magazine is funny, so don't be surprised if I laugh a few more times!" he finished rather cornily, adding lots of sarcasm and loads of false enthusiasm. Zelda then noticed that the name of the magazine was "Deaths and Abortions Weekly: A Tear Jerker for even the Strongest Heart". Zelda sighed and shook her head, then turned back to Bowser, laying one dainty hand on one of the massive turtle's clawed hands. "What were you saying?" she cooed, stroking the large hand slightly, and watching out the corner of her eye as Shiek silently fumed with rage. Indeed, it was a somewhat-eventful night for everyone at HAL Laboratories. They could hardly wait until Monday, when their real jobs kicked in. "Checkmate," said Yoshi with a sly grin, adjusting his lime-green poker visor. Ganondorf smashed his fist down upon the table, sending many chess pieces flying across the room (several hit Ness in the head). "You little son of a bitch!" Ganondorf wailed, tears welling up at the corner of his eyes. "I can't believe I was beaten by a little egg fucker! I . . . I . . . just. . . !" With that, Ganondorf burst into tears, then ran toward the washroom. Moments later, Ganondorf screamed loudly, and everyone could hear his yelling "MARTH, THAT IS DISGUSTING! DO THAT ON YOUR OWN SPARE TIME, OR GET A GIRLFRIEND, OR AT LEAST GO SIT IN A BATHROOM STALL AND DO THAT, BUT NOT OUT IN THE OPEN! THAT IS JUST GROSS!"
Link gazed at Marth from across the empty room, and their eyes met. Marth pulled back reluctantly and blushed slightly, shifting his gaze onto the ceiling. Link wasn't buying it, though. He grinned and stood, then crossed the room very slowly. Marth almost couldn't believe what was happening! Finally, Link stopped in front of him, grinned seductively, and sat down on his lap. He wrapped his arms around his neck, and immediately the two were entangled in a passionate kiss. Slowly, Link moved his hands lower, and was about to undo Marth's belt buckle, when - FWAP! Marth awoke abruptly to the feeling of a rather heavy pillow hitting him in the back of the head. He looked around frantically, sweating profusely, only to find Link standing there, holding a pillow over his head. "Man, you are one lazy ass, you know that?" he said with a laugh. "Everyone else is already awake. It's Monday, man! Time to eat your Corn Flakes with special Harry Potter-shaped marshmallows and kick someone's ass!" Then, Link's eyes wandered downwards onto Marth's bedsheets. He noticed something rather, erm, interesting. "Dude! You were having Samus-dreams, weren't you?" he said with a sly laugh. "I thought you seemed to be getting into your dream an awful lot, and this proves why! You horndog, you!" Marth's face grew rather red. "Erm, yeah! Samus! That's right. Hey, er, why don't you go on without me, and I'll just, eh, get ready here?" he asked rather quickly. Link shrugged and left. Marth sighed. This has to stop! I am a hetero . . . I am a hetero . . . I can't even think it properly! I AM A HETEROSEXUAL MALE! I like WOMEN! I like SAMUS! I like Peach and Zelda and Jigglypuff and Nana! Marth paused for a moment on that thought. Er, no, not Jigglypuff and Nana, no.
Marth arrived at the breakfast table a half-hour later, and he noticed Samus's head faced in his general direction. What he couldn't see was her sly smile behind her helmet. "Soooo," she began as Marth sat down with his box of Corn Flakes with special Harry Potter lightning-bolt and broomstick-shaped marshmallows. "I hear you had a dream about me last night." Marth banged his elbow on the table in surprise, making his bowl spin before dropping off the table and shattering into many pieces. "I'll take that as a yes," Samus continued. "Well, that's interesting. We only just met yesterday, and already you have a crush on me! It's kind of cute, really." Link realized this as his oppurtunity to break the two up and flirt with Samus some more. He leaned on the table and looked down at Samus, looking very cute, yet somewhat bored at the same time. He looked up at the ceiling. "Samus, babe, tell me something; how do you eat if you never take your helmet off?" He looked down at her. Samus laughed. "I do, Link. You see, I only take off my helmet for certain things, if you know what I mean," she replied. Link grinned very gorgeously, making Marth melt (when he realized this, he mentally cursed himself over and over). "Would you take off your helmet for me?" Link asked with a wink. Samus giggled. "I don't know, maybe later!" she said, grabbing her cereal bowl and walking out of the room. Link raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "Really!? Asskicking!" he exclaimed happily. Samus stifled her laughter as she left the room. Zelda and Bowser were sitting together once again, flirting again, too. Shiek was sitting across from them, stabbing his eggs repeatedly with a fork and pretending they were Bowser. He grinned insanely as he watched yolk leak from the eggs. "Yoshi, I can't believe you stole my favourite cereal!" Ganondorf said to Yoshi, searching the cupboards of the kitchen. Yoshi looked up from his breakfast. "But, Ganondorf, I didn't!" he protested. And he really didn't, but he figured that Ganondorf thought Yoshi absolutely hated him, so it was no surprise why he thought Yoshi might be the prime suspect. Ganondorf turned around and sighed angrily. "Yoshi!! I told you yesterday while we were playing chess that if I didn't have my Cookie Crisp for breakfast, I would be really sad all day long!" he whined. Yoshi sighed. He was starting to get frustrated. "Ganondorf, I did not steal your cereal. I wasn't even paying attention when you told me you needed your Cookie Crisp to start your day," he said innocently. Well, that was the icing on the cake. Ganondorf's face turned bright red - almost purple - with fury, and he burst into tears. "So you didn't even care to hear what I had to say! Yoshi, you're just a big . . . a big bully!" he finished, running out of the room in tears. Everyone was staring at Yoshi. "Hey, I told you! I didn't take them! I was being honest!" Yoshi cried. Y'Link laughed. "I believe you, Yoshi," he said, grabbing a box of Cookie Crisp from under the table. "Because I took 'em!" Link looked disbelievingly at his little brother. "Y'Link, that has to be one of the coolest fuckin' things you have ever done. Give me a high five, little bro!" he said proudly, holding out his hand for his little brother to give him a high five, which he did. "Peachie, please, just one kiss is all I'm asking for!" Mario cried, getting close to tears. "Mario, we're at the breakfast table," Peach protested, not even looking at Mario, who glanced into Peach's empty cereal bowl. "But, Peachie! You're finished your breakfast!" Mario insisted. Peach coughed, and stood. "I have to go powder my nose," she lied, walking out of the room. Mario leapt out of his seat. "But it's-a me, Mario!" he wailed. When Peach didn't turn back around, he gave up and slumped back into his seat. "Girl problems?" asked his brother, Luigi, with a hint of satisfaction in his voice. Luigi had walked in the shadow of his brother for years, and only recently found a girlfriend of his own. Mario sighed. "I don't know what's happened! Day before yesterday, she was telling me she loved me, and was showering me with kisses and baked goods, but since yesterday she'll barely look at me!" he said, stifling a sniffle. Luigi smirked a bit, and put his arm around his girlfriend Daisy, who had her hair made up to look like Peach's, only Daisy had brown hair. "Yes, well, that's too bad, bro," Luigi said with indulgence. "I wish I could help you, but I'm a bit busy with my own girlfriend." Daisy giggled. "Daisy, why are you dressed like Peach?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow. Daisy rolled her eyes and huffed angrily. "The stupid pricks at HAL said I couldn't be a secret character because I resembled Peach too much, so they made it look like she just changes her outfit. I even have to spin around and do the whole ditzy 'suhh-WEET!' thing, and copy all of her attacks, and that INCLUDES plucking that stupid turnip - that doesn't even HURT people - from the ground. I hate it! But the pay isn't bad." she finished with a shrug. She suddenly felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to see . . . Peach. "So that's what you think of me, you stuck-up bitch?" Peach snapped. Daisy gulped. "Well, Daisy - if that IS your real name - I challenge you to a battle right now, then we'll see who the better woman is." Daisy stood and flipped back her hair. "Fine then, let's go to it. Luigi, wish me luck," she said. Luigi grinned at her. "Good luck," he said. Mario saw this as his oppurtunity. "Good luck, Peachie, hope you win!" he said enthusiastically. Peach simply shrugged and walked away, with Daisy following not far behind. Mario broke down and started to cry. He couldn't take it anymore. At the other end of the table, Bowser and Zelda were having a very interesting conversation. " . . . and that's how I won the Bowling for Goombas tourny," Bowser finished triumphantly, flexing a rather large bicep. Zelda raised her eyebrows with interest, but Shiek snorted into his cereal bowl. Zelda glanced at Shiek. "Is something wrong, Shiek?" she snapped angrily. Shiek looked up. "Nothing at all. It's just that I was surprised because I remembered . . . uh . . . something I forgot to do," he said, standing abruptly. "See you on the playing field!" He walked off. Zelda huffed. "Bowser, I'll be right back," she muttered. "I have to go talk to Shiek." She stood and exited the room.
Shiek sat on his bed in the male dormitory, thinking to himself. A big, ugly, stupid turtle with spikes is better to her than one of her best friends? He sighed sadly. He heard a knock on the door, and Zelda walked in. "Shiek," she said angrily, standing in front of him with her hands on her hips. "What the fuck is your problem!?" Shiek turned away. "I don't have a problem, Zelda," he snapped. Zelda laughed. "That's why you were acting like a complete jerk out there, and yesterday too. Don't try to hide it, Shiek, I know you were laughing at Bowser!" she shouted. Shiek snorted. "And why shouldn't I!?" he retorted. "He's a big, scaly, smelly spiked turtle, and you're in love with him! I find that rather funny." Zelda rolled her eyes. "Grow up, Shiek! I am not in love with Bowser. He's a friend," she hissed. Shiek laughed again. "If he's such a good 'friend', then why do you flirt with him all the time?" he said pointedly. Zelda frowned. "For fuck's sakes, Shiek, look at the poor guy! Do you think he's ever going to get a girlfriend!? He's a spiky turtle! How many female spiky turtles do you know!? Anyway, my guess is that you're jealous. I thought you knew me better than that, Shiek." She flipped her hair back angrily. "Jealous!? Me!! Jealous of a turtle! What would make you think that!?" Shiek snapped. Zelda laughed. "Gee, I don't know, Shiek. Maybe because I'm spending more time with him!?" she replied quickly. "Why the fuck would I care about that!?" "Maybe because you like me?" "I do NOT like you! And even if I did - not saying I do - why would you care!?" "Maybe because I love you, Shiek," Zelda finished, her voice breaking up into what unmistakably sounded like she was going to cry. "And I'm just giving Bowser a break. He's a fucking bad guy, and he's a turtle. Face it, he tries to steal princesses for a living so he can actually have a short-term girlfriend. His life can't be easy," she started to cry. "And you're so selfish and jealous that you have to criticize the poor guy! Shiek, I have always loved you, but right now, I hate you!" she wailed. She spun around on her heels. "Goodbye, Shiek." She sped out of the room. Shiek stood quickly. "Zelda, wait!" he shouted desperately, but she was already out of earshot. Shiek sighed. "I love you, too. . . ."
Much later, several characters were on leave, battling eachother and such, but Shiek and Zelda were still moping around sadly. Falco was kicking Fox's ass at chess, Kirby was trying some new moves out on Ness (who by then had several bruises), and Y'Link was waiting for Kirby to finish with Ness so he could have a go. Whenever Zelda and Shiek ran into eachother, they wouldn't even glance at one another, and would walk as far away from one another as quickly as possible. "Shiek, Zelda!" came the annoying voice of Master Hand. "You're, uhm, like, wanted and stuff. The people choose, uhm, Zelda to fight in Classic mode or something." Zelda glared at the Hand. "Does he have to come?" she spat, pointing at Shiek. "I think so. The people out there'll probably, like, want to turn into Shiek or something, so it'd be, like, a good idea and stuff." Shiek sighed. "I'll go if I have to," he muttered. Master Hand led the way out to the battle grounds, and Zelda and Shiek followed, shooting daggers at eachother with their glares.
Link and Marth just finished a heated battle, and of course, Link won (mostly because Marth was too scared he'd hurt Link, so he went soft on him). Link shook Marth's cut-up hand. "Good game," he said guiltily. He had beaten Marth really badly. Marth shook Link's hand in return, very happy that he at least got to hold Link's hand out of the outcome. Marth couldn't hide a grin. "Yeah, good game," he agreed. Then Link looked at the floor sheepishly. "Marth, I feel really bad about telling you this, since you obviously like Samus a lot, don't you?" he said rather quietly. "Samus? No! I like y - ER, YEAH, I REALLY LIKE SAMUS," Marth covered up quickly. Fortunately, Link didn't suspect a thing. Maybe it was the fact that Marth was a prince that made him unlikely to like Link, he didn't know, but whatever it was, Link didn't suspect Marth's crush on him. "Erm, well . . . she and I are sort of, you know, dating now. I'm really sorry, Marth," Link said quickly, noticing the look of disappointment on Marth's face. "She just, well, asked me out, and I really like her, so I said yes. I'm so sorry. Is there any way I can make it up to you?" Marth thought for a moment. Sleep with me? He thought, a slight grin on his face at the thought. Then he started to fantasize about it, and it began with that dream he had the night before. He was off in la-la land in two seconds flat. "Erm, Link to Marth, do you copy?" said Link, waving a hand in front of Marth's dazed face. Marth quickly snapped out of it. "No! No, thank you, Link, but I don't want any sexual fav - I MEAN, I don't want anything. I'm fine," he said in a stupor. Link raised an eyebrow. "Nothing at all. . . ?" he sounded rather unsure. Except for a good, quick- "No, nothing." Link still looked unsure. "You're sure?" he asked. Marth nodded. "Positive." Read my mind, for fuck's sakes, read my mind! DO ME!! DOOOO MEEEE!! Marth thought. Link shrugged. "If you're sure. I would like to do something for you. I feel I owe you now," he replied. Marth gulped. "Willyousleepwimme!?" he said really quickly. Link's eyebrows shot up. "What did you just say!?" he exclaimed. Marth's face was rather red. "*Ahem* Would you, er, get Samus to sleep with me?" he said, feeling highly embarassed and mad at himself for being so forward. Link laughed. "Well, er, I wouldn't really go to that much of an extreme, but I will do something for you." As odd as it seemed, Link was rather relieved to hear that Marth had said Samus, or was pretending he had, anyway. Link was quite the heterosexual indeed, and didn't particularly want to hear anything about any guy wanting to sleep with him. "Naw, it's okay, Link," said Marth sadly. "I'll just . . . go battle Roy now." He walked off. I didn't mean to hurt the poor guy! Link thought. I didn't think he liked her that much! What am I going to do to get him to not be mad at me?
Roy gave the baseball bat a mighty hit, and Marth went flying in a huge home-run. When Marth reappeared - feeling rather tired and exhasperated - Roy helped him down. "Marth, what's wrong? You're not yourself. Your sword skills are off. Something must be on your mind," he said, sitting down there in Hyrule Temple's nearest ledge. "You can talk to me about it. You know I'm only a problem when I'm totally burnt out on weed, and that won't be until this match is over." Marth laughed weakly. "Roy, erm, how do I say this. . . ." he started slowly. "What is it, Marth? You can tell me," said Roy. Marth coughed. "Uhhmmmggyyyaaayyy. . . ." he said, sounding very muffled. Roy raised an eyebrow, then leaned a bit closer. "Don't muffle yourself, 'cause I didn't catch a word of that. Can you repeat it?" he asked. Marth sighed. "Roy, I'm gay, alright? And I like a straight guy who has a girlfriend. Happy?" he asked. Roy raised both eyebrows. "Reeeally! Interesting. As disgusting as I find this, do me a favour and tell me who it is?" he said, sounding actually rather interested. Marth looked at the ground. "Wlllzzzzlnnk. . . ." he coughed, his voice muffled once again. Roy looked very annoyed. "For fuck's sakes, Marth! Say it so I can fucking understand you! You're keeping me from my weed!" he growled. "Now tell me who this bastard is, before I kick you in your queer nuts!" Marth sighed. "Link. I like Link . . . a lot," he said sadly. "And now he's going out with Samus, and I don't know what to do." Roy smiled a bit. "Really? That's interesting. Marth, since you're my bud, I'm going to talk to Link," he said triumphantly. A look of pure panic washed over Marth's face. "No! You can't tell a soul! I'm a prince, for fuck's sakes! Princes are not supposed to be gay! You can't tell Link!" he cried. Roy grinned. "Oh, don't worry, Marth. I won't tell Link, I'll just, give him a shove in the right direction, you know? If Link finds out, it won't be because I said anything about you, you see what I'm getting at?" he asked. Marth smiled a bit. "Well, okay. If you promise not to tell him a guy has a crush on him, then it's all right, I guess. But if you do tell him, and he does resent me from then on, I will murder you, okay?" he muttered. Roy laughed. "Okay. Now let's get the fuck outta here so I can smoke up!"
--End of part 1--
A/N: How was that? Did you like? Did you hate? Did you cry? Laugh? Have to change your pants!? Well, anyway, as you can probably see, I like Link. I like Link a lot. Just thought I'd throw that in there. Well, don't worry, those aren't the only couples you'll be seeing. Tust me, when I said bizarre, I meant bizarre. There may have been a few hints to one of them (and trust me, it's probably NOT who you think). This chapter didn't take me long to write, and hopefully the next chapter won't take long, either. This story's almost writing itself! I was going to make it just one big ol' fic, but I decided it would be too long, so I chopped it up. Anywho, please review! And maybe give me a few ideas? That would be very helpful, and I'll even thank you in the A/N at the end of the chapter :O. Finally, please note that there'll be a lot more lemon-lime flavoured goodness later on, much more silliness, and Donkey Kong will make a more drunken appearance :p. And please note that Roy will not be the only druggie! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! It'll be much better next time. Oh, and if you want an accurate translation of Marth's current feelings, download the song "Closet" by WIZO and listen very carefully. Till next chapter!