Walter White was lounging in his armchair, contemplating life. "Ever since I started making crystal meth, my life just hasn't been the same." Walter mused, with a sigh. "And Jesse. That boy's changed so much since we both got into this whole mess. I mean, after what happened to Jane . . . maybe I've been a bad influence in his life." Walter bent his head back, as if in consideration, but then closed his eyes lightly and shook his head 'no.' "What am I thinking? The two of us are making mad cash, and I'm sure soon we'll get the mad respect that comes with it!" Walter seemed almost wistful with anticipation. "So what if Jesse's been a little too affected by all this? It builds character, god damn it!" Walter nodded his head resolutely in self agreement before Skyler walked in and started nagging him, like always.
"Hello, Walt, or should I say criminal scumbag!?" Skyler's body wavered in an almost drunken stupor as she walked in. She was clothed in all black, and her face showed no emotion but raw, remorseless rage!
"Oh, Skyler my dear, I'm glad to see you! I haven't mentioned how much I love you and junior yet today!"
"Save it, scumfuck! It's already 8 AM! It's way too late for that shit!" She boomed with serpent-like venom, and the finality of a lightning strike.
"Please forgive me Skyler, but I was busy unclogging the toilet with my bare hands after you – I mean I – broke the plunger!" Walter begged, sinking quickly down to his hands and knees. Skyler was unimpressed, as she raised her chin at him in disrespect.
Glaring at Walt with naught but pitiless disgust, Skyler yelled. "Get up, you look like a fool down there! I just hope you're planning to go make more meth today, because Hank's hospital payment is past due, and so help me, if you fuck up again . . . or are you planning to slack off like always!?"
"Never, dear! I wouldn't dream of it! I can be at the lab within the hour!"
"Five minutes!"
"Four!"
Skyler shook her head and stepped forward in challenge. "Alright, Walt. If that's the way you want it." Skyler began to chuckle, her laughs quickly growing into maniacal bursts of cackling laughter that made Walter feel shaken to the core. He began to sweat as he quickly bolted from his home and sped to the super lab, thoroughly emasculated. It wasn't long before he reached the place. Three minutes, twenty nine seconds, to the dot, that's how long it had taken. Any longer and Skyler would have certainly had Walt's head for not being 'suitably early,' should she find out. Well, regardless, he had made it just in time, and could wipe torrents of sweat from his forehead in relief.
"Yo, Mr. White!" Walter heard a familiar voice from behind, and felt a friendly hand pat him on the back. Turning around, he smiled.
"Badger! It's good to see you!" Walter greeted with a handshake. "How've you been?"
"Fine." A monotone voice answered in reply. "I already dropped Jesse off. Why don't you go in too? I mean not to be a dick, but I have more important shit to do than talk to you." Badger explained, motioning to a bag of Cheetos in his car.
"Oh, of course. Sorry to bother you, Badger. It was great to see you, though!"
"Uh, sure. Likewise." Badger seemed to agree, but his eyes rolled just ever so slightly as he did. Walter didn't seem to notice as he nonchalantly walked inside the industrial laundry/meth complex with a goofy smile on his face. Once inside, though, it was strange. As he walked toward the secret door behind the washer, several of the illegal immigrant workers had stopped what they were doing and kicked Walter severely while he tried to walk. He faced a flurry of kicks, to his ass, to his heel, and the back of his legs, bringing him to near tears in his pain and humiliation.
"God, what is everyone's deal today!?" Walter impotently asked himself, as he was kicked to the ground a seventh time. "Can't a guy just walk to his office in peace?" Clearly not, as the kicking grew in severity more and more. Soon, Walter wasn't just being struck, bet held down and stomped by an ever-growing swarm of angry Mexican illegals! Walter could feel his glasses break, and his teeth being knocked loose as he started to beg and cry for mercy.
"Please, stop! El stop-o!" His cries fell on deaf ears, as Walter was picked up from the ground, and dropped again for a punt like kick. Several Mexican legs kicked in synchronized fashion, causing Walt's body to convulse in response. Still there was no mercy, as shoes collided with his form again and again.
"Why isn't anybody helping me!?" Walt pleaded. After several minutes, it became clear that the vicious assault set upon Walt would not end. He had no choice but to try and fight his way forward. Well, eventually, despite several 'impediments' along the way, Walter was able to claw his way into the meth lab. Jesse was already inside, dumping a can of methylamine into a vat. "'Sup, Jess!" Walter called, trying to sound cool.
"Yo." Jesse greeted amiably. "Rough morning?" It was clear from Walter's sweat drenched clothes, and newly bruised body what Jesse had meant. Walter just shook his head.
"You have no idea."
"Mm." Jesse nodded, as he grabbed a sack of flour to use in the meth recipe. It wasn't until Walter had come down the staircase that Jesse had noticed something. "Yo, turn around Mr. White."
Walter was confused, but did as told, as Jesse peeled something off the back of Walter's jacket. When it came off, Walter turned around again and looked. "What is that, Jesse?"
"It says 'Kick Me! Also, I'm a raging homo. Signed Walter 'Heisenberg' White.' This looks like Badger's handwriting."
Walter's eyes widened, his heart shattered, and his voice cracked. "You mean, Badger did this? B-but I trusted him!"
"'Fraid so, Mr. White. Did he maybe start a conversation with you, tap you on the back, and then blow you off and leave?" Walter's shocked face was all Jesse needed to see. "Sounds like Badger."
Walter quivered where he stood, getting angry and frustrated. "I'm done with this." Walter mumbled in a mumbly voice.
"What was that, Mr. White?" Inquired Jesse. "You were mumbling."
"I said I'm done! Finished! No matter what I do, I never get any respect!" Walter yelled, stomping his foot in rage. "A guy can only take so much! First my wife, then Badger, then the illegal immigrants upstairs! All the people I trust hate me!"
"Yo, that ain't true Mr. White. What about Walter Jr.?"
"Did you wonder about the bloodstains on my trousers yesterday? That happened after 'Flynn' sodomized me with his crutches for overcooking his breakfast sandwich! Then he chewed up the sandwich and spit it back out on my face! Said he'd get Louis to give him something better! I've had it up to here!"
"Yo, just calm down bitch! I mean, Mr. White."
"Day in day out, I work my cancer riddled ass to the bone just trying to earn an honest living, by making copious amounts of methamphetamine. No one respects me! No one cares! I can't take it anymore!"
Jesse had almost taken a step back from Walter, but just as Walt's impotent rage reached its crescendo, it evaporated into depression and remorse. "What should I do, Jesse?"
"Well, you know what most people do when they're feeling down. They turn to drugs." Jesse smiled as he motioned to a fresh batch of meth on the table.
"Oh, no, Jesse. I couldn't. I'd lose my job for sure. You know Gus likes to keep all the meth we make for himself!"
"Well, what he don't know won't hurt him. My lips are sealed."
"Thanks, Jesse!" Walter thanked Jesse with genuine thankfulness (directed at Jesse). Then, he quickly picked up a handful of meth, and swallowed it in one gulp. Within seconds, Walter started shaking, his eyes grew larger, but his pupils grew smaller. His mouth pulled itself into an unwilling smile as he ripped his tattered clothes from his body. Already suitably high, Walter ran in circles and shouted "I am the second coming bitches! Make way for the third revelation! WHEE!" And with that, Walter's naked, pale old body ran out of the meth lab, leaving Jesse staring in his direction.
"A man's first meth trip." Jesse said with fatherly pride, shaking his head and smiling.
Walt, by contrast, was now imagining himself being chased by dogs as he ran down the street, experiencing classing meth hallucinations. One of the dogs looked like Gus. "Eat my shit, Gus!" Walter screamed. Then he pissed himself and ran toward JP Wynne High School, where he used to teach.
Once inside, Walter burst into the classroom. "Hello, class, as you can see, I'm naked today! Sorry to make you jealous, fellas! Happy to make you horny, ladies!" Most of the students turned away in disgust. One young lady spoke up, though.
"Uh, Walt?" The girl spoke with a strangely masculine voice.
"Oh, Stephanie! It was your 16th birthday last week, right? Well, here's your present! My dick and balls!" Walter shoved his throbbing dick into Stephanie's mouth, but what he didn't realize was that this was still a hallucination. He was really in Hank's hospital room, and it was Hank who he was violating. Hank didn't want to hurt Walt, but he was gagging, and couldn't breathe. Almost on instinct, he bit down, causing Walt to yelp.
"You bitch! I love you, I lust over you every day, I even let you fellate me, and this is how you repay me!? With pain!? If I can't have you no one can!"
"Hey, Walty, just calm down. You're talking crazy!"
"Don't tell me to calm down, Steph! I'll calm you down!" Then, Walter bent over Hank and started punching him. Hard. "Bitch! You fucking bitch! I'll fucking kill you!"
"D-D-Dad! S-S-Stop!" Yelled Holly. Just kidding, it was Flynn! Flynn walked his muscular body over and swatted Walter away with his crutches. Though Flynn's strikes were strong indeed, Walter didn't feel it in his meth high. Instead, he turned around and hallucinated his son was his bitchy wife, Skyler.
"Oh, hi honey! Have I ever told you what a bitch you are?"
"D-Dad? W-What are you t-talking about?"
"Oh, you want me to be your daddy, do you Skyler? Well, strip down, and I'll show you what your daddy can do! Just be careful, because I'm an abusive parent! YAAAH!" Walter rushed toward Flynn in a rape-y tackle, but he wasn't quick enough. Just before he could wrap around his son's body, Saul Goodman burst in and shot Walt in the head with his nine millimeter, killing him in an instant.
"Sorry, folks. It had to be done. Walt was becoming a menace."
"Thank you so much, Saul!" Hank and Flynn spoke together. "We all hated Walt and we're glad he died."
The End
Right, so, when I started writing this story, I really didn't have much structure, so I played it by ear, which is why the story seems so random and meandering, and why the tone shifts so much. I also didn't have a great way to end the story, and I was worried I'd already drug it out too long, so I just did what you see here with Saul. Nonetheless, I've delivered several negative reviews of Breaking Bad stories, so it's time to show what I can do. Feel free to hit me with a negative review of your own if you disliked the story. Or, maybe you founded funny and enjoyable. That's what I was going for anyway, so I hope you liked it.