a/n: i'll update the current chapter fic probably tomorrow but i have like two oneshots just sitting on my computer and this came out of nowhere based on a photoset on tumblr from twistdmentality (dot tumblr dot com slash post slash 13914730053) and i had to write it because Claddagh Ring made me. So. The other oneshot and maybe the smut oneshot should be up sometime this week as well as an update on Anywhere But Here.
He had changed his entire life for her, had left the boy he had once thought about weddings and kids with for her, and there she was, in the middle of the hallway, kissing her boyfriend.
Blaine was sure being punched in the face would have hurt less.
He avoided her to the best of his abilities, avoided her pleas to talk to her, to hear her explanation. If he avoided her, he could avoid the fallout, the screaming and yelling he wanted to do. How he wanted to tell her it was all her fault his life was in shambles again, how he wanted nothing more than to walk out the doors of McKinley and never come back. Not that he could, his parents would never allow him to transfer back to Dalton-not after the fuss he caused about transferring in the first place.
And really, it was his own damn fault. If he had told Kurt that he was going to stay at Dalton, if he had stayed there where there were no incredibly talented brunettes with big brown eyes and even bigger voices, he wouldn't have strayed. He wouldn't have thought about Rachel as more than a friend had he not been playing the Tony opposite her Maria, not been led into even more confusing territory after their mutual decision to do the one thing both knew they shouldn't, cheating on their respective boyfriends and losing their virginities together to perfect their roles.
They wouldn't have agreed that it was in the best interest to dump their boyfriends a few weeks later, when after a mess of hormones and confusion they were found in his bedroom by his father in a less than platonic position.
He wouldn't have actually ended things with his boyfriend, only to leave both of them heartbroken and alone.
It was like she was haunting Blaine. He couldn't stop thinking about her, couldn't stop seeing her everywhere. He went to the Lima Bean on his way home one day, and there she was, Kurt on one side of her and Finn on the other. He didn't even know when Finn started going to the Lima Bean, but it felt like their relationship was now being thrown in his face on purpose.
He glared at her until she turned around, keeping the Here? Of all places? One of the few places we kissed? inside of him as he stormed out of the coffee shop, not bothering to answer the text of I'm sorry that came to his phone a few moments later.
If there was ever a girl to make him go insane, it was definitely Rachel Berry. She was gorgeous, and talented, and smart. She was funny, though you had to sift through a lot of drama to get to that point. And her smile, it made him feel like he was radiating sunshine when she'd smile at him.
But all that had disappeared when he told Kurt they were through, when he told Kurt he couldn't be with him because he wasn't 100% in it anymore, not completely committed. He left out that he had done the unthinkable, the thing he had promised he would never do and chosen Rachel over Kurt, and now he regretted that. Because she had everything. She had Kurt, she had Finn, she had Blaine.
And he had no one.
Blaine saw her come in, but that didn't stop him from punching the punching bag in front of him, if anything it just pushed him to punch harder, the anger and frustration that was floating at the surface of his every move being focused onto the bag in front of him. "What?" he asked, his voice low and gravely in a way he could see she didn't like. "What the fuck could you possibly want? Because apparently, it sure as hell isn't me."
"Blaine-" she tried, but he just turned to look at her, his anger no longer being kept in check.
"No, Rachel, because I did what we said we were going to do. I left my boyfriend. I changed my entire world, again, for you. And I come to school the next day, so excited to tell you, to say that we could start whatever it was without secrets and lies and hiding away, and you were kissing him," he seethed, his fists clenched instinctively.
"I know," Rachel said, and he could swear she was on the brink of tears, his anger ebbing as the urge to wrap her in his arms fought to prevail over it, but he stayed where he was, watching her silently. "I know, you have every reason to be upset," she said quietly, glancing at the floor beneath her. "We made a promise to each other, that we would end things with Kurt and Finn, I just-"
"You just, what, Rachel. You just thought that you'd get everything, everyone, and I'd be stuck with no where to turn?" He said, his voice raising in anger again.
"No!" She shouted, her head turning instinctively towards the door to make sure no one had heard her before she took a tentative step forward. "No, Blaine, I was going to end it, I really was. The words were about to come out, and then he was just sweet, and charming-"
"And he does this Rachel, every god damn time you two are teetering towards an end, any time your interest sways or his eye wanders, god, I've heard the ups and downs of your relationship pretty god damn thoroughly!" He could see the tears falling now, but steeled himself against them, fought to ignore them. "I heard them from you, the first time we kissed off stage. I heard them from Kurt, countless times when you and Finn would start fighting again. How he was tired of feeling like he'd have to choose between the two of you, how Finn was his brother and you were his best friend, and why did you two have to get back together? How one of you was always cheating, your attention not fully on the other. But as soon as someone acted like maybe you wanted to break up, the other fought three times as hard to be the center of your world again. Because you always want what you can't fucking have. And that's all I was to you, wasn't it Rachel? Just another thing you couldn't have."
"That's not what it was at all Blaine, I promise!" she cried, not even trying to hide the tears anymore, but he just looked at the ceiling, the floor, his hands, anywhere but her face. "I want you Blaine, I do, I just-I love him too, and I can't hurt him and this is all-"
"You can't have both Rachel!" Blaine yelled, not bothering to keep his voice down even though he knew there were people in the locker room beside them, knew it was possible Finn was in there himself. "You can't have both of us, you have to choose, one or the other." He looked at her, waiting as she collected herself, as she bit her lip and hardened her expression against him, knew she was putting up walls-had seen her do this before, the first time things had gone too far and they realized what they had done.
"So that's it, an ultimatum?" She asked, her voice cracking. "All or nothing?"
"I can't share you Rachel," Blaine answered with a terse nod. "I don't want to be your secret, not when I gave up everything so you wouldn't be mine."
"I can't just break his heart," she repeated quietly, and he scoffed, turning his head away from her so she wouldn't see the tear forming in the corner of his eye, the one he would deny had even appeared had anyone ever questioned him about it.
"Guess you've made your choice then," he said harshly, and she opened her mouth to argue before he turned his back on her, focusing the aggression and anger and pain on the punching bag once more, trying not to listen to the sound of her flats on the tile floor and the slamming of the door behind her, the sound of her crying as she did so.
He closed his eyes against his own tears, trying to block out all the emotions swirling around in his brain, focusing on the satisfaction of his fist hitting something without repercussion, how nice it would be to walk up to Finn in the hallway and do this to his face, to whisk Rachel away without her worrying about Finn, and why did Finn have to get the girl, he wasn't half as talented, he was too tall, he wasn't as smart.
Every attribute that Blaine knew he had that Finn didn't, he'd punch a little harder, spiraling deeper and deeper into despair as he did because this wasn't who he was, this wasn't what he did, he didn't try and out-do others because of something or someone he wanted. He was nice, and caring, and generous, and Rachel Berry drove that all from his mind because all he wanted was her.
He put his entire body into the punch at the thought of her, his body fighting back and seizing in pain as he felt something break, opening his eyes and realizing he had missed the punching bag, managed to catch the wall, sliding to the floor as the tears openly fell now, having absolutely nowhere to turn to as he tried to nurse the physical and emotional pain that coursed through his body.
It wasn't until he lay down to try and sleep that night, tossing and turning with his broken hand in a cast, that he let himself come to the conclusion as to why it hurt so bad, to why her rejection from their small fling had sent him into such a deep pit of self loathing and depression.
The word, the one that people threw around, the one he had only ever said to Kurt before in such a happy time-it was the reason this was all tearing him apart. He was jealous and angry and upset and alone because he loved her, and it wasn't enough, because no matter how strongly he felt for her, she would always love Finn more.