Title: May the Best Man Win
Author: Mindy
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of Tina Fey, NBC et al.
Spoilers: "Larry King", "Retreat to Move Forward".
Summary: Jack/Liz, Jack/Elisa, Liz/Drew. Kinda-AU. Missing scene kinda deal from the end of "Larry King." After Jack proposes to Elisa, he rescues Liz from Queens.
-x-x-x-
The first person Liz called when she got her phone back was Jack.
"Jack! I need you to come pick Kenneth and me up from Queens," she began as soon as he answered: "I got mugged and twisted my ankle. Kenneth got tagged and nearly sold into white slave traffic."
Jack's voice was halfway between harassed and ecstatic. "Lemon, I just got engaged--"
"What? Again?"
"And the only place I'm going is back to my bed with the woman I adore to explore every inch--"
She cut him off quickly: "I get it, you don't need to paint me a picture."
"Can't you get a cab?" he asked with a sigh.
"Asif posted my photo all over the taxi dispatch centre," she told him flatly: "I'm never getting into a cab in New York City again. Ever." She drew in a breath: "Please, Jack, I'm begging you. All I want to do is go home and--"
"Take some more photos with that deviant boyfriend of yours?" he interrupted smugly.
"I was gonna say shower," she grumbled: "And eat. Not necessarily in that order."
"As long as you don't plan on doing them together."
"Pleeease," she persisted, her tone growing more desperate: "I'll do anything, I swear."
There was some muttering on the other end of the line, followed by what sounded like some muffled kissing. Liz bobbed on her toes, waiting impatiently.
"Jack? Come on!" she called down the line. She darted a look at Kenneth who was gripping a lamppost and looking paler by the second: "I'm worried about Kenneth. I'm not sure he's ever been out past nine-thirty."
"You're in luck, Lemon," Jack announced once his mouth was again free: "Elisa said she's happy to start without me."
"Gross," she mumbled: "but thank her for me."
"I'll be right there," he replied, then paused to impress on her: "But you owe me for this. You owe me big."
"Fine, fine," she agreed hastily: "just hurry."
"Say it," Jack insisted: "Say you owe me."
She gave a shrug that did not convey over the phone. "Why's everybody getting so pushy tonight?"
"I'll hang up unless you say it."
"Okay, alright," she conceded: "I owe you big. Now get out here."
"Hold tight."
-x-
When Jack's car pulled up to the curb, Liz was warming her hands over a fire in a rusted barrel and Kenneth was slumped on the pavement, propped up by a lamppost. Jack ran around the other side of the limo to help her lift him.
"What happened to you two?" he grunted as they manoeuvred his body towards the limo.
She rolled her eyes. "Don't ask."
"Miss Lemon?" Kenneth slurred, his eyes cracking open.
She gave him a reassuring smile: "Don't worry, friend. We're gonna get you home." She watched as he dragged himself into the limo and collapsed on one of the interior couches. "I think he's shell-shocked," she told Jack in a guilt-ridden voice: "After we tore down all the prints Asif made of me, he just went catatonic. He tried not to look but I think he accidentally caught sight of one and I'm not sure he's seen a lady's chest since he was breastfed."
Jack nodded vaguely. "So it's…just the top then?"
Liz looked up at him and blinked. "What?"
"Never mind," he murmured: "What did you do with the copies?"
She pointed to the fire in the barrel: "Destroyed," then spotted some youths rounding a nearby corner. "Oh boy. Let's go."
Jack cast a look at the burning barrel, another at the approaching gang of youths then followed Liz inside the limo to give his driver the order to speed away. Almost as soon as they left the curbside, he heard her phone trill.
"So you got your phone back, at least, " he commented.
She pulled it out of her pocket and looked at the incoming message. "Yeah. But now I keep getting texts from some guy called Marlin."
"Has he seen the photo?" he asked pointedly.
Liz knit her brow, staring at nothing for a moment. "Actually I think he's gay. I just hope my photo didn't do it."
"Don't be ridiculous," Jack scoffed dismissively: "Surely, it can't be that bad."
"You haven't seen it." She tucked her phone into her jeans pocket, adding under her breath: "…thank God."
"Apparently, I would've," he noted, watching her do so: "if you hadn't gotten here in time and paid that crook."
She turned to him matter-of-factly. "In which case, my plan was to relocate to another state under the assumed name Joanie Chipowitz and raise emus."
"Which state?" Jack rasped.
"Wouldn't you like to know." She let out a huff: "I'll be keeping my back-up plan, on the off-chance I need it."
"Fair enough, Lemon. But I would still find you." He dipped his head as he assured her lowly: "You should know that."
"Well. That's not creepy," she muttered, glancing at him sideways: "…at all."
He smiled at her then asked: "How can you be so mortified by a simple snapshot?"
"Because…" Liz sighed and squirmed visibly: "it's private. It's…embarrassing."
His eyebrows lifted in response. "More embarrassing than dancing in your bra in front of the entire Six Sigma conference group?"
"That was different," she grumbled, with only a minor cringe: "That was for a good cause."
"Lemon," he declared, glancing out the window: "Your sex life is also a good cause. It needs all the help you can give it."
"You can't talk," she retorted, lifting her legs up onto the seat and curling her feet beneath her butt: "I've done it more than you and Ms Jugs-Alot."
"That's not that impressive," he remarked, eyes skimming over her: "and also rather offensive. That's my future bride you're talking about."
She scrunched up her nose. "Sorry."
Jack glanced over at a comatose Kenneth before continuing. "Besides, Elisa and I consummated our relationship just tonight."
"Uh huh," Liz nodded then shrugged: "So naturally you also proposed tonight. What are you trying to break some kinda land-speed record for dating?"
"I'm sure," he added, drawing in a breath: "given the chance, Elisa and I will easily break the less than daunting record set by you and…Handsome-ness."
"Drew," she corrected.
"Exactly," he murmured: "Have you checked his freezer for human fingers yet?"
"No, Jack," she replied imperiously: "And unlike some ladies, I am happy taking things slow. We are getting to know each other in real time. And I do not expect Drew to whip out a rock and go down on one knee any second."
Jack turned his gaze back on her. "When was the last time you received a marriage proposal, Lemon?"
"I will have you know," she replied as she shot him a self-satisfied look: "that Dennis proposes to me practically every week during the off-season."
"Really?" Jack responded lowly.
"Sure," she bobbed her head few times: "He calls, generally drunk and in the middle of the night, chews in my ear and asks what it's gonna take to change my mind about getting hitched already."
Jack rubbed his jaw thoughtfully. "I never would've expected the man to be such a hopeless romantic."
"He's very persistent," she continued, waving a finger in the air: "So I could totally be one of the marrieds if I wanted to."
"Of course you could," he agreed effortlessly: "You could be Mrs Spits-when-he-talks-Alot."
She nodded shortly. "Darn right, I could."
On the opposite couch, Kenneth stirred and rubbed his eyes. "Mother…?" he slurred then began mumbling in French.
Liz shifted over to his couch, patting his chest a few times to comfort him. "Hey there, buddy…."
As she moved, Jack noticed her cell phone slip easily out of her pocket onto the seat. He glanced over at her -- then at the phone -- then back at her as she sang to a dozy Kenneth in German.
"There ya go…" she whispered giving him one last pat as he dropped off again.
Jack snatched up the phone before she turned around.
She patted her pocket as she moved back beside him. "Hey. Is that--?"
"Ever hear of a handbag?" he muttered, easily breaching her password protect.
"Mine got stolen, okay?" She flopped back down on the leather seat: "What're you doing?"
He shot her a wry look as he punched a few buttons. "I'm texting Marlin…What do you think I'm doing, Lemon?"
"Oh, you wouldn't…!" she muttered, a warning in her tone. "Jack, no! You can't!--" She made a quick grab for the phone.
He moved it up and away. "Relax. I've seen breasts before."
"No--" she protested with a heavy sigh: "that thing was taken as a joke--"
"I enjoy a good laugh, Lemon," he replied evenly, eyes fixed on the screen.
She held out her hand, her tone resolute: "This is not funny, Jack. Give it back."
He met her eyes briefly. "Make me."
"You won't find it," she told him with false confidence. She tried to peer at the screen of the phone: "Drew hid it--"
Jack turned it towards her. "So it's not this file entitled 'sex_me_up_Liz_face'?"
Her mouth dropped open for a second before she made a lunge at him. "Gimme it!"
"Good Lord!" he chuckled, backing into the corner of the seat.
"Don't make me hurt you," she threatened, looming over him: "Press that button and so help me--"
"Shhh," he hissed, pressing a finger against his lips. He held the phone against his chest and nodded at the sleeping Page: "You'll wake Kenneth. Don't you think you've scarred him enough for one evening?"
Liz glared at him, her eyes dark and ominous. She watched him peer at the phone like he would an exceptionally good hand of poker. "Don't. You. Dare, Jack Donaghy," she warned, her voice lowered to an enraged whisper: "If you look at my naked photo I will never speak to you again!"
Jack appeared unmoved. "You shouldn't make threats you can't keep, Lemon."
"Jack--!"
He grinned up at her. "Why are you so uptight about this?"
"I'm not uptight," she spat, eyes wide: "This is not uptight. I let him take the dumb thing, didn't I?"
"You did," Jack murmured with an interested lilt in his voice: "It's possibly the first really adventurous thing you've done in years. You should be revelling in it! You should feel proud of yourself for embracing your womanhood in this way."
Liz's face screwed up into an expression of intense chagrin. "Well, I'm not, okay? I'm embarrassed and really, really… just embarrassed." She pulled back, pouting crossly: "Can I have my phone back now please?"
Jack was silent for a moment as he examined her. He turned back to the phone: "Well now I'm really curious."
"Come on, Jack," she pleaded, getting on her knees next to him: "this is not cool. Friends do not do this. Friends do not torment each other like this. Friends do not look at each other butt naked. Or want to look at each other butt naked. I certainly don't wanna see you in the buff."
He cocked his head coolly. "I'm not offering."
"Good," she huffed: "So why would you wanna see me?"
"It's a naked picture, Lemon," Jack explained in an ain't-it-obvious tone: "And I'm a normal, heterosexual male. Why wouldn't I want to see it?"
"Because you have a girlfriend," she pointed out, then corrected herself in an acid tone: "-- sorry, fiancee -- waiting at home with her own, probably far more convincing sex face, not to mention knockers the size of small ballistic missiles."
"But she's not you," he blurted out with a somewhat gleeful grin.
Liz's face twitched, she shook her head at him. "I…don't know what that means." She took in a breath: "All I know is…it's weird, it's the over-share to end all over-shares. And there's no taking it back once it's out there."
"Lemon, calm down," he murmured soothingly: "Do you honestly think you've got anything I haven't seen before?"
"I dunno," she retorted: "Ever seen a lady with a third nipple?"
Jack drew back slightly. "Ergh. No. Really?"
"No, you jackass," she shot him a withering look: "But there is no way I'm letting you see my jugs after you've seen hers."
"Hasn't anyone ever told you size doesn't matter?" he asked, tone exasperated: "More than a handful is too much?"
"No," she scowled, eyeing the phone he still held tight: "and if they did they would be lying."
"Listen, Lemon," Jack began carefully: "you have…" his gaze drifted lower, then lower still: "very nice…proportions."
She grimaced, clicking her fingers in his face. "Hey -- eyes up, Jack. My proportions are none of your concern."
He peered at her a moment beneath troubled brows. "Everything about you concerns me, Lemon."
"Not this," she shook her head emphatically: "We're getting into some weird territory here. Even for us."
Jack looked down at the phone in his hand, turning it over with a contemplative air. Finally, he lifted his head and met her eyes. "If you really don't wish for me to look at it," he said quietly: "…then I won't."
Liz held his gaze and answered plainly: "I really don't want you to look at it, Jack."
Jack reacted abruptly: "Might I remind you, that I'm missing out on proposal-sex for this? I drove into Queens for you."
"You coulda just sent the car! I coulda carried Kenneth," she countered, her composure short-lived.
"You said you'd do anything," he accused, jabbing a finger at her: "You said you owed me. Big."
Her eyes narrowed. "Jack, there is not a favour on this earth that would be big enough for me to let you see that picture."
He held up the phone, shook it slightly: "Can I just see the face part?"
Her disgusted face returned. "No!"
"Come on!" he urged: "Between friends?"
"No!" she insisted, grabbing hold of his hand with both of hers and attempting to pry the phone free. "Give it, Jack. It's mine." Her shoulder dug into his chest, her face inches from his as she fought his stronger grip.
Jack yelped as her nails dug into his wrist. "There's no call for violence, Lemon."
She released him with a shove and swiped at his shoulder with the back of her hand. Her cheeks were red as she lifted her face. "Augh, you're such an ass!"
He looked up at her, kneeling beside him, his smile slowly vanishing. "Lemon--"
"That photo was private!" she snapped at him angrily: "It was only meant to be seen by one person, Jack, one person! And that person isn't you!" She blinked a few times, frowning deeply. Then her gaze dropped and she sank back onto her heels.
Jack's iron grip on the phone loosened. He watched her for a moment, her chest rising and falling, as the car trundled smoothly along. Then carefully, he picked up her hand from her knee, turned it over and placed the phone in her palm. "Here."
She looked at him steadily for a moment: "Thankyou," then tugged her shirt down over her hips and flopped back beside him on the seat. A careful distance between them, Jack watched as she pushed some buttons on the phone.
"What're you doing?" he asked softly.
She didn't look up. "I'm deleting it."
Jack hesitated. "I don't think you should do that."
"Well, I'm doing it," she sighed, her mouth set in a straight line: "Never should have taken it in the first place."
"Lemon," Jack touched her arm lightly: "Don't delete the picture. By all means give it a different name or conceal it better. But don't get rid of it entirely."
She looked over at him warily. "Why? So it can fall into the wrong hands again?"
His mouth lifted in one corner. "Because, Lemon, the man who took it obviously finds you…very sexy. It would be a shame for you not to be reminded of that."
Liz shook her head after a moment. "It was just a prank. Believe me, there is not much about that shot that is sexy."
"I wouldn't be too sure," he murmured with a half-smile. He cleared his throat. "I mean… you are naked, right?"
"Right," she admitted, raising her eyebrows: "And my boobs do look pretty alright."
"Do they indeed?" he muttered, lifting his own brows.
She shrugged then lifted her hips and shoved the phone in her back pocket. "Not to brag or anything."
Jack sighed after a moment, glancing out at the passing traffic: "One day, Lemon, one day you will truly astound me by calling them what they actually are."
She looked questioning. "What?"
He smirked. "One of God's greatest gifts to mankind."
The question remained. "Huh?"
"Breasts, Lemon," he went on in a deliberately raspy voice: "Not knockers or boobs or jugs. They're breasts. Women possess breasts."
She shook her head slowly. "I…probably won't, you know. Astound you, I mean."
"I doubt that very much," he smiled. He shifted in his seat and added: "And a man can live in hope."
"God's greatest gifts…" she mumbled, pulling out her shirt with one finger and peering down the front of it. She let out a snort: "You're such a sucky Catholic, Jack."
"I have faith, Lemon," he declared, sneaking a sideward glance at her: "I have faith in many things."
"Like?" she questioned bluntly, looking over at him: "Big business, high profits? Ad time, negotiation, synergy--"
"Yes. Amongst other things." He nodded shortly: "And synergy most especially. I never take synergy lightly."
"I noticed," she commented, then turned to him with a furrowed brow. "What is…synergy actually?"
Jack eyed her enigmatically. "Fellowship," he told her eventually, his voice low and reverent: "People working together, in harmony, mutual agreement and sharing. The talents and actions of two entities creating something together that's greater than the sum of their individual efforts."
She nodded a few times. "Okay then. I guess that's not so dorky."
"High praise," he mused then slowly drew in a breath. "So…"
Liz sighed tiredly in response. "So…"
He looked over at her, eyes glinting in the dim light. "So, I really can't see it then?"
She rolled her eyes and shot him a rueful look. "I would have to kill you, Jack. And I wouldn't want Elisa on my ass."
At the mention of his intended, Jack sat up a little straighter. He smiled at her purposefully. "Then I have another favor to ask you instead."
She winced in anticipation. "It better not be something weird."
He beamed at her for a moment, barely able to curb his bliss. "Lemon, would you do me the honor," he asked, voice full of ceremony: "of being my best man at the wedding?"
"Your best man?" she repeated, her face relaxing into a baffled smile: "…really?"
He continued eagerly: "Elisa wants us to be married quickly so that we can begin our life together."
"You do realize I lack the vital junk for that gig?" she murmured, looking at him from the corners of her eyes.
Jack bobbed his head once. "We already established you are a woman, even though you stubbornly refuse to show me the proof." He smiled at her warmly: "Nonetheless, you are my closest and best friend."
She ducked her head. "Well…Isn't Elisa pretty traditional though?" she asked tentatively: "You think she'd be cool with it?"
Jack's smile softened. "Elisa is aware of our…" he paused for a moment: "unique bond."
"She is?"
"Of course," he assured her: "Everyone knows how you look up to me."
She rolled her eyes again. "Sure."
"So," he pressed on: "will you make me the happiest man on earth?"
"Weren't you that already?" she asked with an uncertain smile.
"This," he told her earnestly: "will complete my happiness. To stand at the altar with you at my side."
Liz hesitated, bit her lip: "Do I gotta wear a suit?"
Jack looked dubious. "I'd prefer if you didn't."
"Do I gotta come to the stag do?" She held up a finger in warning: "'Cause I'm not dancing in my bra again. That was a one time only deal."
"That is disappointing," he murmured pensively: "But understandable."
The car was slowing, pulling up to Liz's building. She glanced out the window, then faced Jack, her hand on the door.
"Well!" she announced: "Unfortunately, we are out of time. Thanks for the ride--" she slid to the edge of the seat and opened the door: "you'll drop Kenneth, right?"
He nodded: "Of course." He scooted closer to her on the seat. "So, ah, Lemon…is that a yes?"
She turned back to him. "Sure, Jack." She gave his arm a friendly punch: "I'm your best man. Or lady or…"
He gave another pleased nod. "We'll come up with a suitable title." His eyes drifted behind her to the man standing beneath her building's canopy, looking cold. "I think someone wants you," he told her lowly.
Liz turned to see Drew and gave him a little wave. "Night, then," she said as she got out of the car. She turned back again, standing in the open door and peering at him beneath the hood. "Oh, and….congratulations."
"Thankyou, Lemon." he smiled then added: "Now go show that man your sex face."
She blew some air out through her lips. "Shut up. Go show Elisa yours."
"I intend to."
She stuck out her tongue: "ugh…" as she turned away.
Liz hurried across the pavement towards Drew who kissed her cheek and rubbed her arms to warm her. She smiled as they exchanged hellos and he tucked her into his side. Jack's car began to rev as they walked inside together. But a moment later, she found herself hurtling back out of the entrance.
"Nerds!" she cried as she tapped on the window of the departing car.
After a moment, the window slid down to reveal Jack, a slow smile playing about his lips "Forget something?" he asked, holding up her runaway phone.
She gulped and regarded him suspiciously. "Tell me you didn't."
"I barely had the time," Jack simpered.
"Say it!" she insisted, grabbing the phone. "Say you didn't."
Jack let the window roll up again, "Goodnight Lemon," before the car glided silently away.
END.