Cinderella: As told by Harry and Ron
By: τйЄ ђдℓ₣ β₤ỗσđ קяΪή©зیš ♥ and Ronniekins(her friend)
Ten years after Harry, Hermione, and Ron, left Hogwarts, Hermione and Ron got married. The following year, they found out that another surprise was on its way. Hermione was pregnant. Nine months later, two healthy twins were born. Hermione and Ron christened them Sophie and Jean-Francois. Hermione had taken a liking to the names, when she had spent several summers in France.
Now the twins are two years old, and are quite a handful. They take after their uncles: Fred and George.
Hermione took time off her job as a hairstylist, to become a stay at home mom. But she really needed a break. She had dealt gracefully with whiny children not wanting their hair cut, and attitude ridden teenagers who insisted their hair looked identical to that of Britney Spears, and she could look back laughingly on the time that Ron had wanted her to cornrow his hair, and pretending he hadn't cried when she pulled it tight, but these twins were driving her up the wall.
Ginny, who had come to the rescue as always, suggested she and Hermione take a relaxing day off at the spa, while Ron took the twins. Harry, being a lonely old bachelor, agreed to help Ron baby-sit the kids.
Harry realized that he was getting old when the media started referring to him not as the Boy who Lived, but as the Boy Who's Still Living! He recognized that he would probably stay single forever, as this new nickname, was not exactly a turn-on.
That day, Ginny had to practically drag Hermione out the door to save Ron and Harry form going deaf. She was giving them instructions and warnings, all yelled at the top of her lungs. "If you dare drop them I will…."
"Come on Hermione." Said Ginny exasperatedly, managing to roll her eyes and blink at the same time.
"Bye dear!" yelled Ron out the door, "Have fun, get relaxed!"
"Bye." Yelled Harry, as Ginny and Hermione disapparated, and disappeared into thin air.
"Bloody hell, I stand by what back in fifth year, she's such a lovely sweet tempered girl." Said Ron.
"Ronald! I thought I told you not to use profanity in front of my children!" screamed Hermione.
"Hey! Where'd you come from?" asked Ron, "You were there, and now you're here and, and…"
Hermione rolled her eyes, "I forgot my coat. Goodbye Ronald." She disapparated once again, muttering to herself about how crazy she was to trust them with her babies.
"How hard can this be?" said Harry, "Hermione just isn't as tough as us. We can handle it!" He picked Jean-Francois out of his crib and threw him up in the air, then caught him again.
"Uh, Harry, I wouldn't do that if I were you, he just…" Ron was cut off as Jean-Francois barfed all over Harry's designer blazer. "Ahh! That's my newest casual purple blazer" "I just got it from Le Chateau…or I mean from uhh some manly store!"
During all the commotion, no one had noticed Sophie as she crawled into Ron and Hermione's bedroom. Whilst following Sophie into the room, Harry found her with the drawer to the dresser beside the master bed. "Oh Ron is so busted!" Sophie had unknowingly stumbled across Ron's stash of playboy magazines!
"Bl…ooey Hooey!" Stated Ron, just barely stopping himself from "uttering profanity" as Hermione always said, " Harry what are you doing with those!"
"I should be asking you the same question!" said Harry. "Sophie found them, and beside the bed, have some class mate!"
"Well, I mean, I didn't, well, shut-up!" Ron stuttered.
After hiding the magazines and cleaning Harry's blazer, Ron suggested that they try to put the twins to sleep.
"How do you put little energizer bunnies to sleep?" Asked Harry watching Sophie and Jean Francois race in circles around Ron's feet.
"A story maybe?" suggested Ron.
"Yeah!" agreed Harry, "I know, a Fairy Tale!"
"I'll get the books Hermione always reads them." Said Ron taking the stairs two at a time. When he got up to the twins' bedroom, he went over to the bookshelf and began to read titles. "Foo-Foo Goes to School? Mr. Happy Meets Mr. Silly? Or, Cinderella? Hmmm, let's see, an obnoxious white dog learning maths, two gay happy faces meeting each other, or, a hot bird in a low cut dress? Cinderella it is!" He ran down stairs to join Harry and the kids, and found Sophie colouring on the walls with permanent markers, and Jean-Francois trying to eat Harry's sock. He was so preoccupied with reading Ron's playboy magazines, that he didn't even notice.
"You really have a way with kids." Said Ron, indicating to Jean Francois, who had now started backing away from Harry, marveling at the string of spit dangling from his sock, only to lunge forward with renewed attempts to eat Harry's foot, and Sophie, who had moved her artistic talents from the wall to the antique picture of a sailboat.
"Ewwww! Get it off get it off get it off!" Harry shrieked like a little girl, hopping around the room on one foot with Jean Francois dangling happily from the other.
"Honestly Harry." Said Ron, sounding remarkable like Hermione. Ron sat everyone down on the couch and started the classic bedtime story. "Once upon a time there was a really hott babe, with blonde hair and the biggest jugs in the land." Began Harry.
"Harry, there's a lady present." Protested Ron, Indicating Sophie, "And some very innocent, inexperienced ears." he said, indicating Harry himself.
"Hey!" protested Harry.
"That's not how the story goes when Mommy tells it!" said Jean-Francois.
"Yes, but Mommy's version is boring." Explained Ron.
"I like this version better!" screamed Sophie. Ron looked somewhat disturbed by this but continued on with the story anyways.
"She also had three really hot stepsisters, named Fleur, Parvati, and Lavender. Her old, ugly, mean stepmother was named Pansy."
"She had wrinkles on her buttocks." claimed Harry.
"Hey! How do you know about Pansy's bottom?" cried Ron
"I'm making it up!" Said Harry, Trying to look and sound innocent but failing miserably.
"We'll talk about this later!" said Ron, "Anyways…There was this prince. He had bleach blond hair and a 'gorgeous' six pack. All the stepsisters loved him, even though he was an 'arsehole' to anyone but royalty."
"His castle boarded the water, and he loved to go down to the beach. The girls would all flaunt themselves in the tiniest bikinis possible, and the guys would watch enviously." Continued Harry.
"One day, the prince decided he would have a private beach party for his birthday, which only the prettiest girls could attend. Cinderella and her stepsisters were all invited. The night before the party Cinderella was still wondering what on earth she was going to wear." said Ron, " I can't think of anything interesting," Said to Harry. "You take over."
"Okay, um…. She had been planning on taking an old bathing suit of her stepsisters' or sewing a skirt, but she was so busy painting Fleur, Parvati, and Lavender's toenail's, that she didn't have time. It was an hour before the party, and she was actually contemplating going naked." said Harry with a dreamy look on his face, as he pictured in his mind a Cinderella with a body like Ashlee Simpson, going to a beach party naked.
"You make me sick, I can see you picturing Ashlee Simpson in your head! Moving on, Cinderella was distressing because she didn't have time to sew something and her sisters would notice if the wore there clothes. Suddenly, some fat lady with wings appeared, clutching the ugliest magic wand with a star on the end of it." Said Ron glancing dubiously at the picture in the storybook. "I am your slutty godmother!" Cried the woman, gesturing to her tiny slashed top and hot pants. "You certainly can't go to the beach party like that!" She cried gesturing to Cinderella's full-length skirt and ratty sweater, covered in ash and not revealing an inch of skin! "Instant whore!" She cried, waving the pitiful wand. Suddenly Cinderella was transformed. She was wearing a tiny black bikini, which was very accentuating, under a white see through tube top and a flouncy skirt that looked more like a belt. Cinderella stared unbelievingly in the mirror."
"Oh, oh don't forget the black strappy sandals, the ones that tie up at the knee!" Cried Harry eagerly. "Cinderella went to the ball, feeling like a total sex kitten. When she arrived at the beach, the first thing she saw was the prince, dancing with some girls in his tiny black Speedo. She almost ran screaming in the other direction, but was prevented when a slow song came on, and a guy stroked her passionately on the triceps and asking her to dance. Many other guys asked her to dance, and so did a couple of girls."
"As Cinderella was standing at the bar, getting a drink, the prince approached her and said, "Hey, babe, wanna grind?" "Ugh, no, get away from me." Replied Cinderella. "Yes? Okay, let's go." He said dragging her onto the dance floor. Cinderella tried to pull away, but without success. She bent down to untie her shoe, screamed" You foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach!" and threw it at him as hard as she could." Ron stared into space reminiscently, remembering that time in third year when Hermione slapped Malfoy.
"By now, everyone was staring at the scene Cinderella had caused with the prince. Unfortunately, the shoe had hit the prince in the six-pack, which slowly started to deflate, revealing a beer gut and rolls of flab. "Ewwww!" Screamed every girl on the floor; most rushing to pull their tops back over their bikinis. The prince tried desperately to cover the inflatable abs, but unfortunately for him, at that moment the socks he had stuffed down his Speedo fell out. "So that's why he wouldn't go swimming!" Realized the disgusted girls." They were all getting ready to leave when a dazzlingly handsome man stepped on the floor. "Hi, I'm Harry." He said hopefully.
"You wish!" shouted Ron. "Hiya Harry!" Cried Colin Creevy, the strange boy in a corner, who knows how he got there. "Wanna dance, I've been practicing my moves!" "Oh Gods!" Said Harry, running in the other direction. "He's scarier then Voldemort!" He shouted over his shoulder. "Tee Hee, gotcha Harry" Said Colin, now moving towards Pansy, because her wrinkly bottom turned him on." Said Ron.
"The prince sheepishly ran back into the castle, and the party continued, without a hitch except when Ron tried to break dance, and had to go to the hospital because he sprained his neck. Cinderella had a lovely time dancing with every boy who asked, but refusing all the girls. When it was time to go home, Cinderella had gotten so many phone numbers that they were written up her stomach and across her back. Seamus had offered to write his under her bikini top because he couldn't find any more room, but Cinderella made him settle for her upper thigh." Said Harry.
"When Cinderella got home, her sisters bombarded her with offers. They promised to never ask anything of her again if they could copy down all the guys' phone numbers. Cinderella agreed and made sure, as soon as they were done to call Ron." Said Ron, "Then she lived happily ever after." He finished.
"Wow, that was way better than when Mommy reads it to us!" cries Jean-Francois.
"See I told you, you would like it!" said Ron, "All guys like a story where the heroine has a huge rack!"
Just then, Hermione and Ginny apparated into the living room. Ron sat up, "Hey Honey, how was the spa?"
"It was wonderful!" she said, but before she could go into her full-launched explanation of the day's events, Sophie interrupted her.
"Mommy, what's a rack?" she asked.
"Iraq? Why it's a country!" she said, "Ron, have you been teaching them geography?" she said incredulously. She was so relaxed she didn't even suspect her husband.
Later that night Sophie and Jean Francois requested a bedtime story. "Can you read us Cinderella?" They begged.
"Alright" Hermione agreed. "Once upon a time…"When Hermione finished the twins were very disappointed.
"Why did you skip the part about the beach party, and Cinderella's huge rack?"
A look of dawning comprehension arose on Hermione's face. She literally went purple with rage. "RONALD!" she screamed!
THE END