Selfish Pain
By: ioanhoratio
Spoilers: Up to Pay Up
This is going AU to Pay Up. Everything happens the same except the final 10 seconds (sorry…did my eyes just roll? Yeah, I kinda think the whole thing at the end a little silly and unnecessary. It was already a pretty powerful episode. Eddie Cahill was absolutely amazing. Arg. O.K. rant over. Anyway this starts as everyone is leaving the bar…unharmed.
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Stella could see the conflict in Danny's eyes. He would glance at his close friend at the bar and then look back to his wife. Stella knew Danny wanted to be there for Don but also knew he needed to get his wife home to their daughter. Stella turned and also looked at her dear friend as he took another long pull of his beer bottle. Her heart ached and she fought the tears. She made eye contact with Mac. She communicated her intent with a slight head nod. Mac immediately understood and with the ease that comes from years of friendship and care moved in to help as well. He walked over to Don as Stella made her way over to Danny and Lindsay.
"Hey kiddos," Stella opened.
"Hey Stella," Lindsay quietly replied.
"Listen, Mac and I are gonna make sure Don gets home safe. Why don't you two go ahead and head out. Go see that beautiful baby of yours and kiss her silly," Stella prompted gently as she placed a hand on Danny's shoulder.
"Are you sure?" Danny asked as he looked into Stella's eyes and saw what she was trying to do.
"You bet," Stella gave Danny a small smile and then leaned in for a hug.
"Thank you," The younger man softly spoke. He watched as Stella turned and gave Lindsay a hug. As soon as they broke apart Danny reached out and again intertwined their fingers. They hadn't let go of each other's hand since they had arrived at the bar. He could sense a deep pain in his wife that stemmed from more than losing a friend today. Danny was so tired of the pain. He had seen his brother Louie a victim of a violent crime, Adien had died at the hands of a rapist, Don had nearly died in a bombing, Stella had to murder her boyfriend in order to save his own life, Hawkes' girlfriend had been violated and demeaned by a stranger, and then there was Lindsay. She had witnessed a terrible thing and carried the weight of it in her soul. Now Jessica Angell's life had been taken because of greed. All that pain—
Danny was pulled from his thoughts by a gentle tug on his arm. He looked up to his wife's face. He could see she was quickly losing an internal battle. He hated that look in her eyes. It was the same look she carried just before she left for Montana to testify. The look she had when they were dealing with the Suicide Girls case. She wasn't just trying to hide her pain. She was trying to keep from drowning in it. It was time to get her out of there and back home.
Danny kissed the back of her hand and asked, "Do you want to go talk to Don before we leave?"
Lindsay thought for a moment before quietly saying, "I'm afraid I'll make things worse."
Danny shook his head, "No baby. You only make things better. Come on."
He led them over to his friend. Mac was silently sitting next to Don. Danny felt guilty at not being able to help more. He felt guilty that he was more concerned with his wife than with his friend. Danny loved Don. He would do anything for him. He thought of him as a brother but he couldn't help that his top priority was his family. He also couldn't help the guilt.
"Hey buddy," Danny said simply. Don turned towards them, the pain in his eyes evident. Danny felt a slight rush of air go past him as Lindsay threw her arms around Don. The surprise on Don's face would have been comical in any other situation. His surprise soon past though and he quickly wrapped his arms around Lindsay.
"I'm so sorry Don," Lindsay whispered into his ear. Don dropped his head into her shoulder and allowed a quiet sob to escape. Lindsay tightened her arms around him as a few tears of her own escaped. After a few moments Don lifted his head and looked at Danny over Lindsay's shoulder. A nod passed between them.
"Danny it's late," Don said as he released Lindsay, "Get your sweet wife home."
"Yeah," Danny replied as he gently pulled Lindsay to him, "I think I'll do that. Don if you need anything…" Danny trailed off.
"Yeah," was all Don said as the two men embraced briefly.
Wordlessly Danny and Lindsay left the bar and headed home. In the cab Danny attempted several times to make eye contact with his wife but Lindsay spent the ride staring out of the window. Danny wasn't going to push her here in a cab. He wanted to get her home—their home.
Wearily they made their way up the stairs. Their ears were immediately met with the cries of their daughter. Danny hurriedly unlocked the door and Lindsay pushed passed him.
"Oh, good your home," Danny's mom smiled at them, "Lucy loves her grandma but she is ready for Mom and Dad to be home." The cry infant seemed to scream a little louder as if in agreement.
"Thank you for taking care of her on such short notice," Lindsay said as she took her daughter in her arms, "Normally I wouldn't be at the lab this late but I just didn't feel like I could leave under the circumstances."
"Of course darling, don't ever apologize for allowing me to spend a little extra time with my granddaughter," she said with a smile then added, "I am sorry about your friend. Did you catch the guy who was responsible?"
Lindsay could only nod as she set about to feed Lucy.
"Yeah, we got 'em," Danny filled in for her.
"Well I will just let you two get settled for the night and let myself out," Danny's mom grabbed her purse and made to pass by Danny. He stopped her with a hand.
"Thanks again Ma. I can't tell you what it meant to know we didn't have to worry about who was taking care of Lucy today. I kept the cab waiting downstairs. I already paid him."
Mrs. Messer cupped her son's cheek—her son who had grown so much in the last year. She was proud of him and grateful for her new daughter-in-law. "You take care of that family of yours," she instructed. She kissed him on the cheek and then left.