Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers: Brawl or any of the characters, and this piece of fanfiction is for the sole purpose of entertainment.

Pairing: IkeMarth
Genre: crack!humor, romance, fantasy
Rating: R
Words: 2059
Warnings: homosexuality, language, sexual situations, magic-induced crack of dubious quality

A/N: Sometimes, SSBBSwords/LilPurplFlwr demands I write her things based on random prompts/objects. I usually try to oblige because I have been her writing slave since our friendship began a dozen years ago. This particular time around, she demanded court jesters, magicked-away pants, and orgasms. Obviously, the only thing I could think of was dirty crack… and I am amused enough by this to disseminate it on the wide internetz. (You have my half-hearted apologies.)

Court of the Magically Disappearing Pants

Ike was pretty fond of his life. He didn't have much to complain about; as the court jester, he got to goof around and make jokes all day and was rewarded for it. He had housing in the castle and he got free, gourmet, king-worthy food—you know, after he entertained King Link and his court during banquet time. But cold food was still food in his stomach and sure as hell beat all that starving he did as a peasant child.

And the rest of the court was pretty nice, too. Queen Zelda was absolutely a gem; fair in face and heart, as they say, and was probably the better half of the royal couple (if he were allowed his simple opinion). Pit, the royal adviser, was wise beyond his young years and well-deserving of his post. Falco was royal strategist, and his tactical abilities were unrivaled and ensured victory for Hyrule time and time again. And with Samus Aran as head of the army… well, let's just say Ike would never dream of crossing her. (She was nice otherwise and laughed uproariously at his jokes.)

But then there was the court wizard. Marth.

Initially, Ike would have placed him in the Pretty Nice camp with the rest of the court but, as of recent times, the wizard firmly deserved his own category: Sexy but Freaking Dangerous.

See, Ike had initially been struck by the man's impossible beauty. He was probably the only man Ike had ever laid eyes on in his life where he would use that descriptor over "handsome." But Marth really was beautiful: luxurious hair of a shade that put the color blue to shame, delicate bone structure, porcelain skin, and the most striking eyes he had ever had the (mis)fortune to gaze into.

Obviously, he was smitten upon first sight. Apparently, Marth had somehow likewise been charmed. But unlike normal people who go about courting by striking up conversation and hoping to eventually cop a feel, the wizard had his own… less than conventional courting methods.

Mainly, he liked to magic away Ike's pants. Every. Damn. Day.

Normally, he would love to take advantage of his pants-less situation and do things with such a sexy conquest, but these... pants disappearing instances occurred at rather inopportune times. He was starting to think that Marth himself couldn't even control it. It wasn't like the wizard chanted an incantation before his pants disappeared. Nope, Ike was usually just minding his own jesterly duties around the audience hall when he would catch sight of the wizard piercing him to the core with such an intense stare, it possibly scared him even more than it aroused him. And then not a second later, poof. He would be pants-less. Right in the middle of the usually-occupied room.

Needless to say, it was mortifying. But everyone almostalways laughed when it happened, and he had come to depend on it to provide some laughs in the day, so routine was his magical pantsing. He'd even made his own comedic routine to enact when (not if) he found his pants suddenly missing.

The first time it had happened, he was entertaining the royal prince during one of the king's war strategy meetings. He was mesmerizing little Toon Link with some pretty fancy juggling, if he did say so himself, when he noticed the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. Feeling watched, he had looked over towards the planning table where he saw Marth, completely ignoring the meeting and literally oozing sex from his eyeballs that were trained on none other than his own personage.

And then it happened.

Suddenly, cool air rushed against his privates and his eyes popped wide open as the young prince broke out into raucous laughter. He dropped all of the balls he was juggling as he stared down at himself in shock and horror, confused as all hell as to why he suddenly had no pants. Soon the chamber was filled with laughter as everyone but Samus and Marth broke out into giggles when they noticed his state of undress. Samus looked disturbed (Ike had always assumed she favored women, if the way she stared lengthily at Queen Zelda was any indication), but Marth was still giving him that piercing stare. The only difference now was that it somehow seemed even hungrier.

Rushing away from the meeting hall after excusing himself, he had run back to his room to redress himself. He was hoping that it was simply a one-time prank that the taciturn and serious wizard had decided to play on him for all the jokes at Marth's expense and thought nothing more of it.

Then it kept happening. First, it was once a week. The a couple times a week. Quickly enough, it occurred every other day… and soon it became a daily experience.

The royal seamstresses were getting really fed up with him, as they basically had to sew a new pair of pants for him every single day. He didn't blame them. He was pretty fed up with it himself!

It never happened when they were alone. Perhaps it was because Ike was so freaked out by the other man that he did everything he could to ensure he was never alone with Marth. But it had reached a breaking point. It was getting ridiculous! Sure, he was a jester and making people laugh was basically his job, but everyone had gotten tired of regularly seeing his junk. Everyone but Marth, it seemed.

After his pants magically vanished for the thousandth time that day, Ike resolved to finally confront the wizard. Cowardice, be damned! He could do this. Really. But he wasn't scared without reason, after all. Marth was seriously dangerous(ly sexy). Who knew what else he could do with his magic! What if his ding dong disappeared because Marth wanted it mounted on his wall?!

These were valid concerns, after all.

So it was with much trepidation that Ike stood in front of Marth's study and knocked lightly on the heavy, wooden door.

"Come in," came the muffled reply from the other side.

Taking a humongous breath and steeling himself, Ike pushed the door open and stepped inside. Almost instantaneously, he felt that unnerving, piercing gaze center directly on him. He suddenly found himself afraid to look up at the considerably smaller man.

"Ike," Marth breathed, a hint of surprise coloring his voice as he stepped away from his desk, folding up his scroll and quill. After a very long and undoubtedly awkward pause, the wizard cleared his throat. "How can I help you?"

Finally working up the nerve, Ike finally looked at the other man, his entire face set with grim determination. "Marth, this has to stop." Was it him, or was the other man… getting closer…?

"Whatever do you mean?" That's it. Marth was feigning innocence. They both knew—hell, everyone in the freaking castle, knew what was going on.

"Don't play dumb, Marth!" he shouted, angrily raking a hand through his hair and further mussing up the eternally unruly strands. "My pants. Stop it, godddamnit. If you want me so badly, just freaking ask!"

No, Ike wasn't imagining things. Marth was getting closer. The smaller man was halfway across the room now, which was really bizarre because Ike didn't notice him walking at all.

"… Just ask, you say?" Oh, there was that hungry look again. Ike was regretting coming here now. Oh goddess, he needed to get out. But Marth continued on despite his internal panicking. "Just ask and you'll fall into my bed?"

Wow, his gulp was audible. That was embarrassing. But why on earth was he getting painfully and horribly aroused when imminent danger was clearly advancing on him? "U-u-uhh," he stuttered before he regained a modicum of composure, "I mean, you've got to be a little more charming than just… magicking away my pants, you know." He could do this. Talking. They could totally talk like two rational adults.

A smirk had quirked up the side of Marth's mouth. There was no other way to describe it outside of predatory. "You want more?"

Marth was nearly upon him now, and Ike was finding it incredibly hard to breathe. He needed to get out of here. Plan abort! Danger, DANGER. But just as his brain informed his leg muscles that they should be pivoting and taking him posthaste out of this very terrifying room, he realized with a sinking feeling that he couldn't move. It was as if there was an invisible barrier shackling him to the inside of the door. And considering that it was a magically powerful being staring at him like a juicy steak dinner, that seemed rather likely.

"M-Marth… let me go, please." He was clearly terrified now, and any arousal he had accumulated dissipated immediately as his self-preservation instinct kicked in.

Reaching out a hand to brush gently against his cheek, Marth continued to smirk as he mused aloud, as if to himself. "But I thought you wanted more?" Just as Marth finished speaking, his pants (once again) disappeared.

"Maybe not now!" he nearly shouted, staring down at his exposed body and half-expecting his penis to simply disappear just like his pants. "Um, we could… try dinner sometimes! Or a walk in the castle gardens! Do you like flowers? I like flowers just fi—"

His rambling was cut abruptly short as he felt a cool, wind-like touch against his flaccid member. Eyes wide, he stared at the wizard standing across from him, only to notice that the other's hands were clearly not anywhere near his privates and instead were tracing little lazy loops across his chest.

"But I want you now, Ike." Marth's face was disturbingly close to his, his intense gaze not one bit mitigated by the long row of lashes. "Let me give you more."

The cool wind wrapped itself around his flesh, and Ike felt his breath catch in his throat despite everything—because it was gentle, otherworldly, and sent tingles all the way to the tips of his fingers. It was unlike anything he had ever felt and it was pleasurable beyond words. His breathing quickened rapidly as he leaned back against the wooden door for support, his knees suddenly feeling week. "What… what are you doing to me?" he panted out the question, sweat beading along as his back as the pressure grew in his abdomen.

Marth didn't answer him but merely smiled before he leaned up and pressed his lips against Ike's own in a surprisingly demure kiss.

Whatever Marth was doing to him, it was unrelenting. Ike could barely control his voice as the pleasure licked up his stomach, the tingles spreading out over every inch of his body. His arms nearly went numb with the sensations, and before he knew it, he was clutching to the smaller man for support, his fingers digging into Marth's upper arms. In an embarrassingly short amount of time, he found himself climaxing, moaning into Marth's shoulder as his body trembled and his hips reflexively bucked.

"Did… did you just…" his sentence kept on getting interrupted by the heaving of his chest, and Ike breathed for a few moments to steady his lungs. "Did you just magic me to orgasm?"

Marth's reply was to chuckle, the sound light and mischievous. Ike's come had spurted all over the front of the other man's robe and was dripping down to the floor, but the wizard didn't seem to mind the mess in the least. "If you liked it, you're more than welcome to come to my bed whenever you like."

Ike was surprised to find himself blushing and coughed in embarrassment before he remembered his original goal in coming to the wizard's study. "So… will you finally stop magically doing away with my pants?" Ike figured it would stop, considering that they were now sleeping with each other. And hopefully Marth's seemingly insatiable sexual appetite for him might be controlled in private.

The other man tilted his head to one side, pursing his lips in exaggerated contemplation. "Hmm… maybe."

"What do you mean 'maybe'?!"

Marth promptly shut him up with his mouth before dragging him forcibly to the bed in the corner of the room.

The next day, during the dinner banquet, Ike's pants disappeared yet again.

-end-