The Minds Confession.
The ride back to the hotel was surprisingly quiet. Things still weren't right between them, hell, they may never be right again. But the quiet gave him comfort, things would be much worse if they were still shouting at each other.
Audrey had been surprisingly quiet as they spoke in the conference room, and it was the first time since Paul's death that she would actually listen to him. Before that she had blocked his words out and told herself she hated him over and over again. Deep down she knew it wasn't entirely true, she loved him - that's what made it worse.
Earlier she was going to leave him, despite there feelings for each other. Now Paul was dead she didn't have to do that, she wouldn't have to care for her estranged husband. Some feelings had resurfaced for him over the day but there was nothing real there, she knew they would be walking down a beaten track.
She was angry at herself for the relief she felt. Relief that she didn't have to do that again, and more so that she wouldn't have to break Jacks heart. She was angry and upset with the character Jack had displayed, but after calming down and looking at the situation objectively she realised she couldn't blame him entirely.
He had to do what he had to do, she concluded, even if it lost Paul his life. She found comfort from his pain which he wasn't trying to hide from her. He was as hurt as she was by his actions, he thought he had left this work behind, where every action leads to consequences others have to endure. She felt her heart tingle even more as he apologised to her, he was hurting more than she, for he was the one who had killed him.
She couldn't forgive him straight away, she felt it would be ignorant to Paul's memory. But each time she saw Jack or spoke to him, her heart warmed a little more. She started to feel like she had done before the hellish day had broke out, she felt like they were a couple again, they had something special between them. She hoped there still was, for she knew she had deliberately pushed him away.
She was being selfish to an extent. She wanted him to suffer, so he knew she wouldn't accept this lifestyle; if he stayed at CTU there was no future for them. But as she punished him she was worried, that she might push him too far so she couldn't have him back.
In truth she was punishing herself. She was devastated at Paul's death but even madder at herself for being so crushed. To feel upset would be natural, but she was going to leave Jack, her life, for him. She had been acting out of weakness, compassion and guilt. But now she was thinking clearly and she wanted to make herself hurt for her callousness with Jack, maybe if she experienced the same fear and wonder as he did she could understand him better.
She was making up excuses, she admitted to herself. She had acted out of fear and chose to take the easy path to familiarity rather than stay with her heart, with Jack. It had almost cost her everything. At the death of Paul and then the crushing of Jack's soul, she had almost lost her second chance, but there was still a chance, she just had to accept it. She wanted to take it yet she continued to push it away, hoping Jack would understand without ever knowing what it was she was doing.
She felt like Judas, only she wasn't betraying him for money, but for herself. Taking the easy way out at his cost. Thank God he would never know what she could have done, it would have crushed him and possible ended what little they had left between them. When they got to the apartment they would talk, and from then on they could start rebuilding everything that had been damaged through the course of the day.
He opened the door and waited for her to enter before closing it behind them. He stood before it, his head resting back against it as he struggled to find the words which desperately needed to be said. How could he make her understand how sorry he was, for his actions? He couldn't, he knew, for as much as he hurt over it, he knew it was the right thing to do. Paul's sacrifice had been worth it, for hundreds of thousands of people had been saved.
Audrey turned around to face him, aware of her own need to talk to him but too stunned to say anything. She felt bad for hurting him, and was still mad at herself. She was punishing herself and a small part of her thought that he deserved to worry, he had been no angel today.
He moved over and perched on the edge of the bed as she was, the very same bed they had made love in only hours ago. But now there was a gap between them, both knowing they had to keep the distance there no matter how much they wanted to close it.
He opened his mouth to speak but she raised a finger and gently touched his lips, telling him not to speak. It was another sign of rejection but he couldn't help but find hope from the action too, it was contact in the very least.
She was crying now, but he wouldn't hold her. How could he? He was the reason she was crying, unless of course the tears were for Paul. Either way, he was responsible for her pain, and he could do nothing to change it. Still, he would never wonder if he made the right choice, in his mind there had been no choice. One life for that of the masses, how could he doubt that?
They sat in silence for some time, both staring at the floor, as though they were afraid to face each other or the truth that hung between them like a cloud of fog. Jack wanted to apologise for his actions, but he wanted her to understand why he did it. Was it possible to do either without making her hate him even more? How could she tell him it was okay, knowing she had deliberately hurt him to hurt herself?
How could things ever be the same between them after this, he thought, how could there possible be anything left between them worth salvaging?
Eventually he spoke, breaking the piercing silence between them. His voice was nothing more than a gravely whisper, as though it hurt to speak the words. He called her name gently, not continuing until she met his eyes. He considered his words, how to apologise, how to justify his actions, but then he knew that wasn't necessary. He could never explain the way his mind worked to her, just like she could never understand. He chose, instead, to tell her something she could understand, something she would hopefully accept.
"I love you."
Her hand cupped his chin as a small smile crossed her lips, before vanishing as the tears filled her eyes.
"I know."
Jack moved his head to the side, forcing her to move her hand. This was it, he thought, it was over, there was nothing left she could build up on. Didn't she realise that he would happily start from the ground up again?
"I can't put my thoughts into words Jack… I can't possibly explain to you how I feel."
He smirked as he continued to study the floor, she had just voiced his exact thoughts. If only… he thought wistfully.
"Lets not waste time getting upset over why each of us did what we did."
He looked up sharply, was she giving him a chance here?
"I know how sorry you are over this, and I know how strong your beliefs about what you do are. As long as you know how tremendously sorry I am too, maybe we can try again?"
Her voice was timid, almost shy; as though she was scared of him rejecting her. A look of disbelief slowly crossed his face as his mouth opened.
What on Earth did she have to be sorry for? He fiddled with the zipper on his jacket as he thought about her words, maybe he shouldn't even ask why she was sorry, maybe he should take her advice. If she could look past his actions and give him a chance, he would happily look past whatever guilt she seemed to hold, they could still have something here.
He knew they would never forget his actions - they would haunt both of them for different reasons. But maybe, he thought, just maybe, surviving this day will make us stronger…. He smiled, and she smiled too, not knowing of his thoughts but feeling safe and comforted. He wasn't going to leave her, thankfully she hadn't pushed him away, despite how hard her conscience had tried.
They laid tangled in the sheets together hours later, both exhausted from the days events, mentally and physically. They had been pushed over the border of limits and were still clinging onto the edge. With each others support Audrey was sure they could help pull each other back up onto safe land.
She smiled to herself as she woke slightly startled, until she realised where she was. She shuddered at where she would be if she had left with Paul, then smiled in sadness at his memory. He had died the death of a hero, he would like that.
She pulled the cover over them both and smiled as Jack rolled onto his side to face her sleepily, subconsciously bunching the quilt up in his hands holding onto it tightly. She had tried to push him away out of spite, the very thing he feared of doing to her, the irony she thought, pleased things hadn't ended the way they could have. She brushed a hand through his hair then removed the quilt from his grip and replaced it with her own hand, smiling as he squeezed onto that in its place. She closed her eyes and gripped it back, knowing this time she would never let go.
END
Yes I thought I'd write something 'happy.' Well… hopeful in the very least!
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