Sex, Lies & Potential Poisonings

Chapter One: Case in Point

"House, if you're going to keep calling my girlfriend for consults, then you need to just hire her. Stop wasting her time and dragging her all the way over here when she doesn't even work at this hospital." Dr. James Wilson's hands were firmly planted on his hips, and his brown eyes were narrowed in judgment of his best friend and colleague, Dr. Gregory House.

"Ah, but where's the fun in that?" House retorted, clacking his cane against the floor and beginning to move away from both the conversation and Wilson himself.

"You've said you've accepted Amber," Wilson reminded him.

"Does that mean I don't have the right to ask for her services?" House replied with a smile, moving a little faster, in the general direction of Cuddy's office.

"Not when you make it sound like she's a prostitute, no!" Wilson said, offended, as he followed House. "You can't out-run me, you know," he added, getting no response as House arrived at Cuddy's door and promptly opened the door before shutting it again – directly in Wilson's face.

"What did you want me for?" House inquired, talking not to Cuddy herself but instead focusing his eyes on the low-cut, soft-looking purple sweater she was sporting.

"I have a case," Cuddy replied. "And my eyes are here, you know."

"I know that, I took Anatomy," House said with a grin. "But I wasn't looking for your eyes." Cuddy found herself not caring that he wasn't looking at her eyes as she proceeded to roll them. "And why do I care if you have a case?"

"I misspoke," Cuddy responded, "You have a case." She extended one hand; in it was a manila file folder. "Should I have put it in my cleavage so that you'd pay attention?"

"That would be a lot of fun," House admitted, but took the file from her as he did. As he opened it, Cuddy began to narrate the case's specifics.

"Three-year-old girl. In a coma, non-responsive. The grandmother of the girl has come forward and says she thinks the daughter is poisoning her, but CPS won't act without proof. Tox screen found traces of heavy metals, but it's not clear whether she was poisoned or even whether that's the reason for the coma." Cuddy looked at House with a somewhat pleading look.

"And the mother?" House asked.

"Crazy party girl, in her early 20's," Cuddy explained. "But… A poisoner? I don't know." She grinned and batted her eyelashes. "I guess you'll need to talk to her and find out."

"Or send Chase to talk to her," House retorted. "He seems to be good with young females. He gets their juices flowing."

"Thanks for a visual I could have really done without." Cuddy looked down and began flipping through paperwork.

"I live to serve." House walked back out of the office, glad to see that Wilson was no longer standing sentry there and waiting to talk his ear off any more.

The first member of his team he managed to encounter was Kutner, who was walking with a bounce of excitement that gave House pause.

"Did you get laid last night?" House inquired. Kutner opened his mouth to answer, and House cut him off, adding, "By a woman who wasn't pixilated?"

"It was just a good night," Kutner replied with a grin. "Not saying any more."

"Yeah, I'm sure there was a Star Wars marathon on last night or something." Kutner didn't bother to be offended. If he had been a sensitive sort, he'd have never chosen to work for House.

"What's our case?" he asked, reaching down to try and grab House's file from him.

"Little kid," House replied, pulling the file back. "Not so quick, Kutner! Mine!" He led the younger man into the conference room, where Thirteen and Taub were already assembled. "Who here was a party girl in college?" Everyone looked at Thirteen, who rolled her eyes.

"What are you getting at?" she asked.

"We have a mystery on our hands," House continued, adding spooky noises as he curled his fingers and wiggled them.

"Don't we always? What does this have to do with partying?" Thirteen pressed.

"Patient is a three-year-old female, in a coma. The mother is suspected of poisoning her with heavy metals." House paused and smiled. "See, now if Cameron were still on my team, she would take this moment to gasp and be horribly offended. But I guess poisoning your children is so last week."

"Nothing really shocks me much anymore," Taub said curtly. "Since the mother's under suspicion and the daughter is one, three, and two, in a coma – who do you propose we talk to in order to get a medical history?" House waved his hand dismissively in response.

"There's a grandmother you can talk to. If the daughter's always out partying, she's probably been watching the kid and probably knows the kid's medical history better, anyway. Plus, if CPS steps in, she'll be the likely choice for the new guardian. Kutner – talk to the grandmother." Kutner nodded.

"All right. Little old ladies love me," he said, before walking cheerfully out the door before House had a chance to make a crack. House wondered again about what had spurned on Kutner's sunnier-than-usual mood, and he resolved to find out. If Kutner was dating an incredibly hot woman, for instance, it was only right that House was given the chance to try and seduce her away – or, more likely, look at her and come up with nocturnal fantasies involving her that he would share with Wilson in an attempt to traumatize the oncologist. At that thought, House grinned.

"Taub, give the patient an MRI. And see if you can find out who Kutner is sleeping with." Taub rolled his eyes and walked out as well, not giving House a reply. "And Thirteen?"

"Yes?"

"Come with me. I have a plan." House's eyes were twinkling as he spoke. Thirteen knew that was never a good sign.