The One Consistency of a Broken Man
A/N: I saw Thor: The Dark World and I knew I had to write something like this! Hope you guys enjoy! :)
DISCLAIMER: I own neither Thor nor Loki nor anything that has to do with them.
"I wish I could trust you."
Probably the most honest words Thor has ever said to me. He's learning. He's not the fool he once was. I don't trust myself either. I am the epitome of unpredictability, the God of Tricks; I change my thoughts, actions, feelings as easily as flipping a coin. But I have come to learn there is one thing I can always rely on, a part of me that is always there, never changing…
It was a simple afternoon, not unlike any other. Frigga had come to visit me while I was trapped in my cell, hoping to ease the lonely heart she thinks I have. She went on about how she had tried her best to make me feel comfortable. But that didn't quite change the fact that Odin locked me up inside this forlorn cell now, did it? And when she mentioned Odin, she made the terrible mistake of calling him my father. The first sign of anger began running through me.
"HE'S NOT MY FATHER!"
She withdrew from me slightly, and I felt a small prick of annoyance. She should know by now that Odin doesn't care for me, never has and never will. He is Thor's father and has never been mine. Why was she surprised?
"Then am I not your mother?"
The words pounded into me and my heartbeat quickened. Sometimes I forgot that if Odin is not my father, then she, in return, is not my mother. Recklessly, knowing that I must follow through, I answered her calmly with the words I must say, my face completely and utterly emotionless. Any pain felt while saying them was tucked safely behind the wall I have built within me. I try and cast aside the fond memories of her that had begun to stir in my mind.
"You're not."
Her face mimicked the emotion I couldn't help but feel, like I just betrayed a friend. Guilt seeped into me, regret flooded through me, and I gently tried to take her hands, to look into her eyes and take it back, to apologize. But she just shook her head and said quietly as she began to disappear,
"Oh Loki, always so perceptive of everyone but yourself."
I shake my head, annoyed with my stupidity. And, to top it off, she was no more than an image of herself the entire time. Of course it was only an illusion. She had taught me the trick herself, and why would she want to be down here with the murderous psychopath himself, right? My fist pounded the wall as my default emotion began to sink back in.
Later, Thor sent Fandral to tell me of her passing. I simply nodded as he spoke; my mind was still trying desperately to process this information. As soon he left, I turned my back to the world and let my rage fly. The furniture she had provided for me was thrown violently across the room. I had realized that she was the one person left who had still looked at me with any form of sympathy. And I could not help it, my mind flashed back to when I was merely a child, when she had cared for me when I had fallen ill, taken care of me when I was hurt, defended me when my honor was at stake. Whether or not she was my actual birth mother, she had been my mother. Why had I denied it? The lights flickered and the tables and chairs flew angrily and the room took a toll from my rampaging emotions.
Frustration.
I pounded both fists on the wall, hoping to somehow rid myself of this feeling that had begun to eat me away from the inside. It gnawed and gnawed at me, only growing stronger. I must get rid of it. I must. Any furniture that once was in my cell had been completely destroyed. Everything lay broken and scattered. Kind of like me. I could not think. I could not breathe. There was only the feeling that threatened to consume me. It was all my fault. I could barely feel the wetness on my cheeks.
Fury.
Why must I have been so incredibly stupid?! I felt a fire rage inside me and I would have given anything to stop the horrible burning sensation. I stepped on a piece of glass from a broken vase, but I barely felt its sting as it could not even compare. It was all my fault. It was all my fault. I should never have told that creature where to go. I should never have said those words to her. Frigga, no, my mother, was dead, and there was absolutely nothing I could do.
My back against the wall, I sunk to the ground and let loose an awful scream, trying to let it all out. It dragged on and on and until my throat was raw and hoarse and there was nothing left. I felt empty and hollow inside. The monsters that remained in the other cells looked at me in wonder, and I didn't care. Let them see the real monster here.
And it was in this raw and broken state which I began to realize something about myself. I am eternally enraged. For everything I do, there is always something there nagging at me something completely infuriating that never leaves. But my anger is no more than a mask, something to conceal the true feelings I hide inside. If I feel, pain, trust, or even love, I never show it to the world, I only cover it up with wrath. Be it Thor or Odin, it's always someone. But this time, I could do no more than rage at myself as the pain took its toll and my mother's final piece of wisdom sunk in.
And so, as the God of Thunder stares at me with his ice blue eyes, awaiting a response, I decide to be completely honest with him in return for his sincerity. So, I tell him, even if I am never the same, even if I seemingly fluctuate from evil to good on a roll of the dice…There is one thing he can count on. The one consistency of this broken man. So I tell him,
"Trust my rage."
A/N: Hope you liked it! :) This is my first Thor fanfic, so feedback is much appreciated! Maybe I'll write another one if you guys like this one! Oh and also, I wrote this to practice writing in first person, I usually write in third person so this was a bit of a challenge for me. Please tell me what you thought! Thank you. :)