Silent Night
Summary: He hated Christmas. Hated it with a passion. Christmas was the symbol of everything he had lost. His family, his child, the prospect of holding his kid in his arms, the feeling of a wife's kiss, the notion that he was loved and loved unrelentingly in return. (SJ)
Disclaimer: I own nothing but love!
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Eve, of the Sam/Jack Ship Family for making Christmas merry! Also to the Ship Family at Gateworld. Merry Christmas!
Another Christmas alone. Good. He didn't like them anyway.
Jack threw his head back as he downed another mouthful of Guinness.
Christmas reminded him of Charlie. Of wandering through the woods looking for big honking trees and singing stupid carols. Watching that little face light up as he madly unwrapped yet another present.
They spoilt the kid, he and Sara. Not like some parents, though. Charlie never had any more than most kids – his prized possession was a battered baseball glove, after all. But Charlie had experiences no other kid got. He sat in the front seat of a plane. Granted, not a flying one, but a plane nonetheless. He saw places that made his classmates's jaws drop in disbelief. He had two loving parents who would do anything for him. He experienced things beyond the imagination. Tours through air force bases, VIP treatment in a General's office… a bullet to the head…
God, was Guinness all he had? Surely there was some whiskey around the place. For some reason he was just not feeling merry enough tonight.
It was all he could do not to smash the Guinness bottle on his bench. He hated Christmas. Hated it with a passion. Christmas was the symbol of everything he had lost. His family, his child, the prospect of holding his kid in his arms, the feeling of a wife's kiss, the notion that he was loved and loved unrelentingly in return.
He was loved. He knew that. In some way, the members of SG-1 that considered him a family were his loved ones. But it wasn't the same. He laughed with them, drank with them, sang carols with them till the cows came home, but at the end of the night, they would always leave and he would always be alone. No one to tuck in once it was all over. No one to kiss him goodnight.
It had been a quiet affair. Held at his house this year. He had dreaded the evening. Having to say goodbye at the end of it all, weak and childish though it was. Though he knew that it was what he wanted. To be alone on Christmas. It just didn't seem right to be happy.
Teal'c and Daniel had turned up first. Teal'c was well into the swing of things by now and had cooked some kind of Jaffa-meets-Santa concoction that actually tasted quite nice, despite looking severely like horse manure. Daniel had brought eggnog, and to be honest had spent the whole night acting like he had drunk far more than his fair share. Frasier and Cassie came after that, Cassie's arms full of presents that she was so proud to put under the tree.
It was nice having Cassie around at Christmas. It brought a sense of wonder back to the holiday. Even as a teenager, Cassie brought a certain sense of childlike curiosity and marvel to the party. Throughout the course of the night, he taught her carols, changed the words to them and teased her about the presents waiting for her under the mammoth of a tree.
As the night went on he found it harder and harder to keep his spirits up around her. She was too young, too special. She reminded him too much of Charlie. Of all that he had once had. Carter seemed to have noticed. She played mom for most of the night after that.
She had been an unexpected surprise. Carter. She was supposed to be spending Christmas with her dad. Jack wondered what had happened. Sam hadn't said much about it. She had arrived much later than all the others. Just when Jack had begun to think that Christmas at his house was not such a good idea. He had realized he couldn't escape. Couldn't invent a reason to get out of there and wallow in his self-pity. It was the precise reason he had decided to hold it in the first place, but the plan seemed to have backfired miserably. The forced Christmas cheer had just made him resentful.
But then Carter had come in, all megawatt smiles, and he had to admit that Christmas was looking a little up this year. He had no idea how she had done it, even what she had done. But as he watched her play with Cassie he found himself becoming more and more happy to be celebrating.
She was an interesting woman, Carter. All brains and no fears, that's what he had thought of her in the beginning. In the three and a bit years that he had known her, she had showed her cards, one by one, making him all the more confused, and all the more enthralled by her. She was more than just the scientist military brat he had assumed her to be. That he was able to surmise by the end of their first mission together. She seemed like some kind of wonder woman. A brilliant scientist by all accounts, a great captain and a genuinely good person. She hadn't been too hard on the eyes either.
God, if that was all it was. That she was physically attractive. Jack scoffed to himself as he thought about it. It would have all been so easy if she was just a beautiful woman. But no. She was so much more than that and so different to that in so many ways. Over the next few years he had discovered how loyal she was. How cheeky. How passionate. How willing to follow orders but at the same time how obstinate. She was charming, flirtatious when she wanted to be, she was vulnerable, damaged. She was strong and subtle and smelt amazing to be completely honest…
She was a dangerous cocktail of everything Jack ever wanted.
And she was standing at his front door.
Jack choked down the last of his Guinness before sluggishly making his way to the door to meet her. What the hell was she doing back here? She smiled sheepishly at him. She had noticed his misery. He thought she had taken over his Christmas duties for a reason. Had she come back to comfort him? To keep him company? He hoped not. That would mean a lot of treading on eggshells and awkward silences. It would also mean his 2IC was able to read minds.
He was embarrassed. It wasn't her place to know things like that. That he was hurting. No one was ever supposed to know that. Hell, he hardly ever let himself in on the secrets of his battered and every self-pitying self. This was just unfair.
But she was a genius after all. Geniuses tended to know more than they were supposed to.
"Carter," he said, opening the screen door to her. What was he supposed to say to her? Thanks for covering for me? I need a hug? Oh and, I drank all the Guinness in some kind of stupor…
"Hi sir," she answered, a light smile dancing on her face. God, she was beautiful. Just too damned smart for her own good. He took a deep breath in and braced himself for whatever advice or ruminations she was about to throw his way. No way was he going to fall for her concerned friend thing. He was doing just fine on his own. Wallowing. Grieving. Not thinking about her.
"I left my coat, sir," was all she said, with a mini-point to the coat lying over his couch.
Of course she had.
Great. Super. She wasn't a mind reader after all. Not some kind of bionic woman who could one day take over the world. Excellent. His fears could be laid to rest. He didn't need his 2IC thinking he was someone to be pitied anyhow. He didn't like it when people noticed his feelings. He didn't want her to have. He was glad she hadn't. Glad that she had come back for a stupid coat. Glad that it had nothing to do with him at all.
Glad that she couldn't tell how disappointed he was.
"Sir," Sam repeated. "Can I come in?"
Right. He hadn't moved. Best not to confuse the lady any more. Yes. Best just to give her the damned coat and let her be on her merry way.
"Thanks," she said as he stepped aside and she walked inside to get her coat. Her eyes followed him as she walked through the door.
"Cold out," Jack said, as Sam picked up her coat.
"Mm," she agreed. "Thought I might need it tomorrow. Dad's taking me out on some big surprise."
"How is dad?" Jack asked.
"He's well," Sam said, her face darkening with what looked like confusion.
"Where was he tonight?" Jack asked. "I thought you were doing the Christmas thing as a family."
"We were," said Sam, resting on the arm of the couch. "At least that's what I thought."
"What happened?" Jack asked. It was so much easier to be concerned for someone else than for himself. Particularly Carter. Genius as she was, he was always concerned for Carter.
"I don't know," she said. "We had dinner and he told me to leave."
"Did you get in a fight or something?"
"No, not at all," Sam said. "The opposite. We were talking about SG-1. He asked what you were all doing for Christmas and I said you were spending it together. He promptly kicked me out of the restaurant and sent me here."
"Some kind of punishment?" Jack smirked.
"No," said Sam, with an amused smile. "I think he just knew where I really wanted to be."
…
Yep, that was it. There was one of those awkward silences he knew and loved. Just a millisecond too long looking at each other was all it took for a look to become a moment. Jeez, that woman should have a sign taped to her head.
Stare not into the eyes. Awkward silences ensue.
"Anyway," Sam said, talking through the slight blush that was beginning to pink her cheeks, "that's how I got here." She smiled. Jack smiled. There was so another awkward silence coming on.
"So what about you?" she asked, breaking the look just in time to save them both from another moment.
"What about me?" Jack asked, all attention on that cute little blush and not on the subject he should have known was about to come up at any second.
"How are you doing? With the whole Christmas thing?"
And with one foul swoop they had started down the one line of conversation Jack had never wanted to have with any living creature.
So he said nothing. Carter seemed to have gotten the message.
"Never mind," she said quietly. "I should…I should go," she stuttered to Jack's surprise, throwing her jacket over her shoulder and practically racing for the door.
"Carter," he called after her, catching her arm. "It's fine." He watched as her gaze met his hand which was still holding her arm. He let go and felt his face warm. He hoped that it wasn't as red as Carter's was becoming. "It was fine," he continued, gesturing around the room, about the Christmas party. "It was fun."
Sam nodded. She didn't say anything. Jack watched her as she looked over his Christmas tree. She plucked the angel off the top and ran her fingers over it. She smiled.
"We used to have an angel like this," she said softly. Jack tilted his head. Was it just him, or was Sam particularly difficult to follow tonight? No, he reasoned with himself, she was always difficult to follow.
"It was gold like this one, but taller. Every year my mother would try and fit it onto the top of the tree. She wasn't as tall as me," she said, with a sad laugh. "Dad used to have to pick her up so that so that she could reach. After she died…we kinda continued the tradition. Every year after that, Mark would lift me up to put it on the tree." She looked over the angel again.
"What about this year?" Jack asked.
"I don't have a tree this year, sir," Sam said.
He did the first thing that came to his head. If he'd thought about it, he probably wouldn't have done it, but that was the case for most of Jack's decisions. He picked Sam up off the ground, receiving a girlish squeal in return.
"Sir!" She yelped.
Since when did Carter squeal? Girlishly? Jack grinned. It was kind of hot!
"Go on," he said, "Put it on the tree!"
Sam laughed and kissed the angel on the top of its head. She set it atop the Christmas tree and smiled down at Jack.
He smiled back at her. Things were definitely lightening back up again. And yet…it was going to happen again, he could feel it. There was another moment coming along. Abort! Abort! He set her back down on her feet and coughed into his hand.
Good save, O'Neill. He mentally golf-clapped himself.
Sam was staring at him intently. There was something more to this little chat, he was sure of it. That stare only ever meant one thing. It was his turn to share.
Charlie.
That's what this was really about.
Damned Carter. Definitely too smart for her own good.
"We used to sing," he said, being extra careful not to look her directly in the eye. "Carols," he continued. He pushed back all other thoughts from his mind. There were way too many thoughts wanting to pop out all over the place. But he wouldn't let them. He'd opened this can of worms; at least, he'd knowingly let Carter open it for him. He'd have to bit the bullet and open up.
"Silent Night was always his favorite," he said. He hated that carol. Now, at least. Whenever he heard it, he heard nothing but Charlie.
Sam started to hum lightly. Silent Night.
"He had a beautiful voice," he said.
He joined in with Sam's humming, not even thinking about how ridiculous it was. Singing, in front of his 2IC. Singing - full stop.
"Well he didn't get it from his father," Sam joked softly at Jack's vocal stylings. He laughed quietly.
"I haven't sung that in years," he confided.
"Why?" Sam asked.
Jack shrugged. "Because he should be," he said.
Sam nodded. "For years after Mom died, we didn't decorate the tree at all."
"What changed?" Jack asked.
"We learned to forgive," she said. "I forgave Dad, Mark…well, he forgave me for forgiving Dad."
"And Jacob?" Jack asked.
"I'm not so sure," she answered honestly. "I don't think he's ever forgiven himself. But…the angel helped."
Jack nodded. "Yeah."
"Maybe next year we'll get through the whole of Silent Night," Sam said. Jack couldn't help smiling at the 'we'.
"Maybe," he agreed.
It was Christmas, after all.
fin