This week's theme is Milestones.
There will be an author's note on the bottom of this fic. I'm giving this a general trigger warning for a little substances talk and very light abuse. Nothing too bad I don't wanna delve too much into it. It means a lot to me so if you have some criticism, please keep it nice is all I ask.
Summary
"Um, h-hey Maur-erm Dr. Isles, it's Dete-uh, it's Jane. You said you'd call you when it had been a year, and well...I don't know if you meant it out of spite...but I've reached my first goal, and I'd like to share it with you please? Half an hour is all that I ask for. It's on Newberry Street at 7:30. I know I don't deserve to ask, but it's all that I need, please Maura, Pl-".
Jane's hand shook as she picked up the black phone and waited for the pulse tone to start. This was generally the part where she would hang up and slam the phone down on the table below, which is why her little blackberry was currently sporting a cracked screen. It was actually kinda funny if you thought about how many ways the metaphor could be used in comparison to her life. This time, she was gonna stay on the line and prove to herself that she could do this she needed to complete this last part of 9 before she could move on.
"Hello, this is the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Dr. Maura Isles. I would appreciate a clear concise message after the designated tone. Thank you and have a pleasant day."
"Um, h-hey Maur-erm Dr. Isles, it's Dete-uh, it's Jane. You said you call you when it had been a year, and well...I don't know if you meant it out of spite...but I've reached my first goal, and I'd like to share it with you please? Half an hour is all that I ask for. It's on Newberry Street at 7:30. I know I don't deserve to ask, but it's all that I need, please Maura, Pl-"
The click that signaled the end of her call reminded her that her opportunity was over. But it did make Jane realize that she had done something else, she had taken responsibility for a problem that she had caused, and that was healthy. She missed Maura dearly; they had been best friends, each other's lifeline. They relied on each other the way that a married couple would, only they were platonic. Jane had her daily routine planned around the doctor, and she stuck to it like nothing else; it left some normality in her life even if people questioned their relationship because of it. She never really thought anything of it; if it really had been an issue, it would have been brought to their attention. So, they just went with it.
Jane sighed and set her phone down on the chair next to her. She could handle this; she wasn't who she used to be. Maybe Maura would forgive her? Most likely not. She had to put up with some terrible things, and dealt with unnecessary situations that no friend should be placed into. Maura had the patience of a saint, and Jane had pushed her to the limit, to the point where Maura, the most loving person on this planet, had been broken. Jane was responsible for extinguishing the light in Maura's eyes and no decent person would do something that terrible.
Determined to not think of old triggers, Jane decided to take a hot shower to cleanse her mind, and her body since it had not reacted well to calling Maura. She had sweat through her t-shirt and shorts just because of that one phone call. It really strung her out emotionally to admit everything she had done, and she knew that tonight would be hard enough without adding stressors. She would need to keep it together tonight because if she crumbled, even a little bit, it was all for nothing and she would start back over at the beginning and Jane Rizzoli did not start back over if she could help it.
"Dr. Isles, you have one new voicemail" Siri chirped in her robotic tone. Maura always set her phone to speak to her during an autopsy, it would tell her what she had planned for today all the way to reading a weather forecast; it was quite handy. Another benefit was the voice commands which eradicated any possibility of cross-contamination by picking up the phone or using the touch screen considering that cellular phones were one of the most popular breeding ground for various bacteria. She would check her phone later; there was no reason to wonder what it was; only a handful of people contacted her on her personal phone. Her work phone is where she received work calls and emails pertaining to cases to avoid violating H.I.P.A.A. which still applied, even after death.
Maura glanced at the clock and winced, it was 3:00 p.m.; she was supposed to meet Det. Frost for lunch to talk about some business concerning the new addition to the Homicide Unit. This wasn't a conversation that she wanted to have, but it had been almost a year and a half since the two had parted ways; she needed some closure. She thought of her every day, but they hadn't been positive thoughts for quite some time. Maura had laid her heart out for the sullen detective, but Jane had pushed her one too many times. She was Maura's unrequited love, although Maura doubted it in the beginning; shrugging it off as admiration for being the first person to generally pay attention to her. Eventually, she had figured out her love for Jane, but by then Jane had morphed into someone she could barely recognize. With tangled hair and sagging clothes becoming the norm, Maura had finally left Jane standing in the snow in front of her house at a whopping 97 lbs. and staggering blood alcohol level at approximately .340, given her calculations were correct.
Maura removed her latex gloves and threw them in the waste container on the wall. If she made it upstairs in time, she could catch a ride with Barold. They had gotten closer during this time; he had been affected by Jane's steady decline as well, but had not taken it so well. He partially blamed himself for being an "enabler" and not caring for his partner like a fellow officer would. They had not spoken of Jane recently; they had developed a way of skirting over the topic of the elder Rizzoli sibling. But, late last night, Barold had texted Maura requesting her lunch hour to chat about who was taking her place, and if they would be sufficient to handle the position. Maura assumed he just wanted to talk some smack about the person to prove that he was still thinking of Jane and feeling guilty that she was getting replaced.
Detective Frost was waiting for her when she exited the elevator looking somber. Well, this definitely was not a momentous occasion anyways. Their strides met and they walked towards the front doors and exited the building, squinting and the bright sunlight that was a harsh difference from the dim lights of BPD. They crossed the street at the crosswalk and walked the few blocks in a heavy silence. Maura was starting to get uncharacteristically nervous for the conversation that was about to come. Stopping suddenly, Maura realized that Detective Frost had stopped in front of the cafe that she was almost walking past. She really wasn't acting like herself lately.
"So, you gonna tell me what's got you so bummed?" Frost asked with concern visible on his face. He had been watching over Maura this past year, she could hold her own with almost anything but Jane had been her one weakness, he had her figured out way before she had even come to terms with her attraction. He had dubbed himself her silent protector; he kept an eye on her and made sure she ate and kept a healthy mentality not just outside of work, in private too, when nightmares and crippling thoughts made their obvious appearance. But, there was only so much he could do for her; he was having about the same issues. It's hard to see someone that you love\admire hurt themselves over and over again, eventually burning every bridge they ever made.
"I'm just a little off because I know that you are bringing me to tell me bad news; they're replacing Jane, aren't they? I knew that this would happen eventually, it's standard procedure but, I didn't realize that it would hurt this badly" the downtrodden M.E. mumbled to the table, eyes downcast. Homicide was not a job opening that stayed open for very long, it was a lot easier to speak for dead victims, than deal with live ones.
"Hey, Maura, it's actually not as bad as you're anticipating. They're taking Frankie and letting him fill in, he's been on loan to vice for too long without actually joining their team, so we get a chance to have him until...we know otherwise" Barold comforted Maura by placing his large hands over her shaking ones on the table, threatening to spill their coffees. Even after everything Jane had done to them, they were still rooting for her, praying for her in their own ways. They only wanted to see their friend make it out of her tribulations alive and well, considering they hadn't seen her in more than a year
"That-that's wonderful news Barry, I was wrong for assuming the worst, but it seems that's what I have eventually done as a coping mechanism when it comes to her. It kills me knowing that I just left her in the state, in the winter of all times. But you remember don't you? All those times that I waited up for her, well into the mornings that I was on call or worse, expected to be back at work in mere hours? I couldn't keep doing that, couldn't keep killing me for her to stomp on my heart again" Maura cried silently into her untouched sandwich that she wouldn't actually eat. She had no appetite anymore, she just couldn't handle it; it was too much for her now.
"I do Maura; I recall a morning where you had waited up all night waiting for a call that never came, only to come into work the next day in the same clothes and puffy eyes, only to find that she had crashed in the break room, too ashamed to face you the night before. It killed you Maur; I watched the light fly right out of your eyes at that moment. It physically pained me and I was just a bystander at that point, I had no idea what was going on!" Frost waved his hands around in frustration, obviously still hurt that no one had come to when they had suspected a problem was surfacing.
"That was the moment that I should have known it was beyond my help, but the love sick fool I had become naive thinking I could make her problems just fly away. I was just being stupid, a vapid fool" tears rolling down Maura's cheeks signaled this this was the end of their emotional lunch; once Maura cried in public, your conversation was over.
Standing up from their tiny table, Barry stretched his arms out, enveloping the tiny Dr. Isles into his frame attempting to absorb some of her pain. She didn't deserve any of this, she really didn't deserve anything bad that had happened to her; she deserved a pain-free happy life. But, this was reality and this is what she had been dealt.
Maura insisted on paying, leaving a large bill to thank the servers for leaving them to their devices. They must look like quite the pair, and the silent refills and reassuring nods made it easier than being interrupted and shocked every once in a awhile. Frost assumed that Maura liked to be in control when possible, and just couldn't help being nice when prompted.
"If you need me, just call, Maura, you know that I'll always listen" Barry said with a loving nod while they went their separate ways, it ended this way every time. But, he always added those last words in case she had forgotten since they had last spoken this deeply. Maura replied with a slow now and a little smirk, just big enough to remind Frost that all hope was not lost; the happy, healthy Maura was just hiding for a little bit, picking up the pieces of her shattered heart.
Turning away, Maura walked towards the park. She still had 25 minutes until she needed to be back at BPD and she had even longer until she actually had something to do. If she was lucky, she would be out by 6 in time to get fed and bathed before she would watch the Sox game she had recorded the evening prior. She had found an affinity for baseball since she had met Jane Rizzoli; something about the mix of statistics and pure talent kept Maura on her toes, mathematically, which is probably not why most people watched baseball. But, this was not about other people, for once this was all about Maura.
Realizing that she had a voicemail she hadn't checked from...an hour ago, Maura stepped towards a bench on the pathway into the park and set her clutch down, crossing her legs at the ankle, settling in for a moment. Pushing the little icon to play her voicemail, Maura's hand started to shake as soon as she heard that raspy voice that triggered so many memories within her. After listening to the :30 second voicemail that had thrown her for a loop, Maura took a shuddering breath to calm her fraying nerves, and played the message again, using her phone's notepad to write down the address, debating whether or not her mind could handle one last disappointment, if it came down to it.
Well, it was nearing 4:30 and as much as she needed to get back to the lab and bury her in work just to have an excuse to avoid whatever Jane was talking about. She needed to sit down and map out the pros and cons. What was she even going to? A church!? Why, did Jane suddenly decide the priesthood was in her future? Maura chuckled at the thought. Taking her work phone out of her bag, she texted Sr. Criminalist Chang telling that she would not be returning for the duration of the day and would be in tomorrow. Without waiting for a response, Maura threw her phone back where it came from and stood up with a new purpose: to decide how her night would end.
Shoot...and score! Maura threw another wadded up list into her trash bin, excited only by her accuracy. It was 5:45pm and she had made almost negative progress on her decision. What if Jane wanted to confess to her? That's something Catholics do, but not usually to a non-parish member. Was she getting help? Maura didn't dare think of that, she'd get her hopes up and it would turn out that Jane was gonna ask her for money or something else no one would have expected out of the former brilliant woman.
Maura stood from her perch she had made in her kitchen padded the way into her closet. If she were to go, what would she wear? If it was a church, she would stay with a seam just below the knee. Dark colors seemed preferred in a place of worship, which filtered out most of her bold colored wardrobe. She found the dress she had work for T.J.'s Baptism, it seemed appropriate to wear, if she were to go. Well, it was time to think of the possible outcomes, to best be prepared for any situation.
She could not go, and miss out on whatever Jane had been so nervous about telling her. Yes, she still remembered Jane's nervous tone.
She could go and try to be patient, it had been quite some time since they had last spoken, Maura knew she had changed and could only hope Jane had too. It would mean they would be best friends again, but it means that Maura could let go of all the guilt that she carried around with her at all times
She could go, but not stay. That was what seemed like the most plausible option, considering Jane's probability for a full recovery was narrow if existent at all.
With a hefty sigh, Maura decided to trust Jane one last time; she just hoped dearly that Jane came through for her, even if just this once. A lot more than Maura's trust hung in the balance here. Her career was at risk. Jane had been sent on an unpaid LOA for the last year, after using her 8 months of vacation time up. She's still had a job, when she was lucid enough to do it. It had been too long since Jane had been at BPD, too long. Breaking out of her melancholy thoughts, Maura picked up the dress and shook it a tad, well here goes nothing…
Jane's shaky hands fixed her tie for the umpteenth time. The shakes were very unwelcomed; they made her feel like a crack addict, which she was not. She was Jane Clementine Rizzoli and she was an alcoholic. Saying it felt like admitting defeat each time, but her fellow people in the meetings on Newberry always said that eventually it becomes empowering, after you find someone other than your sponsor who is proud of you. That's why she was so nervous tonight; she hoped Maura would be able to see her get her 1 year chip, the second biggest milestone in recovery. Jane had completed most of the steps, but step 9 still gave her trouble.
"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"
This had been the hardest step for her because of all the things she had done to people. She had made a list, kind of like Earl from the stupid TV show, when she had first entered the program and all it had done was set her back 4 weeks of sobriety and send her into a tailspin that ended with her waking up in the park at 5 a.m. freezing in the harsh end of January weather. She had decided to go feed the goddamn ducks, and fallen into the pond, too stupid drunk to even realize what she was doing, there weren't even any ducks in the 6 inch pond; it was a start of the Ice Skating rink they always built after Christmas. That really didn't even get her to stop cold, the actual motivation had been when she was admitted with pneumonia afterwards and they called her Medical Power of Attorney, Maura, and she refused to come. So, in a state of emergency, her contact had been changed to Barry Frost, the only person left in this world who would still talk to Jane. He hadn't been too willing either, but it worked either way because the very day Jane was released from the hospital, she called her Ma, Frankie, Tommy, and even her father to tell them all she was ok if they truly cared, playing the manipulative guilt card she had learned to play so well early on in her disease.
Jane's phone buzzed she picked up the small brick phone she currently owned due to the loss of her steady income. Times were tough these days. She squinted at the small screen displaying text she had received from Bud, an older trucker that ran the meetings on Fridays. He was just making sure that her guest would be coming, and asked if she liked coffee. Jane chuckled, she didn't know if she would have made it to a solid year sober if it hadn't been for coffee, they joked that an alcoholic's blood was so thin from years of drinking, that they needed chunky sludge coffee to thicken it up! It was almost like asking if her guest would be comfortable enough to deal with the rowdy bunch that she normally met at these meetings. She occasionally attended the meeting off of the beltway if the church needed their conference room for something. But, those were the high class folk, and sometimes they even brought their high paid call...people from the night before; it was not a group Jane felt comfortable with. The reason she loved her "home meetings" as she liked to call them, is because there was quite the mixture of people in the small room.
There were usually about 10 or so people in a meeting, and only 7 of them had been there before; you learn early on not to mourn the folks who never come back, you just hope to God that they found their helps somewhere else.
There was Bud and Cindy, the couple of old truckers who had been driving semi-trailers for over 4 decades before their company shut down and they were left with too much time on their hands and no one looking for a single skill that they possessed. Driving trucks was all they had done their entire lives, hell, they even got hitched back in '88 in the bed of their favorite truck they had affectionately named "The Cud" it was a sweet mixture of their names, plus it touched on their story of meeting each other driving through Iowa, and almost hitting each other in the great flood of 1978 in Walcott, Iowa and The Biggest Truck stop in the world. They had both developed their separate issued within their marriage and attended meetings every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday if not to bide their time, but to try and explain to folks in need just how much easier it is to have someone you trust in the entire journey. It was nearly unheard of to refuse a sponsor, but they had done it hoping to build up the trust in their marriage that they had squandered off over the years.
There was Asia, the young dark skinned mother whose child was taken from her DCFS 11 months prior for leaving her 2 year old in her busted, old minivan with no windows down in 90 degree weather to go dry hump a john for $50 bucks to buy a carton of smokes and a happy meal. No one knew much about her, she just cheered loudly and never actually talked about how many weeks sober she had achieved, Jane couldn't judge really, she had gone to her first 3 meetings so drunk she forgot where she was and she tried to pee in the confessional on 3 separate occasions. Anyways, Asia was a good woman at heart, but she just lacked the discipline to keep herself in check, which is a common problem
Then there was Blade, who was the strangest one to walk into the conference room since Jane had been attending. Standing at a whopping 5'1", Blade was always dressed in black and labeled his self an agnostic anti-theist. He didn't say the word "God" when saying the 12 steps, but he came for the company and the motivation of seeing other's reach their goals. He had been sober for 12 years prior to finding out that his daughter, whom he hadn't seen in...12 years, was due to have a child of her own in the next few weeks. She was 14. It had sent him over the edge, and he had fell prey once again to this crippling disease. But, with the help of his sponsor, he had been on the clean edge for a while. He was the one who usually spoke at meetings because he had the loudest voice and no one would dare interrupt him.
The last two were actually the youngest members of the group. There was Leonora, a 20 something barista at a local coffee shop, and her step sister everyone called "Polly". They had just had too much fun when they went off to college, and were mandated to attend these meeting by a court order. No one knew what they had done to earn something so harsh, but they weren't forced to talk about it. That is the one of the best things about this program is that no one is judging you and you don't have to talk if you don't want to. They mostly just sat around on their phones chomping at their gum and comparing music we older folks had never heard of. But, that was the point? Maybe it was. But, when it came time for people to tell their stories of the final moment they decided to change, they were enthralled, probably envious because they hadn't reached that point in their disease yet.
There were a few people you could see maybe twice in a row if you're lucky, but normally it was just them. But, tonight they knew it was special, it was Jane's celebration of 365 (actually 367, but there's no meetings on Wednesdays in this location & Jane wouldn't have held it at any other place, this was her home) days sober. She wasn't even nervous that she hadn't written anything, she just worried that if Maura decided to come, would she even be comfortable in a room with these people? They weren't very classy, and this wasn't the place where women had a shoe in every color and men didn't have ice on their watches. When you've hit this low of a point, you don't have anything left, that's how you got here. You sell you things, you burn your bridges, you steal from friends and the worst thing is that you lie. You lie to the community, you lie to your spouse, you like to the brothers in blue and civilians that you swore to protect, and you lie to yourself because if you can keep lying to yourself then you don't have to admit there's a problem that needs fixing. The hardest part of this recovery wasn't the craving for a drink; it was the harsh truth that she had been avoiding this whole time. The fact that she had ruined her only lasting friendship by committing a sin so foul, that it turned every single person in your life away from you, including the one person that mean more to you than everyone combined, made it so hard to even mutter the words that she had gotten used to saying now, even if they still hadn't quite sunk in.
"Hi, I'm Detective Jane Rizzoli of the Boston Police Department badge number: Victor-825 and I am a recovering alcoholic"
Looking at the clock, Jane decided it was time for her to start walking to the church that sat nearly 15 miles away. She was gonna see Maura (hopefully) for the first time in a year and a half, and she could imagine how beautiful she would look with a smile on her face and maybe even a hug for her old friend Jane. One could hope, right?
This was not a place that Maura would ever go to if it wasn't for this...event. Jane hadn't told her where she was going in the church, or why she was even coming here. Straightening the nonexistent creases in her black dress, the elegant blonde stepped into the church with a strained smile on her face; she hadn't been this uncomfortable in a church since...oh, T.J.'s Baptism...how fitting.
"Excuse me, Miss, May I direct you somewhere, you look rather lost?" a deep voice said quietly, scaring Maura out of her bones.
"Oh! My goodness, you frightened me. Yes, I have a friend named Jane who requested my presence here, but I'm not sure why or where." Maura said to the gentle looking Priest, who had been sitting in a pew, reading what looks like an old manuscript of some sort. Her nerves were starting to fray; she did not know what to expect and that was disarming.
The Priest just smiled and motioned towards a room with a printed sign saying "Friday meeting will be held at 7:30 to Celebrate the Rizzoli chip" Maura suddenly understood what all this was about. She didn't want to think about what had happened, nor did she feel like talking about it. She hoped that Jane wouldn't put her on the spot; Maura wouldn't be able to emotionally handle all of that after suppressing these memories for such a long time; not to mention the 4 months of therapy it took to be able to shower in her own home. She checked her Cartier watch, it was 7:25. Well, here goes nothing she told herself, pushing open the wooden door.
Jane loosened her tie nervously as she fidgeted with her cup of coffee. She always hated the stupid poker cards on the side, why would they put those on the side of cups for people fighting addiction? So they could develop another issue? It just wasn't smart. Jane looked around the dim room and stared at all of the motivational pictures. She started repeating the steps over and over to herself to calm her nerves.
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
Jane chanted in a simple melody in her head. She had modified the steps a small bit to fit around her more, kind of like a security blanket of whispered comforts she could take wherever she went. She had a laminated card in her wallet, where her license should go. She hasn't lost it per se, but she was terrified to drive after what she had done and she wouldn't let herself drive until she made amends with Maura. She deserved that for what she had done. Man, tonight's meeting was supposed to be joyous; a celebration of a milestone that only 5% of people make it to. That is a staggering number, and Jane was forever thankful to have made it this far.
The hectic room, full of murmurs and whispered suddenly became quiet as everyone turned towards the door. A tiny meek set of blonde curls, accompanied by some killer legs made their way into the room.
"Maura" Jane whispered with tears in her eyes, she hadn't actually prepared herself for seeing her, her subconscious had been telling her quietly that she would never be forgiven. But, that had also been the same voice that would tell her at night that she never had a problem and that it was okay for her to do the things that she did.
Jane stood up and walked towards the front of the room, touching Maura's elbow to gently guide her to the chair that sat next to a chair with Jane's jacket slung over the back. Maura looked around at the plethora of people quietly nodding in understanding. She didn't like that they knew things that she hadn't told them; she was a pretty private person and having details of her life that she could not control angered her in a weird way. She allowed herself to be set down at a fold out table, and offered a paper cup of mud-like coffee. She felt like a slide being under intense scrutiny.
"Okay guys, it is 7:30 on the dot; let's get this extra special meeting today for you guys. I know that y'all have some rip-roaring plans on this uneventful weekend, so we'll hurry it right along. I'd like to welcome our special guest today. What's your name?" Blade motioned to Maura, who was sitting in the corner on a metal fold out chair, looking like she'd rather be anywhere else right now. He had heard some of what Jane had done to her, and she was a very kind and forgiving soul to show up for something this big for Jane.
"Dr. Maura Isles" Maura said with a sad smile to the group. They seemed nice enough, but she just didn't like them.
A chorus of "Hello Maura" rang out as the group sent out more smiles and a few waves. Being put on the spot was not something she enjoyed but these people seemed like good people who had made some bad choices in their lives. They weren't here for her but she still felt welcomed; she could see why it was such a powerful group. Maura smiled a true smile and blushed accordingly; even if she had yet to hear from Jane- who was not forgiven- she was a smidge thankful that Jane had been in good hands, it seemed like something she needed to know, and she hadn't even realized it.
"Alright guys, my name is Blade and I am a recovering alcoholic, and I would like to start this meeting off on a positive note, expect a miracle today folks"
"Hi, Blade" the chorus rang out, gathering strength in order to motivate the souls in this room, to change and be changed, building crescendo with every minute to explode into positive smiles and energy that could change one's life, if you will just let it.
Maura watched as Jane stood off to the side in the front of the room in her traditional button up shirt and slacks, minus her service weapon and badge. She looked healthier than when Maura had seen her last, her thin form was filling back out and her eyes sparkled with a pride that had been vacant for such a long time. She had a nervous smile, and kept shuffling her feet like an awkward schoolgirl. It was actually kind of cute; if Maura were to feel emotions like this anymore.
"I now present to you, the center of this meeting, Jane" The room erupted in cheers; there was no better motivator than a success story, and even greater was a success story with someone to share it with; most people who came walking through those doors were friendless, having terminated all their relationships.
"Hello, everyone! Today is a beautiful blessed day and some miracles are gonna happen today!" Jane exclaimed with her rugged voice catching her emotion. "My name is Detective Jane Rizzoli- badge number: Victor-825 and I am a recovering alcoholic celebrating one year sober today!" a few happy tears fell down her cheeks while she stared at Maura, who seemed to have adopted a sly smile with watery eyes. Jane knew that the worse is yet to come, so she would relish in this feeling she had for as long as she could.
"I appreciate everyone coming here tonight, especially you Dr. Isles. I would like to begin my story of hitting bottom and then finding my way back. But, before are there any questions or confessions anyone would like to come forward with?" It was a question Jane hadn't really expected anyone to answer but when Polly raised her hand, Jane was happy to give her a moment to speak. Rising from her chair, Polly turned towards the room with shaking hands and her face to the floor.
"I-I would like to confess that I went to a party this weekend, and I was going to be sober the whole time, but someone was smoking weed and the smell of it had me hooked before I even knew it. I didn't drink, which is okay, but I still got super faded and fell asleep in the bathroom of McDonald's. I am Polly Riley and I am a drug addict and a recovering alcoholic and I appreciate your time and support, thanks guys."
"Thank you Polly" the support group chanted and the young girl, who was shaking with fear and resentment.
"Thanks Polly" Jane said nodding to the crowd, waiting for any more responses. When the room went silent, she made eye contact with those beautiful hazel eyes that she had once called home. "Maura, here is my story, my testimony to you. At the end of this story, I hope that maybe you can contemplate forgiveness, but that's another day" Jane smiled with her beautiful dimples towards the woman that had impacted her life and kept her alive in the worst of days. Maura just nodded and the silent tears spilled over her quivering chin, staining the white tissue she had been crumpling in her hands.
Jane took a deep shuddering breath, and started the speech she had been mentally composing for about a year. "Nearly 16 months ago, I was proposed to by a Lt Jones. He was an attractive man with a promising career. But, he had me convinced that he loved me when in all reality, he was in love with his job; he was married to his career and just wanted me for sex. It took all of my self-esteem and all of my confidence when I found him having intimate discussions with other females. Now that would normally not be an issue, but he had failed to mention that he has a previous 7 year engagement with a fellow soldier and he was just looking for a wife to have when he was on leave. I was left in a park during the summer, in tears after asking him if he ever wanted children. I fell harder than I had even fallen before that night, and that very night was the first time that I had gotten to knackered that I blacked out. I'm a detective- we don't relinquish control that easily, we crave it and we will do almost anything to keep control in our hands. That control that I gave away so easily scared me because I had never done that before, and it truly scared me." Jane began looking around the room, trying to make eye contact with everyone in the room. They had all helped in her recovery and they all deserved some recognition, even if it was silent.
Clenching her shaking hands into fists, Jane tried to calm her nerves and continue her explanations "I turned to Dr. Isles, my best friend, the one person in this world who would do anything for someone regardless of how they have treated her. She is the kindest soul on this planet, and I took and soul and ruined it. For that I am sorry. But, in order to complete my last part of step 9, I need to account for all of my actions. I led Maura on, constantly. I meant it in a friendly manner, and I knew that she didn't know it was happening. I would brush past her and maybe my hand would stray. This was me coping with my love life being in ruins, I needed to control something and that something became Maura. I would casually say 'I love you' to her and watch her eyes light up. She tried to hide it from me, but I knew that she was melting inside every time I did something for it. If I made dinner or if I told her how stunning she looked in a dress. I cuddled with her in a slightly more than platonic state. Now, this all sounds nice, right? No. it wasn't. She was dealing with my emotional outbursts, and my need to break down every single positive thing in my life was slowly ruining her from the inside out...and the worst part is that she didn't even see what I was doing. I remember calling her at 3 a.m. from The Dirty Robber, that's our local cop bar we all hang out, and asking her to pick me up, which she did...only for me to puke into her car and fall asleep on her couch. I never offered to have her car cleaned. But, it doesn't even matter because three weeks later, I crashed her car into a telephone pole, while very inebriated, because I had gotten a case at work that I couldn't solve by myself. I got mad and stormed out of BPD, leaving my keys there in a huff, and I walked to the robber and got pretty tipsy until Murray cut me off. Then, I ran to a gas station and grabbed a 24 pack. I decided I didn't wanna carry it home, so I sent a message to Maura and took her car home, promising to pick her up later. I ended up wrapping her car around a telephone pole and forgetting to mention it to her as I left the car sitting on the corner and got drunk in the women's bathroom of the park next door. I brushed it off later saying that I was trying to find a phone and passed out from a concussion, even though I never went to the hospital.
Jane glanced at Maura who look so hurt in this moment; she had probably never known the truth about that incident. These wounds were old but Jane had to set them correctly in order for them to heal. This next part was the hardest thing to talk about and she wasn't sure she could do it.
This is a slight tw for assault, you can skip this paragraph if need be:
Jane started to cry as she recounted this last part, knowing that Maura could potentially walk out forever after hearing this.
"I can forgive myself for all those things because all that I hurt was objects. Sure, I might have hurt Maura's feelings and hurt my partner's pride at work. But, it wasn't until I heart an actual person that I hit my bottom and needed to change.
I had stumbled into Maura's house after a day and half of drinking. I had just been suspended from my job for being under an influence while carrying around my service weapon. I was taken back; I didn't expect to be caught and I did NOT want anyone to know that I had a problem. Hell, I didn't even wanna admit I had a problem. I barged into Maura's house; looking for some nice wine, and found Maura asleep in her recliner in her beautiful purple silk pajamas; she had waited up for me as diligently as she could but, it was 3 a.m. and Maura had been at BPD for about 36 hours straight before finally closing a case.
I needed to feel something, and I wanted Maura. So, I dropped what I was doing and I climbed in next to Maura. She stirred awake and I tried to initiate some funny business, and Maura- still half asleep told me no. She told me no and I did it anyways. I didn't stop kissing or touching her until she woke up and slapped me. I was so offended that she would strike me that I slapped her back, and split her perfect lip. Maura, who is stronger than she looks, pushed my drunken ass out of her house, and left me standing in the snow in boxers and a t shirt. I didn't realize until a few days later when I came out of my drinking binge that lead into some serious pill issues, that it was Christmas Eve, and she had waited up to give me a gift. She was giving me a signed game ball from the Sox, and I molested her against her will. I was the worst person in the world for doing such a horrible thing to this beautiful lady over here. How could I do that? So, by New Years I was in this very room, talking to some of these people and you know what they told me? They told me that I, Jane Rizzoli, the biggest asshole on the planet, could be forgiven for my misdeeds, and I could get better with the help of this program and the willingness to change.
If you skipped past the assault paragraph, you can resume here:
Maura couldn't speak; it was too much. To be validated like that was soothing, but also to have it spoken aloud was so hurtful. It was no longer a suppressed memory; it was a real thing that happened. It, it wasn't okay but, it wasn't the Jane who was standing in front of her that had done such a thing, it was that old dark Jane that hopefully would never make an appearance again. Maura stood, and nodded at Jane signaling that she was ok and that she just needed a minute.
Jane had decided to meet privately with her leader previous to the meeting to be presented with her chip so she didn't have to keep Maura any longer than she needed to. When Maura returned to the room, Jane stepped off the small ledge she had been standing on and walked towards her clasping their hands and finishing her last few lines of her story.
"So, Maura Isles, I Jane Rizzoli, a recovering alcoholic, present to you my one year chip, solidifying a year of sobriety that I had promised you. I had a few slips along the way. But all in all, it's been so worth it. I am not asking for your forgiveness right now. But I am saying that I love you and I respect you. I just want you to keep this for being my motivator for this entire time.
Maura's mind couldn't process everything at once. She looked at Jane and a small smile appeared on her angelic features, lighting up the room. She felt so free of all of this pain, and finally knowing what caused these outbreaks, could help her heal inside. This wasn't the end of the journey for any of them. But, it sure was a start.
"I am Jane Rizzoli and I have 1 year sober" Jane said confidently towards the group of people around her and put her arms around Maura's shoulders.
Maura smiled at the contact, even so minimal, and her voice ran as loud as the others when she joined in the "congratulations Jane!" rang out. They would be ok. There will always be bumps in the road in your life, but you need to use the good memories to overpower the bad ones. That's just what they planned to do.
A/N
Thank you guys for reading this; this story is very personal to me because I have a mother who in Feb. of 2014, will have been sober for 3 years! Most of this story is personal things that have happened to me and my family. Every journey is different and I applaud anyone who had conquered this disease. Feedback is always welcomed, but especially with this one, please keep it nice. :)
AA is not for everyone, there are multiple ways to heal. If you or someone you know is suffering, there's help out there. People do love you and want you to succeed. :)
go to .org for more information.